It’s very easy to find yourself in an “eye-for-an-eye” mentality.
Hell-bent on giving people who wronged you their “just desserts,” as it were.
However, as satisfying as revenge may seem, it seldom pays off.
Particularly if the offending parties don’t actually deserve what’s coming to them.
Redditor PerfectAffect9213 had not gotten over her older sister letting her down on a very important day.
As a result, when the original poster (OP)’s sister requested her support, the OP flatly refused.
Not hiding her reasons for doing so from her sister.
Having some doubts as to whether or not she made the right decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my sister I wont be her maid of honor because she didnt come to my wedding due to her dog dying?”
The OP explained why she felt anything but obligated to be her sister’s maid of honor:
“So I (28 F[emale]) got married last year.”
“It was a small but beautiful ceremony with our closest family and friends.”
“My older sister (32 F[emale]) and I have always had a complicated relationship. We’re close, but she’s also extremely emotional and kind of dramatic.”
“She was supposed to be my maid of honor.”
“Two days before my wedding, her 14-year-old dog passed away unexpectedly.”
“I was obviously sympathetic, but she called me sobbing, saying she couldn’t emotionally handle coming to the wedding because she was too devastated.”
“I tried to talk her down, even offered to have someone bring her home early if it was too much, but she refused and didn’t show up.”
“It hurt.”
“A lot.”
“She missed one of the biggest days of my life, and I had no maid of honor.”
“We didn’t talk much after that.”
“A few months ago, she got engaged and just last week asked me to be her maid of honor.”
“I told her I couldn’t.”
“I said I still felt hurt she missed my wedding, and while I love her, I just couldn’t pretend like everything was fine.”
“She got extremely upset, said I was being cold and petty, and that her dog was like her child.”
“Our parents are pressuring me just to be the bigger person.”
“I honestly don’t know anymore.”
“AITA for saying no?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not being her sister’s maid of honor.
Some felt whether or not the OP was the a**hole depended on her reasons for saying no:
“If you’re doing this out of spite, then YTA.”
“If you are sincerely declining because you don’t want to uphold all the duties & obligations of being the maid of honor, then NTA.”- Youwhooo60
Others didn’t think there were any a**holes in this situation, feeling the OP’s sister probably made the right call pulling out if she was overcome with grief, but also feeling if the OP didn’t think she could adequately fulfill her duties, she did the right thing by saying no as well:
“NAH.”
“It was very bad timing but no one’s fault.”
“She would have been a terrible MOH while dealing with that initial grief, so it’s probably for the best she wasn’t there sobbing next to you.”
“It sounds like she never acknowledged how much her absence hurt you though.”
“If you can’t be there for her in good conscience, then declining is appropriate. However, the bitterness you hold against her won’t be satisfied.”- RealTalkFastWalk
“Might be controversial, but I’m going to say NAH.”
“She’s allowed to grieve her dog and be emotional.”
“It may have been for the best that she wasn’t there.”
“You’re allowed to be hurt she wasn’t at your wedding.”
“I do think you could be kinder in the way you speak about her, but I can also imagine that comes from a place of frustration.”- Neither_Ad_173
Then some felt the OP was justified in refusing to be her sister’s maid of honor, owing to their altered relationship which the OP’s sister was responsible for changing:
“I planned my wedding for a year and a half.”
“The entire time planning I was worried because my favorite Aunt and Godmother had a dying dog.”
“I figured with a year and a half before the wedding, it wouldn’t likely be an issue.”
“Well my Aunt couldn’t handle putting the dog down until it got to the point that the dog was in agony.”
“She finally did put him down, and it was the literal week of my wedding.”
“Her dog was her baby, she never was able to have kids, and she was devastated.”
“But she never once considered missing my wedding because of it.”
“I told her the same thing you told your sister.”
“That she could leave early if she needed to.”
“That it was OK if she cried during the wedding about her dog because I understand how hard it is to lose a pet.”
“Our entire family rallied around her and made sure she had support at any point she needed it that day.”
“I wasn’t mad or jealous that she took attention away from me on my wedding day because I love her and I wanted her to be well taken care of.”
“I never took any pictures with her because she wasn’t feeling up to it, and I didn’t care because she was still there for me on my wedding day.”
“It’s been years, and she regrets not taking any pictures together that day.”
“Even though she knows it was because she was puffy-eyed and sad, she hates that she’s the only one in the family who doesn’t have a picture of that day with me.”
“Her grief was and is very real, but it’s the only wedding I’ll ever have (hopefully lol), and she lost out on having a picture with me in my wedding dress (which she bought for me as a wedding gift).”
“I understand your sister was devastated, but her actions altered your relationship forever.”
“You are allowed to keep her at arm’s length because she missed the biggest day of your life.”
“You do not owe her the courtesy she couldn’t give you for her wedding.”
“Keep your boundaries and protect your peace.”
“And one day, you may come to regret your decision, but that’s your burden if it does happen.”
“Overall NTA.”- WatchTheGoldenGirls
“Why is it always the person who was wronged that is expected to be the bigger person?”
“She’s lucky you didn’t say yes and then back out two days before the wedding.”
“NTA.”- thisisstupid-
“NTA.”
“My Dad died 5 days before my nieces wedding, we ALL went including my Mom.”
“It was hard, but it was the right thing to do.”
“Your sister sucks.”- ucancallmevicky
“You don’t need to go through her wedding seething with resentment and rethinking bitter memories.”
“NTA.”
“No is a full sentence.”
“Actions have consequences, and she should have sucked it up for your big day.”-
Fluffy_Job7367
While a few thought the OP was the a**hole, finding her reasons for not being her sister’s maid of honor were petty and spiteful:
“Gently, YTA.”
“I think she couldn’t win, really.”
“It was only 2 days after her dog passed.”
“She wasn’t ready.”
“Either she skips your wedding, and you’re mad about that, or she comes to your wedding, breaks down, and ends up drawing attention whether she really intends to or not.”
“You’d probably be even madder about that.”
“The fact of the loss sucks, and the disruptive timing sucks, too.”
“It’s rough losing a beloved pet.”
“And it’s a disenfranchised loss – the reaction of too many is that it’s ‘just’ a dog, ‘just’ a cat, etc.”
“While it’s not the same as a parent or a child, it’s still a significant loss – especially so soon after the fact.”
“And it’s a being, a life you were responsible for, you know?”
“It can be a complicated grief because there’s often a guilt which comes with it, rational or not.”
“You don’t just bounce back in 2 days.”
“I think that’s what she was trying to express by saying the dog was like her child.”
“As a society, we don’t tend to give people nearly enough grace for grieving the loss of a pet.”
“For her wedding, you don’t feel like you can fulfill the duties.”
“So don’t.”
“But please don’t let it be out of spite.”
“I’m so sorry your wedding was affected by the loss of her dog.”
“I wish you’d resisted the impulse to make sure it impacts her wedding, too.”
“Now she’s grieving all over again, not just the dog, but the damage to your relationship, which is so clearly linked to that, when she should be preparing for her own wedding.”- PinkNGreenFluoride
The OP has every right to be hurt by her sister’s leaving her high and dry on her big day.
But the OP should ask herself whether refusing to be her sister’s maid of honor will make her feel better.
After all, unlike the OP, her sister ultimately didn’t back out of the wedding out of malice or revenge.