There are few things children want to hear less than being told their parents are getting a divorce.
Devastating as this news is, some children are at least lucky that even though their parents no longer share a home, they are still showered with love and support from both parents.
Some children don't take the news as easily and find their emotions getting the better of them.
Particularly when they feel like one of their parents is no longer an active part of their life.
The daughter of Redditor Afraid-Parsnip-3754 started on a downward spiral after learning her parents were getting divorced.
Not helping matters was the fact that the original poster (OP) and his ex-wife had very different views on parenting and discipline post-divorce, eventually resulting in the OP's daughter all but completely cutting off contact with him.
Eventually leading to the OP to feel the need to cut-off his daughter and ex-wife in a manner of speaking as well.
Wondering if he was wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for cutting my daughter off completely when she was 18?"
The OP explained why he felt changes needed to be made regarding his arrangement with his daughter and ex-wife following his daughter's 18th birthday.
"I (44 M[ale]) have a daughter, Jess (18 F[emale]), with my ex-wife, Mary (44 F)."
"Mary and I had a tumultuous relationship."
"Six years ago, when Jess was 12, we came to the mutual decision to get a divorce after Mary had an emotional (and most likely physical, although she never admitted to it) affair with her co-worker."
"Some of the fault for the divorce probably lay with me, but in all honestly, I would call it at least 90% Mary's fault."
"I believe that she suffers from BPD, but she never made any effort to get treated, despite my urging her and promising to pay for therapy."
"After our divorce, Jess more or less became something of a problem child, which I totally understood."
"I did everything in my power to create strict boundaries and reasonable rules within our house, but the second that she went back to her mother's house, Mary would let her do whatever she wanted."
"I paid child support during this period, which amounted to about $800/month."
"When Jess was 14, she got caught with drugs at school."
"On our way home, I explained to her that she should be thanking her lucky stars she wasn't expelled and that her punishment would involve no devices."
"The return of said devices would be contingent on her behavior and grades improving."
"That was the last time Jess came to my house."
"When she went back to her mother's, she henceforth refused to even get in the car when I went to pick her up."
"The reason was clear: Mary let her do whatever she wanted without repercussion, while I would hold her accountable."
"Mary got quasi-full custody, despite it not being court-mandated."
"I upped child support payments in response because I wanted to take care of my daughter."
"In December, Jess turned 18. I haven't spoken to her in a year."
"Mary texted me frantically a few days ago about child support, and I simply responded that Jess was 18."
"She then tore into me about 'abandoning' my child."
"Jess made a TikTok about having a 'deadbeat dad' the next day, probably with Mary's encouragement, as she knows I check her social media."
"There were a lot of fabricated details in the story, but I wonder if I was an a**hole for just leaving them high and dry there."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You're The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cutting off child support payments.
Most felt the OP did the right thing in cutting off his financial support, even if some urged him to double-check that this aligned legally with his divorce agreement and that he should still make every effort to be an active presence in Jess's life:
"NTA for no longer paying child support because she's 18; however, check with your lawyer or that court order to make sure you are in the clear."
"You should send your daughter a text or email explaining why her mother no longer gets the money, how your door is always open to her to talk and rebuild the relationship, but given her actions and that she's an adult now it's on her to reach out to you if she wants a relationship."- WinEquivalent4069
"NTA for cutting them off financially."
"But as a daughter with an actual 'deadbeat dad', I would encourage you to keep reaching out a hand to your daughter."
"Emotionally."
"I'd also recommend therapy."
"I was just tossed back and forth between my parents, never knowing who was telling the truth and who was doing what was good for me."
"So I think as she's an adult, she's going to be able to decipher this much better now in the next few years."- CakeBurglar93
"She is 18."
"Her mother doesn't get child support for an adult child."
"She hasn't spoken to you for over a year, has refused to even come to your home."
"She is the one who cut you off and not you."
"You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about."
"Her social media histrionic and tantrums are just that, tantrums. Ignore them and don't feed into the drama, it will get old really quickly when reality kicks in."
"This is her come to Jesus moment, that the freeloading undisciplined BS she has been allowed to do by her mother is going to bite her in the a**."
"She needs to get a job and fend for herself."
"She is an adult."
"NTA."- Mother_Search3350
"Hi!"
"Child of divorce here who cut off my dad for 10 years after asking him to continue $110/month child support for my first year of college and send it to me."
"He said no unless I would spend my holidays with him."
"I told him to kick rocks."
"Now, at 36, I have a great relationship with my dad."
"Please Don't give up on your daughter completely - she may see the situation more clearly as she gets older and sees how her mother tainted her image of you or how she was being an unreasonable teenager."
"I'm so grateful my dad continued to reach out to me to check in/see how I was, as it eventually led to a beautiful friendship."
"You're definitely NTA but I hope you read this and don't give up all hope for your future relationship there."- Accomplished-Kale-25
"NTA."
"But I would double check with child support services that you really are done."
"Get some kind of writing and keep documentation of all your payments."
"They can say what they want, you can't stop them, but if you're ready to really cut her off, then you have to cut everything, including social media off."- Warm_Willingness2432
"NTA but I think you f*cked up letting Mary raise Jess."
"You allowed yourself, the only responsible adult, to be removed from the picture."
"I'm a dad myself, and I did something similar on my own."
"It did not go well for my brothers."
"You took the easy way out."
"Your daughter has dabbled in drugs, and you allowed her to be raised by someone that you know is unstable and doesn't set boundaries."
"What do you think is going to happen?"
"Jess is an adult now and the only card you have left to play is your money."
"Don't be an idiot."
"Use it and set conditions if they want continued financial support."
"Jess needs a job or education for continued support and, if needed, therapy."
"Also insist that she spend more time with you to ensure that she knows you care and that there is progress."
"Or at the very least away from her mum, who is probably a bad influence."- UseObjectiveEvidence
"You're NTA for stopping financial support."
"However."
"You are the adult in this situation."
"Who knows what the mom was saying, but you still have the responsibility to try and have a relationship with your child."- imokaybutareyou
"She wants to run her own life."
"She's an adult and has basically gone NC with you. Why would you send her money?"
"Definitely NTA, and she needs to find out how the world really works."
"Since now she needs to really work."- Lay-ZFair
There comes a point where Jess will need to learn that actions have consequences and her parents can't always bail her out.
However, it is important that the OP makes sure that he is only cutting Jess and Mary off financially.
As there seem to be deeper, bigger issues going on with both of them requiring his help.
No matter how much the two of them resist and try to push him away, he needs to let them know that deep down, he will always be there for them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp