Nothing comes between friends quite so easily as wedding plans. A woman on Reddit found herself in this situation when she offended her disorganized best friend with her decision not to allow her to be her maid of honor.
She wasn't sure about how she'd handled it, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Decent-Chemistry-533 on the site, asked:
"AITA for telling my best friend she is not my maid of honour"
She explained:
"I (25F[emale]) am getting married next year. My friend (25F) and I have been best friends since elementary school. I sent out little gift boxes asking all my close friends to be my bridesmaids."
"She was a little confused and asked who was the maid of honour. I told everyone that I don't plan on having one and we can organise everything all together. She was incredibly upset."
"Here's the thing, I would love her to be my maid of honour. But, she isn't really capable of being one. She has very poor time management and is the most unorganised person on the planet."
"Everything is left to the last possible moment. She has been fired from her jobs multiple times for never being on time and really struggles with responsibility."
"I really don't want to be stressing about my wedding and worrying about her being organised. She would take on the all the tasks of being a maid of honour but ultimately drop the ball."
"I didn't want to tell her she could be one without all the planning because I know it would be incredibly hurtful. She is struggling currently getting her life in order and telling her that she's not capable would probably break her."
"AITA for not making her my maid of honour? I really don't know if this was actually the best choice"
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who's in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And some of them understood OP's point of view.
"NTA - You have a clear vision of your experience ledding up to your big day. By not making her MOH you have now avoided the stress and disappointment of dealing with her."
"Sometimes we have to pull up our big girl panties, and do what needs to be done, and you did that !" --Drip_Like_Chocolate
"NTA but has anyone ever taken your friend aside and suggested she get evaluated for ADHD? It may save the rest of her life" --Alternative_Year_340
"NTA"
"Planning a wedding is stressful enough so I cannot even imagine how it'd be like to have someone proven to be irresponsible with such role in it. It's a call for more stress and disaster." --andwhataboutititties
But many others thought her expectations were way out of line, and called her out for her choice.
"I think YTA actually. There's no reason why you can't do all of the organizing as a group, and still have her be your Maid of Honor."
"The role of MoH is not meant to replace an event planner; it annoys me to no end when brides say 'well this person who is incredibly important to me is unable to take on all of the mindless and stressful organizational tasks I expect her to do, so she can't be my MoH.' No. Stop."
"A maid of honor is an honorific role meant to symbolize your dearest friend / relative. Their role is to hold your bouquet, and stand next to you at the altar, and maybe do a reading or give a speech at the reception."
"Their role is to stand by you like they've always stood by you, and cheer you up if you get overwhelmed, and help you through the various stresses and awkward scenarios that inevitably come with planning a wedding, in their own way (whatever that looks like). And they're there for the fun stuff too!"
"But they are NOT your personal assistant and people herder. This is your wedding, and if you want a bridal shower and a bachelorette party and all the rest, and you think your BFF won't do an adequate job to meet your needs, then you can find another way to organize it. Which you've already done!"
"I fail to see the problem with giving your friend the title and letting her know how special she is to you; all you're doing now is signaling to her that her friendship is only worth as much as her organization skills (so, nothing worth recognizing)." --wolfholler
"It also seems like kind of a dick move to not even talk about this with her best friend before sending out the bridesmaid invites. And this:"
"'I told everyone that I don't plan on having one and we can organise everything all together.'"
"Makes it seem like she told best friend she wasn't going to be maid of honor in front of all the other bridesmaids."
"It would be reasonable if OP was trying to handle a difficult person who unreasonably expected to be maid of honor, but for a long time best friend it's kind of cold." --looc65
"YTA. Honestly, I don't really get it when people expect their MOH or Best Man to do a bunch of prep work for your wedding. I was the best man for my brother's wedding, and while I planned some stuff for his bachelor party weekend and had to prepare a little speech during the ceremony, that's about it."
"If you want your wedding to be a certain way, then make it happen without offloading a bunch of work onto your friends. That's what the wedding planner is for!"
"If she's your lifelong best friend and you knew her not being MOH would be hurtful, then you're the AH for not extending the offer just cuz you can't rely on her to do a bunch of logistical work for you for free." --Diligent_Asparagus22
Hopefully OP and her best friend can find a way through this.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.