Splitting a physical asset, like a house or car, between multiple heirs is much harder than splitting money. Often, the only solution is one heir buying out the other(s) or selling the asset to a third party and splitting the proceeds.
A husband whose wife has been trying to get her share of a joint inheritance turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on a hypothetical "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA) scenario.
SubsidizingSiblings asked:
"WIBTA if my wife and I were to force her sister and brother-in-law to move?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I recently got married. We are both financially frugal people with decent paying jobs. We save our money religiously and use it to meet our financial goals, especially ones in the future for when we have kids."
"My wife is DEEP in college debt. To the tune of about $200,000. She is starting her residency and we just got a bill in the mail for her private student loans. It's A LOT."
"Here's the saving grace. When her grandfather passed away, he gave half of his home to my wife, and half to her sister. Her sister is older, and has been essentially making unilateral decisions regarding the home the moment she inherited her half."
"She did things like renovate a kitchen, replace appliances, take over a room downstairs to be a work from home office, claim the master bedroom, and use the frog (fiinished room over garage) as her own personal storage space."
"A frog is a room above a garage that's kind of like a 'do whatever the hell you want with it' space. Usually it has two entrances, like from the mud room/laundry room inside the house, and then the upstairs if it's an attached garage. The entrances are inside the garage and an outside set of stairs if it's a detached garage."
"People will turn it into spaces like a second living room, a play room for the kids, a man cave, a music room. Or even a bedroom."
"Most frogs have an egress window and a closet which makes it legally qualify as an additional bedroom."
"Many times, frogs can be the most useful space from a utility perspective."
"Personally, when my wife and I buy a forever home, we're going to look for a house with a frog, and convert the space into an efficiency apartment that our kids can use for college or visiting when they are young adults."
"She did most of this while my wife was away in college 3 hours away. When my wife did move into the house, she was not given 50% or even 20% of the home to use for herself. She was relegated to a child's bedroom and the shared upstairs bathroom."
"When I met my wife, I took notice of this immediately. We discussed finances before getting married, and decided that since she would be moving out of the house to live with me, it would be prudent for her sister to buy her out of the rest of the house's equity."
"We notified her sister last June. We explicitly told her that she had the entire summer to figure out the finances. She said she would need a few months and would update us."
"Within two months of that conversation, they decided to buy a newish car for her husband... who had a work truck already. Sister works from home, so they have a car just sitting in the garage."
"It's been six months. And now that the student loan payments are coming in, we reached out to her sister once again, and informed her that she would have to buy her out and we needed to get the process started NOW."
"Her sister is now trying to encourage my wife to just have a conversation 'Between the two of them' because 'It's their business and not their husbands'."
"I call bullsh*t. This effects both of us just as much. My wife feels exactly the same. We are a 100% unified front on this."
"I won't go into specifics, but her manner of texting has led us to consider just giving her the 30 days required by our state and then if she doesn't have her sh*t together by then, forcing a sale through a partition suit."
"If we are forced to do this, we will pursue rental income owed through exclusive use case law regarding shared homes. Which would give us approximately $15-20,000 more in equity. That's substantial, and would essentially pay off our only car loan on top of wiping out my wife's private loans entirely."
"We aren't trying to uproot their lives. But we have decided that it is in the cards if they don't show some real progress towards rectifying this situation."
The OP later added:
"My wife tried to address this with her sister when she was in college. She was shut down. She tried to address it during summertime. Shut down."
"She's at a point where after long and hard consideration, she is 100% okay with me addressing it. We absolutely know this will likely result in me being despised by her sister. We just don't care anymore."
"We did care. We gave them tons of time. But we just dont care at this point."
"My wife doesn't want to work it out one on one with her sister alone anymore. She has too much history of her sister not respecting her boundaries."
"She's at a point where she would rather sic me on them and light a bit of a fire under their feet. Which I am 100% open to doing to anyone who makes my wife cry."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"We are trying to discern whether or not we would be the a**hole if we were to force a sale of the home that my wife's sister and brother in law are living in."
"We are still unsure if we should give them another chance to pay us without court getting invovled, or if we should just jump into a partition suit and pursue every penny we are entitled to or could convince a judge we are entitled to."
"If we take this action, it's going to be very stressful on their end, as they would have to move out of the home and find a place to rent. It would end up costing them a ton of money in legal costs, moving costs, closing costs, etc..."
"But it is what we are considering if they don't show signs of taking care of this out of court."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/YWNBTA).
"NTA. Though the title is misleading—you aren't forcing them to move, you are asking to no longer subsidize their lifestyle." ~ MennionSaysSo
"YWNBTA and you need a good property lawyer." ~ LowBalance4404
"Get a lawyer, force the sale of the house."
"If SIL wants to own the house 100%, they can get a mortgage to buy your half of the house from your wife at its current market value." ~ Turtle_ti
"SIL already considers the house 100% hers. Also, be ready for her to expect reimbursement for her personal enjoyment renovations. And don't be surprised if she tries to slide 100% of the cost over to wife's half of the profits." ~ Mirabai503
"Good news is, that is not how the law actually works. The SIL is 100% wrong."
"SIL may consider it 100% her house, but legally it is not."
"Also OPs wife (a 50% owner of the house) is not responsible for any part of the cost of the renovations done by the SIL."
"Not unless the SIL can prove that the repairs were needed to stop the house from deteriorating, and the SIL can also prove she alerted the other owners of the property of the issues, and the damage not repairing them world create. And then also coordinated those repairs & prices with the other owners of the property." ~ Turtle_ti
"Lawyer now. There's no way to do this in a 'friendly' way. Your SIL has made it clear she wants this house all to herself for free."
"Tell her she can either buy your wife out at half the current market value, or the house is put on the open market and you can split the profits."
"Her sister chose to play a stupid game, so she can collect on her stupid prizes." ~ BeautifulChaosEnergy
"SIL wants to cheat her sister out of her inheritance." ~ Lisa8472
"NTA. Your wife should just file for a partition sale at this point. Her sister could still get approved for a mortgage and buy out your wife's share as part of the partition sale negotiations." ~ teresajs
"You and your wife are making rational decisions, the sister is trying to just ignore the situation and keep doing what she wants with her taking 3/4 of the house it seems."
"Even if it costs you some money, you need a lawyer to be the attack dog and let him/her do their thing through the courts. This won't end well on a personal relationship status, so be prepared for that. Good luck, NTA." ~ GirlDad2023_
The OP provided an update:
"We didn't just talk to Reddit. We sought guidance from our pastor, and other people in our lives."
"My older sister went through something similar with her dad. So I asked her to make sure I wasn't being too a**holey about this."
"We're pretty much hearing a united front from literally everyone who knows us. And now we're hearing the same from third party strangers without any personal relationship to us."
"The message is clear now. It's going to be up to them if they want to aknowledge it and do the right thing. Or drag all our lives into hell."
The OP has seen the writing on the wall. His wife's sister will never share their inheritance without being forced to do it.
Selling the house and splitting the proceeds seems like the best choice.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp