For most of the Reddit community, mothers-in-law are typically the villains, quick to infantilize their sons, make excuses for their daughters, and always, always belittle and seclude their adult kids-in-law.
But every once in a while, there's a mother-in-law who really just wants to be there for their grandchildren, shrugged the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Antique-Guide-492 had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law at best, and she felt like that worsened when she refused to host any visitors during the first month of her son's life while his immune system developed.
When they later did a photoshoot together, and her mother-in-law didn't include her in all of the photos, the Original Poster (OP) was certain she was trying to get back at her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being upset that my mother-in-law wanted me to step out for family photos?"
The OP did not allow family to visit until her baby was one month old.
"My fiancé (25 Male) and I (23 Female) just had our baby three months ago."
"Yes, I am one of those 'strict' moms who, after we left the hospital, didn't want people to visit the baby until his immune system was stronger."
"My mother-in-law (MIL) didn't get to be in the room with me while I was giving birth, whereas my mother and fiancé were with me for the birth."
"My MIL seemed to take offense to the fact that I didn't want her there, and after that, it seemed like she had a problem with me and how I was taking care of my baby."
"Outside of the delivery room, how I treated my family and my fiancé's family was exactly the same. My mother was in the delivery room with me and my fiancé, while my fiancé's mother was not. But after we left the hospital, no one came to our house for the next month, no exceptions on either side."
The OP felt stifled by her mother-in-law after her MIL started to visit the baby.
"After a month, my MIL was allowed to visit. Then she started visiting almost every single week, sometimes multiple times per week."
"I told my fiancé that, while it's nice to see his mom, she's here too much. My fiancé said that she just wanted to help, but he would talk with her."
"She then made a comment about how 'I don't want her around anymore' but eventually started to visit less often."
When the family got together for a photo shoot, the OP believed her MIL was ignoring her and punishing her.
"Two months later, my fiancé's mother suggested that we all get together, my fiancé and I, and his two brothers, to take family photos."
"We all agreed, and the day of the photoshoot, it kind of just seemed like she was ignoring me."
"We all took photos together, and then she said she wanted to do one of 'just her family' and asked me to give the baby to my fiancé so they could take a picture with my MIL, my fiancé, our baby, and his brothers."
"I looked at my fiancé, and he didn't say anything, so I gave him the baby and stepped to the side."
"Later on when the photoshoot was done, I mentioned to my fiancé how much it had upset me, and that his mother doesn't respect me."
"He said that that wasn't how she meant it, and that she just views family differently."
"Am I overreacting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the OP was included in the photo shoot, just not one photo with the sons.
"YOR. As an in-law, I assure you, we get photos with the spouses AND without. Divorce could happen at any time. They only got a few without you." - halfofaparty8
"I think every mum/grandma wants to take photos with their kids and direct progeny. She took some with you and some without, and that is normal, in my opinion."
"Personally, I think you are making a big deal out of something minor."
"After reading your post, I can understand why your mother-in-law clashes with you. You seem to have a lot of negativity in your relationship with her, and you sound like a difficult person to get along with. I wouldn’t dream of treating my in-laws like this." - Shot-Ad607
"YOR. The world does not revolve around you. Many families take 'generational' photos with immediate family." - 24601moamo
"YOR. It's one photo. You were otherwise included."
"I don't think there's anything malicious about a mother wanting a photo with her descendants, the kids she birthed, only."
"I offer to take photos of my MIL, her kids, and my kids, and I ask for the same with my mom, LOL." - cementfeatheredbird_
"YOR. The rest of pics you are included. You excluded her from when you wanted your own family- which you had every right to do. She does too." - charlybell
"She didn't exclude you from all of the photos. She just wanted one with just her boys. YOR." - I-luv-sloths
"YOR. You're 23 and not married. I'm not sure what your fiancé means to you, but unless you have a wedding date set in the next 12 months, you have a boyfriend, not a fiancé, and not a MIL, either."
"There's such a good chance you won't be in the picture, literally and figuratively, 24 months from now. And his mom knows that." - YorkPepperMintPaddy
Others also questioned the OP's complaints about her mother-in-law visiting her home.
"YOR. It's perfectly fine to want a photo just with your sons and their kids."
"And since when is one visit a week too much??? Like, are you for real?"
"Especially after you forbade the visits for a month... I can respect that, but yes, it's weird when new moms do that." - Blue-Fish-Guy
"Yes, you are overreacting to the photo of 'just her family.' You are 23 and a Fiancee, not a wife. Aside from that, it's completely normal for his mom to want a photo with her sons and grandchild. You do not have to be in every single moment between your fiancé and his mother."
