When two people are in a committed relationship and looking forward to moving on to the next big step, like getting married, buying a house together, or having kids, it’s easy to make grand promises.
But it’s far more important to keep them, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor No-Chance6120 was struggling to balance work and life now that she had two kids, and she thought she and her fiancé agreed about being a two-and-done family.
But when her fiancé wanted to keep having sex without getting the vasectomy he agreed to, the Original Poster (OP) knew that she had to explain her intense feelings against having more kids in a way that he would understand.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my fiancé that I would leave our family if we got pregnant again?”
The OP was struggling with having two kids and working full-time.
“I (30 Female) told my (37 Male) fiancé/boyfriend that I would leave him. We’ve been together for eight years. We have two kids, ages two and nine months.”
“We both work full-time jobs (he works days, and I work nights). We don’t send our kids to daycare. Therefore, we switch off caring for our kiddos while the other is at work.”
“There are some days when I get off work at 7:00 AM after working a 12-hour shift and then have to care for our kids during the daytime with no chance to sleep. He never has to watch them solo right after work.”
“I have been mentally and physically exhausted. Between breastfeeding, pumping, working sometimes up to 60 hours per week, and potty training my toddler, I am cooked.”
“There have been days where I have bawled my eyes out due to stress. We really don’t have family or friends who are available to help with the kids.”
“I do 70% of the housework (laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, bathing kiddos, sweeping, mopping, you get it).”
“Our first baby was planned. I was finishing up my degree and going to school full-time while working full-time and literally gave birth a month after I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree.”
“Our second baby was a surprise, and I really struggled to bond with her, as I didn’t want her initially. My thoughts have now changed, and I love my baby.”
The OP insisted that she did not want to have any more children.
“I have had multiple conversations with him, explaining that I don’t want any more kids. It’s taxing on my body, mind, and spirit.”
“Prior to having my second baby, we BOTH agreed that if I had a Caesarean (c-section), I would get my tubes tied during the delivery. If I had a vaginal birth (which I did), he agreed to get a vasectomy shortly after I had my baby.”
“This agreement was back in October 2023. It is now July 2024 and guess who is still not snipped!?”
“I’ve asked him multiple times over the last couple of months, and after breaking down many walls, he declared that he is nervous about his d**k not working anymore.”
“I understand this is a true concern for him, but I have asked him to consider what I have and will go through again if we were to have a third baby.”
“We are currently using condoms and LH strips (Luteinizing Hormone ovulation-testing strips) to track ovulation and avoid intimacy during those risky times.”
“But the other day, we had a malfunction with the condom, and I had to take a Plan B pill and pray.”
“Luckily, the Red Sea came, but I can’t feel this anxiety every month. It makes me not want to have sex if a kid is at risk.”
“I know my limits when it comes to being a parent. I am doing my best with two kiddos, but two kiddos would send me over the edge.”
The OP gave her future husband an ultimatum.
“The other night at the dinner, the vasectomy came up AGAIN, and he made excuses.”
“I told him that I wasn’t gonna bring it up anymore, but I needed to say my last piece. ‘I’m letting you know now, if I were to become pregnant again due to your lack of action to get snipped, I will leave you and the kiddos here. Alone. I will send money from afar, but I would have to leave. We would be done.'”
“He was shocked and hurt by my comment, but I needed him to know how f**king serious I am.”
“He asked, ‘You would really leave us?'”
“And I said yes. I’m not happy to say this, but I have been depressed and have had bad thoughts about harming myself and my kids during those very difficult times. I have worked hard to be better and silence those thoughts, but I KNOW that having a third kid would cause those thoughts and stress to flood back in.”
“So… AITAH?”
As the comments started to come in, the OP updated the post with some clarifications.
“I did not expect this post to escalate in this way. Please let me make a few clarifications.”
“First, thanks to everyone for all your comments and recommendations. I know I’m not 100% not at fault for my current relationship dynamic, but I’m not perfect, either.”
“Concern: he has the right to choose whether or not to undergo the vasectomy.”
“ABSOLUTELY. I agree 100%. The only issue I see with this is he and I agreed last year that once our second baby was born, in the event of a vaginal delivery, he would undergo the procedure.”
“We also agreed together that two kids were our magic number, and we both said h**l no to additional kids.”
“We have had several discussions about this (at least 10+). I didn’t manipulate him into this decision. He actually offered to do it. Even to this day, he says that he wants to do it and plans to do it but is concerned about his performance afterward.”
“Yet, he has made no action to make an appointment to even schedule a consult with a Urologist to talk through some of the risks of the procedure.”
“Therefore, I have to assume through his actions (which there are none), that he truly has no intention of getting the procedure done and is doing lip service every time I ask him about this.”
“That being the case, I am going to make an appointment to take responsibility for my OWN body and hold myself accountable versus relying on him.”
“Concern: when do I sleep?”
“We don’t work the same days of the week. However, if I work four- to 12-hour days, there will be a day or two that I have to watch my kids when I get home from work. Therefore, I micro-nap throughout the day and try to get a two-hour nap in when they go down for nap time.”
“Otherwise, I’m sleeping on the couch while they are playing in their safe enclosed play yards in the living room.”
“I wake up every hour to check diapers, feed them, etc. I probably get four hours of broken-up sleep on those days. I KNOW THIS ISN’T HEALTHY. I am not justifying this current setup. Just explaining.”
“Concern: why are you still being intimate with him?”
“When I got cleared by my OB to resume normal activities at my six-week postpartum check-up, we didn’t have sex for a while. I can’t recall how long exactly as my memory is s**t now due to no sleep.”
“A couple of weeks, maybe a month after, he told me that he was sexually frustrated because we hadn’t had sex in two to three-ish months. Partly, because I just had a baby and had no desire. And secondly, I was using the ‘I just had a baby’ excuse to avoid sex since there was no action on vasectomy yet at that point, and I was and am still nervous about unwanted pregnancies.”
“I felt guilty about withholding because when I had my baby, he did step up and things were better but that was short-lived.”
“But trust me, the frequency of sex is like twice, maybe thrice a month. The frequency doesn’t make the overall situation better but I’m not busting biscuits every day!”
“Concern: why aren’t you on birth control?”
“I used LH strips for the first five years of our relationship. I never had to use plan B, condoms, or anything else to avoid unwanted pregnancies. The most important factor was my periods were regular and like clockwork. I could predict it down to the hour almost.”
“However, since having both of my babies, my periods are wonky as f**k. Therefore, I’m realizing that LH strips are not the best as there is too much irregularity in the possible ovulation window.”
“Condoms are too iffy for us as we have had ‘impactions’ twice. I don’t want to use the pull-out method as that is how baby two got here. Not reliable.”
“Ultimately, I’m taking everyone’s advice and I’m gonna be having an OB appointment soon to get something solid for birth control.”
“Concern: can you limit your work hours or go part-time?”
“An option at my job came up twice in the last six months for me to move to dayshift, which would be better for work-life balance. In order for me to move to the day shift, my fiancé would’ve had to ask his boss to adjust his work days to accommodate the tag-in-tag-out situation that we have with childcare. He refused to even ask.”
“I told him it’s better to ask and be told no versus never ask and never know what could have been. Long story short, he never asked.”
“I told my fiancé if he could increase his salary close to what we make together that I would be willing to be a stay-at-home mom or seek part-time work. I even asked him to just interview at a few places just to see what the pay is now for his occupation (he works in IT, the networking sector).”
“He refuses to because he’s comfy where he works, introverted, and doesn’t want to go through the onboarding process at a new job.”
“Concern: Mental health issues?”
“I did communicate with him very clearly that I am depressed and that there are some days that I don’t want to be here. He just hugs me and tells me to let him know whatever I need. I do let him know what I need but he doesn’t follow up.”
“Therefore, I stopped asking and just attempt to handle things on my own. I love my children and would never want to do anything to harm them. Just because I had these horrible thoughts, doesn’t mean that I will act on them. Not even close.”
