Creating a family through marriage can be smooth or difficult. But when it’s semmingly impossible, what should a person do?
A mom turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit—an alternative to AITA that allows users to post about romantic entanglements and a potential end of one—for feedback.
AITA rule 11 states:
“AITA is not a relationship sub.”
Posting about potentially ending a relationship will get an AITA post deleted by the admins. So AITAH was the place for this wife to get feedback.
AITAH doesn’t offer a final judgment or specify voting acronyms, although some commenters will still use the ones from AITA.
Efficient-Virus767 asked:
“AITA for considering ending my not terrible marriage because being a stepfamily just isn’t working?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (40, male) was a widower when we met. I (36, female) was a single woman who had never been married before.
“My husband has a daughter April (13, female) from his first wife. April was 5 when her mom died, 7 when my husband and I met, 8 when she and I met and 11 when we got married.”
“Things with April were okay before I got pregnant. And by okay, I mean we weren’t very close and she wasn’t calling me mom or saying she loved me. But we got along well and she said she had no issues with us getting married.”
“She was in the wedding as her dad’s best person. All was good. Then I got pregnant with our son who is now 4 months old and it all changed.”
“She was furious when she learned we were expecting. She told us she would not be okay with that and she asked her dad how he could do that to her and her mom.”
“From that moment on she was hostile to me and very angry and lashed out at me, my husband and anyone who tried to say she was going to be a big sister or described our son as her little brother.”
“I already stepped back. But even with that she’s as hostile and goes out of her way to be rude and to lash out. My husband was always the parent and I was more like a friend.”
“We got her into therapy and we did family therapy. April refused to speak. We tried to find a therapist who’d click for us, but she wouldn’t talk.”
“Then we did find a therapist that made April speak one time and she spoke to say she did not want to work with us or make things better. She would not say why or answer any questions the therapist asked her.”
“She didn’t address it with her individual therapist either. They worked on other stuff. But that wasn’t enough to help her come around.”
“People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she’d fall in love and would go back to how she’d been before. That has not happened and she’s aggressively against anything to do with him.”
“She has never held him and we have no family photos of the four of us. It breaks my husband’s heart. He has talked to his daughter and disciplined her, but it does nothing.”
“She will scream that he is not her brother and she’s even against saying half-brother because ‘he’s not my sibling at all’.”
“I can’t speak to her at all now. Gone is the nice relationship we had and that makes me sad too. Having her wish her brother dead and threaten him is not something I’ll be able to just ignore ever.”
“There are photos of her mom in the house, my husband takes her to the grave. She was never comfortable with me going with and I respect that.”
“My husband loves our son and me. He’s a good man. He loves his family. He speaks to his daughter and disciplines her for bad behavior.”
“He’s trying to get her to a better place and he’s a loving father. But he hasn’t been able to make any improvements in our home life. He breaks down sometimes because it upsets and frustrates him too.”
“She’s in therapy. They did not see any signs of a diagnosable mental illness of any kind. We’re still going to family therapy. The therapists really couldn’t recommend much, but did warn us to make sure our baby is safe.”
“This isn’t working and our home no longer feels like a home. It feels like a house on the verge of collapse. I’m not sure I want to stay married and figure this out for another 5 years.”
“All it takes is her seeing me or our son and she’s yelling or slamming doors.”
“She has made some threats about the baby and has wished him dead. So far nothing physical has happened, but I’m extra cautious. She does get louder when he’s around and especially if he’s sleeping.”
“Basically going all out to make sure we know she does not love him.”
“I don’t see any hope for it to get better and, even though my son will still have to be around that environment, maybe having 50% of the time be in a loving home would be better.”
“I’d be happier even though I love my husband. When I confided in a friend, she told me I can’t give up this fast and I’m not giving it time to get better.”
“AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors had a lot of advice and observations for the OP.
“I just came to ask who TF were these delusional people ? ‘Look at him and fall in love…’ Really‽‽ That’s something you say to a nervous, soon to be parent about their baby.”
“They couldn’t have had any real experience with this situation if that was their advice. It rarely happens that siblings, especially older ones, who want nothing to do with the baby, and are vehemently opposed to it, flip the switch because they see the new kid.”
“They don’t see the baby and think, ‘Awwwww, how cute, I love them so much’. They see the baby and just think, ‘This is the drooling, puking, sh*t monster that’s turning my world upside down’.” ~ judgingA-holes
“No judgement, but I’d be concerned about your son being with her during your husband’s custody time with him if you divorce. Just something to consider since she is part of the household.”
“And honestly it sounds as if you would be giving her what she wants, which I don’t know if that’s a good thing.” ~ Intelligent_Sundae_5
“I find that kids are obstinate because they often have little choice/control in a situation. They can’t even fully understand, process, or explain their feelings. All they know is they don’t like something, so they push against it.”
“As a parent myself, I know it’s sometimes impossible to not let my own emotions react to this. Because it sucks, and it affects me and my life, and it feels so unnecessary. But, kids are gonna kid.”
“Teaching your kids that it’s not okay to treat people like this is imperative to them forming emotional maturity. When kids have big emotions, they should be taught habits for emotional regulation.”
“She might seem like she’s not cracking on the baby-front, but chances are she’s processing simultaneously with her individual therapist while things move onward.”
Ideally, OP and husband should have talked to the daughter about the possibility of having more kids WAY before it ever happened. She is a huge part of their life, and OP/husband were acting like it *wouldn’t* affect her. Of course she’s going to react.”
“But for now, OP, is it really worth blowing up your life over something temporary? Is the stress of being a new mom compounding with the stress of your step-daughter and you’re at a breaking point?”
“Maybe that can be redirected by going hands-off with her letting your husband deal with it 100%.” ~ lemmful
“You were tolerated because she didn’t see you as a replacement mother. You were someone to her Dad, pleasant enough, and not overstepping.”
“Now her father has a baby with you. In her mind, you’ve now created a family unit that erases her mother and downgrades her. Her memories of her mother will be fading, and she probably feels guilty at liking anything to do with you.”
“Now she’s competing with a new baby and a living wife and mother. If your therapists couldn’t work that out, you may as well burn the money.” ~ cressidacole
“No judgement this time as this is really complicated. But, I recommend to not do any final decision for now.”
“While, for sure, you should make sure your son is safe and that ‘s not possible while living with April. On the other hand, divorce would be punishment for your husband, winning for April AND with 50/50 custody your son won’t be safe 50% of time. That doesn’t sound like a solution to this situation.”
“What I expect, it’s a theory of course, is that 13-year-old was somehow fine with you as company for her dad, but your pregnancy changed this perspective from company to lover… so in her mind your husband is cheating on her mom. That way your son is not a brother, but a living proof of it.”
“I recommend to discuss with the therapist how to navigate your husband’s communication to April about ‘I love you and I loved your mom. My heart is big enough so loving OP and our son hasn’t changed anything about that. But your behaviour is unacceptable as you are cruel to an innocent baby and I won’t risk you harming him, or OP. No matter how hurt, scared or angry you are, hurting other ppl is wrong. You don’t have to love them, just be decent person to them’.”
“And your husband should show his feelings to her. ‘I love you but I am angry/hurt/dissapointed. No I won’t go overboard with things for you when you can’t even be a decent human being to OP and my son’.”
“Consider the option for you and your son to move close and send April a few times a week to relatives (grandparents, aunts). Those days you will be together with your husband.”
“No need for divorce. April gets the clear message that she won’t destroy your family. It will be just divided.” ~ Danube_Kitty
Things are not in a good place for this family of four.
Only time will tell if it will remain intact or split apart.