Having special friendships that span over decades is a priceless gift.
So much time is spent laughing and loving and planning.
Life events are usually discussed frequently.
Weddings and who will be in them are usually decided long before partners are found.
So when those plans change with no notice, that can be hurtful.
Redditor Anon_e_mus22 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for potentially not going to my ‘Best Friend’s’ (of 22 years) wedding because she didn’t include me in the bridal party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Background: We (both F[emale] 35) have been best friends for over 20 years since school.”
“We shared all the big milestones life has to offer; we regarded each other as family, or so I thought.”
“After school, I moved abroad for University where I met my husband, a fellow international.”
“He is from a different race/cultural background and we decided we would have a wedding in his home country.”
“Wedding parties aren’t in his culture but I invited my B[oy]F[riend] and asked her to do the one speech at the afterparty we planned.”
“I also included her in cultural family-only events as I regarded her as my family.”
“She was super touched and told me she was honored to speak and attend all the events.”
“But before my wedding whenever we were discussing plans she constantly brought the topic back to her own upcoming wedding (this summer).”
“She talked at length, going into detail with anyone who would listen.”
“So much so that guests who she didn’t know have since inquired about it to me because she literally spoke about nothing else.”
“I put it down to the mental load that weddings take on upcoming brides and ignored it.”
“She even showed my in-laws at the family meal before and when I showed her my rings she asked to try them on and spoke about what she wanted.”
“I was uncomfortable with this as were my in-laws/mum.”
“On the ride back to the hotel, she again showed us the dress she got.”
“I swiped through the pictures and saw two girls I didn’t recognize holding a ‘we found the dress’ sign with her.”
“I, a little stunned asked if they were her bridesmaids to which she coyly replied ‘yes’ not elaborating further.”
“The wedding was the next day and it was wonderful.”
“She wore a silver dress and white jacket which seemed odd as it’s known you shouldn’t wear white.”
“She took the spotlight in a part of the wedding where the next bride to be is chosen to catch the bouquet and gave her speech with glowing remarks about how close we are, how much she loved me, and how I was always the friend that offered her a safe space, etc.”
“Cut to… Her wedding is currently three months away and she still has not sent any official invitations to any guests (I know from mutual guests).”
“We know the location and the day but not even the timings; it’s in our country of origin. So three months ago, I said I had booked our flights, and she was elated.”
“She thanked me profusely for coming and said how happy she was we could make it.”
“I waited for more details, but she always replied to my messages late (like 2-3 weeks late).”
“Whilst growing up she had always said if she didn’t have her sisters I would be a bridesmaid.”
“After dodging my messages asking for more information on the bridal party, she reluctantly let me know she has seven bridesmaids, none of whom are her sisters.”
“She hasn’t explained why I’m not included and is not responding to my messages when I told her how surprised and hurt I was.”
“Now I don’t want to go and would rather spend the time and money taking my husband on a great vacation/we haven’t had a honeymoon.”
“I feel my heart is breaking.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – you cannot go for any reason you want.”
“Doesn’t sound like she’s much of a best friend anymore anyway.” ~ jrm1102
“If she is not responding to your messages, go on your trip guilt-free.”
“Friends grow apart.”
“Sometimes, it’s gradual, and sometimes, it’s a sudden jolt.”
“She has her reasons for excluding you.”
“A real friend would, at the very least, share them when asked.”
“But if it’s that uncomfortable for her, chances are the friendship isn’t as important to her as it once was.”
“Or she’s dealing with something far bigger than your hurt.”
“If she doesn’t talk to you, you can’t know what that is.”
“In all fairness, she doesn’t owe you a spot in the bridal party.”
“It would have been a courtesy, but not a requirement.”
“Look at the bright side – you don’t have to be in the bridal party with all that entails.”
“Send a nice gift and card if you feel so inclined.”
“Go on your honeymoon, and let the chips fall where they may.” ~ Cosmicdusterian
“NTA. I know if my best friend of over 20 years didn’t include me in her wedding party, I’d be pretty damned hurt and it would make me rethink our friendship.”
“You have every right to reach out and say that after all, you two have been through.”
“How she’d always said she’d want you as a bridesmaid if she didn’t have sisters, you’re pretty hurt that you haven’t been included and you’re curious as to why.”
“I hope you’d wait for her to explain, as perhaps she has a ‘good’ reason — it sounds like her actual sisters aren’t a part of her bridal party.”
“So maybe she didn’t think she should have her best friend’s soul sister either in an attempt to assuage all sister feelings (no sisters / sister-like friendship)?”
“Or perhaps because you’re far away, and she wants local bridesmaids to be at her beck and call for local needs like shopping and whatnot.”
“Just a thought or two.”
“Either way, if either of those is her reason, or if she gives a different one and it doesn’t make you feel any comfort at what you thought was your standing in her life.”
“Then do what you have to do and have a wonderful honeymoon with your hubby.” ~ fallingintopolkadots
“I… hmm. I’m going to go with NTA.”
“You’re certainly valid to feel hurt and left out and confused.”
“She also might not be either, though?”
“Like sure she sounds like she’s been acting really weird, and seemingly trying to take the spotlight from you on YOUR special day seems… gross.”
“But I can’t wrap my head around her behavior.”
“She clearly cares about you a great deal.”
“She flew internationally to be at your wedding (which is a lot of stress, time, and money) and she seems like she was genuinely excited you’ll be at hers.”
“That said, there’s clearly something less savory going on too, but I can’t understand what it may be exactly.” ~ socuteboss_ali
“NTA and don’t go.”
“I know it hurts from experience.”
“It sucks when you realize that you are only one of many best friends on someone else’s list when they are your number one.”
“I recently went through the same thing with my best friend of 20 years and now we no longer speak but I am so much happier.” ~ sawes1517
“You said yourself that you went to university in another country.”
“Her life didn’t stop when you moved away.”
“She likely made a lot of friends in college or on the social scene as a young adult.”
“Children talking about their weddings is just that.”
“Most of us don’t even know our childhood friends anymore because our lives move in different directions.”
“Assuming you’re in the wedding party based on a conversation from childhood is a big assumption.”
“I’m sure she still loves you and wants you there.”
“She and her fiance probably have a whole group of friends they met together.”
“From the sounds of it, you didn’t have a wedding party for her to be a part of.”
“Inviting her to family celebrations and asking her to give a speech is not the same thing, and she might have been in other weddings for these women.”
“The fact that you don’t want to go to her wedding because you don’t get to be a bridesmaid tells me that you’re not that close.”
“A real friend just wants to be there for their friend, they don’t need special recognition.” ~ AngelaMoore44
“NTA. If she was a true friend, she would explain right away why you are not going to be a bridesmaid.”
“I was a bridesmaid for a friend who lived in Houston while I was in Seattle.”
“I couldn’t make it to all of the major events, but I did make it to the bachelorette game night, rehearsal dinner, and wedding.”
“It can be done.”
“I don’t like how your friend is treating you right now.” ~ jd_5344
“That’s not a friend, enjoy your vacation.” ~ Jcbeast1982
A few people had a different response.
“ESH – Why are so many of these threads about weddings?”
“I’m going to get married in a goddamned McDonald’s parking lot at this rate, and anyone who can sneak in a 40oz in a paper bag is invited.”
“You’re both the a-hole because it’s literally one goddamned day in your entire lives.”
“And you’re ruining weeks and months of time, effort, and money over it.”
“For no reason other than hype. Step back. Take a breath.”
“And make a call. Go, or don’t.” ~ Ash_an_bun
“ESH. Do you two even like each other?”
“If you hadn’t included your age, I would have thought you were in your early 20s, because that’s what this behavior sounds like.”
“She shouldn’t have made your wedding about her, and you shouldn’t make hers about you.”
“There may be logistical reasons why she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid, as you live in different countries.”
“And quite frankly, being a bridesmaid is a drag.”
“I would much rather be a guest and have my time be my time.” ~ IHaveSomeOpinions09
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Well… most of them.
It is true, that sometimes friends grow apart over time.
Your feelings are valid though. When lifelong expectations are dashed, that can hurt.
You may have to put yourself first… It sounds like she is.