It’s important to many people to have a baby, to the point that it’s overwhelming for them when they struggle to conceive.
But that doesn’t mean they should ridicule someone else for not having children, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
Redditor hiddinguser was shocked when an old friend not only demanded that she donate her eggs to her but criticized her for being childfree.
Surprised by her friend’s reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure how to respond.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not giving my friend struggling with infertility my eggs?”
The OP’s friend made a delicate request.
“For context, I (27 [Female]) have a long-term friend (31 [Female]) who is struggling with infertility, so much so that she and her partner are looking for an egg donor.”
“She is aware of the fact I plan to never have kids and so asked if I’d donate my eggs to her instead of her getting eggs from someone she doesn’t know.”
The OP wasn’t comfortable with the possibilities, however.
“The thing is, I plan to never have kids because of my health. I’d love kids personally but I know it’d be unfair to have a child when I won’t be able to care for it properly.”
“There is also the fact that there is a chance a child could inherit my health issues, so even if it was simply the fact I didn’t want kids, I’d still be uncomfortable with giving them to her…”
The OP’s friend criticized her for her concerns.
“She is upset that I will not consider her request and has stated that I know how much she wants a child and how my eggs are not being used.”
“She also said that, unlike me, she could care for the child and that she doesn’t care if it inherits health problems, as she’d care for it regardless.”
“She even threw out that maybe I just want her to be childless like me so she can be miserable too.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was NTA and needed firm boundaries with her friend.
“Egg donation involves invasive medical procedures that you are NOT obligated to go through just because she’s your friend and you’re never going to ‘use’ your eggs yourself.”
“You need to establish boundaries with your friend and firmly shut her down each time she brings this up.”
“Infertility sucks, but you do not owe her this and she’s being beyond unreasonable by making you feel guilty about your decision. If she continues to disrespect you, then I think you need to protect yourself by giving this friendship some space.” – ImStealingTheTowels
“NTA: If you’re comfortable donating them, great. If not, that’s OK too. You don’t owe your unused eggs to anyone, for any reason.”
“I have to assume that since your decision to not have any kids yourself is based on your health, your issues must be serious enough to warrant concern about the possibility of passing that condition on.”
“But as I said, you don’t need a reason. No is a complete answer.” – alskellington
“NTA. She should have known before asking that REGARDLESS of what your intentions are for the future, it’s fully within your right to say no. You don’t even need to have a reason or to explain your thought process.”
“Additionally, ‘You’re not going to use these, why can’t I?’ is a pretty f**ked up argument from her for why you should. Your friend is being wildly disrespectful – she doesn’t get to make decisions for your body just because she is having a hard time.” – finehamsabound
Others were concerned that the friend “didn’t care” about health problems.
“NTA, you shouldn’t be guilted into giving anyone your eggs, especially when you’re concerned about the health of the potential babies.”
“I have a genetic disorder and I wouldn’t give my eggs to anyone else and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to accept eggs that are likely to have genetic disorders.” – JOSOIC
“NTA, you have a perfectly good reason not to give her your eggs and you are giving proper thought into the implications should you have a child.”
“She is understandably desperate and upset, but this is affecting her judgment as well as making her quick to put the blame on you. You are not to blame and haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Besides, you aren’t the only person in the world she can get eggs from. Why does it even matter if the egg is from someone she knows?”
“She’s being irresponsible when she says she doesn’t care about health problems in the baby and it would be far better for the kid if she did go and find a donor whose eggs aren’t likely to pass on health problems.”
“Here’s something to think about: with having the baby being so difficult, should she really want to risk things going wrong due to health issues? She wants this baby so bad and is willing to do anything but doesn’t want to make sure that the baby will be as healthy as possible to minimize any risk of things going wrong?”
“Even a healthy child could be lost at any point during development before birth and sometimes even after birth, any health condition inherited only increases the odds of something going wrong.”
“Perhaps it might be good to talk to her about this as it might be something she hasn’t taken into account. She should be maximizing her odds of success and not taking risks like that.” – W0rmh0leXtreme
“The fact that she cares more about being a mother than protecting a child from health issues is selfish alone, but then the way she talked to you!”
“I wouldn’t want any kid growing up with such a manipulative, cruel mother. I get that she’s upset and emotional because what she’s going through is hard… but being a parent is hard, too, and defaulting to emotional manipulation in the face of reasonable boundaries is not a good look.” – that_jedi_girl
Some also pointed out that the procedure can be a difficult process.
“The over-arching reason being bodily autonomy, of course.”
“But also – because egg harvesting is a painful, stressful, and long process that involves a lot of medical appointments, taking extra hormones (which are linked to increases in cancer – FYI). Your friend has NO IDEA what she’s actually asking of you.” – Zestyclose_Meeting_8
“Egg donation is a lot different from sperm donation.”
“There are no racy pictures involved. It’s multiple daily injections (to increase the number of eggs) for nearly two weeks, it’s medication to sync her menstrual cycle with the recipient, it’s more needles during the extraction process.”
“There’s the risk of hyperstimulation of the ovaries, which can kill you.”
“That’s a lot to demand of someone. Not to mention, some conditions can disqualify you (such as depression and inheritable genetic disorders). OP likely wouldn’t qualify even if she wanted to.” – thistleandpeony
Though her friend was absolutely demanding that this egg donation happen, the subReddit urged the OP not to go through with it.
Not only would it involve her body, but it would involve her medical history. The donation might be uniquely difficult for someone with chronic conditions, not to mention the possibility of her eggs carrying on any of her health conditions, which her friend would then need to be care for in the future.