It's a rough situation for parents when pregnancies are difficult, and births have unexpected complications.
There is already enough to worry about in the mundane details, let alone life-or-death situations.
When problems like this arise, everything else in life is back-burnered.
The main focus is on the new arrivals and the health of the parent who gave birth.
Not everyone agrees with this sentiment.
Redditor SavingsBitter1426 to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for posting screenshots of my S[ister]-I[n]L[aw]'s texts online and 'making her look bad?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[eamle]) and my wife (28 F) had our sons six days ago. The pregnancy was complicated, and they had TTTS (Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome), which resulted in them coming early."
"They are currently in the Neonatal Unit, and my wife and I practically live there so we can spend time with our boys."
"My brother and his wife got married two days ago."
"I didn't want to leave my sons or my wife, so I missed the wedding, although I sent them a gift from us and a text wishing them a fantastic day."
"I thought nothing more of it."
"Yesterday I got a text from my new sister-in-law explaining that because my wife and I missed the wedding she'd need us to send her £140 for our plates of food."
"I asked her if she was joking, and she told me that she got my wife couldn't go as she had to stay in the hospital but that I wasn't the one who gave birth, so I could have gone and saved two plates of food from going to waste."
"I told her she was being ridiculous and asked if my brother was aware she was asking his sister for money for food."
"She brushed that off and said weddings are expensive and that she had to try and recoup her losses and this should be between us 'woman to woman.'"
"Between this and her thinking I should have gone anyway, I admit I lost my temper."
"I ended up taking screenshots of the conversation and posting it to Facebook."
"This shocked several people in the family, and she must have gotten bombarded with messages as she told me to take it down, as I was making her look bad, and people were taking it out of context and thinking she was some kind of villain."
"My brother called me and told me not to worry about the money. He said it was stupid to expect us to pay for the plates, though, and asked me to take the post down, and he'd handle it."
"He seemed kind of shocked by her even asking this."
"Did I go too far?"
"My wife is mostly upset by our SIL's comment about how I wasn't the one to give birth, as if it makes me less of their mother."
"Maybe I should have handled it better but I admit at the time I wasn't thinking very clearly."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I'd take down the post as requested, though."
"It has served its purpose." ~ ElDjee
"NTA - 'she' made herself look bad by having the audacity to text this ridiculous request."
"Wishing your family speedy healing and best wishes!" ~ Shutupandplayball
"It isn't even the money."
"It is the lack of empathy for parents tending to children in a health crisis."
"Her nephews no less."
"As a side note, any caterers I know contract for a set number of meals."
"They generally advise you about 'over/under' numbers given that events like the above happen and/or some chucklehead will show up with an uninvited guest."
"They can cover the 'over' (if a small number) but you eat the 'under.'"
"Fair is fair."
"I do wonder if there were other no-shows."
"Not that it matters SIL still TAH." ~ TowelSpecific4498
"I hate when people get mad that getting exposed makes them look bad."
"Like, SIL dressed herself."
"OP just put her on the runway and everyone else rightly judged her 'look.'" ~ ApathyAstronaut
"This right here all day."
"Weddings can be expensive."
"My wife and I brought a BBQ and deputized a family friend as griller in chief."
"We prepped all our own food with the help of some friends since we have the skills."
"If you're looking to cut costs after the fact, it's a bad sign."
"We also just had our first."
"I, as the man in a hetero relationship, was 'only' support."
"We spent a couple of weeks in the hospital due to some complications."
"As a non-birthing parent, I was not going anywhere but there, thanks."
"SIL can get stuffed."
"The good news is, if they overspent on their wedding, the relationship is likely doomed anyhow." ~ monkeyamongmen
"Congrats on the babies, Momma!"
"I hope they are able to come home soon! NTA."
"Your SIL is insane to expect you to be there when your wife and babies are in the hospital."
"You were right where you were supposed to be 💜." ~ Loose-Chemical-4982
"NTA, personally, I'd have sent them to your brother instead of posting them online, but I don't think you were wrong to expose her bad behavior." ~ thaliagorgon
"Same. Sending it to my brother would have been more appropriate, but still NTA because of the audacity and lack of compassion from SIL."
"She low-key sucks." ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
"NAH. Putting it out there for everyone to see was the right thing."
"Now when my brother divorces her in two years because of more stunts this narc will pull, everyone will say 'I saw this coming when she demanded wedding dinner money while SIL was in hospital with the babies. The cheek of her!'" ~ Imsortofok
"My twins turned 30 this year, but I can still remember those first few days when I kept looking around for an Actual Adult to come to take care of them, only to realize it was me."
"It's a shock that hospital people will just send people home with entire babies (twins even!) like that's a totally sane and normal thing to do."
"Good luck, and have fun!"
"Twins are an adventure, and you will not be bored." ~ Clean-Patient-8809
"NTA. It would be tacky to ask in normal circumstances, but asking the parent of preemie twins in the N[eonatal] I[ntensive] C[are] U[nit] is unhinged." ~ sarabeara12345678910
"NTA. this! But for your brother's sake, I'd take it down."
"Nobody is going to forget that, and it will continue to spread anyway!" ~ OrganicFeedback4451
"NTA. She just got married and could be riding the high of that, but instead, she's pestering people worried sick about their newborns, over MONEY."
"But she chose to f*ck around, and now she's finding out. "
"And in my opinion, people deserve to know that SIL is seemingly devoid of compassion so they can avoid talking about sensitive subjects around her."
"Who knows what awful thing she'll say next!" ~ peakerforlife
"You didn't make her look bad."
"She did that all by herself."
"It sounds like your brother has a handle on this."
"I would take it down specifically because he asked." ~ Solid-Feature-7678
"NTA at all."
"Some people need public shaming to drop their bulls**t."
"She said some seriously hurtful things and all over 140 euros."
"Not a great way to start her entrance into the family."
"How incredibly rude and mean."
"And after the reaction of others in your circle, I would suspect most of them would have reacted the same way."
"Congratulations on your new babies and starting your beautiful family!"
"I hope you and your wife get to take your healthy twins home soon and start enjoying life!" ~ soft_cookie99
"NTA. I see divorce in their future." ~ Cultural-Camp5793
"NTA... that is beyond messed up, to come asking for money when of course you couldn't go, your damn wife just gave birth!"
"You would've been a terrible partner to her to leave her to go to a wedding."
"Your SIL seems incredibly tacky, good luck to your brother dealing with that!" ~ imamage_fightme
"NTA. She is some kind of villain."
"Congratulations on your babies." ~ BeautifulTerm3753
"NTA. Classy of you to take down the post once your brother handled it too."
"That was unreasonable of her and a bad way to start off a marriage to want to already keep a secret like that."
"I hope your wife, the babies, and you all heal quickly and fully." ~ Healthy-Panda-7936
"NTA. New SIL really got off to a really bad start as a member of your family, didn't she?"
"What a terrible, self-centered, insensitive person she is."
"Her saying her demand for the £ should be kept between you, 'woman to woman,' makes it very clear your brother didn't know what she was up to and she didn't want him to know."
"You didn't make her look bad - she did that all by herself."
"You posted her own words, and I'm sure nobody had to read between the lines to understand what she was saying."
"It's really nice, for once, to read that family/friends weighing in didn't say for the wronged/abused party to let it go, 'you know how she is, 'be the 'bigger person,' etc, to keep 'peace in the family.'"
"She is a villain and deserves everything others are saying about and to her."
"It's good that your brother is being supportive of the 2 of you and your precious babies but I do feel sorry for him."
"As for the food going to waste - if the wedding was in the same area where you are, she should have had the *$&! meals brought to you at the hospital!"
"Best wishes to the 4 of you, and here's hoping you'll all be able to go home soon." ~ Outside_Case1530
"NTA... everyone deserves to see her true colors."
"I highly doubt if you are the only one who's met the mean girl side of her."
"You are just the first one to call her out publicly."
"Your focus needs to be on your wife and those babies."
"Not your SIL acting like an entitled brat." ~ Mommabroyles
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your new SIL is a piece of work.
Focus on your family.
You had every right to be upset.
Congratulations on your twins!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp