Americans are still grappling over the harsh reality we are living at a time when women are losing body autonomy and the decision to terminate unwanted pregnancies has become illegal in 12 states.
A woman who thought she and her husband had a deal to prevent getting pregnant found herself at odds and made a unilateral decision to ensure protection.
She subsequently visited the “Am I the A** Hole?” (AITAH) subReddit to seek judgmement from strangers online.
There, Redditor overthinkingsabotage asked:
“AITAH for withholding sex because my husband won’t get a vasectomy?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Neither of us want children. This was discussed and agreed upon very early on in our relationship. The subject of sterilization came up during our engagement.”
“We agreed it would be easier, cheaper, and less invasive for him to get a vasectomy vs me getting a bisalp. He said he would be sterilized after we got married.”
“We’ve been married for three years now. Sterilization has been the focus of several arguments over the years, which have only gotten more frequent since RvW was overturned.”
“We live in a red state with an absolute ban. There is legislature being proposed to document pregnant women and penalize out-of-state termination. I’m TERRIFIED of getting pregnant. It would ruin my life. He knows my feelings.”
The OP continued:
“Every time I ask him about getting a vasectomy, he always says the same thing. ‘I’m too busy, I don’t have time, it’s invasive, seeing a urologist will take forever, they don’t even put you to sleep, etc.’ ”
“He’s a resident doctor. It’s true he is very busy. He works anywhere from 30-70 hours per week. I’m a PA student. I spend 50+ hours a week attending class and studying. But he has the luxury of taking time off. I do not. For the next two years, my schedule will be inflexible.”
“He claims vasectomies are just as invasive as a laparoscopic bisalp. I told him that’s simply not true, hence why general anesthesia is required for a bisalp and only local anesthesia for a vasectomy.”
“Not to mention bisalps have a longer healing period and carry more risks than vasectomies. Considering his extensive medical knowledge, I was SHOCKED by his statement.”
“We are both in our twenties—it’s substantially harder for young women to find a provider who will sterilize them than it is for young men. I started looking for a provider months ago and found some promising leads. He hasn’t even done a Google search.”
The OP was feeling overwhelming emotional distress.
“I feel so disgusted, disappointed, and angry. He knows I’m terrified of getting pregnant. He knows bisalp is the more invasive procedure. He knows the entire process of finding a provider, scheduling the appointment, having the procedure, and then recovering post-op will be more difficult, time consuming, and expensive.”
“I asked him why he’s so unwilling to have the procedure. Is he scared? Does he want children? He said no to both, then repeats the same excuses.”
“I finally told him to forget it, and that I’ll go ahead with the bisalp. But sex is off the table and will be for the foreseeable future. Despite being on birth control, I’m no longer willing to take the risk. He thinks my reaction is unfair. AITAH?”
The OP updated the post with the following edits.
“Edit 1: Wow. Crazy how many people crawled out of the woodwork to tell me I’m punishing my husband by refusing sex. As if my body is a toy being taken away from him. Disgusting.”
“Edit 2: No one is entitled to sex. Not even in marriage. I am not ‘using sex as a weapon’ as some of you vile individuals claim. I am protecting myself from unwanted pregnancy. My attitude toward sex evolved with my state’s legislature. Contraception was sufficient until I lost access to abortion. Being forced to carry and birth an unwanted child would ruin my life. That is not a risk I’m willing to accept for anyone.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“For someone who is supposed to care about you greatly he is showing less than none. I’d have to rethink my relationship in this situation. First he is being dishonest about something and refuses to communicate what his real issue is. Second he is willing to have you go through something much more invasive for reasons he will not disclose.”
“I believe the dude is keeping his options open in case the marriage doesn’t work out. Many women will not have a man who doesn’t want children. And he is not willing to pare down his choices by doing something he can’t undo. You do absolutely know that his excuses are bogus; as you said you’re boggled by them because he is a doctor and you know he knows better.”
“Since you know that you absolutely do not want children, go ahead with your plan. It’s the only way you can be sure. As to sex…not only can you not take the chance of getting pregnant but really his attitude and care for you and dishonesty has to be a real turn off.”
“You need to consider that the evidence is pretty clear that he never intended to have a vasectomy therefore he has been lying to you for over 3 years…since your first discussion. I would not be able to trust a guy who would do this. What else would/has he deceived you about. It’s obvious that he’s willing to as long as it suits his purposes.” – Dazzling-Treacle1092
“If he’s a first-year resident, then he REALLY should know better. And if not, I pity you and all his possible patients. A vasectomy is a MUCH simpler procedure (there’s a reason it’s done in the office versus in the OR like a salpingectomy). If your husband doesn’t understand that simple difference maybe he should consider a much simpler career.”
“Also don’t put up with this sh+t. You are NTA, but if he continues to do this and you stay with him, then Y T A to yourself.” – KaylinNeya3
“His body his choice 😆, but that also means you get to decide on your form of birth control, in this case… abstinence, which is the most effective, safest, painless, least invasive option.” – lurkingreader1
“Agreed, it’s 100% his choice, and none of this would’ve been an issue if he hadn’t married her, making a promise he seems like he never intended to keep. like this to me feels like he agreed to it to trap her, and is now hoping to baby trap her or something.”
“if he had just said ‘hey, i’m actually a bit unsure about doing it i need to think about it’ instead of the excuses, this never would’ve been a fight or an uncomfortable situation.” – Slight_Chair5937
“That’s how I feel as well. Something isn’t right. For a doctor, he knows how these procedures work, as someone who also studied med… It’s very weird, and it’s not uncommon for people to ‘trap’ others in this area… I’m worried he might mess with her birth control, and it’s good that she is exercising abstinence until she is able to be sterilized. I’m worried about the aftereffects, though. hope she pulls through.” – TwoCharacter1396
“Also noting that he lied in order to persuade OP to marry him. I’m pretty sure the discussion over how they were going to not have kids would have been very different had he admitted right from the start that it was all going to be her problem to manage.”
“He’s *still* lying to OP by claiming medically-false facts as his justification for why he won’t get sterilized after agreeing to do so.”
“The blatant lying would be a marriage-killer for me.”
“NTA.” – SnarkyBeanBroth
“He is a doctor. He is not getting a vasectomy because he doesn’t want to. He sees no risk to his life & his future if he contributes to an unwanted unplanned pregnancy. It won’t affect his life or career so he doesn’t feel it is important to protect your life (literally your life considering maternal mortality rates & abortion laws) and your career.”
“Even if you wanted to & got sterilized yourself, is this the kind of person you want to build a life with?”
“I’d bet he doesn’t even want to use condoms as a back up since you’re on BC & he ‘doesn’t like the feel.’ “ – KindlyCelebration223
“I’m a husband, neither of us wanted kids. I got the vasectomy. Super easy, barely an inconvenience. I wasn’t put under and left 15 minutes later. The pain was so minor that regular ibuprofen was fine. Best decision I ever made. Also so many guys worry that after a vasectomy their sex drive or performance suffers. Not the case at all. I’m in my mid 30s, and my sex drive is fine.” – MacGruber46
Overall, Redditors felt the OP’s decision to withhold sex from her husband was warranted, and they thought that for someone who is in the medical profession to be so apprehensive about the procedure was not only cowardly but deceptive towards his wife.