For most of the Reddit community, mothers-in-law are typically the villains, quick to infantilize their sons, make excuses for their daughters, and always, always belittle and seclude their adult kids-in-law.
But every once in a while, there's a mother-in-law who really just wants to be there for their grandchildren, shrugged the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Antique-Guide-492 had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law at best, and she felt like that worsened when she refused to host any visitors during the first month of her son's life while his immune system developed.
When they later did a photoshoot together, and her mother-in-law didn't include her in all of the photos, the Original Poster (OP) was certain she was trying to get back at her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being upset that my mother-in-law wanted me to step out for family photos?"
The OP did not allow family to visit until her baby was one month old.
"My fiancé (25 Male) and I (23 Female) just had our baby three months ago."
"Yes, I am one of those 'strict' moms who, after we left the hospital, didn't want people to visit the baby until his immune system was stronger."
"My mother-in-law (MIL) didn't get to be in the room with me while I was giving birth, whereas my mother and fiancé were with me for the birth."
"My MIL seemed to take offense to the fact that I didn't want her there, and after that, it seemed like she had a problem with me and how I was taking care of my baby."
"Outside of the delivery room, how I treated my family and my fiancé's family was exactly the same. My mother was in the delivery room with me and my fiancé, while my fiancé's mother was not. But after we left the hospital, no one came to our house for the next month, no exceptions on either side."
The OP felt stifled by her mother-in-law after her MIL started to visit the baby.
"After a month, my MIL was allowed to visit. Then she started visiting almost every single week, sometimes multiple times per week."
"I told my fiancé that, while it's nice to see his mom, she's here too much. My fiancé said that she just wanted to help, but he would talk with her."
"She then made a comment about how 'I don't want her around anymore' but eventually started to visit less often."
When the family got together for a photo shoot, the OP believed her MIL was ignoring her and punishing her.
"Two months later, my fiancé's mother suggested that we all get together, my fiancé and I, and his two brothers, to take family photos."
"We all agreed, and the day of the photoshoot, it kind of just seemed like she was ignoring me."
"We all took photos together, and then she said she wanted to do one of 'just her family' and asked me to give the baby to my fiancé so they could take a picture with my MIL, my fiancé, our baby, and his brothers."
"I looked at my fiancé, and he didn't say anything, so I gave him the baby and stepped to the side."
"Later on when the photoshoot was done, I mentioned to my fiancé how much it had upset me, and that his mother doesn't respect me."
"He said that that wasn't how she meant it, and that she just views family differently."
"Am I overreacting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the OP was included in the photo shoot, just not one photo with the sons.
"YOR. As an in-law, I assure you, we get photos with the spouses AND without. Divorce could happen at any time. They only got a few without you." - halfofaparty8
"I think every mum/grandma wants to take photos with their kids and direct progeny. She took some with you and some without, and that is normal, in my opinion."
"Personally, I think you are making a big deal out of something minor."
"After reading your post, I can understand why your mother-in-law clashes with you. You seem to have a lot of negativity in your relationship with her, and you sound like a difficult person to get along with. I wouldn’t dream of treating my in-laws like this." - Shot-Ad607
"YOR. The world does not revolve around you. Many families take 'generational' photos with immediate family." - 24601moamo
"YOR. It's one photo. You were otherwise included."
"I don't think there's anything malicious about a mother wanting a photo with her descendants, the kids she birthed, only."
"I offer to take photos of my MIL, her kids, and my kids, and I ask for the same with my mom, LOL." - cementfeatheredbird_
"YOR. The rest of pics you are included. You excluded her from when you wanted your own family- which you had every right to do. She does too." - charlybell
"She didn't exclude you from all of the photos. She just wanted one with just her boys. YOR." - I-luv-sloths
"YOR. You're 23 and not married. I'm not sure what your fiancé means to you, but unless you have a wedding date set in the next 12 months, you have a boyfriend, not a fiancé, and not a MIL, either."
"There's such a good chance you won't be in the picture, literally and figuratively, 24 months from now. And his mom knows that." - YorkPepperMintPaddy
Others also questioned the OP's complaints about her mother-in-law visiting her home.
"YOR. It's perfectly fine to want a photo just with your sons and their kids."
"And since when is one visit a week too much??? Like, are you for real?"
"Especially after you forbade the visits for a month... I can respect that, but yes, it's weird when new moms do that." - Blue-Fish-Guy
"Yes, you are overreacting to the photo of 'just her family.' You are 23 and a Fiancee, not a wife. Aside from that, it's completely normal for his mom to want a photo with her sons and grandchild. You do not have to be in every single moment between your fiancé and his mother."
"This is probably my personal preference, but her stopping by once a week shouldn't be a big deal, unless she was there for a long time and/or expecting you to cater to her when she showed up. Was that happening, or did she just want to spend time with you guys?" - Zestyclose-Shower164
"Sorry but making your MIL wait A MONTH to see the baby is a total AH move. Especially while your mom was present from the very moment the cherished baby entered the world. That’s just straight up mean. And your husband allowed it too." - SafeWord9999
"Making his mom wait a month to see her grandchild is wild. Would go over like a lead balloon where I live and with about every family I know. It would be seen as SUPER RUDE, and people would be p**sed."
"It’s wild. But you do you! I’m just tired of people setting these 'rules' and then being like, 'but it’s not fair they are mad at me!' Yes, it is; you can set super crazy, strict rules and boundaries all day! What you can’t do is then get mad when the other people are p**sed."
"You can’t have it both ways… You don’t get to control THEIR reaction to your rules/boundaries." - Independent_You_6753
"A month is really crazy. I mean a month for every random aunt or cousin or neighbor is one thing, but for one of the grandparents? That’s really one quick way to let her know you can’t stand her, I guess."
"Your husband definitely should have taken the baby to see his family." - Neweleni7
"Making a grandparent wait a month to see their grandchild. It’s ridiculous."
"OP is too much. Let them hold the baby. Let them visit. She’s complaining about everything." - Florida-home-owner
Some urged the OP to start treating her mother-in-law (MIL) how she wanted to be treated.
"You didn’t treat her like family, and you are not legally part of her family, so why does she need to include you more than you allowed her to be included?"
"Not to mention, she probably hopes these photos stand the test of time, and realistically, most women who are unmarried when they give birth never end up marrying their child’s father (or anyone else)."
"YOR. It's weird to so pointedly exclude someone and then get upset about a single photograph." - kittywyeth
"You might want to ease up on the woman. And if you don't want her in your house, take the baby to hers. Use the opportunity to pick her brain on what your husband was like as a child."
"Your MIL obviously wants to have a relationship with her grandchild. If she's getting her vaccines and willing to do her part in keeping your child safe, and willing to follow your rules for how you want to raise your baby (no solids until six months, no sugar until their first birthday, whatever), then you might as well let her. Having more relationships with trustworthy adults is good for the kid."
"Because now you have a child and that child should be your first priority. Whether you like your MIL or not, if she's not a raging piece of s**t, it's good for your child and their development to have relationships with adults other than their parents." - PostTurtle84
"YOR. It is completely normal for moms to just want a picture of her kids and grandkids."
"I also think it is quite sad the state of your relationship with your MIL. It is great to have boundaries, but also, here is someone who clearly loves her grandchild and wants to be a part of their life and is being kept at arm's length."
"You can’t be upset when you don’t have a village."
"Just keep in mind how you would feel if your son’s future partner treated you this way. Give the woman a break." - TightInvestigator557
"We did tons of pictures for my wedding, and both of my parents had remarried, but there is one picture where it is just my mom, my dad, me and my brother, and we asked the step-parents to step out. So it’s usually just normal to want one picture with just your kids or just your bloodline; it doesn’t mean that she has a problem with you or whatever."
"But I will say that to each their own as far as keeping everybody away from the baby for a month, but I would be heartbroken if my kids did that to me."
"You’re now a mom, but someday, your child will grow up. And you don’t want to be on the opposite side of that fence when you have adult children."
"So maybe you could think about how your mother-in-law feels about some things going forward. Because someday, if you’re blessed enough to live that long, you’ll be a grandparent, and you might have to walk in the same shoes as somebody who’s like you."
"I’m not meaning that in a mean way; I just want to say that her feelings are probably hurt, too." - Comfortable-Web3177
"Look at your new baby boy, think about how much you love him, and then imagine him marrying a woman who tries to shut you out of his life. Maybe you can find some way not to be so irritated by your fiancé's mother." - knitting-yoga
The subReddit usually tends to side with OPs when it comes to mothers-in-law, but this might actually be a situation where the OP was disgruntled with their mother-in-law one time and proceeded to overanalyze every situation, thinking that her mother-in-law was judgmental and overbearing.
But to the subReddit, it sounded like a grandmother eager to get to know her grandson, and since there was no mention of her other sons having children, she was likely excited to be a grandmother for the first time, with no other strings attached.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.