Some people are willing to offer help to a family member without a second thought.
Others tend to be a little more hesitant.
This isn't out of malice or pettiness, but simply because they cannot provide the help being offered.
Even so, the ones asking for help don't always accept this rationale.
The father-in-law (FIL) of Redditor Ilsabet found himself in a precarious position.
Eventually, he asked the original poster (OP) for help,
Unfortunately, the OP had to deny her FIL.
The OP's FIL seemed to ignore the denial, though.
Having trouble processing this situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for being angry with my FIL for telling my MIL he's moving in with us after we've repeatedly told him no?"
The OP explained why they had to. deny their FIL the assistance he was demanding from her and her husband:
"I (54 Female) am disabled, as is my husband (44 Male), and my FIL will shortly be losing his current housing situation."
"We have told him on many occasions he can NOT move in with us."
"Because we are both disabled and also do not have medical training, we are just unable to care for him properly."
"Today my mother-in-law [MIL] called asking for a ride because she is taking some things from his place tomorrow, and she said he told her he was moving here."
"I told her no he isn't, in fact if my husband had ever offered that...he wouldn't...I would divorce him."
"So tomorrow my husband is going to have a face-to-face talk with his dad yet again."
"I hope it sinks in because if I have to tell him it will be a far less polite conversation."
"He had nursing care and Meals on Wheels coming to him."
"He does need care, just not from us."
"He doesn't have dementia."
"He just doesn't like the word no."
"Like when I refuse to buy him cigarettes."
"My father died from lung cancer, and I have COPD, so I won't buy them."
"He doesn't get that no means no."
"Or that just because we don't have kids, my SIL has 3 kids, that we can take in an adult-sized child."
"[My MIL and FIL] separated over a decade ago, and she moved to another state to be closer to SIL."
"Next state over, but yeah, they don't see each other much."
"He had Meals on Wheels delivering and nursing care coming to him...he needs either assisted living or a nursing home."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow her FIL to move into her home.
Everyone agreed that if the OP and her husband couldn't provide her FIL with the help he needs, then he had no business moving into their home:
"NTA."
"Might want to follow up the conversation with something in writing since FIL ignores conversations."
"Also, you may not want to let him in to visit."
"He may refuse to leave."- Ok_Illustrator_7445
"NTA."
"Is he in cognitive decline and doesn't remember, or is he just stubborn?"- Careless-Ability-748
"NTA."
"FIL is."- AspiringCrone
"NTA."
"But call local senior services if you have them in your area."
"If he needs medical care and support, they may help him."
"Is he still married to MIL?"- allergymom74
"NTA."
"You both are reinforcing your boundaries."
"That's what you have to do with boundary pushers."
"I did see your post from a few months ago about what your FIL said he'd do if he's forced into a home (being vague due to sub rules)."
"If a home is his only option, be prepared for him to repeat this threat."
"Be prepared to call help for him if he does."
"I'd also be prepared for him to just show up one day."
"Don't let him in if he does."
"Boundary pushers are persistent and often willing to go to extremes to get their way."
"Stand firm with your husband on your no."
"Having a united front is going to be essential."
"If necessary, go low to no contact."
"At least until he's moved into wherever he actually is going."- ApprehensiveBook4214
"NTA."
"The answer is no."- lmchatterbox
"NTA."
"Some people have a lot of nerve."- Paevatar
"NTA."
"Are you and your husband willing to call the police on FIL if he shows up at your door?"
"Let FIL know that."
"Then do it if necessary."- PDK112
"NTA."
"You cannot care for someone when you are already struggling with your own disabilities."
"Boundaries are not optional when they are a matter of health and safety for everyone involved."- Affectionate_Pen9685
"NTA."
"And make sure neither of them has a key, do you have any siblings who would 'help' him move in to your place?"
"Do they have keys?"- EdithVinger
"NTA."
"Boundaries are not suggestions."
"It is actually dangerous for you to take him in if you cannot physically or medically provide the care he needs."-Reasonable_Owl_3998
"NTA."
"You're not obligated to let any adults move in with you."
"If you let them move in or even stay a few days, they'll never leave."- Entire_Broccoli_9019
"NTA."
"Make sure you secure your house."
"If he doesn't respect your 'no' he may try to force the issue."- Frostybrown53
"NTA."
"Make sure he or MIL doesn't have a key."
"Once he's there and inside it will be much more difficult to get him out."- rnick467
"NTA."
"Make sure that the door is always locked and maybe consider a Ring doorbell so you can answer without opening the door."
"Please make sure if his family knows if he shows up with a suitcase someone is paying for Uber to send him to their house 'Good luck'."- TheeMadThrasher
"NTA."
"He understands fine."
"He's just pretending he doesn't because he thinks you'll give in."
"Stop offering reasons and hoping he'll show he gets it."
"Your husband's talks don't work because your FIL wants what he wants and thinks you'll cave."
"This isn't a negotiation where everyone comes to some sort of compromise."
"Tell him no, and that if he brings it up again, you'll hang up the phone or leave the room."
"Then do it."- pnw_cfb_girl
"NTA."
"Make sure he can’t get into your house and doesn’t start sending mail there to try and establish residency in some way."
"Protect yourself and your home!"- Chaotic_Natbot
"NTA."
" U should be with hubby for this talk, and have MIL there as well. And have her witness you said no."- Personal-Piglet1397
"NTA."
"Just lock him out."- Supermadegirl67
"NTA."
"I hope he doesn't have a key to your house."
"He might move himself in when you're not home."- Lumpy_Ear2441
The OP would later return with a subsequent post, sharing that her FIL continued to make his situation much more difficult than it needed to be:
"Last month his landlord, who is m (80), finally decided to retire and sell the place and not renew his lease, so FIL needs to finally accept that, with his issues, he needs to go to a home."
"He told us he found a place and was supposed to be gone on the 15th."
"I even lent him the money so movers would take his stuff into storage so he wouldn't drag his feet."
"Now for some damn reason he's making it seem like he's going to try to sue the man who's been putting up with him for decades."
"He occasionally paid rent late or borrowed money for snacks, smokes, etc."
"This has stressed me out so much. When I was in the hospital being treated for a few things, my blood pressure was 213/131, and the doctor asked if something was causing me problems."
"We aren't even sure why his landlord hasn't just called the cops and had him forcibly removed."
"Am I horrible for just wanting to wash my hands completely of the man and telling my husband not to answer the phone next time he calls?"
Unfortunately, things would only go from bad to worse:
"Like a fool, I lent him money again so he could put his belongings into storage and not drag his feet on leaving."
"The movers did come, and the majority of his things are stored."
"The lie is he never got a new place."
"Now he has called a lawyer and lied to them, saying he's being evicted."
"He is not."
"His lease is just not being renewed."
"His landlord was called by this lawyer about this so-called eviction, but so far nothing has happened on either end."
"He has every right to call the cops on my FIL and have him taken out of there... not sure why he hasn't yet."
"And lying to lawyers is just awful."
"He's been warned he's not moving in here, as I stated in a previous post."
"I want to tell him to stop lying to people, especially family."
Setting a boundary doesn't mean abandoning someone, especially when taking them in could jeopardize everyone’s health and well-being.
The OP and her husband have been clear that they are not equipped to provide the level of care her FIL needs. His refusal to accept their answer, and his repeated attempts to manipulate the situation, do not make that responsibility theirs.
Hopefully, the FIL will eventually accept the help that is actually appropriate for him. Until then, the OP and her husband may have no choice but to stand firm, protect their home, and remember that “no” is a complete sentence.
