We’ve all been told since we were young the importance of keeping the promises that we make, especially to those that we love.
But if the conditions under which we made the promise dramatically change, that generally reveals us of that obligation, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Accomplished-Pair656 made a promise to her brother and his husband, who was also her close friend, years before that she would donate one of her eggs to them, so they could start a biological family.
But when her brother cheated on her close friend and still expected her to donate, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t comfortable enough with his new partner to keep her original promise.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to be an egg donor for my brother even though I promised years ago?”
The OP made an important promise to her brother and her close friend.
“My brother Jeff (35 Male) and I (32 Female) have had a great relationship our whole lives. My brother is gay and was married to my dear friend, Martin (34 Male), but they divorced three years ago.”
“Jeff and Martin had known each other since kindergarten, they became best friends, went together to law school, dated for around 15 years, and got married.”
“Their dream was to become parents, but both wanted to be biologically related to the child, so they asked me to give them my egg, and I agreed since I love both of them and wanted them happy.”
“That was it. I never got tested or anything because they didn’t want the child right away but to make sure they had the donor and would just focus on finding the right surrogate.”
But things changed with Jeff and Martin’s last wedding anniversary.
“For their wedding anniversary, Martin thought it was a great idea to renovate a beach house my parents had abandoned.”
“Jeff thought it was a waste of time and money but went along with it and they contacted Ian (34 Male), an architect and contractor (who I recommended because he had done some work for my mother-in-law).”
“Some months into the project, the man who thought the project was a waste of time was so into architecture and the project itself dumped Martin and got together with Ian, before the project could be done.”
“My brother and Martin’s divorce was so fast since Martin was devastated and didn’t fight much.”
“Three months after the divorce was finalized, Jeff and Ian got married (yes, just three months).”
“My family acted as if nothing happened and welcomed the home-wrecker with open arms (my brother can do no wrong in our mom’s eyes).”
“It’s been three years, and Martin is still devastated and has many issues. Jeff and Ian act like they hurt no one, they’ve even started investing in real estate.”
The OP didn’t feel comfortable keeping the promise she made to Jeff and Martin.
“I love my brother, but I try to keep my distance and I’ve only exchanged like two words with Ian in these three years (three words at most), because I love Martin and he is my friend.”
“My brother approached me a couple of weeks ago, telling me that he and his hubby were ready to start a family and wanted me to get tested.”
“I said my promise was no longer valid since he decided to cheat, and I didn’t feel comfortable giving my egg to him and a stranger. I said this had turned into a more personal matter, something that has to do with my morals.”
“He said it was not fair and that this meant so much to him.”
“He also tried to tell me I can’t break a promise I made.”
“My family, even my husband, is telling me that I made a promise and this is important for them, but I don’t know. I don’t want to do this to Martin, I mean, this was supposed to be his child.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the arrangements had changed, making the promise null and void anyway.
“She promised her brother and her best friend an egg, not her brother and some home-wrecking rando. He’s basically asking you to make a child with a virtual stranger.”
“And if wedding vows are not promises to be kept, this certainly isn’t.” – ScrapQueen
“NTA. It’s not the same situation anymore. Her egg would now be used with a stranger to create a human being, not a loved one. Her say, no one else’s.” – keekeeVogel
“The OP promised it on the basis that Martin would become the dad, not Ian. A dear friend vs. a cheater she barely knows and does not want to know.”
“Plus, it is a valid reason to say you are not morally comfortable with the changed circumstances (incl. people). When things change, it is natural that your thoughts (and willingness) adjust accordingly.”
“Also, it is her body. No one is owed a piece of it.” – weatttt
“In your mind, your promise was to them (Jeff and Martin), not to him (just Jeff). If it’s okay for Jeff to break ‘until death do us part,’ it’s okay for you to keep your eggs.”
“NTA, OP.” – Fance_Upstairs5898
“Who really cares about a ‘broken promise’ anyway? They’re grown-a** adults. If you say you’ll do something and the situation changes to make you uncomfortable, you don’t have to do it. This isn’t a childish pinky swear.”
“Follow your own moral compass. Pressuring by different parties is just manipulation.” – AutisticImagery
“NTA. You made a promise to him and MARTIN, not him and IAN.”
“Promise is now void upon your brother not being able to keep his d**k in his pants.”
“If the family is so supportive, one of them can get tested instead.”
“You could also say you got tested and have your doctor tell them you are unable (tell the doctor you are being pressured and do not want to do so).” – Status-Pattern7539
Others felt egg donation was too invasive of a process for the OP to not trust both fathers.
“The human being created would be her offspring, whether she raises it or not.”
“I’ll be d**ned if I was going to mix genetics with some home wrecker, who destroyed years of my best friend’s life, when my promise was to make that baby with my best friend.” – pimpletwist
“Donating eggs is a very invasive procedure and takes weeks of daily injections. Also, she pretty much has to give up her own sex life or risk getting pregnant. Big no for any reason.” – Mhplumb
“Weeks of daily injections after fights to even get meds approved through insurance and even then you might not have any viable embryos and have to go through it again. Many cycles where you have to be completely compliant for questionable outcomes.”
“You have the right to change your mind and for things less invasive than being a donor.” – Marshmalowgrrl
“I doubt any of them know what OP has to go through to donate an egg. It is emotionally and physically draining just as if this were for IVF. They are asking her to give freely what some companies will pay $8000 per egg, and those companies cover the medical expenses of the egg sponsor.”
“It’s easy for the family to shame OP when they can’t offer themselves up. Grandma needs to get her doctor to get her ovaries in order if she wants a blood-related… grandchild… SMH (shaking my head).” – GolfSignal9401
“I worked with a young woman who became an egg donor almost 20 years ago, and she was paid $10,000. Although it was discussed, she was not prepared for the physical ramifications.”
“She was given drugs to stimulate follicle activity and experienced a lot of discomfort for over a month, kind of like exaggerated PMS. Pregnancy (actually multiple pregnancies) are a risk because of the stimulation. There are still uncertainties about the long-term effects of the process on the woman’s health. Then there is the emotional aspect.”
“I can see wanting to help two people you care about, but there are bad feelings involved here. This is not what OP originally promised and not something to be taken lightly.” – alwayssoupy
“NTA. Let them find another sympathetic female relative willing to donate an egg, and don’t skip out the bit of how the couple met…”
“I know many families are dysfunctional, but I’m not sure I know any that would try to coerce someone into donating an egg. If they want to have a child, they can look elsewhere.” – Certain_Silver6524
The subReddit was left shaking their heads not only over the OP’s brother’s demands for her to keep her promise after he didn’t keep his but also how even her own husband was standing against her to keep her promise.
This is one of those situations where the promise is big enough, with complicated enough physical ramifications, that it makes total sense that the promise would dissolve when the situation changed.
No more marriage? No more egg.