Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition marked by a cycle of intrusive, unwanted, repeating thoughts often characterized by physical or mental rituals. While people with OCD may react negatively to having their rituals interrupted or derailed, verbally attacking others for a failure to meet their physical standards isn't a typical behavior.
Avoidance of situations or people is a far more common response.
Which is why a woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being labeled ableist for not quietly tolerating a person with OCD publicly demeaning them.
DustyBooksShelf asked:
"AITA for telling my friend he can come to our outings, but his girlfriend with OCD can't?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"English is not my first language, so, I'll try to be brief: I (20, female) have a group of friends I've known since school. We don't see each other often anymore because adulting is chaotic, but we try to get together every two months or so."
"There's about six people in this group, including Mark (22, male), who recently got a girlfriend who I'll call Sarah (21, female). Sarah has bad OCD—she told us this—and has loads of rules to what she can and can't tolerate, which originally wasn't a problem."
"Some of us are also neurodivergent/have conditions that required adaptations, so we adapted our outings whenever she wanted to come, since she was polite and nice."
"Everything was fine for a few months, until one of our other friends casually asked about my dermatitis and if it was better (I have contact dermatitis, which is not contagious in any way, shape or form, but it flares up often). Sarah heard it, and deemed me a 'contaminated person'."
"I tried to explain it to her at first, the day she found out, since she saw a red spot on my face after my friend asked. I told her that it's like an allergic reaction that happens at random and that it's not contagious, but it didn't seem to help."
"Ever since then, she's been treating me like I have the plague. She won't touch anything I have touched, won't sit near me, and will make a disgusted face any time I'm around, which at first I took. She has a condition and I don't care what she does."
"But she started doing it to other people, like warning people not to sit near me. And once at a restaurant, she told a waiter to be careful not to touch me when he handed me my glass or he would contaminate himself and everyone he served."
"At this point, me and everyone in the group are incredibly bothered by it, and one of our other friends even told her and Mark that she can do what she wants, but it's sh*tty to keep saying that to people."
"Here's where I may be the a**hole:"
"We were planning our next get together and I told the group that if Sarah was coming I wouldn't go. I don't deserve to be treated like a monster for something entirely out of my control, and harmless to others, and be shamed about it."
"Since the group was already bothered, we all decided that Mark was welcome, but we didn't want Sarah around until she dealt with that fear."
"He wasn't online at the time, so I texted him in private, explained that Sarah was making everyone uncomfortable, and we'd prefer she didn't come until she could work through at least not telling everyone not to touch me."
"I also said we understand if he didn't want to come without her. She's his girlfriend after all and he has to support her."
"Well a few hours later he blew up, called me an ableist a**hole, said Sarah had seen the messages and hadn't stopped crying, then blocked us all when he saw the group agreed."
"Am I the a**hole?"
"Should I have not said something to the group and just pretended I didn't hear her comments?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Tell your buddy that he's forgetting rule one: 'The right to swing your fist ends at my nose'."
"Her disability does not entitle her to actively harm others." ~ KrofftSurvivor
"NTA: The OCD doesn't compel her to publicly shame you." ~ Impossible_Rain_4727
"Exactly. It’s OCD, not Tourette’s." ~ iloveregex
"Unfortunately, she is making her fear not just everyone else’s problem, but is actually being rude and bad mannered about it and I cannot understand why she doesn’t know that."
"OCD doesn’t make you rude. And her OCD is her condition to manage."
"Her boyfriend can support her all he likes, but it doesn’t make her behaviour right. So NTA." ~ TumbleweedMaterial53
"As someone with an OCD diagnosis, I’ve learned that it isn’t healthy for the people in my life to 'enable' me with my compulsions. You are right to set this boundary, not only for your own comfort and sanity, but for hers as well."
"I’m so sorry she’s made those comments about you to others. That is really unfair and I imagine very hurtful. NTA." ~ coyotethequeen
"I second this as another person with an OCD diagnosis, and I specifically have contamination OCD. You’re NTA, OP." ~ FireInTheBones
"I also have contamination OCD. When I was doing therapy in the late 90s early 2000s, I was told that the world would not bend for me so I would have to adapt. My therapist was pretty blunt."
"When it comes to my own thoughts—if like my food is 'contaminated'—I'm just not eating. Period. I won't even feel hungry."
"If I touch something 'contaminated', I can feel it no matter how much I try to wash it off."
"For other people though, I would never want someone to feel bad because of my issues. Like, I already feel bad enough sometimes with the OCD and anxiety. I don't want to pass that feeling along to someone else." ~ bob_vello
"Also have OCD and I'm a firm believer in that it's mine to deal with, no one else's. I would never ask someone to change anything about themselves or their living environment for me."
"This has immensely helped my anxiety around certain things. I just tell myself 'it's their life, you will survive'."
"I still struggle, but I no longer have that overwhelming panic, at least not around others." ~ anxioushigh
"OP needs to throw the 'ableist' label right back at Mark, because Sarah is treating OP like a leper for a noncontagious medical condition that is completely out of OP's control." ~ franklinchica22
"Massively this. And if he disagrees at all about he and Sarah being ableist, ask him to explain why it's different, and what other medical conditions he thinks it's OK for Sarah to actively shun people for." ~ thegreatiaino
"It's ironic, really. Sarah 'hasn't stopped crying' because people ostracized her because of her disability (well, her apparently uncontrolled antisocial actions as symptoms of her disability although that's a stretch to excuse her being rude)."
"But Sarah can't realize that that is exactly what she is doing to others?" ~ 1angryravenclaw
"Sarah seems super selfish. Reading this post makes me so goddamn mad." ~ ex-spera
"It's really sh*tty that Mark is not doing anything about his girlfriend treating OP like some plague. What kind of friend is he?"
"And now he's throwing a fit because people are rightfully bothered by Sarah's behavior. They both shouldn't come then." ~ IceSeeker
"OP, Sarah is being a bully! Her behaviour is not ok and telling everyone your private medical info and using that to try and exclude/‘other’ you is bullying and certainly not a symptom of OCD. She is trying to use a diagnosis to justify her mean girl behaviour. You are NTA but she certainly is!" ~ We_Are_Not__Amused
"I have severe OCD. However, I am not an ahole. My problem is mine, and I work very hard to ensure that it doesn’t affect others.This is definitely an entitlement issue. She is drawing attention to herself by this childish behavior, and she is a straight-up bully. This person needs therapy. The boyfriend is trash. I hope your friend group shuns the both of them." ~ BlackLakeBlueFish
"I don't like people using any condition as an excuse for their poor behavior. Having OCD is not a shield that can be used to prevent anyone from ever saying anything about how you are acting." ~ snoodle908
"Exactly. I have OCD, and my behavior caused stress and hurt to those around me when I was younger. What did I do? I acknowledged that it was a ME problem, and took the steps needed to properly manage it." ~ lasignoraslover
OP added a response after receiving their feedback.
"I just wanted to thank everyone for the responses, especially the people who broke it down for me a lot. It helped me see that, although some things could have been handled differently, I wasn't overreacting."
"Our next hang out is in two weeks, we're all currently still blocked, but I'll make sure to post an update in this subReddit if anything else ever comes of it."
No further updates have been added.
If Sarah can't handle being around anyone with a medical condition without being rude, then not inviting her isn't unreasonable.
Requiring basic common decency from members of a group isn't being ableist. Since Sarah is currently incapable of being respectful of others, her exclusion isn't about her disability; it's about her behavior.