“I know what I need help to get to a better place mentally and I’m very conscious of that. Therefore, when I get very overwhelmed, I immediately take a break, even if it is five minutes.”
“Overall, I need professional help. I realize that. I can’t handle this on my own.”
“Concern: It’s irresponsible to leave your kids.”
“I do understand that. I disclosed this feeling to him in an attempt to stress to him the level of desperation that I was in for some relief. I’ve had gentle conversations and hard conversations with him about our current family dynamic, and nothing seems to stress the point to him.”
“I feel like I’ve been in fight mode the whole time and now I feel like all is left is flight. If put to the test, would I honestly leave my two kids? No. But I feel a strong urge to, just to get some relief.”
“I will say that after I told him my initial statement about running away essentially, he started bringing up the vasectomy conversation more and talking about what he learned online about it. I don’t know if he feels threatened by the loss of dependency, so now he’s trying to show more effort to look into it, or if he’s genuinely taking it more seriously.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her partner was not the loving partner she deserved.
“She’s worse than alone, because she’s taking care of him, too.”
“She asked for help, he said tell me what do you need, that’s weaponized incompetence.”
“She’s telling him her mental health is not ok. He just hugged her!”
“Every sane person will feel like OP, being overworked, sleep deprived, with two babies and no support. On top of that, she’s stressed about adding another child, because she’s the one who will take care of them.”
“OP, you’re a married single woman. Talking is not working. You need to act, you’re already burned out.”
“He’s not stressing because he’s not taking any responsibility. Stop waiting on him. Your children need you strong, but you need to take care of yourself for that. Put yourself first.”
“Stop doing anything not necessary, even giving him instructions.”
“Getting pregnant is a source of stress. Stop having intimacy.”
“Do you have family that can help you? Or, can you hire help?”
“Look for a therapist for you only, and check if you have PPD with your doctor.”
“Take care.” – Lazy_Lingonberry5977
“You are NTA. Your fiancé is a juvenile, irresponsible jackass. He’s just like a little kid hoping if mommy keeps telling him to do something, and he keeps putting it off, she’ll either forget about it or take care of it herself.” – bluefleetwood
“The OP SHOULD be able to get a break. The OP SHOULD be getting the ACTUAL support she needs. Heck, the OP SHOULD be able to take herself out for a nice, quiet, relaxing day, with a schedule of her choosing.”
“But we all know what would happen, right? She would come home to the kids not being fed or changed. Them not being bathed and him probably sitting there either ignoring them or in the other room completely. Probably asleep.”
“He sounds like he doesn’t give a single f**k about his kids at all. That’s fine if someone feels like they’re not ready, but they can’t just walk away like it never happened.”
“If he doesn’t want to do this, he can sign away his rights and pay child support. Men like him make me angry. They seem to think that they can just walk away because they weren’t the one who was pregnant so they think it’s not their problem.” – black_orchid83
“I hate how relatable the OP’s story is. I hate that this is so predictable.”
“Women are left to do pretty much 99% of the work and then on top of that are told not to complain. I begged my ex for help and then I finally demanded that he help me with my son and he said, stop complaining. I left him about a week after that. I started planning my exit.”
“I was just done with him. Surprisingly, his sister backed me and stood up for me.”
“She told him that it was not fair that he left me to do everything and she went with me to get the help I needed. We’re very close to this day. She comes over to help me with the kiddos a lot.”
“I had a daughter by another man and she still helps me with her. So do the grandparents. I’m lucky and I realize that not every single mother gets so lucky. She should absolutely be screened for PPD right away though. It sounds like that maybe what’s happening on top of everything else.” – black_orchid83
“It sounds like he doesn’t give a f**k about anyone but himself. Not his kids and certainly not his wife. He is basically leaving everything to her that doesn’t suit his convenience: birth control (I am surprised he even agrees to using condoms, as they would interfere with his pleasure), housework, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc.”
“What does he do besides have a job and take care of the kids while they are asleep?”
“This is not a ‘partnership’ I would want to be part of.” – TheResistanceVoter
Others agreed and encouraged her to stop having sex, period, until the vasectomy.
“If you have had thoughts about self-harm or harming the kids, you need to speak to a doctor.”
“Also, please look into daycare or a nanny on one day of the weekend so that you can have a break.”
“If he is not willing to get a vasectomy, I would be refusing intimacy.” – sandpaper_fig
“Stop having sex with him. Definitely. If you can’t have sex responsibly, you don’t have sex.”
“OP went through two pregnancies, she’s put in the work. It’s time for him to play his part. It’s VASTLY less risky and life-altering to get a vasectomy even compared to hormonal birth control.”
“AND CAN WE PLEASE ALSO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS: ‘I felt guilty about withholding (sex) because when I had my baby, he did step up and things were better but that was short-lived.'”
“OP, you are not a sex vending machine. He can’t give you chores and expect sex in return. Sex is not his reward for being a good boy. Sex is between two ENTHUSIASTICALLY CONSENTING adults.” – VolatileVanilla
“Another Redditor said exactly what I was thinking: ‘If he is not willing to get a vasectomy, I would be refusing intimacy.'”
“Because it’s that, especially that, more than anything else.”
“My daughter’s father has basically said that he doesn’t want her. He refuses to get snipped. He just thinks that pregnancy seems to be the woman’s problem. I guess he’s one of those men who thinks that if he does, his manhood comes into question.”
“Anyway, he’s an id**t because he literally said, ‘I thought we said we didn’t want kids. I thought we talked about this when we were together.’ Well, motherf**ker, sorry, but it’s a little late for that. He said that while I was pregnant, and that’s basically what I said.”
“I said, ‘You don’t have to be in her life, but you will be paying child support. You’re not just going to walk away from this like you had no hand in it.'”
“The OP’s partner needs to do the same thing, he needs to step up with his kids. Step up MORE. It sounds like she is predictably doing the lion’s share.”
“I don’t know what it is with these men who think that it’s okay to make the women do everything because iT’s wOmEn’S wOrK. I would just refuse to have sex with him at all at this point.”
“I would probably resent him so much that I wouldn’t WANT to anyway.” – black_orchid83
“It has been nine months. Unfortunately, your husband has clearly stated he won’t do it. Now the question is what you are willing to do? I’d suggest doing everything in your power not to become pregnant. If he doesn’t like that it is HIS problem.”
“Honestly, I can’t believe you’re letting him get away with doing so little around the house. Then again, to him, it isn’t a problem unless you make it his problem.”
“Just stop having sex with him, period, until he gets a vasectomy, starts doing more around the house (determined by you), and interviews for a few of those jobs, because that’s a great idea. See how ‘sexually frustrated’ he gets then!”
“NTA.” – HMS_Slartibartfast
“I read this twice and in my humble opinion, you’re not the AH. It’s horrible that he won’t do that for you and I understand how you can’t just up and leave him because you got two young kids. I understand that you said something to make a statement, not because it was something you wanted to do.”
“Me, personally, would not have sex with him anymore until he does it. He needs the message sent through something that will actually bother him… like his stupid sexual frustration.” – MyFoundersStayed
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief, promising update.
“I have an appointment with my OB on Wednesday for birth control options and PPD/mental health assistance.”
“I had to push and push, but I got them to book me sooner than January 2025.”
“I also took the day off tomorrow to sit down and discuss SEVERAL issues with my fiancé. I will update after that. Thank you again for your opinions, comments, questions, and concerns!”
The subReddit understood where the OP was coming from, and while some took what she said about leaving her children literally, others understood it as the call for help that it was. While the OP wasn’t ready to drop everything and leave her children, she wanted her partner to understand how serious the situation was to her.
Hopefully, she would get good news at her upcoming appointment, but if her partner wasn’t willing to do his fair share, with their bodies, their children, and their home, could they realistically take their wedding vows?