Learning that your parents are getting a divorce is very difficult news to take in.
While learning that your divorced parent is going to be remarried should be happy news, it is arguably equally difficult to process.
As a parent remarrying more or less solidifies that your parents' marriage didn't work, and there is no chance of a reconciliation.
Of course, how children respond to news of their parents' engagement ultimately depends on their relationship with their soon-to-be stepparent.
Redditor Famous-Jellyfish898 didn't have much of a problem with her divorced father's new girlfriend.
However, when the original poster (OP)'s father told her and her sister he intended to propose to her, she was anything but onboard with the idea.
And had no trouble honestly telling her father why.
Worried about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my dad I don't want him to marry his girlfriend?"
The OP shared the honest response she gave her father when he asked her how she would feel if he remarried:
"My parents (both 46) got divorced 6 years ago."
"My mom remarried 3 years ago, and my dad has had a few girlfriends."
"His current girlfriend is the only one he has ever brought around."
"My mom has met her and likes her, and my sister idolizes her."
"She's nice and I don't dislike her."
"The actual problem: she's 27, exactly 10 years older than me."
"To me, it's so weird.'
"I don't understand why my dad wants to date someone so much younger than him."
"When he asked my sister and I if we were okay with him asking her to marry him, my sister was excited."
"I wasn't."
"I told him I wasn't comfortable with the age gap and thought she was just a sugar baby."
"Dad explained she has her own career, but said okay."
"Since that conversation, my dad has been really sad, and the atmosphere in his house has changed."
"His girlfriend hasn't been by as frequently either."
"I feel kind of bad because I want my dad to be happy."
"Aita?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for telling her father she didn't want him to marry his girlfriend.
Some didn't think there were any A**holes in this particular situation, feeling the OP was asked a question which she gave an honest response to, but also believing her father had a right to be upset by her response.
"NAH."
"I think it's fine for you to be honest with your dad that his behavior and choices have damaged your opinion of him and made you uncomfortable."
"If he is genuinely damaging your view of him by being a dirty old man who goes for the the 20-years-younger girls, that is info he needs to know."
"I'm super curious what his answer would be if you asked how he'd react to you dating a 36 year old, since that's the same age gap."
"However, there are consequences, since everything has consequences."
"One of which is that his girlfriend is probably going to dump him (because if she wants marriage, they are no longer compatible) and for him to be sad about that."
"And that's perfectly fine."
"Hopefully he isn't too sad for too long and picks a more age-appropriate partner next time."
"Do be aware that this had/has the potential for a different sort of consequence: him deciding he'd rather have her than your approval."
"Be cautious in the future, because sometimes (most times) when people are asking for your 'blessing' they aren't really asking-- they've already decided what they want to do, so you have to decide if jamming a wrench in that is worth it."- Apart_Insect_8859
"NAH."
"I understand that this feels weird but… make peace with it."
"Unless you dislike her, you should not get involved."
"She is not your mum - she will be like a big sister."- ScaryButterscotch474
"NAH."
"It's fine to feel weird about it and it's also fine for your dad to be bummed out for a bit, it's good that you two were honest with each other."
"Your dad obviously really trusts you and respects your opinion!"
"It's also totally fine to be weirded out by the age gap too!"
"But it's probably also fine, if your dad and the girlfriend are truly a good match who love and support each other, for them to pick out the person THEY want to marry."
"Ultimately, it's their choice because it's their life."
"The only bit that was on the AH side of things is accusing girlfriend of being a sugar baby/gold digger without FIRST learning what she does for a living."
"If this chick has a career and can support herself, then that's a rude thing to say about the person your dad wants to marry."- ChickenCasagrande
Others had a harder time sympathizing with the OP, feeling her labeling her father's girlfriend as a "sugar baby" was unfair and inaccurate, and she wasn't making an effort to get to know her:
"'My mom has met her and likes her, and my sister idolizes her. She's nice and I don't dislike her'."
"People's reaction to her as a person, including your own."
"'The actual problem: she's 27, exactly 10 years older than me. To me, it's so weird'."
"Your reaction to one idea."
"'I told him I wasn't comfortable with the age gap and thought she was just a sugar baby'."
"Not being comfortable with the age gap is one thing, but is the 'sugar baby' accusation based on anything but the age gap?"
"If not, then you are not being fair to either of them with that accusation -- it's as if you can't imagine her being with him unless she were benefiting from it financially."
"That may not be the case at all."
"If your mother and sister -- and even you -- like her as a person (the living human being as opposed to the idea), you may want to step back and really think whether you are being fair."
"Are you allowing one fact -- her age -- to cloud your judgment about her as a person and about their relationship?"
"Do you really think she is just after his money and that the only thing he wants from her is her physical youth and beauty?"
"I think what is fair will come from that."
"If you honestly think yes, then your attitude is understandable."
"If you think no, then you are not being fair and are allowing one undesirable fact to cloud and overshadow everything else."
"Let me put it this way -- if nothing else changed but you knew her age was acceptably (according to your feelings) closer to his, would you object to her or their relationship?"
"Unless more information comes in, I will say YTA because she is a full adult at 27 and you have not said anything to indicate that she is actually a sugar baby other than the age gap itself."
"The gap may be something that you would prefer doesn't exist, but this doesn't seem to really be about her as a person at all."- kurokomainu
"YTA.'
'For calling her a sugar baby if she's not."
"Frankly, her age shouldn't be your problem."
"She's been an adult for nearly a decade."- No-Stage-8738
"YTA."
"It's one thing to not be a fan of the ages."
"It's another to effectively call her a sex worker."
"Offensive to both her and and your father."- v_a_n_d_e_l_a_y
Then there were those who felt that the OP did nothing wrong, as she merely gave her honest response to her father's question:
"NTA."
"He asked your opinion and that's it."
"It sucks it wasn't what he was expecting."- Adventurous_Couple76
"He ASKED her opinion."
"She gave it."
"She's been staying out of it but she is just as entitled to her opinion as anyone else and if he doesn't want to hear it, then he shouldn't ask."
"She's 17, as a mom of teens and someone who has been driving school buses full of teens for well over a decade, teens aren't exactly Captain Stoic, he knew good and well something was wrong."
"He should have asked earlier if he was worried about it or waited another year or two until she was legally an adult so she doesn't have to live in it."
"Once she moves out it's a lot easier to ignore, but having an opinion doesn't make her selfish… it makes her human."
"NTA."- Sweet_Vanilla46
The OP later returned with an update:
"This blew up bigger than I expected it to and found it's way to my dad."
"Now he wants to have a talk this weekend."
It's always difficult to for children of divorce to see their parents remarry.
Especially when their parent's new spouse is closer to their age than their parents'.
Even so, strange as this experience might be for the OP, it doesn't seem she's making quite enough of an effort to get to know her father's new girlfriend.
Perhaps after the OP and her father have their talk, she might become a little more open-minded about his relationship.
And possibly even get excited about the wedding...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp