Some people hold some things so sacred that they get very protective of them, and refuse to allow other people to share them.
What complicates this is that these people have no rightful ownership of these things like dates, songs, or places that hold special meaning to them.
As a result, when they learn that someone will be holding their birthday party at a certain venue, choosing a specific song for their first wedding dance, or having a celebration on a certain day, they won’t take kindly to it at all.
The only thing that surprised Redditor MurkyMitzy more than learning that her mother was getting remarried was the day on which she was choosing to get remarried.
While the original poster (OP) took this news with something of a grain of salt, her husband was less subtle with his feelings.
Even going so far as to make a shocking declaration about how his future with his mother-in-law (MIL) will be if she goes forward with the wedding on her chosen date.
A declaration the OP had no trouble telling her husband she found completely ridiculous.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling husband we don’t own our anniversary date?”
The OP explained why the day on which her mother chose to get married proved a major point of contention between her and her husband.
“My 71-year-old mother is getting remarried quite suddenly to a man she hasn’t known long, about 6 months.”
“Since it’s not either’s first marriage, they’re getting married at the courthouse on a weekday.”
“The date she chose happened to be my own wedding anniversary, even though she knew it was my anniversary.”
“It will be my 21st anniversary when she gets married.”
“When my husband found out, he became angry and asked why she stole our day.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer it if she had chosen a different day too, but I’m not going to get worked up about it.”
“He is not going to the wedding, and he is saying he will never talk to her again over this.”
“I don’t know what that means for holidays, birthdays, things like that but I’ll cross that bridge some other time.”
“I also feel like we should not be avoiding her and her new husband. We should be over there all the time to make sure mom’s ok.”
“I told him I was upset about the day she chose too, but that we don’t own that day.”
“AITA for saying that?”
“Our anniversary holds special meaning to us, but I wouldn’t expect others to treat that day special.”
“My husband and my mother have always gotten along.”
“They are both lovely people.”
“I did tell my mother that one of the days she had to choose from was my anniversary.”
“And my husband did take me out for a very nice evening for our anniversary.”
“More specific info-mom had 4 dates she thought she could choose.”
“Magistrate was on vacation for 2 of them, and the other day was booked when she called so this ended up being her only option.”
‘She’s not been able to tell him any of this because he won’t talk to her.”
“And he gets very upset if I talk about the topic at all.”
“Mom did not remember my anniversary date until I reminded her.”
“Honestly, I have no idea what day my daughter’s anniversary is either.”
“I do care about my anniversary and my husband.”
“And my mother.”
“I can care about multiple things at once.”
“He is a good man, and she is a good mother.”
“She has never been manipulative, though she does need help, being 71 years old.”
“My husband and mother have gotten along very well until this incident.”
“When I said I wished they could just get along, I meant right now.”
“She calls him son, and he calls her mom.”
“They were always good with each other.”
“And I’m not cutting either one out of my life so…”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, the majority of people did end up finding the OP to be the a**hole for the way she treated her husband.
Some agreed that the OP was correct in pointing out that she and her husband didn’t own the date, and was right to tell him so, even if most people understood her husband’s anger at this, which they felt he was entitled to.
“You are right: You don’t OWN the date.”
“But it might cause your husband NOT to be there for her events.”
“That MIGHT be true for you if you decide for it to be that way.”
“But that is certainly not true for your husband.”
“HE is fine to have other priorities.”- Aggressive-Mind-2085
Others understood the frustrations of the OP’s husband a bit more, feeling he had every right to be annoyed. Even if they still respected that it didn’t bother the OP, many found the true a**hole in this situation to be the OP’s mother.
“You are right.”
“You don’t own the day.”
“Your husband is also right.”
“He makes a big deal out of an anniversary and your mother choosing that day can hurt her relationship with him.”
“I could go either way but I’m going to go NAH here.”- naraic
“Your mom is not someone like a friend or distant relative.”
“Your mom should absolutely not be doing this and actually seems vindictive.”-Critical_Item_8747
Most, however, sided completely with the OP’s husband, feeling that the OP should be more upset that her mother chose to get married on their anniversary date. The date itself had no meaning to her and was more out of convenience, while others found the wedding of the OP’s mother highly suspect.
“Unpopular opinion but YTA.”
“The comments and replies I’ve read made it sound like OPs husband and mother DO NOT get along.”
“I doubt someone who has been married for 21 years would get THAT upset over something so minor if it wasn’t built up over time.”
“So to me it seems like the mother is intentionally trying to antagonize OPs husband and her not backing him up undermines their own relationship.”
“I had a courthouse wedding, there are stipulations on when they do them.”
“The thing is if one courthouse doesn’t match your schedule you can go to another if there are more in your area (my city has 5 that I know of and only one had a slot around the time my wife and I wanted).”
“Also if it’s something important to a family member it isn’t hard to compromise and change the when, I’d have been so okay with waiting a week or two if that made a world of difference to someone we cared about.”
“So overall I think YTA not because they own the day but because by not supporting the husband OP is by default supporting the mother who sounds kind of obnoxious at best.”-DKGroove
“Look I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, in your position, but I find it weird that she chose your anniversary out of those four dates.”
“TBH getting married this week is hugely concerning.”
“Have you talked to your mum about a prenup?”
“Has she made any move to secure her assets?”
“YTA if you don’t make sure she’s secure herself as best she can.”- greenbunnyblue
“Because it upsets your husband so much, and because your Mom is getting married at a courthouse (relatively easily rescheduled).”
“You should have assisted in delivering his objections politely to your mother.”
“I planned my wedding on my Sister’s birthday because my wife said, ‘It was the only day everyone could attend’.”
“Sis was really sad but gracious, about it.”
“12 years later, I still regret, wish I could go back and change it.”- Polar777Bear
“You don’t own the day, but She chose that day for a reason, when it’s not hard for a different day to have been chosen.”
“Don’t be so naïve.”- privatejokerzz
“I’m going with YTA.”
“It sounds like your husband and mother do not generally get along and this is indeed the last straw on a big pile of burning hay.”
“You don’t own the date, but it has significance for you over the last 21 years, no less.”
“No, you don’t have grounds to request that your mother respects it; she can attach her own significance to the same date.”
“But that doesn’t mean hers now override yours.”
‘You can choose to spend the day with your husband, guilt-free.”- sanguinepsychologist
There’s nothing terribly wrong with the fact that the OP doesn’t feel as protective of her anniversary date as her husband does.
But seeing that it does matter to the OP’s husband, and doesn’t seem to really matter at all to her mother, perhaps the right thing for the OP to do is intervene and kindly request they get married on any other day.
Doing so might also shine some more clarity about the intentions of the man the OP’s mother is going to marry.