It's always a big step, not to mention a big adjustment, when someone chooses to move in with their partner.
As people frequently find their compatibility put to the test, they quickly notice how differently they live their lives at home.
Then there's the issue of household expenses, an important but sensitive topic.
A topic many couples put off much too late.
The girlfriend of Redditor Major-Resource925 was ready to move in with him.
However, when the issue of household expenses came up, it soon became clear that the two of them didn't see eye to eye.
Eventually leading to the original poster (OP)'s girlfriend accusing him of not being gentlemanly.
Unsure of how to proceed, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for wanting my girlfriend to also contribute to housing costs if she moves in?"
The OP explained why they had sudden reservations about his girlfriend moving in with him:
"I am 22 and just finished college."
"I found my own place just recently (a one-bedroom apartment in a decent area of town)."
"It took me a while to find something affordable that I would like."
"I pay for it all on my own from working."
"I am very proud of this fact."
"I enjoy working and paying for my own stuff and it feels good."
"My girlfriend wants to move in with me."
"We have been together for two years now and are very close."
"She also just finished college at the same school and is working and right now staying with roommates.'
"I thought ok, but I thought and expected she will help with rent since she is also staying there."
"But she was taken aback and not expecting this saying, am I really going to charge my girlfriend rent, and that the rent would be the same whether she stays there with me or not, and I should be happy my girlfriend wants to move in with me."
"She said I should be a gentleman, but I am a gentleman, and I am also a fair person, and I felt it would only be fair for her to also contribute."
"I am starting to think, yeah, she genuinely wants to move in with me and be with me, but also a major reason is so she could live for free, or so she expected."
"I feel like she is saying I should be a gentleman as almost an excuse for her to live with me for free."
"I also am starting to question her values, work ethic, and character now."
"I talked to my parents, and they feel a bit uneasy about the situation now and don't want me to be taken advantage of."
"My mom said she has always contributed to costs and has been fair and does not believe anybody should use gender as an excuse for freeloading, for lack of a better term."
"My mom said she has heard of some women doing this back in the day."
"At the end of the day, my parents and I want to give her the benefit of the doubt as far as her intentions, but we are a bit uneasy."
"How would you feel about this?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP should seriously consider whether his girlfriend moving in with him was a good idea.
Just about everyone urged the OP to listen to his parents, agreeing that it seemed pretty clear that the OP's girlfriend was taking advantage of him, with some pointing out how her not paying rent could even result in legal troubles:
"You are NTA."
"Your GF is being manipulative."
"You would not be charging her rent; the two of you would be splitting the rent."
"Watch out that she doesn't stay over a few nights and then just starts moving her stuff in."
"You are being responsible and practical."
"For someone just starting out, that's really good."
"Stand firm!"- morethan-lessthan
"She's planning on quitting her job or cutting her hours, I'd put money on it."- Helvetica-Scenari0
"NTA."
"Your girlfriend is a loser though."- Ok-Eye1638
"So...she just wants free housing and food and basically everything?"
"Don't let her move in if you love and care for yourself."- Think_Storm_8909
"NTA."
"Listen to your mother."
"Your gf is absolutely trying to take advantage."
"She pays for her space with roommates, and this wouldn't be different."
"You're paying rent for YOUR place."
"If it's both of yours, then both of you pay."
"If you're supposed to be a gentleman, then she should be a lady and not abuse you financially."
"Reevaluate the relationship and have a serious discussion with her about values and how you see each other and your future."- StormFather15
"It's not charging your girlfriend rent if she moves in."
"In some cases, the building you live in could evict you if they find out she is living there, not on the lease, which YOUR name is on."
"It could f*ck you up in all kinds of ways to be with someone who has no plan on contributing whatsoever on the same level that you are, to not be homeless."
"I'd let her know before moving in that you're not charging her rent, the building is charging her HALF of what you've already been paying for."
"And if she's not willing to pay up, she can stay where she is with her roomies."- moonlvr69
"Uh def NOT TA."
"Your g/f is a leech."
"You are way too young to be supporting someone, & frankly, it actually costs money to support a full-grown adult, so YES SHE SHOULD PAY RENT."
'It's just practicality."- No_Tiger75
"NTA."
"She can't just be living off of you."- NightlySpiraling
"NTA."
"You shouldn't consider living with a partner until you've had frank conversations about their relationship with money, rent, bills, etc."
"There are several other things you should discuss, but this is the bare minimum because this will impact your finances more than any other decision you make."
"It sounds like she's expecting to be taken care of, which is ok if that's what you want to, but it sounds like that's not what you want out of a partnership."
"If you decide to live together, make sure you agree on rent, whether her name will be on the lease, what the plan for moving out is should you break up, basic house rules (like how often you want guests, who does what chores, etc) before she moves in, and write it out."
"But based on the little info provided - don't do it, dude."- pookiepantshernandez
"NTA, but she is."
"What a completely ridiculous assumption."
"But hey, that what dating is for, as far as I'm concerned."
"Going through different circumstances and challenges to see if you're compatible."
"If you were wildly wealthy and invited her to live there rent-free, that would be another matter."
"But you're not."
"Do not under any circumstances let her not contribute."
"I promise that if you do, you will end up paying far more than rent."
"Sit down and figure out an equitable amount for each of you to pay based on what you each make."
"Figure in any utilities or extras as well."- DeJoCa
"I'm sure moving in with you and splitting costs is still cheaper than her current situation."
"NTA."
"She should ask her roommates if she can just not pay any living costs."- Jillandjay
"Is your relationship supposed to have a partnership?"
"If so, then you both need to pull your weight and do your fair share, financially, physically, and emotionally."
"So that includes both contributing to bills, both doing a fair share of housework and life work, and both supporting each other, but also being allowed to put yourself first when needed."
"Your gf doesn't want a partnership; she wants to be a high-maintenance princess."
"You have had your warning."
'The fact that she, while working and earning, thinks this is in any way a reasonable and fair request should tell you about her values."- book_worm9191
"NTA."
"Right now she's asking for free housing."
"What else is she going to ask for next?"
"Not to help with chores?"
"To not work because you have it all covered?"
"I've seen situations like these irl, and they almost always continue escalating."- fangirl_queen_69
One-income households aren't exactly uncommon, nor is it uncommon for men of the house to "foot the bill," as it were.
That being said, it's certainly cause for concern when someone expects a free ride from their partner, as the OP's girlfriend seems to expect.
Making the concerns of the OP's parents all the more understandable, and leaving one to hope that the OP seriously considers how good an idea her moving in would be...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp