Sharing information is most effective when the person delivering it understands their audience.
A message for colleagues isn't the same as one delivered to subordinates. A message for an adult is unlikely to work as well on most children.
A biology student turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a poor delivery of a message.
Arianheim asked:
"AITA for telling my friend's nephew that he probably killed a starfish?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, male) was invited by a friend (26, female) to a family party about a week ago. We had a great time, and I got along really well with her family. It was a chill gathering, nothing overly energetic, you know, just singing, dancing, and chatting with everyone."
"About an hour before the party ended, around 20 of us were having a conversation around the table. My friend mentioned to everyone that I had a bachelor's degree in Biology and that I'm currently finishing my Master's."
"Suddenly, her family started asking tons of questions about ecology, evolution, and genetics, I really enjoyed being the center of attention, not gonna lie. I also shared stories about my university field trips and how my professors taught us to handle wildlife properly."
"Then, her nephew (8, male) interrupted to tell me about a school beach trip he took with his classroom (we don't live near the coast). His mom (32, female) (my friend's sister) showed me some pictures his teacher had taken of him while playing with a starfish."
"He was incredibly enthusiastic, explaining that he had taken it out of the water for a while to 'protect' it because his classmates were trying to 'feed it to the fish'."
"When he finished, I told him, coldly but kindly, that he had most likely killed the starfish. I explained to him that taking them out of the water essentially drowns them, especially for such an extended period of time."
"He got extremely upset, stormed off to his room, and started crying, well, not just crying, but SCREAMING. I felt terrible, like I had just crushed a kid's dream of becoming a future biologist."
"When he started crying, my friend and her family, especially her sister, seemed quite bothered by my comment, and the atmosphere became incredibly awkward. I tried to apologize a couple of times, but they basically ignored me for the rest of the gathering."
"When it was time to leave, my friend told me, in a serious manner, that I shouldn't have said that to him and that I had acted like an a**hole to a little kid: 'No child needs to know that they killed an animal, dude. You could've just kept that to yourself'."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Telling a kid the had most likely killed an animal, that action might make me the a**hole because I could've just left him with his innocent dream of protecting nature."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA, majorly. What was the point of saying that the kid killed the starfish? Sounds like your ego was all puffed up and your only purpose was to show off how much of an expert you were."
"If you had empathy or a concern about the environment, you could have said, 'It's great that you took an interest in keeping that starfish safe, but the best place for any kind of fish, even starfish, is in the water. And the fish wouldn't eat him because they're good neighbors to each other. If you get to touch a starfish or other kind of animal that lives in water again, make sure you keep them in the water. That's where starfish are happiest and healthiest'."
"But instead you did a 'Well, actually to sh*t all over this kid's happy memory for no reason. That starfish isn't any less dead, are they, so what was the point of including that information?"
"What you did was cruel, even if it wasn't deliberate. That kid's happy memory is now traumatic and sad for them. That's 100% an a**hole move." ~ MohawMais
"YTA. You could have worded it much better, something like 'It's nice you were trying to protect the starfish, but it can be harmful to take them out of the water. It's better to leave them be'." ~ Helen_A_Handbasket
"Exactly—there was no reason to harshly snap at a kid who genuinely thought he was helping. Your alternative wording teaches the lesson perfectly without making him feel miserable." ~ EchoSamura96
"Right, and honestly the lesson would've stuck better that way. Kids that age are way more receptive when they don't feel attacked. The moment he started crying, any chance of him actually learning something went out the window." ~ MapAromatic485
"Yep, what does 'coldly but kindly' even mean." ~ jastan10
"Perhaps OP meant bluntly?"
"Either way, YTA for the way you phrased it OP. Kids need honesty but they also need kindness." ~ decidedlyindecisive
"The kid will have learned that doing what he thought was the right thing and being wrong, is so much more devastating than making no attempt to help."
"Now he will be wary of helping. It is very sad and unfortunate that the OP only had that lesson for him." ~ lazysundae99
"YTA. Coldly but kindly is a contradiction." ~ prolifezombabe
"Yeah, I'm having trouble picturing what kind of tone that would be. Whatever it was, I don't see how that would be an appropriate way to talk to an 8~year-old." ~ Sarararara91
"It's a person who thinks that because they didn't shout, scream or call him names, that it means their tone was kind and should not have upset him." ~ cementfilledcranium
"YTA-ish. I work in animal welfare so I get it - but you wasted what could have been an age appropriate teachable moment into a harsh life lesson that probably instigated guilt and shame into a little kid." ~ thndrbst
"Soft YTA. I probably would said something along the lines of 'it's very nice that you were trying to save it, but starfish shouldn't be taken out of the water for long. It's bad for them because they need water to breathe. The one you had may have been okay, but it can really hurt them'."
"That way its a teachable and informative moment without being cold. I get wanting to teach a kid something important, but it's also important to deliver it in a way that sticks and isn't hurtful or calling him out in front of family. He probably felt guilty and ashamed." ~ MyCatDart
"Personally I think that kids should learn that good intentions don't guarantee good outcomes, but you probably should have been less blunt about it. YTA." ~ Deflated_Hypnotist
"How do you say something 'coldly but kindly'? That makes zero sense." ~ somuchsong
"Right? Especially when it's 'you know that starfish you were trying to save, little Timmy? Yeah, well. You killed it'." ~ Foxlikebox
"YTA, it's good to inform people about how to properly help wildlife, but this was not at all the way to do it."
"Like, 'That's a really sweet thought! It's good that you wanted to help. In the future, it's better to leave them where they are, though. It would probably be better to just tell your teacher and have them make sure the kids stay away from it'."
"Reinforce that their intention was good and that caring for animals' safety is the right thing. Then tell them what to do instead of the harmful action. Telling them 'yeah, well you killed it' was not needed here. There was a gentle and age-appropriate way to have this conversation." ~ Foxlikebox
"You didn’t leave the kid with learning anything except YTA and they did something horrible. Except even in doing that, you admitted you didn’t know for sure if it died or not as evidenced by saying 'probably'."
"You just were rude to the kid for giggles. You didn’t actually care enough about the situation to help teach what to do instead. Just 'you were wrong'. Heck, even comments here on this post are doing more for you than you did for that kid for learning." ~ PurpleBrunetteOKC
"YTA. That could’ve been a great teachable moment, instead you traumatized the kid." ~ victrin
The OP provided an update after receiving their judgment:
"I'm realizing now I was indeed the a-hole, I definitely could've worded my message better. I need to learn how to deliver a message without traumatizing somebody."
"HOWEVER, I'm seeing my credentials questioned in several comments. The species was a Red Cushion Star, Oreaster reticulatus."
"I know that the kid most probably had killed it because he implied that he took it out of the water for most of the time that they spent on the beach, about an hour or two."
"I'm gonna try to be way more kind. It's hard for me to deliver a message without seeming blunt, but that doesn't mean that I have the right to be a dick."
If OP plans to work with the public, they need to work on their delivery.
Hopefully, they recognize that now.
