Though an 18-year-old is legally an adult, many 18-year-olds are still in high school and still figuring things out. Putting too much pressure on someone who's just barely not a kid anymore is unrealistic.
But there are parents in the world who are ready to take advantage of their 18-year-olds' new adulthood through paying rent, increased responsibilities, or even kicking them out, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Pleasant-Object4875 was more than happy to help her parents around the house, even where her younger siblings were concerned, but when she turned 18, she began to struggle to balance all of the work her parents expected her to do in addition to completing high school.
When she struggled to keep up, and they accused her of "being lazy" and "taking advantage of them," the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to move out of her ungrateful parents' house and never look back.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my parents I won't move back in with them because they're ungrateful a**holes?"
The OP moved out when her parents accused her of doing nothing and taking advantage of them.
"I (18 Female) am my parents' oldest child, and I moved out of their house six weeks ago, because my parents accused me of being lazy, doing nothing to help out around the house, treating them like my servants, and making life more difficult."
"In reality, I was doing the most to help them. I cooked four nights a week, went grocery shopping twice a week, helped my mom meal-prep lunches every Sunday, got my siblings to and from school, did the dishes every night, and I would do my own chores and my siblings' chores when they were being difficult."
"I also was paying rent after I turned 18. I turned 18 in April and started paying rent then."
"But my parents expected more out of me, and I hadn't finished high school yet. I tried my best, though, because I wanted to help my family."
"It was when they accused me of doing nothing and taking advantage of them that I was like, what the f**k?!"
"We got into a fight, and I packed up my stuff and left that night. I stayed at my best friend's house for three nights, and then I moved in with my grandparents."
"They will not let me pay rent. They sometimes let me help them with chores, but they don't want me doing as much as I did at home. They were shocked that my mom would be like that when she was not raised that way."
Weeks later, the OP's parents demanded that she come home.
"It took three weeks for my parents to demand to know when I was coming home, and I said never."
"Then they were saying I needed to keep helping at home, and I asked how I could keep helping when they'd already said I did nothing."
"They told me I was too young to move out, and I reminded them I'm 18, and legally, I could move out without them needing to approve."
The OP's parents finally admitted that things at home were harder without her around.
"They reached out a couple more times, and I ignored them. Then last week they said we needed to talk, and I asked them what about."
"They said things at home were rough without me, and I was needed at home, and that I had to stop behaving like this and help them."
"I told them I won't ever move back in with them because they're ungrateful a**holes who want me to take over for them and never appreciate me for it."
"I said I did nothing before, according to them, so they should be fine, since clearly they were doing it all before, and I said I would keep my lazy a** with Grandma and Grandpa."
"My parents said I was being a real b***h, and parents and kids fight all the time, and I need to get over it."
The OP wasn't interested in going back after how she was treated.
"They really hurt and annoyed me at the same time when they said I did nothing, like, what the f**k?"
"It came from nowhere, too. It makes me believe they expected me to take over running the house entirely when I turned 18, and when I couldn't balance their demands with school, they accused me of just doing nothing at all. I don't want to be a part of that."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had done more than enough and was NTA.
"OP, have your parents even once said sorry for treating you badly? If not, then you already know the answer to your question. Be safe, OP. NTA." - ThisIs_americuhhh
"I think you're right, OP, they did expect you to take over at 18. I would guess that if you stayed, they would charge you more and more rent until they were keeping your entire paycheck. Good for you for leaving, and I am so glad your grandparents took you in." - Go-Mellistic
"NTA. I'm glad you had somewhere to go to escape that bulls**t. Your parents were absolutely taking advantage of you. I hope you stick to your guns and don't let your parents guilt-trip or gaslight you into feeling like you still owe them anything." - Sanford-And-Anfield
"NTA. They called your bluff and lost. Funny how you did 'nothing,' but now the house is falling apart without you. Stay with your grandparents." - _LoneMaverick_
"My blood boils just reading this post. Clearly, I get p**sed off at the ingratitude of your parents and the false accusation of not helping. Good for you for walking away from that nonsense and standing firm."
"Expect to hear from your siblings next as they get assigned all the work you were doing. I'm sure your grandparents are enjoying your helping hand. Get going on the rest of your life, especially since you know how to take care of business!" - MeatoKings
A few also urged the OP to make sure she had all important documents and bank account access.
"If your parents are on your bank account because it was opened when you were younger and needed an adult on the account, get a new account. You are over 18, so open a new individual account, so your parents do not have access to your money." - Slightlysanemomof5
"Get a new account at a different bank so they can't talk their way into your account and so that they don't know where the account is. Cover your bases." - Dismal-Remote-3906
"An 18-year-old might not know this, but Google 'locking your credit' for the procedure on how to do this. At the same time, get a copy of your credit report."
"If you cannot get your birth certificate and social security card from your parents, you can get a new social security card from the Social Security Administration, and you can get a new birth certificate by downloading a form from the county website of the county where you were born."
"You will likely need the form notarized; your bank or a UPS store is the place for that. You want those documents now because if you need them for a job or school, you won't have time to get them." - oxmix74
"Echoing what others have also said: make sure you lock down ALL your bank accounts and look up how to set up ways to protect from not having credit opened in your name."
"Also, redirect mail to your new address: you can go to the PO and purchase redirects for a year, that way any tree Spam for credit cards goes to YOU and not them. I'd even go so far as to get a P.O. Box for your mail, so your parents can't 'stop by' and raid your grandparents' mailbox (weirder and worse things have happened)." - MissLickerish
Others were so grateful that the OP had her grandparents in her corner.
"Stay with your grandparents and help them with chores and dinner. I am sure they would appreciate it. Also, I hope you aren't paying rent anymore."
"Your parents f**ked around and found out. Shame on them." - Anniebelle1020
"Please stay with your grandparents! You are NTA, but your parents are big ones." - BerneDoodleLover24
"I can't even begin to imagine the shock and shame your grandparents feel for how your mother turned out to be. I'm just relieved you have them in your corner. NTA." - LeoPines_12
"Good for your Grandparents! Stay with them. NTA to you, and NTA to them. HUUUUGE YTA to your parents, god." - Constant_Host_3212
"NTA, absolutely NOT! I'm so glad you have kind & loving grandparents who've given you the care and support you deserve and need, and sadly were sorely missing from your own parents."
"It is heartbreaking and infuriating to me that they've treated you so horribly as their child. It's beyond comprehension that they could be so callous and cruel towards you."
"You are brave, smart, industrious, and compassionate. You have strong values and are ethically driven, unlike your soulless, narcissistic parents. We are all so proud of you for working as hard as you have in taking care of your siblings."
"But it was time you had to break away from their exploitation; otherwise, the wear and tear would have certainly worsened, and who knows what they would have done to block any opportunities for your future. Whether that meant job or educational prospects that might have removed you from their servitude and thereby creating the inconvenient void that they are now experiencing and are realizing how they really f**ked up badly."
"Too bad their indentured servant is gone. Never go back. You know and believe in your worth. Let them wallow in their own condemnation."
"Please take the detailed advice by the supporters here to gather your important personal, legal, and financial documents. (Social security, passport, insurance, birth certificate, bank accounts with your name, etc.)"
"You cannot allow them to ruin your good credit or to create impossibly ruinous debt in your name by using your social security number to take out loans, credit cards and other debt instruments in your name. Protect your financial credit and history as a priority."
"We're all rooting for you. We know what an exceptional person you are for someone so young, to have endured such an unkind parentage. In spite of your treatment, you retained optimism and conscientiously worked hard for your ungrateful parents. You tried to protect your siblings through your care."
"As a minor child of the family, you were subjected to complying with the adults' demands to work as an actual grown adult within the household, without giving you even charitable consideration by your own parents."
"You paid rent to live in that household, and yet, they never paid you for the multiple services you rendered as a child under their parental control."
"To repeat, because it is so stupidly outrageous and so sh**ty: you worked for FREE, and still PAID RENT as a MINOR CHILD to unencumbered parents."
"WTF?!" - Material-Ad-4445
The subReddit was shocked by how the OP had been treated and even more shocked that her parents had stooped to accusing her of "doing nothing" when she couldn't keep up with all the demands they were putting on their 18-year-old daughter who was still attending school.
It seemed far better for the OP to be with her grandparents, who were open to her focusing on her studies and her future, rather than taking advantage of her. Since her parents were confident she "did nothing," they'd surely be able to pick up the slack without an issue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp