Being an uncle or an aunt can be a lot of fun.
It's especially fun when you're considered the cool uncle/aunt.
But these roles come with consequences.
Not all parents appreciate their siblings' help and input.
So how does one proceed to circumvent a parent?
Redditor CodOk7309 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding what his nephews are eating, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"WIBTAH if I'm not 'fair' with how much I let my sister's kids eat?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Throwaway and names changed because the people in question also use Reddit."
"So my (49 M[ale]) sister Karen (43 F[emale]) has two sons, Tim (16 M) and John (14 M)."
"For most of her sons' lives, I've lived about 4 hours away, so I haven't really been involved and relied on Karen for all of the information I had about Tim and John."
"She had been complaining for a long time that both of her kids were lazy."
"Tim would sleep all day, even in class, and John can't get his face out of a screen."
"I didn't really have much time to interact with them outside of family gatherings around the holidays, and in those brief interactions with my nephews, Karen's account of things seemed accurate."
"Well, I've recently moved to a large property just outside the city where Karen and her family live."
"So instead of being 4 hours away, I'm only about 20 minutes away now, and once I got settled, I started regularly inviting Karen and her family to come and spend time out on the property."
"This is when I started noticing things that made me start to question what was actually going on in my sister's household."
"John acts exactly the way Karen has always described him."
"He hates going outside and absolutely refuses to get far enough away from the house that he loses the Wi-Fi signal (cell reception is spotty on most of the property)."
"Tim, on the other hand, has been very excited to go exploring the property with me and especially enjoys feeding the ducks and taking the bass boat out on the duck pond (the pond is a little over 1 acre and I'm planning on stocking it so I can go fishing), but he gets fatigued very quickly and needs to take regular breaks, sometimes even taking naps in the bed of the truck."
"Now, the last time Karen brought her family over, Tim asked if, since he was 16 and has 'his own' car, if he could visit on his own sometimes, and his mother and I both agreed that was fine."
"So yesterday after school, he came over without Karen and John for the first time and immediately asked if we had anything to snack on before he went out to the ducks."
"I told him, of course, and that he could help himself to anything I had in the pantry, and his response was 'Thanks, just don't tell my mom!' 🚩🚩🚩."
"So I asked him what he meant by that, and he told me that Karen is very strict about him and John only having access to the exact same amount of food to be 'fair.'"
"That he's not allowed to make his own plate at dinner time or order his own food at a restaurant because Karen has 'caught' him 'cheating his brother out of food.'"
"Now, for context, Tim is around 6'2" and thin as a rail, and John is only around 5'6" and is considerably overweight."
"So now I can't get out of my mind that John is the only lazy one, and Tim only seems lazy because he doesn't have any energy because he is literally starving."
"Now here's where I might BTA."
"I want to set Tim up a whole kitchen area out in the barn (the previous owner sold all of the livestock separate from the property, the barn has been going unused except for the first stable near the front door where I keep the ducks at night so after a thorough cleaning it should be sanitary) with a refrigerator/freezer, a pantry, an oven and a microwave and just keep it fully stocked for him to be able to stuff his face absolutely whenever he wants without having to answer to Karen."
"I don't care about her weird view on 'fairness,' but I am worried about what would happen if she ever found out."
"I feel a little bit hypocritical too, because anytime parenting questions come up on this subject, I'm always one of those 'the parents know best, you need to stay out of it' kind of people, but this just seems wrong."
"I'm also considering moving all of the sweets and junk food out of the house and into the barn."
"If I do that, just so John can't get to any of it when he comes over with his parents."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So WIBTAH if I sneak extra food to one of my sister's kids and don't feed them 'fairly?'"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA at all."
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SISTER?"
"THIS IS INSANE!" ~ primuspilus1404
"My ex did this with my youngest when he was 4 or 5."
"He'd always tell him he's hungry (because he's a growing toddler!)."
"And finally, his older sibling yelled at his dad for not giving him food when he was hungry."
"So proud of my oldest, and it didn't happen after that."
"We were already divorced at that point, and ex wouldn't give a sh*t about what I asked." ~ B_A_M_2019
"Add in that one is so much more active than the other, and it makes it even more ridiculous."
"I’d have a REALLY hard time not calling sister out on this utter bullshit, but I have a freaking master's in Child Development."
"But you bloody well don’t need a degree to see this is nonsense, and she has some major issues with control and food."
"I would absolutely wonder what other weird rules OP is going to discover when they get closer to their nephew."
"In my experience of going into houses to help parents, and teaching parenting, it’s NEVER just one."
"And NTA, OP. I love you for this, and so will my nephew." ~ LaurelCanyoner
"All of this."
"Dear Lord... they are teenage boys."
"Any teenager will eat you out of house and home."
"Not just boys."
"They are growing."
"They need energy."
"That comes from food."
"When my kids were in high school, we went to a very poor high school."
"90% get free or reduced lunch."
"A bunch of kids would go to band or football in the summer with no food all day for summer practices."
"My house suddenly became the place everyone came to eat."
"It will be a cold day in hell I turn away a hungry child."
"Kids use up all the energy they eat."
"Have you seen them?"
"Teenagers are constantly going."
"They are like that damn Energizer bunny. NTA." ~ No-Fishing5325
"Absolutely NTA - it sounds like your sister is inadvertently starving and overfeeding her sons in her skewed idea of 'fairness.'”
"I would suggest also,"
"If she does find out, ask her where the idea came from and if she holds those views from when y’all were children." ~ curlyq9702
"NTA, with the information you have provided, I would think this is abuse by his mother."
"If anything, it’s toxic and will create disordered eating for Tim."
"Create a safe place for him for food, but also continue to talk to him to create a game plan."
"What does he want to do?"
"Can he move in with you if confronting his mother ends badly?"
"Are you able to get him a car if it’s actually his mother’s and she takes it away?"
"You need to fully explore this." ~ l3ex_G
"NTA. Feed your nephew!"
"As the mom of 2 sons, I understand that they have different needs."
"What's good for one is not necessarily going to be good for the other."
"That goes for parenting strategy, food needs, sleep needs, whatever."
"As an example, both of my kids have large appetites."
"They're growing children, yes, but they're also boys."
"My older son gets a larger portion of nutrient-dense foods because he's bigger and literally needs more nutrition."
"My younger son can have more food after he's finished eating if what I gave him wasn't enough."
"If it's nutrient-less food (cake, for example), they get the same amount because it's cake, lol, and no one needs cake."
"It's just tasty."
"My kitchen is always 'open,' and they can have whatever they want, as long as there's balance."
"How your sister is raising her children is actually heartbreaking."
"Sometimes parents aren't a child's safe adult, and in this case, that's absolutely true."
"Your plan is good."
"Follow through with it." ~ veeraamethystNTAH
"If I were you, I'd keep it simple."
"Let him come anything he wants and keep snacks for him."
"Also, I don't know where you are, but keeping snacks in his car could help."
"Your sister needs a therapist." ~ Adventurous_Gas5920
"NTA... letting a child be hungry, to be fair to the other one, is a weird way for your sister to say she neglects one of her children."
"You're amazing for doing this!" ~ mikesbabymomma81
Reddit has your back, OP.
This young man needs to eat.
It's just food, not drugs.
You could try having a serious chat with your sister.
Maybe she'd be receptive.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp