Being an uncle or an aunt can be a lot of fun.
It's especially fun when you're considered the cool uncle/aunt.
But these roles come with consequences.
Not all parents appreciate their siblings' help and input.
So how does one proceed to circumvent a parent?
Redditor CodOk7309 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding what his nephews are eating, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"WIBTAH if I'm not 'fair' with how much I let my sister's kids eat?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Throwaway and names changed because the people in question also use Reddit."
"So my (49 M[ale]) sister Karen (43 F[emale]) has two sons, Tim (16 M) and John (14 M)."
"For most of her sons' lives, I've lived about 4 hours away, so I haven't really been involved and relied on Karen for all of the information I had about Tim and John."
"She had been complaining for a long time that both of her kids were lazy."
"Tim would sleep all day, even in class, and John can't get his face out of a screen."
"I didn't really have much time to interact with them outside of family gatherings around the holidays, and in those brief interactions with my nephews, Karen's account of things seemed accurate."
"Well, I've recently moved to a large property just outside the city where Karen and her family live."
"So instead of being 4 hours away, I'm only about 20 minutes away now, and once I got settled, I started regularly inviting Karen and her family to come and spend time out on the property."
"This is when I started noticing things that made me start to question what was actually going on in my sister's household."
"John acts exactly the way Karen has always described him."
"He hates going outside and absolutely refuses to get far enough away from the house that he loses the Wi-Fi signal (cell reception is spotty on most of the property)."
"Tim, on the other hand, has been very excited to go exploring the property with me and especially enjoys feeding the ducks and taking the bass boat out on the duck pond (the pond is a little over 1 acre and I'm planning on stocking it so I can go fishing), but he gets fatigued very quickly and needs to take regular breaks, sometimes even taking naps in the bed of the truck."
"Now, the last time Karen brought her family over, Tim asked if, since he was 16 and has 'his own' car, if he could visit on his own sometimes, and his mother and I both agreed that was fine."
"So yesterday after school, he came over without Karen and John for the first time and immediately asked if we had anything to snack on before he went out to the ducks."
"I told him, of course, and that he could help himself to anything I had in the pantry, and his response was 'Thanks, just don't tell my mom!' 🚩🚩🚩."
"So I asked him what he meant by that, and he told me that Karen is very strict about him and John only having access to the exact same amount of food to be 'fair.'"
"That he's not allowed to make his own plate at dinner time or order his own food at a restaurant because Karen has 'caught' him 'cheating his brother out of food.'"
"Now, for context, Tim is around 6'2" and thin as a rail, and John is only around 5'6" and is considerably overweight."
"So now I can't get out of my mind that John is the only lazy one, and Tim only seems lazy because he doesn't have any energy because he is literally starving."
"Now here's where I might BTA."
"I want to set Tim up a whole kitchen area out in the barn (the previous owner sold all of the livestock separate from the property, the barn has been going unused except for the first stable near the front door where I keep the ducks at night so after a thorough cleaning it should be sanitary) with a refrigerator/freezer, a pantry, an oven and a microwave and just keep it fully stocked for him to be able to stuff his face absolutely whenever he wants without having to answer to Karen."
"I don't care about her weird view on 'fairness,' but I am worried about what would happen if she ever found out."
"I feel a little bit hypocritical too, because anytime parenting questions come up on this subject, I'm always one of those 'the parents know best, you need to stay out of it' kind of people, but this just seems wrong."
"I'm also considering moving all of the sweets and junk food out of the house and into the barn."
"If I do that, just so John can't get to any of it when he comes over with his parents."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So WIBTAH if I sneak extra food to one of my sister's kids and don't feed them 'fairly?'"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA at all."
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SISTER?"
"THIS IS INSANE!" ~ primuspilus1404
"My ex did this with my youngest when he was 4 or 5."
"He'd always tell him he's hungry (because he's a growing toddler!)."
"And finally, his older sibling yelled at his dad for not giving him food when he was hungry."
"So proud of my oldest, and it didn't happen after that."
"We were already divorced at that point, and ex wouldn't give a sh*t about what I asked." ~ B_A_M_2019
"Add in that one is so much more active than the other, and it makes it even more ridiculous."
"I’d have a REALLY hard time not calling sister out on this utter bullshit, but I have a freaking master's in Child Development."
"But you bloody well don’t need a degree to see this is nonsense, and she has some major issues with control and food."
"I would absolutely wonder what other weird rules OP is going to discover when they get closer to their nephew."
"In my experience of going into houses to help parents, and teaching parenting, it’s NEVER just one."
"And NTA, OP. I love you for this, and so will my nephew." ~ LaurelCanyoner
"All of this."
"Dear Lord... they are teenage boys."
"Any teenager will eat you out of house and home."
"Not just boys."
"They are growing."
"They need energy."
"That comes from food."
"When my kids were in high school, we went to a very poor high school."
"90% get free or reduced lunch."
"A bunch of kids would go to band or football in the summer with no food all day for summer practices."
"My house suddenly became the place everyone came to eat."
"It will be a cold day in hell I turn away a hungry child."
"Kids use up all the energy they eat."
"Have you seen them?"
"Teenagers are constantly going."
"They are like that damn Energizer bunny. NTA." ~ No-Fishing5325
"Absolutely NTA - it sounds like your sister is inadvertently starving and overfeeding her sons in her skewed idea of 'fairness.'”
"I would suggest also,"
"If she does find out, ask her where the idea came from and if she holds those views from when y’all were children." ~ curlyq9702
"NTA, with the information you have provided, I would think this is abuse by his mother."
"If anything, it’s toxic and will create disordered eating for Tim."
"Create a safe place for him for food, but also continue to talk to him to create a game plan."
"What does he want to do?"
"Can he move in with you if confronting his mother ends badly?"
"Are you able to get him a car if it’s actually his mother’s and she takes it away?"
"You need to fully explore this." ~ l3ex_G
"NTA. Feed your nephew!"
"As the mom of 2 sons, I understand that they have different needs."
"What's good for one is not necessarily going to be good for the other."
"That goes for parenting strategy, food needs, sleep needs, whatever."
"As an example, both of my kids have large appetites."
"They're growing children, yes, but they're also boys."
"My older son gets a larger portion of nutrient-dense foods because he's bigger and literally needs more nutrition."
"My younger son can have more food after he's finished eating if what I gave him wasn't enough."
"If it's nutrient-less food (cake, for example), they get the same amount because it's cake, lol, and no one needs cake."
"It's just tasty."
"My kitchen is always 'open,' and they can have whatever they want, as long as there's balance."
"How your sister is raising her children is actually heartbreaking."
"Sometimes parents aren't a child's safe adult, and in this case, that's absolutely true."
"Your plan is good."
"Follow through with it." ~ veeraamethystNTAH
"If I were you, I'd keep it simple."
"Let him come anything he wants and keep snacks for him."
"Also, I don't know where you are, but keeping snacks in his car could help."
"Your sister needs a therapist." ~ Adventurous_Gas5920
"NTA... letting a child be hungry, to be fair to the other one, is a weird way for your sister to say she neglects one of her children."
"You're amazing for doing this!" ~ mikesbabymomma81
Reddit has your back, OP.
This young man needs to eat.
It's just food, not drugs.
You could try having a serious chat with your sister.
Maybe she'd be receptive.
Good Luck.
