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Woman Bans Racist MIL From House For Bringing Husband’s Ex To Birthday Party Without Asking

A young woman angrily screaming.
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If anyone were asked what possible downsides there are to getting married, one of the first things that will likely come to everyone’s mind is in-laws.

Indeed, while some people are lucky, and get along as well or better with their in-laws as they do with their own family, others find themselves marrying their spouses in spite of their soon-to-be in-laws.

Most people do their best to remain cordial and make an effort to be pleasant with them, others have trouble hiding their utter disdain for their spouse’s family.

Redditor HedgehogMen never fully won the approval of her husband’s mother.

However, things truly came to a head between the original poster (OP) and her mother-in-law (MIL) after the latter’s birthday party when she brought a less-than-welcome guest into the OP’s home.

So furious was the OP by her MIL’s actions that she went so far as to tell her husband that her MIL was no longer welcome in their home.

After being accused by her husband of overreacting, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:

“AITA for telling my husband that his mom is no longer welcome in our home?”

The OP explained why her MIL was no longer welcome in her and her husband’s home:

“My (30 F[emale]) husband (31 M[ale]) dated Kathy (30 F) for three years while at university.”

“They were planning to get married when Kathy fell pregnant, but she confessed the child may be another man’s.”

“They broke up, but a DNA test proved my husband was the father.”

“As such, my husband agreed to co-parent but refused to rekindle the relationship.”

“Very sadly, the baby was born with a heart defect and passed away at four months old.”

“Both Kathy and my husband were destroyed, and Kathy ended up moving away.”

“My husband went on to meet me, and we were married two years ago.”

“My MIL (60 F[emale]) has always carried a torch for Kathy and thought that they should get back together when the child proved to be my husband’s.”

“Then the next reason became so that Kathy and my husband could help each other in their grief.”

“Unfortunately between her love of Kathy and me being a different race, MIL has made no secret of not liking me.”

“To the extent where she has excluded me from family photos because I am not family.”

“My husband has always stood up for me in these scenarios.”

“My MIL’s birthday was last weekend, and my husband wanted to throw a celebration at our house.”

“We went the whole nine yards with a cake and decorations.”

“My husband also asked for my help picking out a very expensive handbag as a gift.”

“I love my husband and I know he loves his mom, so I am happy to help him do something nice for her.”

“My MIL showed up on the day with Kathy in tow, which was a surprise for everyone.”

“She said that she had run into Kathy at the store, as Kathy has recently moved back, and MIL wanted to re-intergrate the mother of her grandchild back into the family (never mind the fact that the baby passed away around six years ago now).”

“I was really upset, but this was only exacerbated by my MIL constantly trying to throw my husband and Kathy together.”

“‘Kathy, why don’t you sit next to him?'”

“‘Kathy, why don’t you go help him with the BBQ?'”

“‘Kathy, would you mind asking him where x is?'”

“I spent the whole day biting my tongue, but it was too much when everyone left, and my MIL asked Kathy to give my husband a hug.”

“My husband initially refused, but after some pushing from MIL, he relented and hugged Kathy.”

“As soon as they left, I asked my husband what he was thinking?!”

“He said he didn’t want to upset my MIL on her birthday, but I asked why did he want to upset me?”

“He said he didn’t; he just thought it would be easier to handle with me later.”

“I was furious and said that I expected either MIL to apologize or that she would no longer be welcome in our home.”

“My husband said that I am going too far, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.”

“Was I the AH?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her husband that her MIL was no longer welcome in their home.

Everyone agreed that not only was the behavior of the OP’s MIL beyond the pale but many were equally disturbed by the lack of support shown by the OP’s husband, with some even urging the OP to question if she should even stay in this marriage.


“Your MIL is unfortunately determined to destroy your marriage, and either your husband recognizes this now, or she will eventually succeed.”

“If your husband cannot learn to set boundaries, then I suggest marriage counseling.”

