As important as it is for two families to come together when two people are preparing to get together. But people are usually hesitant to see the family come together by moving in with the married couple, and for good reason.
Couples are meant to start a life of their own, and it can be easy for them to stay in the “kid” role if they continue to live with their parents, and it could even turn into a situation where someone gets taken advantage of, cautioned the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowAwayMoveAway129 was reluctant to see her mother-in-law move into her apartment but agreed because she was aiming to get a job in the city the following school year.
But when her mother-in-law didn’t even attempt to get a job, criticized her at every turn, and turned her future husband against her, the Original Poster (OP) questioned how she could live like this forever.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) if I move out of our apartment knowing my fiancé and his mom can’t afford it without me?”
The OP had been living with her boyfriend, and then fiancé, for a year and a half.
“My (ex?)-fiancé (27 Male) and I (29 Female) have been living together for about one and a half years.”
“My fiancé got his undergraduate degree, worked for a couple of years, and then decided to get an MBA, which is how he ended up in our city. We moved in together after he finished his MBA program.”
“My fiancé is from the midwest, and his mom has always wanted him to move back. When he told her he was staying here, she was heartbroken.”
She had also been working from home (WFH) the entire time they’d lived together.
“I went to college and got my degree in a STEM field. After I graduated, I got a job with my current company and moved to the city where we currently live. It’s a big international company with multiple international locations and locations in the US. I love my job, I like the company I work for, and the pay is pretty good. All in all, a pretty good deal.”
“During the pandemic, my office shut down and we all went to work from home. After the pandemic, they decided not to reopen this office, so I’ve been 100 percent WFH since early 2020.”
“I currently make considerably more than him, mainly because I’ve been working for seven years and I’m in tech.”
“I had been living by myself in a one-bedroom apartment and just had my office set up in the living room since it was just me. When we moved in together, we decided to get a two-bedroom apartment so I could use the extra room as an office. Because of this, I was paying two-thirds of the rent and he paid one-third. We split everything else 50-50.”
Everything changed when the OP’s fiancé’s mother came to live with them temporarily.
“The problem started this past May. My fiancé’s mom told him she wanted to move to our city to be closer to him. She asked if she could stay with us while she looked for a job and got settled.”
“She’s a teacher so we figured she’d be able to get a teaching job pretty quickly. Because of that, I didn’t really mind her staying with us as I figured it would just be for a couple of months over the summer.”
“Since I thought it would only be for a couple of months, I moved my office into a corner of our bedroom and my fiancé bought a bed to put in the second bedroom.”
“The problem is, she never applied for any teaching positions and has been living with us for six months now.”
The OP was struggling to live civilly with her future mother-in-law.
“She and I have really been struggling with each other since she moved in.”
“I can’t make her understand that I work full-time. She constantly interrupts while I’m working, which is bad enough, but she even interrupts when I’m on Teams calls.”
“She always asks me to take her places because she doesn’t like to drive in our city. She has pretty outdated views of gender roles and is constantly giving me a hard time for not doing more around the house and making my fiancé help with chores, his own laundry, etc.”
“The constant criticism and insults are just really wearing me down. And I HATE having my office shoved in a corner of the bedroom.”
The OP tried to reach a solution with her partner, but he did not help her.
“Back in September, I told my fiancé that since it looks like his mom is going to stay awhile, we should split the rent three ways. He told me she couldn’t afford that since she has to conserve money until she gets a job.”
“I told him I wasn’t happy paying extra for a bedroom I can’t use, so finally he said we could do a 50-50 split. I could afford to pay the extra, but I hate the idea of funding her lifestyle.”
“Every time I complain about her or the situation, he says he agrees but doesn’t know what to do because he can’t kick out his mom.”
“And he won’t talk to her about the way she treats me or how she behaves.”
“When I ask what the long-term plan is, he just says he doesn’t know.”
The OP realized she’d have better luck moving herself out than her mother-in-law.
“I’ve thought about giving him an ultimatum to tell her she has to leave, but I think he’d just end up resenting me for essentially putting his mom on the street.”
“One of my girlfriends is losing her roommate at the end of February, and our lease renews on the first of June. I’m very strongly considering moving out of our current apartment and moving in with her. I can afford to pay my part of the rent on our current apartment and also half the rent at my friend’s apartment. It’s not ideal, but I’m not a big spender, so it’s doable, and it would get me out of here.”
“The issue is, if he and his mom aren’t able to pay for one-third of the rent each, there is no way they could cover the whole thing on their own. But I can’t live like this anymore.”
“I’m pretty sure this is what I’ll do, but I wanted to see if people thought I’d be the AH for leaving them like this.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA for looking out for herself.
“His mom is taking advantage, and your fiancé isn’t setting boundaries. It’s a big concern for the future. You deserve better. NTA.” – WildflowerxChic
“OP, you’re not leaving THEM; you’re escaping a situation that was never fair to you in the first place.”
“His mom didn’t just ‘end up’ staying, she chose not to apply for jobs, and your fiancé chose to let her. Meanwhile, you’ve been paying the majority of the rent, lost your office, and now you’re stuck in your own home with someone who disrespects you daily.”
“If he wanted to build a life with you, he would’ve had a plan for this months ago. Instead, you’re the only one being asked to sacrifice.”
“Time to choose yourself, because they already have.” – BunnyDarry
“Totally NTA, OP. Be prepared for them to be upset because they are losing their MONEYBAGS!! They were USING you and had absolutely no respect for you, neither one of them!! If you don’t leave, you will be the AH to YOURSELF.” – 1890rafaella
“You’re NTA. And don’t feel bad about it, this is completely on your soon-to-be ex-fiancé and his mom. She lied and he is a momma’s boy who won’t stand up for you and he never will.”
“Your lease will be up and you’re not renewing whether they want to re-up or find a more affordable place for the two of them is their problem, not yours.”
“Move in with your friend at the end of February and find your freedom and your true happiness!” – CuteTangelo3137
“At this point…it has been eight months since May. So the MIL did this on purpose. This was her plan, probably the entire time.”
“OP, tell them, ‘I will no longer be working from home in a corner of the bedroom. If I cannot use the office I am paying for by February 15th, I will move out to other living accommodations.'”
“OR tell them, ‘I need to be able to concentrate while I am at work. Therefore, I will be moving out to another place to live. Should the living situation here changes, we can discuss if I am going to move back at that time.'”
“To be honest, you should move anyway. Unless you want this to be your life forever.” – SeaLake4150
Others agreed and theorized that the mother-in-law had been planning this all along.
“NTA.”
“His mom is the biggest a**hole because she specifically planned this. It isn’t that she’s had bad luck: she didn’t even apply!”
“Add in that, she didn’t respect your workplace and insulted you. She’s basically trying to be the matriarch of the house while being a complete mooch.”
“The biggest problem is your fiancé, though. This is just a glimpse of your future with a momma’s boy. He’s made it clear that he’s okay with her walking all over you, and she’s not leaving.”
“You’re going to end up as a third wheel in your own marriage if you stay. Red flags EVERYWHERE.” – JohnRedcornMassage
“This f**king MIL wants OP to do more housework like a dutiful trad-wife but is reaping the financial benefits of OP’s career as a strong, independent woman. MIL sucks in every way.” – Solf_Amoeba_5224
“There’s no reason that no longer future MIL couldn’t be substitute teaching every workday Monday through Friday in any city, burg, or town in this country! There are private schools, parochial schools, and public schools and they ALL need substitute teachers. She’s degreed even if she’s not licensed in that particular state.”
“This is ridiculous. OP needs to move on. This is a foretaste of her future with a man unwilling to stand up to his mother. She’s been more than fair. Time to move on and cut bait.” – SweetGoonerUSA
“When OP moves out, MIL can do all the chores herself, earn her place if she isn’t working. She should be doing the cleaning, cooking, and laundry! She is able-bodied and it is a sweet way for her to say thank you!”
“If that was me, it would be the least I would do in the circumstances. Also, devote two to three afternoons to send out resumes!” – Mysterious_Worry5482
“This woman is the epitome of ‘have your cake and eat it, too,’ by mooching off of her daughter-in-law, trying to tear her confidence down by nitpicking everything she does, and living off of her hard work.”
“If I was the OP, I’d be hard-pressed not to tell that old b***h I was the breadwinner in that house, and since we were swapping sexist gender roles, she better tell her son to get in the d**n kitchen after he finishes folding the laundry.”
“Good grief, I’m so glad this woman has an exit in mind and she’s already referring to this dude as her (ex) fiance. The sooner she leaves these insufferable mooches, the better.” – Least-External-1186
After receiving feedback, the OP felt empowered and shared an update in a second post.
“First off, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments, even the ones that were that were kind of harsh. Actually, probably especially the ones that were kind of harsh. I really needed some tough love to make me realize that I was letting my stb-ex and his mom take advantage of me.”
“The more comments I read, the more p**sed off I got. Honestly, I think I’m more p**sed at myself for allowing this to happen and not advocating for myself more.”
Before the update, the OP tried to talk to her partner one more time, but nothing changed.
“This past weekend, I got my soon-to-be ex alone so we could talk (which was actually harder than it should have been because his mom always tries to tag along when we do anything).”
“Going through all the comments everyone left and the messages people sent really helped me decide how to approach this. And also, it brought up a lot of good questions I should have thought of myself.”
“Back to the discussion with my ex: I wanted to give him one more chance to pick our relationship over his mom, not because I thought he would but I just wanted to be able to tell myself I give him the opportunity.”
“I explained again about how unhappy I am with the situation, how it’s affecting my work because of her constant interruptions and the physical arrangement in the apartment, and just being unhappy and uncomfortable that I’m forced to work out of a corner in our bedroom.”
“And I reminded him that until a few months ago I was paying the majority of the rent and being that I make so much more than him, it’s really my salary that keeps us all afloat. And I also brought up, again, the way she treats me and talks to me.”
“He replied the same way he has been: he agrees it’s not right how she acts and that it’s really uncomfortable for us all (What the f**k? I don’t care if she’s uncomfortable; she has everything handed to her!).”
The OP advocated for herself and pushed the conversation forward.
“Previously, I would have dropped it there, but this time, I told him how angry and disappointed I was that he let me pay for two-thirds of the rent when she first moved and how unfair it was that I’m still paying for half when there are three people living there and she is the only one with her own bedroom.”
“He gave me the same story as before; she has to conserve money since she doesn’t have any income currently, which brought up the question of where all her stuff went when she moved, and what money she uses for incidentals.”
“So evidently, when she got divorced (she asked for the divorce AFTER my ex went off to college; her husband didn’t want the divorce), his dad bought her out of the equity in their house.”
“My soon-to-be ex didn’t have any idea how much money that involved or how much was left, but until she moved here, she was working full-time as a teacher and lived in a small apartment, so she should not have had to tap into the divorce settlement money very much.”
“Other than that, he didn’t have much insight into her finances other than what she told him (that she has to conserve money) and whether or not she’d actually needed our help all this time.”
The OP finally gave her soon-to-be partner the ultimatum she’d been considering.
“I told him straight up that I was moving out before the end of the month and that from now on, I’m only paying 25 percent (as some of the commenters pointed out, she has a whole bedroom while I have to share with a man-child, so she should have to pay twice as much), and after I move out, I’m not paying for anything extra: no utilities, no food, nothing other than rent.”
“I have a pretty idea what his finances are like, and if he has to pay 75 percent of the rent all by himself, it’s going to take a huge chunk of his net income. And after he pays utilities and buys groceries, there won’t be anything left for incidentals. Rent was due on the first but it’s not late until after the fifth, so he has two days to come up with the money. If he doesn’t come up with it and I end up covering, then I’ll reduce the amount I pay in future months.”
“The only reason I’m going to keep paying any of the rent is even after I move out, I’m still on the hook. I talked to the leasing office and they explained that since my soon-to-be ex and I signed a single rental agreement together (e.g. one contract we both signed as opposed to two contracts we signed individually), we are both responsible for the rent.”
“They don’t care who actually pays as long as it gets paid. The only alternative would be if he agrees to sign a new lease by himself (or together with his mom). But in all likelihood, he wouldn’t be able to pass the credit check on his own, so I’m kind of stuck. I don’t think he’ll do anything stupid tough because he’s going to need to find someplace to live after this and a collection on his credit report wouldn’t be good.”
The OP was looking forward to having a new place to work.
“I also told him that I was going to find someplace to work during the day until I move so she can’t bother me.”
“My friend I’m moving in with said I could work there during the day since she and her current roommate have in person 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM jobs. I took her up on that for now.”
“After living with his mom, I’m not about to overstay my welcome, so I’m going to find some other options that I can rotate through. Someone suggested checking out the public library, or if it comes to it, I’ll get a membership at one of those ‘WeWork’ kind of places.”
“Just in case, I brought my important papers, files, and valuables, and my friend is storing them for me until I move in.”
The OP was surprised by how poorly her former partner took the news.
“He really didn’t take it well. The surprising thing to me is that he was surprised by everything.”
“He seemed really shocked that I wasn’t prioritizing his mom. I really got the feeling that he sincerly believed I wanted to take care of her as much as him and he kept saying stuff like, what about my mom, what am I going to tell her, that’s how she is but we (?!!??!) still need to help her, etc.”
“He asked about our relationship and the engagement. I told him after I moved out, I need some space from him. In a few months, when we’ve both had some time/space to process what happened if we BOTH agree, we can talk about the relationship. But he’d have to prove that he’s going to have my back going forward and will set boundries with his mom.”
“I told him that just to avoid more drama, but I don’t see a future in which we are together.”
The OP was curious how her ex-mother-in-law would take the news.
“I told him he needs to tell his mom because she’s not my responsiblity or problem, and she’ll know something’s up when I start moving my stuff out.”
“He hasn’t told her what’s going on yet, but this weekend, I’m going to start moving things, so he doesn’t have much time.”
“My friend’s current roommate starts a new job in another state on the third, so in reality, I can probably move in two to three weeks, just depending when she actually leaves.”
“I don’t expect him to do anything bad around me or to my things (other than sulk and complain), but if he does something stupid, or doesn’t pay his part of the rent, the ace up my sleeve is I’ll tell the leasing office his mom moved in, which is prohibited in the lease. Honestly, getting evicted would solve a lot of my problems right now so it’s a pretty valid threat, I think.”
“Now that I’ve mentally and emotionally separated myself from him and his mom, I’m looking forward to her reaction when he tells her what’s going on.”
“If it gets too ugly, I’ll find a cheap AirBnB or hotel or something. I’ve had some friends, including the one I’m moving in with, offer to let me couch surf for a few weeks, but I just can’t do that to someone else after how she’s treated me.”
“So, that’s it. I’m leaving and I really don’t care how that affects them.”
Fellow Redditors were relieved that the OP stood up for herself and hoped for an update.
“I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Your boyfriend just seems to be a wet noodle. He wants space but he has no backbone to set boundaries with his mom and feels like he’s stuck, which he isn’t. It will never change so you’re doing the right thing by prioritizing yourself! Good luck.” – AnakaliaKehau
“Not only did he not have a backbone, but he didn’t realize he needed one. He thinks it’s his job to take care of mommy no matter what and any woman that decides to be in a relationship with him is going to come in third. She is so smart to get out. Mama’s boy of the worst sort!” – Critical_Armadillo32
“This makes me petty, but if his mom really shows her a**, please come back and update us. It’s so satisfying when mooching in-laws/family unravel when you refuse to subsidize and cater to them. Good luck!” – Lazuli_Rose
“We need an update on mom‘s response to your moving out and her having to contribute to the bills.” – Dancing_Desert_Girl
“I totally want a petty update as well, although I will definitely say I’m blaming the boyfriend more than the MIL here and am hoping we get a proper ‘We’re over for good’ update.”
“His whole ‘But we need to take care of her!’ to me says that he thought OP would take care of all those pesky home responsibilities that he doesn’t want to do.”
“He didn’t tell his mother off for expecting his girlfriend to do more of the cooking and cleaning because if she capitulated and lived the life his mother wanted her to live, it would greatly benefit his life.” – haleorshine
With many Redditors wanting to hear how the mother-in-law took the news, the OP shared her final moving-out update in a third post.
“Hey Everyone! I’ve been getting a lot of requests for updates, so I wanted to let everyone know how it went when my official ex’s mom found out about me not covering all the rent and moving out.”
“Honestly, it was kind of a s**t show. But I’m moved out and I’M OFF THE LEASE! My ex-mother-in-law is on the lease now, and she and my ex’s dad are covering half the rent, and my ex is covering the other half.”
The first confrontation came in the form of a backhanded observation.
“Last week, I started working out of my friend’s apartment (the one I’m moving in with), so I didn’t see my ex’s mom on Monday.”
“Tuesday around lunch, she sent me text, asking where I was. I told her I was working and I’d be home late that night.”
“She replied that my ex told her that I wasn’t going to be contributing as much so she had to loan him money for rent. That wasn’t a surprise to me, so I just replied with a thumbs-up emoji.”
“I had plans with my friend and her roommate (who I’m also friends with) to go out for dinner and then get some drinks. So by the time I got home, it was after midnight, and my ex’s mom was already asleep.”
The OP’s ex-mother-in-law was under the impression that she was financially irresponsible.
“The fun started Wednesday morning. I was getting ready to go to work at my friend’s place when ex’s mom stopped me and said we need to discuss my ‘financial situation.'”
“Then she went on a whole tirade about her having to cover my part of the rent, me making foolish choices by going out to dinner when I couldn’t even pay rent, I was irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of the impact it had on others, blah, blah, blah.”
“She went on to say that if she was going to have to pay my share of the rent she expected me to do a better job of keeping on top of chores and keeping the apartment clean and organized.”
“I told her I was moving out since obviously my ex hadn’t told her yet. She seemed, I don’t know, pleased with herself? All she had to say was, ‘Maybe that’s for the best.'”
“When I got home that night, right off the bat, she wanted to talk. She said instead of me moving out, we could get a bigger apartment, and she’d ‘be willing to help by paying’ the difference between a two-bedroom and a three-bedroom. Then we could go back to the arrangement ex, and I had before she moved in (me paying two-thirds of the balance and him paying one-third).”
“Honestly, when she was saying this, I think my brain vapor-locked. She was making it sound like she was doing us a favor by offering to pay the increase in rent.”
“Aparently this man-child who tells his mom literally EVERY. SINGLE. THING about our lives and relationship hadn’t bothered to tell his mom how much I was actually contributing. It seems like once she discovered ex wasn’t paying for everythnig like she thought, she wasn’t as excited about me moving out.”
The situation continued to escalate.
“I tried to be polite and told her I’d already giving notice to our apartment complex that I was moving out at the end of the month and already committed to move in with my friend. She kept pushing the issue and said if she was willing to pay the difference, I should just stay ‘because that would really be best for everyone.’ By then, I was getting annoyed and told her that because of the way she has been acting and treating me, I had no interest in living with her anymore.”
“That’s when the best line of this whole dumpster fire came out of her mouth. She said she was worried I was taking advantage of her son, and if we had told her about our financial arrangement, she would have been more understanding of why I wasn’t keeping up with the apartment.”
“I told her maybe a good lesson from this is to try being nice to everyone in the future and not just the people you think can help you. And I asked her why SHE didn’t help out more since she wasn’t doing anything productive all day.”
“She did NOT like either of those comments, and it got pretty hostile with both of us yelling at each other. And to be fair, we both said some pretty awful things to one another.”
“Finally, I told her I was going to inform the rental office that she had been living there contrary to the lease agreement because getting evicted would be worth it to see her living on the street. I grabbed my laptop and went to my friends. I didn’t even bother packing an overnight bag.”
To the OP’s satisfaction, her ex-mother-in-law was added to the lease agreement.
“The next afternoon (Thursday), my ex texted me and said he had added his mom to the lease effective the first of the month and that she and his dad (I have no idea how that poor man got roped into this) would pay half the rent and ex would pay the other half.”
“I confirmed with the property manager that I was off the lease and didn’t have any further obligation. I got it in email, so I have a record. I put disconnect orders in for the utilities under my name and told him to call and set up accounts under his name. I’m going to lose the damage deposit (it goes to whoever is living there when the lease ends), but it’s a small price to pay to be free.”
“On the way home, I stopped and got a bunch of boxes to pack my stuff up. She was pretty hostile when I got home, and when she saw how much I was taking, she got worse. I ended up taking Friday off to finish packing and on Saturday got some friends to help move stuff to my new place.”
“I’m going to pay my friends some rent for the next two weeks until the one moves out. They didn’t want me to, but I’m not going to stay in someone’s home and not contribute. If nothing else, living with ex and his mom taught me that.”
The OP officially ended things with her ex-partner.
“Last night, my ex and I got together and talked for the first time since Saturday. He said his mom is staying until June when the lease is up then she’s moving back to their hometown. According to him, she just really didn’t like living here, so she didn’t try to find a job.”
“Then he asked how long a break I thought we should take. A few commenters gave me a hard time for stringing him along, so I was brutally honest and told him I could not be with someone who allowed others to treat me the way he allowed his mom to treat me and that I hoped he learned to stand on his own and establish some boundaries.”
“He looked like he was going to cry and just got up and left.”
The OP was left amazed by her ex-mother-in-law’s obliviousness.
“As far as I’m concerned, this whole thing is over and done. I’m going to call it a learning experience and be glad I found out how awful ex’s mom is BEFORE we got married. The thing that amazes me is the amount of damage this woman leaves in her wake and how utterly oblivious she is.”
“She destroyed our engagement and relationship, is leaving her ex in a MUCH worse financial situation, pushed back her ex-husband’s retirement by I don’t know how many years since now he likely has to pay off a mortgage (or second mortgage) he had to get to pay her half of the equity. And she made my life h**l for over six months.”
“And she’s walking away completely unscathed. According to my ex, she’s going back to her hometown and picking up her old teaching job.”
“I’m thinking about going to visit my parents next week and working from their house. I want to tell them how boring and undramatic they are and how I’m so grateful for that and love them for it, lol (laughing out loud).”
While it was a long, drawn-out, and messy process, it was a relief to see the OP stand up for herself and create a new space for herself and her career by moving beyond this relationship.
It’s true that in any marriage, to a certain extent, you “marry” the other person’s family, but being involved to the extent that this mother-in-law would have been was otherworldly and inappropriate.