Nothing comes between friends quite so easily as wedding plans. A woman on Reddit found herself in this situation when she offended her disorganized best friend with her decision not to allow her to be her maid of honor.
She wasn't sure about how she'd handled it, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Decent-Chemistry-533 on the site, asked:
"AITA for telling my best friend she is not my maid of honour"
She explained:
"I (25F[emale]) am getting married next year. My friend (25F) and I have been best friends since elementary school. I sent out little gift boxes asking all my close friends to be my bridesmaids."
"She was a little confused and asked who was the maid of honour. I told everyone that I don't plan on having one and we can organise everything all together. She was incredibly upset."
"Here's the thing, I would love her to be my maid of honour. But, she isn't really capable of being one. She has very poor time management and is the most unorganised person on the planet."
"Everything is left to the last possible moment. She has been fired from her jobs multiple times for never being on time and really struggles with responsibility."
"I really don't want to be stressing about my wedding and worrying about her being organised. She would take on the all the tasks of being a maid of honour but ultimately drop the ball."
"I didn't want to tell her she could be one without all the planning because I know it would be incredibly hurtful. She is struggling currently getting her life in order and telling her that she's not capable would probably break her."
"AITA for not making her my maid of honour? I really don't know if this was actually the best choice"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who's in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And some of them understood OP's point of view.
"NTA - You have a clear vision of your experience ledding up to your big day. By not making her MOH you have now avoided the stress and disappointment of dealing with her."
"Sometimes we have to pull up our big girl panties, and do what needs to be done, and you did that !" --Drip_Like_Chocolate
"NTA but has anyone ever taken your friend aside and suggested she get evaluated for ADHD? It may save the rest of her life" --Alternative_Year_340
"NTA"
"Planning a wedding is stressful enough so I cannot even imagine how it'd be like to have someone proven to be irresponsible with such role in it. It's a call for more stress and disaster." --andwhataboutititties
But many others thought her expectations were way out of line, and called her out for her choice.
"I think YTA actually. There's no reason why you can't do all of the organizing as a group, and still have her be your Maid of Honor."
"The role of MoH is not meant to replace an event planner; it annoys me to no end when brides say 'well this person who is incredibly important to me is unable to take on all of the mindless and stressful organizational tasks I expect her to do, so she can't be my MoH.' No. Stop."
"A maid of honor is an honorific role meant to symbolize your dearest friend / relative. Their role is to hold your bouquet, and stand next to you at the altar, and maybe do a reading or give a speech at the reception."
"Their role is to stand by you like they've always stood by you, and cheer you up if you get overwhelmed, and help you through the various stresses and awkward scenarios that inevitably come with planning a wedding, in their own way (whatever that looks like). And they're there for the fun stuff too!"
"But they are NOT your personal assistant and people herder. This is your wedding, and if you want a bridal shower and a bachelorette party and all the rest, and you think your BFF won't do an adequate job to meet your needs, then you can find another way to organize it. Which you've already done!"
"I fail to see the problem with giving your friend the title and letting her know how special she is to you; all you're doing now is signaling to her that her friendship is only worth as much as her organization skills (so, nothing worth recognizing)." --wolfholler
"It also seems like kind of a dick move to not even talk about this with her best friend before sending out the bridesmaid invites. And this:"
"'I told everyone that I don't plan on having one and we can organise everything all together.'"
"Makes it seem like she told best friend she wasn't going to be maid of honor in front of all the other bridesmaids."
"It would be reasonable if OP was trying to handle a difficult person who unreasonably expected to be maid of honor, but for a long time best friend it's kind of cold." --looc65
"YTA. Honestly, I don't really get it when people expect their MOH or Best Man to do a bunch of prep work for your wedding. I was the best man for my brother's wedding, and while I planned some stuff for his bachelor party weekend and had to prepare a little speech during the ceremony, that's about it."
"If you want your wedding to be a certain way, then make it happen without offloading a bunch of work onto your friends. That's what the wedding planner is for!"
"If she's your lifelong best friend and you knew her not being MOH would be hurtful, then you're the AH for not extending the offer just cuz you can't rely on her to do a bunch of logistical work for you for free." --Diligent_Asparagus22
Hopefully OP and her best friend can find a way through this.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.