“Also, I’d have done a great deal more than banning someone from my house who acted this way – you definitely did not go ‘too far’.”- savinathewhite


“MIL has no business being around you or your house.”

“What concerns me more is that your hubby didn’t stand up for his mom’s blatant disrespect of YOU in your own home.”

“MIL and Kathy shouldn’t have come through the front door in the first place.”- kuken_i_fittan


“‘Easier to handle with me later'” is code for ‘I’d rather hurt you because it’s easier to make you forgive me than deal with the cause of the issue’.”

“He allowed his mother to force physical intimacy because he didn’t want to upset her on her birthday when she brought the ex who cheated on him to your home and tried to make them flirt.”

“She deserved to have her birthday ruined.”

“My guess is that Kathy probably had very little idea of the pit she walked into.”

“Whether she’s been in constant contact with your MIL (and therefore very misinformed) or did just run into her and had no idea of any of the relationships going on.”

“It’s up to you and your husband to make a decision about what to do about her in the future.”

“But make your husband deal with his mother.”

“Make it clear that the standard he ignores is that standard he accepts, and even though he normally stands up for you, it’s time that he stopped the disrespect entirely.”

“Standing up to her hasn’t done anything, she’s racist and she’s escalating her provocative behavior.”

“If that means removing his mother from his wife’s life?”

“So be it.”- Natural_Garbage7674


“Mariage can sometimes be hard enough, the last thing one needs is to let unchecked someone who’s only goal is to destroy it.”

“Your MIL wants your relationship to explode and your husband now has to pick a side and firmly state it.”- Agent10007


“And now that Kathy moved back, she’s just going to step this up.”

“What was Kathy doing this whole time?”

“I would have been MORTIFIED if someone tried to throw me at a married man (or anyone, really) in such an obvious and embarrassing fashion.”- eightmarshmallows


“But I don’t think your husband has your back the way you think he does.”

“He knows his mom excludes you, but wants you to throw a party for her.”

“He knows she’s racist, but wants you to shop for a gift for her.”

“He knows she wants him to be with his cheating ex, but wants you to welcome her into your home, even when she has the audacity to bring said cheating ex with her.”

“And knowing all that, he wants to continue inviting her over to your home.”

“He’s also completely dismissive of your (understandable) hurt.”

“Sure, he calls her out for excluding you from photos, but still expects you to smile through her blatant disrespect in your home.”

“It’s giving ‘Get Out’ vibes.”

“The ban needs to stay in place, regardless of whether or not your MIL apologizes.”

“How much would an apology from her be worth, anyway?”

“She point-blank said she wants to re-integrate Kathy into the family.”

“Interesting that Kathy can easily slide into the status of ‘family’, but you’re excluded from photos because you’re not.”

“Anyway, as these things usually go, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.”

“She’s his mother and therefore his problem.”- MonOubliette


“MIL is trying to push them back together AND she is trying to create conflict between the two of you.”

“She does not deserve to come to your home, but by you being the one to put a ban in place allows her to paint herself as a victim and can potentially create resentment from your husband.”

“Your husband needs to be the one to address her inappropriate behavior and potentially speak to Kathy so there are very clear boundaries that he is married and not interested.”

“You are not being unreasonable, but this old woman is going to be crafty.”- MaudeBaggins

It’s perplexing to even begin to imagine what the motives of the OP’s MIL were in bringing Kathy to her birthday party.

Though it seems fairly certain that they were anything but kind.

Hopefully, the OP’s husband will come to acknowledge this, otherwise, he and the OP very well might not be married for much longer.

Written by John Curtis

A novelist, picture book writer and native New Yorker, John is a graduate of Syracuse University and the children's media graduate program at Centennial College. When not staring at his computer monitor, you'll most likely find John sipping tea watching British comedies, or in the kitchen, taking a stab at the technical challenge on the most recent episode of 'The Great British Baking Show'.