The best gifts are not the most expensive or the most visually appealing, but rather those with the most meaning behind them.
Be it a memento, a homemade craft, or even a simple gesture, it truly is the thought that counts.
Hence why some people tend to be hurt by gifts that have no real thought or meaning behind them.
Especially when they come from family.
Redditor Opposite_Alarm_1387 was soon approaching an important milestone, which required some involvement from her mother.
However, the original poster (OP) was less than thrilled to see that her mother's involvement was on the half-hearted side.
When the OP confronted her mother on this issue, she found herself being called a "sh*t daughter"
Unnerved by her mother's reaction, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mom that I don't want her AI-written letter for my graduation ceremony?"
The OP explained why she was frustrated by her mother's dependency on artificial intelligence:
"I (17 F[emale]) participated in this year-long program, and its graduation ceremony is coming up."
"One of the things the program has asked parents to do for it is to write a letter, so that the students can have a nice note waiting for them on their chair at the ceremony."
"Last night, my mom (in her 40s) told me that she was writing the letter as a rhyming poem."
"For context, my mom uses ChatGPT for absolutely everything."
"She uses it to write all her emails and texts, and I have seen her use it to write birthday cards and even sympathy messages."
"If she has a question, she will pull up the app and ask Chat."
"I have tried multiple times in the past to tell her about the environmentally damaging effects of using AI, but she still uses it."
"Anyways, after my mom told me what she was working on, my first thought was 'oh, she's probably using AI for it'."
"So, I asked her if she was, and she got very uncomfortable and avoided answering the question."
"Based on her response, I knew that she was indeed using AI to help write the poem."
"I immediately told her that I didn't want her to use AI for something personal like this, and that I didn't want some Chatgpt-generated, robotically written letter."
"I told her I would rather have something genuine and made by her, even if it was bad, because it would be better than anything created by a robot."
"I asked her to please rewrite it without using AI, because I wanted something from her. I ended it by stating that if in the end, she did give me something written by AI, I would throw it out and it wouldn't mean anything to me (which, now, looking back, might have been a bit too mean?) I didn't press the issue further after that."
"Today, I walked into the kitchen with my dad, and she immediately started telling him to write the letter instead of her."
"She told me, 'I'm using AI as a guide to ask it for words that rhyme for my poem. Do you still not want my letter?'"
And I told her, 'Yes, I still don't want your letter'."
"I said that because I was thinking that if she only needed help with finding words that rhyme, she simply could have used Google or a rhyming words website that will just give you what you need."
"But she didn't."
"Which is why I suspect that she was actually using AI to write whole sentences of the poem and not just for finding rhyming words."
"After I told her this, she broke down in tears."
"She started calling me a 'sh*t daughter' in front of my dad and sister (who is 7 years old) and saying that I was 'full of sh*t'."
"My dad tried to calm her down by saying that he would write the letter instead, and then my mom retreated to her room."
"Anyways, that is the whole situation as of now."
"Am I valid for telling her that I don't want her letter, because she used AI to write it?"
"AITA in this situation?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting a genuine, heartfelt letter from her mother after graduation.
Everyone agreed that not only was it more than reasonable for the OP to want something more heartfelt and personal, but under no circumstances was it alright for her mother to call her a "sh*t daughter":
"NTA."
"Sorry that CrapGPT has fried your mom's brain."
"I've also seen people in my life defend the slop bots over people."
"Wild thing to witness."- Rare_Hero
"NTA."
"The letter should be her pouring her heart out to you."
"She just cares about sounding clever."- as_per_danielle
"The program has asked PARENTS to write a letter."
"They have not asked a COMPUTER to write a letter."
"Your mother has refused to write a letter."
"Those are the facts."
"NTA."- fly1away
"NTA, and it's sad your mother thinks glorified predictive text can ever take the place of something a person has taken time and care to write."
"I don't know you any more than a chatbot does, but here's something for your special day:"
"Dear OP, congratulations as you celebrate your graduation, the culmination of a year of hard work and dedication."
"I'm proud of you, and all you have achieved, and of your values and commitment to genuine humanity in a time of increasing artificiality."
"May your future be bright and your heart remain open."
"Blessings to you, from an internet stranger."- Creative-Ad-3645
"NTA."
"There are already studies showing how people that use a lot of GenAI lose reading comprehension, memory, and really relevant here: EMOTIONAL REGULATION. I don't know if your mom was like this before she started using ChatGPT for everything, but it's certainly not helping."
"There is nothing personal about having ChatGPT write someone a poem."
"It's a hollow gesture requiring minimal effort, and the secondary harm it does to the environment is just an added nightmare."- tristanitis
"NTA."
"Not at all."
"I think you may have tried nicely to get her to understand how you felt about it but she pushed the boundary."
"Good for you for standing up for yourself and keeping your integrity."
"I'm very proud of you."
"I wish I had had that kind of self-confidence, sense of self-worth, and courage to maintain it that you do at 17."- Fromdustcomesdreams
"NTA."
"How DARE she call you a sh*t daughter!"
"That is absolutely disgusting."- Anxious_Reporter_601
"NTA."
"A letter that didn't come from her heart is meaningless. It's better to have nothing."
"She's so brainrotted she's even outsourcing the parts of her life she should enjoy."- cydril
"NTA."
"Unless she wants all her birthday cards and Mother's Day cards to be addressed to Claude, she better stop using it."- MayhemWins25
"NTA."
"If she can't be bothered to write something genuine herself, the least she can do is not insult you by using AI to write something fake."- boopbiffsnose
"NTA."
"AI is garbage."
"My Mom was bitching at me in texts one day, and when I called her out, she wrote an apology using ChatGPT."
"I'm in the position where I was able to block her for two weeks because I was pissed."
"Sorry you're going through this, OP."
"You deserve a handwritten letter, not AI slop."- grheart
"NTA."
"You are in no way a sh*t daughter, and I hope your mom feels shame for a while over saying that."
"Your mom has simply rotted away her brain too much with AI garbage and is the same as a drug addict whose brain is being damaged by their substance."
"I was weirdly in a similar situation at my graduation, not AI but mentally unstable mom, and even though I begged my dad to do the graduation note (which went in the yearbook) he still let my mom wear him down so she'd do it."
"It went absolutely terribly."
"Stick to your guns and don't let her guilt you into accepting her slop."
"She's an AH mom, and I feel horrible your younger sister will spend most of her childhood with an AI zombie."
"Be the example she needs to see about standing up to your mom about this."
"And congratulations on your upcoming graduation!"- MustangTheLionheart
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood between her and her mother:
"Thank you all for your replies and the support. Please know that I read every single comment."
"As of now (two days later from originally posting), the situation has kind of been resolved?"
"My mother has apologized for using AI, and I think now she mostly understands the difference between genuinely writing something vs generating it (after I took your guys's advice to really explain it to her)."
"She still has not said sorry for calling me a 'sh*t daughter', though, which is why I say kind of been resolved."
"My dad has also committed to writing the letter instead of her, and my mother has not brought it up since."
The OP's mother isn't the only person who uses AI to make her life more convenient.
Most people, however, like to show their nearest and dearest how much they matter to them with gestures from the heart, not from the internet.
It's a pretty sad situation indeed when a mother needs to use AI to tell her daughter how much she loves her, but can tell her she's a "sh*t daughter" without a second thought...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp