Behavioral issues in adolescence are common. Combine hormonal shifts with changing roles and expectations and the looming spectre of independence and adulthood responsibilities—it's a lot to take.
But what are reasonable adolescent behaviors and what's unacceptable?
Most people would agree violence at home or at school is unacceptable. But how can it be dealt with?
It can be especially difficult to handle unacceptable childhood behavior in a co-parenting situation where one parent thinks intervention is required and the other decides to ignore any problems.
A stepmother turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her stepdaughter displayed repeated violence.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Big_mama_25 asked:
"AITAH for making my 15-year-old stepdaughter leave my home and banning her from my house for her cruelty?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (35, female) have been married to my husband (45, male) for 4 years and together for 5. We dated for a year before we got married."
"He has a beautiful 15-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. She never viewed me as a stepmother, but as an enemy. Maybe it’s because her mother sees me that way, or maybe she feels that I’m trying to replace her mother."
"Her mother cheated on my husband."
"I have tried everything I could to make her feel welcome in our home. I love her like my own daughter. It hurts because she hates me and I don’t know why."
"I always make myself available for her to come to me when she needs me. I include her in every activity I do. I even offered to paint her room for her when her father told her that she’d have to wait."
"I am doing everything I can to make her feel welcomed around me. I want her to feel like she’s my family."
"Her mother doesn’t like me at all and that may be another factor in this."
"So today was a boiling point. So for context, my stepdaughter has anger issues. I have talked to her and her mother about potentially getting her counseling."
"The past few months her behavior has gotten worse than it was before. She would start with stealing from me and destroying things in the house after her father tells her no to things, and when her father upsets her in the slightest, she’d break things."
"She’s broken our television, she’s thrown dishes and broken them, she has kicked doors and slammed doors. She’s broken glasses, and has punched holes in walls and kicked the doors down."
"She has been fighting at school. She has started these fights as well. She beat up a girl so bad she broke her nose and arm. She has fought teachers and security. We have been to juvenile court three times in the past year and a half."
"This scares me because I’m always worried of doing or saying the wrong thing. I am on eggshells here. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. I also have a toddler with my husband, who is two years old."
"So earlier today, I put my toddler down for a nap. My husband and his daughter got into an argument; she asked to stay the night at her boyfriend’s house, and he told her no. I walked downstairs to see what was going on."
"As our dog crossed her path, she kicked him hard in his side and told him to move out of the way. I had gotten really angry in that moment because I had put up with a lot from her. Animal cruelty is just something no one should ever do no matter how angry they are. I called her mother and told her to come get her."
"I went upstairs to my stepdaughter's room and grabbed her bags she brought over and put them downstairs beside the door. She yelled at me and threatened harm to me. I told her that she is no longer welcome here since she hurt our dog. I told her that until she learns to control her anger, she can’t be here."
"Her mother came and told me I was overreaching and called me a bunch of names. I told them both to leave."
"Now my stepdaughter's mom and aunt are spamming me with hateful messages saying I had no right to ban her from our home. I’m at a loss. I’ve been nothing but loving and patient with her."
"I gave her chance after chance and defended her on so many occasions. I can’t handle this anymore. This stress is getting to me."
"I wish there was a way we could get her admitted to some facility to help her. Her mother refused altogether and told me I’m not her real mother, and I have no right to make any choices regarding her daughter."
"She has also threatened to hit her two-year-old sister before, and I don’t feel safe in our home anymore. My two-year-old is at my mother’s house temporarily until we get this sorted out."
"So her father is doing all he can. He was furious when she kicked the dog, and he stood by my choice."
"Her dad is trying his best. He’s been trying to convince her mom to get her help, and she refuses. He’s looking into getting her admitted."
"AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"I know it’s a horrible situation, I wish things were different. I have no idea what is causing her behavior, and it’s sad. She said today that I was an evil demon."
"At this point, my husband agrees with banning her from the house for a while. So he talked to her mom and said that until she gets counseling and a massive behavior change, she is not welcome.
"He is supporting my decision. He is contacting the police on what to do."
"He doesn’t want to have to press charges on her for what she did, but he feels like that’s the only way she could potentially get help. Her mother is so stubborn and doesn’t want to admit her for treatment."
"I’m just so stressed and exhausted. Her mother says she doesn’t need therapy because 'She’s not a crazy person' which is dumb in itself. She’s doing concerning behavior that should be addressed."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was doing the right thing to protect her dog, her toddler, and herself (NTA).
"This time the dog, next time the toddler? Escalation seems to be her pattern." ~ Dragonfly6179
"Mom and aunt are likely coming down on you because your home is probably the only respite her mother gets from her daughter. If you ban her, she'll be stuck with her 24/7."
"You might not have legal standing in her care or treatment, but you do have control over your home."
"She's stolen from you, destroyed your property, kicked your dog, and threatened violence towards you and your toddler? Get a restraining order/order of protection, then she legally won't be allowed near you or your child."
"Maybe then mom will get on board with getting her help." ~ MMohawMais
"You both witnessed her kicking your dog. That is clearly unacceptable, and the point where you should be pressing formal charges against her."
"Get the police involved now. Plus animal welfare. If you do nothing, the next step will be your toddler." ~ SissyLovesCuteAttire
"NTA. Extraordinary circumstances require extraordinary measures. You gotta do what you gotta do to protect your family, and the dog is part of it." ~ stallion8426
"Not only the dog, though he doesn't deserve to be abused either, what are you going to do when she body-slams your toddler into a wall‽‽ The sad thing about escalating anger is that it can easily explode and she could do something life-changing to her half sibling and, legally/mentally/emotionally/etc... to herself!"
"Stupid, mindless actions could lead to horrific circumstances. Instead of juvenile court, she could find herself tried as an adult with adult consequences."
"I have had the unfortunate duty of taking care of infant/child/teen/adult victims of "it's not a big deal" angry episodes in the ER/ICU. I know it is hard to imagine her being capable of harming your child, but she started with breaking small things, moved to high-value things, escalated to punching holes/destroying doors in your house."
"Now, she kicked your pet. Logically, her next progression would be seriously injuring/killing your dog. After that, there are only one set of targets left in your household: you, your toddler &/or your husband. She either gets help or she doesn't darken your doorstep ever." ~ ProfitOdd2896
"NTA. I’m surprised long-term counseling wasn’t made mandatory for your stepdaughter after she broke a girl's nose and arm. She has some serious issues that need to be addressed ASAP."
"You said you have a toddler, what if she hurts your toddler next? I would not allow her back until she gets the help she needs and has made sustained progress in improving." ~ Crafty_Special_7052
The OP provided a short update:
"Her father, my husband, called the police and pressed charges for animal cruelty. Hopefully, this gets her help. If not, he will petition the family court."
"My husband is on my side. He wants to have her admitted. She has been in juvenile detention for a few months before for fighting, and she was in mandatory counseling for about 6 months, I believe."
OP may not have a solution, but at least they have a plan.