"This is probably my personal preference, but her stopping by once a week shouldn't be a big deal, unless she was there for a long time and/or expecting you to cater to her when she showed up. Was that happening, or did she just want to spend time with you guys?" - Zestyclose-Shower164
"Sorry but making your MIL wait A MONTH to see the baby is a total AH move. Especially while your mom was present from the very moment the cherished baby entered the world. That’s just straight up mean. And your husband allowed it too." - SafeWord9999
"Making his mom wait a month to see her grandchild is wild. Would go over like a lead balloon where I live and with about every family I know. It would be seen as SUPER RUDE, and people would be p**sed."
"It’s wild. But you do you! I’m just tired of people setting these 'rules' and then being like, 'but it’s not fair they are mad at me!' Yes, it is; you can set super crazy, strict rules and boundaries all day! What you can’t do is then get mad when the other people are p**sed."
"You can’t have it both ways… You don’t get to control THEIR reaction to your rules/boundaries." - Independent_You_6753
"A month is really crazy. I mean a month for every random aunt or cousin or neighbor is one thing, but for one of the grandparents? That’s really one quick way to let her know you can’t stand her, I guess."
"Your husband definitely should have taken the baby to see his family." - Neweleni7
"Making a grandparent wait a month to see their grandchild. It’s ridiculous."
"OP is too much. Let them hold the baby. Let them visit. She’s complaining about everything." - Florida-home-owner
Some urged the OP to start treating her mother-in-law (MIL) how she wanted to be treated.
"You didn’t treat her like family, and you are not legally part of her family, so why does she need to include you more than you allowed her to be included?"
"Not to mention, she probably hopes these photos stand the test of time, and realistically, most women who are unmarried when they give birth never end up marrying their child’s father (or anyone else)."
"YOR. It's weird to so pointedly exclude someone and then get upset about a single photograph." - kittywyeth
"You might want to ease up on the woman. And if you don't want her in your house, take the baby to hers. Use the opportunity to pick her brain on what your husband was like as a child."
"Your MIL obviously wants to have a relationship with her grandchild. If she's getting her vaccines and willing to do her part in keeping your child safe, and willing to follow your rules for how you want to raise your baby (no solids until six months, no sugar until their first birthday, whatever), then you might as well let her. Having more relationships with trustworthy adults is good for the kid."
"Because now you have a child and that child should be your first priority. Whether you like your MIL or not, if she's not a raging piece of s**t, it's good for your child and their development to have relationships with adults other than their parents." - PostTurtle84
"YOR. It is completely normal for moms to just want a picture of her kids and grandkids."
"I also think it is quite sad the state of your relationship with your MIL. It is great to have boundaries, but also, here is someone who clearly loves her grandchild and wants to be a part of their life and is being kept at arm's length."
"You can’t be upset when you don’t have a village."
"Just keep in mind how you would feel if your son’s future partner treated you this way. Give the woman a break." - TightInvestigator557
"We did tons of pictures for my wedding, and both of my parents had remarried, but there is one picture where it is just my mom, my dad, me and my brother, and we asked the step-parents to step out. So it’s usually just normal to want one picture with just your kids or just your bloodline; it doesn’t mean that she has a problem with you or whatever."
"But I will say that to each their own as far as keeping everybody away from the baby for a month, but I would be heartbroken if my kids did that to me."
"You’re now a mom, but someday, your child will grow up. And you don’t want to be on the opposite side of that fence when you have adult children."
"So maybe you could think about how your mother-in-law feels about some things going forward. Because someday, if you’re blessed enough to live that long, you’ll be a grandparent, and you might have to walk in the same shoes as somebody who’s like you."
"I’m not meaning that in a mean way; I just want to say that her feelings are probably hurt, too." - Comfortable-Web3177
"Look at your new baby boy, think about how much you love him, and then imagine him marrying a woman who tries to shut you out of his life. Maybe you can find some way not to be so irritated by your fiancé's mother." - knitting-yoga
The subReddit usually tends to side with OPs when it comes to mothers-in-law, but this might actually be a situation where the OP was disgruntled with their mother-in-law one time and proceeded to overanalyze every situation, thinking that her mother-in-law was judgmental and overbearing.
But to the subReddit, it sounded like a grandmother eager to get to know her grandson, and since there was no mention of her other sons having children, she was likely excited to be a grandmother for the first time, with no other strings attached.
