When someone is asked to be a bride-to-be's maid of honor, the distinction is, well, an honor.
That said, it comes with a lot of responsibilities, which some people find daunting.
Others, however, take the job in stride, and can't wait to get cracking on their duties.
Sometimes, however, they forget that their primary duty is to ensure the bride is happy.
Redditor Different_Stress_798 was recently alerted that her maid of honor (MOH) had planned her bachelorette trip.
Nice as the gesture was, the announcement surprised the original poster (OP).
It was an even bigger surprise to the rest of the OP's bridesmaids.
When the OP expressed her and her bridesmaids' surprise at the trip, her MOH proved anything but understanding.
Fearing she may have come off as ungrateful, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"My MOH planned my bachelorette without consulting with anyone else and is now mad at me I didn’t defend her. AITAH?"
The OP explained why she didn't show instantaneous excitement about the bachelorette weekend her MOH had planned:
"My MOH took it upon herself to plan my bachelorette trip without discussing it with any of my bridesmaids."
"The place was one of the places I said I would possibly want to go, it’s a beachy island but doesn’t have tropical weather so it has cold/snowy winters, and warmer summers."
"She booked it in the beginning of may which will be freezing there since it’s an island and will be spring time still."
"She put it in the group chat, basically telling all my bridesmaids she booked it and here are the days, and said she paid for the Airbnb, so to send the money when they can."
"One of the bridesmaids pushed back a little and said she wishes that the bridesmaids would have been communicated with for their input as well because what if those dates don’t work for someone and also the whole point of going to this place is that it’s a beachy vibe with pools and outdoor bars."
"She asked if there was a way we could change the dates."
"My MOH texted me separately and said 'u better check her before I do'."
"She then responded in the group chat to her and said that she cleared everything with me and that it IS what I want."
"Which, nothing was really cleared with me."
"I was told 5 mins before it was sent in the group chat, after she had already booked it."
"When she told me, I did say that the place was going to be cold, and I don’t think people are going to be able to make it if the dates weren’t discussed beforehand."
"My MOH said 'damn, can’t you just say thank you and stop worrying about everyone else?! If they want to be there, they will. I planned this 8 months in advance so everyone has time to figure it out.”
"My bridesmaid and MOH kind of went back and forth for a little in messages, and then I talked to my bridesmaid and she said she wasn’t trying to come off sh*tty at first; she just genuinely wished that any of it was communicated with them."
"I responded privately to my MOH and said that I understand a little where she’s coming from about the communication and that I don’t think my bridesmaid was trying to come off sh*tty after speaking with her but her texts definitely seemed that way so I can understand why she got upset."
"Now, my MOH is ignoring me."
"I am almost 100% sure she is mad at me because I didn’t fully back her/defend her in the group chat and privately, and now I am just feeling like I am an ungrateful friend/bride."
"She didn’t have to plan any of it, or put her money up front for it so I am appreciative of that, but I do wish she would’ve communicated with everyone else because everyone has lives/budgets/opinions."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP should not have defended her MOH.
Everyone agreed that the OP's MOH seemed to forget that a bachelorette weekend should be what the bride, not the MOH, wants, with many urging the OP to seriously consider whether she still wanted her to be her MOH:
"NTA."
"Is it your wedding or hers?"
"Like for real."- BleepInTheBigCity
"Demote her, seriously…"- Equivalent_Lemon_319
"You need to demote the MOH and take control of your own wedding."
"Stop letting her speak for you."
"So many of these MOH issues could be avoided if the bride would just TALK TO HER BRIDESMAIDS instead of letting some MOH-zilla control everything and make everyone miserable."
"They're your friends and guests, not your ladies-in-waiting."
"Get MOH out of the wedding party, she's awful."- the-mortyest-morty
"NTA."
"I've been involved in several bachelor parties."
"Usually you try to talk to everyone first to make sure they can make it on that date."
"It also helps workshop the ideas around where you're going and what you're doing."
"She did none of this and just decided when and where on her own."- GlobiestRob
"NTA."
"You picked a sh*tty person to be your MOH."
"Why did you do that?"- Lov3I5Treacherous
"NTA."
"You (She) can't plan a trip for people without consulting them!"
"You are being put in a difficult position by your MOH, the person who is meant to have nothing in mind but what you want and shielding you from stress."
"Instead, she's creating that stress."
"A calm conversation might help, but it sounds like she isn't handling things well so far... does she like your bridesmaids?"
"Has this surprised you or made you realize that actually this is totally in character for her to just do what she wants?"- 21stcenturycatlady
"You don’t have to be that appreciative of this 'gesture'."
"Just because someone did something they think was nice, you don’t owe them gratitude."
"She did it all wrong and was rude to everyone, including you."- climbtheworldd
"Let MOH be mad; she needs to learn from her actions lol she was way out of line."- moth-peach
"NTA, who books for other people without checking if they can make it?"- Individual_You_6586
"A beachy place when the weather’s still cold?"
"Why would anyone want to go there?"
"And not checking dates and costs with the others is just arrogant."- FormerlyDK
"NTA."
"You have a super sh*tty MOH."- Professional_Run_506
"NTA."
"I say this with love and respect; it is YOUR wedding, you are ALLOWED to push back on this. It doesn't matter how much she spent, she is spending it on an event that is meant to be for you specifically, to celebrate you on your special day, and then she did not consult you or the other bridesmaids on it."
"Are there other places in the wedding (and in your life in general) where this MOH does things like this?"
"Gestures that seem well-meaning but they make you uncomfortable, but because she was just trying to be 'nice' or 'helpful' you feel like you can't push back?"- epifauna__
"NTA."
"Are you sure she isn't planning a trip she's always wanted under the guise of a bachelorette trip."- courtneyisfakeaf
"God, your MOH sounds like a mean person, a bit of a bully, and exhausting."
"NTA."- ParticularHappy6587
"NTA."
"Is she always so self-centered?"- Prestigious_Elk353
"You really threw the bridesmaid under the bus there; your MOH is 100% in the wrong, and you are tiptoeing around trying to apologize for someone calling her out on her sh*tty behavior."
"The minute she sent you that text about the bridesmaid needing be ‘checked’ you should have dealt with MOH."
"How you think she has any kind of point is baffling me, is a two-person trip with her what you actually want, because that’s what you are going to get."- TequilaMockingbirds8
"Dude you need to dump her as your maid of honor."
"Let her deal with the financial consequences on her own."- OtherwiseLuck8920
"All I can say is WTF is it with brides thinking a big trip for a bachelorette party is appropriate?"
"I was always talking to my college roommate, and we were so happy it wasn’t a thing when she got married."
"No one wants to spend that money on a trip away from home."
"Just have a 4 day wedding weekend if you must - Thursday night parties with your bridesmaids and groomsmen, Friday to recover and relax, do a rehearsal if needed, Saturday wedding, and return home Sunday."
"Have a family brunch without wedding party if appropriate."
"And for Pete’s sake, make it an accessible location if you want people to attend."
"And no expensive one-time-use dresses or silk PJs for bonding."- WoollyMammothwapo
It would be one thing if the OP's MOH wanted to surprise her.
Instead, it seems she just took the liberty of planning everything herself, without considering whether this would work for anyone else.
Drastic as it may seem, the OP might want to consider demoting her, as this kind of behavior doesn't bode well for the wedding weekend.
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