Sometimes, going home for the holidays is more of a nightmare than a dream.
Family can often be the most hurtful people in a person's life.
One answer to this situation is distance.
However, once distance is implemented, the people causing the pain can make it exponentially worse.
Redditor lalalooopsies wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
""AITA for telling my parents iIm done coming home for the holidays??"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’ve gone home every holiday ever since I moved out."
"Every single time, it’s the same thing. "
"My mom criticizes everything about me."
"My apartment, my job, my B[oy]F[riend], my weight, what I’m eating at the dinner table, literally everything, and it makes me feel really bad about myself."
"Nobody defends me, and they just sit there awkwardly and say nothing."
"Last Thanksgiving, she made a comment about how I 'clearly wasn’t taking care of myself' in front of my extended family."
"I laughed it off, but I was basically about to cry, and I was barely holding it together."
"So this year I told them I wasn’t coming home for any holidays."
"I said I loved them, but I needed a break and would FaceTime them every holiday, so it would be like I was there."
"My mom immediately started having a fit and said I wasn’t respecting her or the family because she barely sees me, and my younger cousins and nieces want to see me."
"My dad texted me separately saying he understood why I didn’t want to go, but wanted me to come and just deal with my mom’s criticism."
"I get he wants to see me, but every time my self-worth just gets worse."
"I feel like this shouldn’t be a big deal, but my mom's being kind of dramatic about it, and I don’t know what to do because I get she and my family want to see me, but I just don’t think I can do it anymore."
"I guess my mom or dad told my aunts and uncles because two of them texted me saying that their children love me and would be sad to not see me come."
"I told them that I wasn’t going because of the comments my mom makes ripping me apart, and my aunt said to just smile through it, and my uncle hasn’t responded."
"I feel guilty, but I also feel like I’ve given them years of holidays, and one boundary shouldn’t cause this much drama."
"I’m considering going for a few holidays but not all of them... I don't know?
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, but you need to tell them why you aren't coming and that it's their behavior.... and I'd probably seek some therapy so that you feel comfortable getting to a place where you can stand up for yourself instead of looking for another family member to do so."
"Your family sounds toxic AF though, and I get how hard that probably was, so good on you for cancelling... Sends hugs." ~ lainmelle
"NTA. And it's time to frame it like it is."
"Tell your father that while you will miss him, you will not be verbally abused and put down by your mother, and if something needs to change, it needs to be her."
"And tell your aunt the same."
"That you will not smile through abuse just to see her children and that you hope she will teach them to stand up for themselves and not accept abuse just because it comes from family." ~ journeyintopressure
"NTA- but your whole family is… I’m sorry if this hurts, but your dad‘s a coward, your Aunt is two-faced, and your Uncle is also a coward."
"You don’t deserve that, and if they aren’t gonna be adult enough to stand up for you, knowing how you feel, then they don’t get to be graced by your presence."
"Good for you for standing up for yourself!"
"Don’t give her a single holiday until they learn how to treat you!" ~ Thick_Professor85
"I notice none of the family members want to tell your mom to stop behaving the way she does."
"It seems easier to tell the non-confrontational person to keep absorbing the negative stream of comments."
"Also feels like others know that your mom will find someone else to be the target of her verbal attacks if her favorite punching bag (i.e., you) isn't available."
"I can't really diagnose your mom's personality, but you are absolutely right in wanting to stay away from your mom."
"I would suggest going extremely low contact with your mom for the foreseeable future and also therapy to deal with the effect her words have on you. NTA." ~ Spiritual-Bridge3027
"NTA, in SPADES!"
"For the diagnosis, I'd venture to say MEAN, with bouts of CRUEL and HEARTLESS, and sudden fits of DISDAIN and BULLY FEVER."
"Do not let the flying monkeys deter you---when you experience ONE peaceful, happy, nobody-moody or mean holiday, you'll never look back." ~ ganjin42
"NTA It is YOUR holiday, too."
"You should get to have a nice day."
"Your mom is creating her own karma." ~ Powerful-Knee3150
"Hey, don't go."
"Your family wants to use you as a sacrificial lamb because if you're not there, your mom will attack you."
"At parties, they'll attack you instead, so they want you there as a human shield." ~ Pristine-Payment
"NTA. Your mother and your family are the issue."
"Your family is incredibly selfish for expecting you to continue dealing with it."
"They never speak up about her behavior, instead allowing you to suffer, and now they're trying to guilt you into returning."
"It's horrible."
"Next time, wait until the last possible moment to tell them you won't be coming home."
"Save yourself the guilt trips and weeks of whining."
"Then, shortly before the holiday, let them know something like..."
"'I won't be coming home this holiday because of my mother's constant negative behavior towards me whenever I return home.'"
"'While I'm sad that I won't get to see my younger relatives, some of the older relatives have been made aware of the issues, but have made no effort to address my mother's poor behavior.'"
"'Unfortunately, I have no choice but to stay away because I refuse to tolerate such horrible treatment.'"
"'I deserve to enjoy the holidays too.'" ~ throwawaydogday
"NTA. All these years, no one has spoken up to defend you. I’d text your mom, 'I’m done with being shredded by you each and every time I visit. You dislike every aspect of my life, so it’s doing us all a favor as I’m done hearing about it, and I’m sure they are.'”
"I’d text dad, and other adult family, 'If you really wanted me there, you would have said something. If I do, it would be World War III, so I’m certain it’s better to have family dinners without the hostility since Mom despises me.'”
"And then stand firm." ~ julesk
"NTA. I refuse to go to my aunt's house at Christmas anymore."
"Every time I went, it was constant attacks and being excluded."
"They can’t figure out why I don’t want to go anymore… it was giving me anxiety, and I was crying every trip."
"I have a baby now, and honestly, becoming a mom made me have a backbone."
"I’m an adult, and I don’t have to be around people who make me feel awful about myself." ~ Spiritoftheheart
"NTA. Tell your mom that you’re not coming because of her behavior."
"If she misses you and wants to see you, she needs to be respectful."
"Tell dad that you love him, but his not sticking up for you is part of the problem."
"Tell your aunts that they can deal with their sister on their own!"
"You have already smiled through it and are choosing drama-free."
"Maybe in a year or two, she will get her act together."
"Shocker, no one wants to be berated during holidays." ~ jfern009
"NTA. One of the best decisions I ever made, when I was about 20, was to tell them, 'This is the last time you will EVER guilt me into spending time with you.'"
"In my case, I was the punching bag for their marriage stress. "
"I handled it the best from both of them, but after having two hysterical adults screaming at me because THEY didn't plan the simple movie theater outing better... just did me in."
"I was done. I wanted relationships with them, but not the relationship they were offering, and I was done being the primary one suffering."
"My dad has since passed, and my mom and I now talk only when I am willing to call her."
"The relationships I wanted with them never happened."
"Still, I have NEVER, not once, regretted a boundary I've drawn with them."
"I wish we had a different family dynamic, but in the end, it was never going to happen, and I'm proud of protecting myself; you should be, too."
"It takes a lot to make a child feel unsafe around a parent."
"It is NOT your fault, and you are doing the right thing by communicating honestly and protecting yourself."
"You probably have childhood stress to recover from."
"I doubt this behavior from your mom is new."
"Dad needs to learn he can't play both sides, Mom needs to learn she can be a respectful part of your life or none at all." ~ quicksomethingfox
"NTA. How would any of your family feel if your mom's sole focus was on tearing THEM apart?"
"If they ALL can honestly say they'd grin and bear it, then tell them you'll happily deflect all negativity from mom towards the people who say they can bear it." ~ rhendon46
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have to take care of yourself first.
Your well-being is what is important.
Your mother will have to deal.
Stay strong and good luck!
