Future brides and grooms alike choose all kinds of ways to commemorate their "last fling before the ring."
From casino trips to camping under the stars, spa days to pub crawls, strip clubs and fancy dinners, the options to celebrate upcoming nuptials are seemingly endless.
That doesn't mean, however, that there are no boundaries or limits.
An exotic dancer on Reddit is not willing to strip for her longtime boyfriend's brother for his bachelor party, and it's causing a bit of friction, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Express-Champion-822 asked:
"AITA for refusing to dance at the Stag Night for my Boyfriends brother?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (25/F[emale]) am a stripper and it's a job I am not ashamed of and enjoy a lot, plus it makes great money."
"My Boyfriend (27/M[ale]) of four years asked me tonight if I'd dance for his brother's Stag Night this Saturday. It's what a Batchelor Party is called in my country, and the female version is called a Hen Night."
"The dancer they originally had booked that I helped arrange had to cancel as she broke her ankle during a performance."
"I've tried to find them another Dancer calling in favors from my friends in the industry, but weekends are always busy, and it's too short notice, so everyone is booked solid."
"I offered to get them into the club I work for and would even be able to arrange for VIP treatment of the party but this offer was rejected as the club is too far away from other activities they have planned for the evening."
"In the end my Boyfriend suggested I dance, he has no problem with my job and didn't feel like me dancing for the group would be a problem."
But OP was not comfortable with this suggestion.
"Now, if it were my boyfriend's friends, I'd be open to it after we discussed it to make sure we were both fully okay with this, but the fact that it's for his brother raises concerns for me and feels just too awkward."
"My Boyfriend refuses to see the issue stating we're all adults and his brother was looking forward to there being a stripper at the party, but it's just weird to think if we work out then for the rest of my life i'll have to know his brother saw me dance and at every family event I attend it'll just be on my mind."
"I've told my Boyfriend it isn't happening, and the best I can offer is the club, and if they need a stripper that badly, then they'll take it."
"He thinks I'm being ridiculous and that someone in my job shouldn't be bothered by this, and if they can be mature about it, so should I."
"Was my kneejerk reaction to refuse too harsh?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"I think the question we need to ask here is, 'why does he WANT you to dance for his brother so badly that he is giving you sh*t about being uncomfortable with it?'"
"Because it's one thing to be secure enough that it wouldn't bother him if you did dance for his friends and family."
"But it's a whole other thing to expect it of you and to claim you're the one with the problem if you aren't comfortable with it."
"NTA. If you're not comfortable with it, that's the end of it." - Fluffy_Sheepy
"NTA - It's his brother. You're going to see him at family functions, so you are right to be concerned."
"Just as importantly, I cannot image how OP's brother's wife-to-be will feel if you were the stripper at his party, especially if you're going to be at the wedding and see her at future family functions."
"Part of the point of hiring a stripper for Bachelor/Stag Parties is that the dancer is a stranger who you are probably not going to encounter again; it's why most people can live with that tradition."
"I don't exactly blame him for asking since he was trying to salvage a situation but it feels like the right answer after you said no was: Yeah, you're right, I should have thought of that." - okIhaveANopinionHERE
"NTA. As a stripper you are a professional and don't sexualise the people you perform for, the inverse is not true."
"And that is as you said, your boyfriend's brother." - ImpossibleRing9478
"I've already voted in your favor in response to someone else, so just want to say directly to you that bf doesn't seem to have much respect for your profession or much care for you."
"He also doesn't respect a woman's right to say no, apparently."
"What kind of man tells his gf to get naked in front of a group of men after she has stated clearly that she doesn't want to get naked in front of those men?"
"What kind of man puts a bunch of other men's wishes for entertainment on one specific night that they can get in a club anytime above the comfort of his partner?"
"What kind of men can't have a good party without a stripper?"
"Are those people you want in your life? "
"Honey, find yourself a bf who respects you and cares about how you feel and has kindness for you. This one is not worthy of you."
"NTA!" - cadaloz1
"I mean, if doctors can't treat family members, I think it makes sense that strippers can't strip for family members."
"NTA" - CheerilyTerrified
"NTA. Had a friend in the reserves who was a stripper."
"No one in the regiment ever went to the club she worked at."
"Family doesn't ogle family." - MarmosetRevolution
"NTA. It's a reasonable boundary, and your boyfriend is not in the position to tell you what someone in your job should or shouldn't be bothered by."
"He is just trying to manipulate you into it, which is not cool."
"Does the brother even know your bf is trying to get you to be the stripper at the party?"
"because if he doesn't, he might be just as uncomfortable with it" - Stranger0nReddit
"NTA There are so many things happening here!"
"You may want to reconsider your relationship with bf."
"Apparently you are the 'stripper' before you are the 'girlfriend.'"
"Tell him you're going to do it, then hire a large man to strip for him."
"I think that will set him straight…. or not!" - Elizaknowitall
"NTA- you have a right to say what you feel comfortable doing."
"He should respect that, and getting upset because you have boundaries is a d*ck move." - MistressKinx
"NTA. This is so weird."
"Stripping for his brother's bachelor party, as we call it here."
"That's awkward, and he should be okay with you not being comfortable and drop it." - Chemical-Froyo-6286
"NTA, that's weird."
"If y'all get married (pls no), they will be your family."
"Your boyfriend should respect you" - TheLittleRatty
"NTA. You are right to reject this gig."
"You also maybe should do some digging."
"The way your STBX is pushing so hard gives me the sense that he may have promised his brother more than a dance."
"To me, this is a relationship breaker."
"He is showing how little respect he has for you." - UpDoc69
"NTA. You're an adult who has certain boundaries."
"If your boyfriend cannot understand that, then that's a him problem." - Hungry-Book
"NTA, It already feels weird."
"It'll just get weirder" - joe-lefty500
"NTA. Your boyfriend is treating you like an object or a resource instead of a person."
"He is refusing to take your 'no' as an answer and trying to pressure you into doing something you don't consent to."
"How long have you been together? What other things/concerns of yours does he dismiss or minimize?"
"Can you imagine how the SIL and MIL would react if they knew you were stripping for your brother and his friends? Can you imagine?!"
"Does the brother even know he asked you?"
"Your bf has very poor judgment, and it doesn't sound like he values you very much."
"I would be reconsidering this relationship."
"I question how invested he is in your relationship." - Evening-Anteater-422
"You're NTA. You don't need to give any reasons."
"You have the right to refuse service to anyone." - Dittoheadforever
"You're allowed to refuse service for any reason. If it makes sh*t weird for you, then you have every right to refuse."
"I hope the situation is legit and as you tell it, because I was honestly expecting a weird 'My brother wants you' scenario."
"NTA." - mrmidas2k
"Your bf insisting that you dance for his brother as a stripper actually means he doesn't respect you."
"He is 'sharing the goods.'"
"I honestly believe you are setting yourself up for misery being with a guy who wants you to share you with his brother, who you will see at family events."
"Where, if you marry, this will be told to everyone's kids as long as you both shall live."
"Don't do it and dump him. NTA" - IllTemperedOldWoman
It definitely seems like OP has a lot to consider... and not just about dancing for her boyfriend's brother.
Hopefully, her boyfriend can come to respect her boundaries, but if not, there is another conversation coming.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp