Most of us have known a bride or a groom who focused way too much on the aesthetics of their wedding, rather than their love for each other and sharing the moment with the other loved ones in their lives.
Bridesmaids are impacted by this far more than groomsmen typically are, between expectations around hair, dress, and makeup; behavior before, during, and after the wedding; and of course, not upstaging the bride, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor LogUpbeat893 had been friends with Lola for several years, included her as a bridesmaid in her wedding, and was expected to be the Maid of Honor for Lola's.
But when Lola started making all kinds of demands that made the Original Poster (OP) feel like she was stripping her of her identity, by dressing her in clothes she didn't like, and expecting her not to wear her own wedding ring to the event, she questioned if being Maid of Honor was right for her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by not wanting to be Maid of Honor, because my friend wants me to remove my personality for her wedding?"
The OP was invited to be her friend's Maid of Honor, but she felt conflicted.
"I am supposed to be the Maid of Honor for my friend, Lola's, wedding next summer."
"My husband and I recently moved overseas, so I am long-distance friends with Lola now, but we have been close for a few years, and I plan on traveling back to be in her wedding."
"She was also a bridesmaid in my own wedding."
The OP noticed a serious change in Lola's personality since she started planning her wedding.
"Since getting engaged, Lola has been kind of putting me on edge in general."
"She's asking me for help with every little thing, which is fine, but then she rejects all my ideas, tells me she hates my suggestions, and constantly says that her wedding has to be different and better than mine was."
"She has made some weird comments, such as that my wedding is her 'bare minimum' or that hers has to be 'at least as good as mine' and such."
"She will ask for my opinion on something, to which I will tell her what I think, and then she will completely change her mind just to disagree with whatever I said."
"On top of that, she's honestly copying a lot of the things that I did at my wedding, including booking the same photographer, wanting the same dress style, and a few other things, even though she had never previously expressed interest in those details..."
"She even recently started going to my tattoo artist and got a large tattoo that looks similar to my own, and in the same spot. When I got my tattoo, I had specifically joked about how I had to finish it before my wedding so it would look good in photos... and now she's saying the same thing."
"The whole thing just feels weird, but I can't tell if I'm overthinking. It's not like I own the rights to certain tattoos or wedding vendors, but it just feels odd that she has done so many of the same things that I did."
"Overall Lola is just being very strange, contrary, and controlling. But it's her wedding, and I know that many brides tend to act this way because they are stressed and overwhelmed. I'm trying my best to just be supportive and helpful even if she has been kind of off lately."
The OP became increasingly flustered by the wedding planning.
"Lola has recently picked out the color she wants for her bridesmaids' dresses, and of course, no problem, I'm happy to wear whatever color she wants."
"Initially, she had told me that all the girls could pick their own dress style, as long as it was the color and fabric she wanted. This was the same thing I did for my wedding."
"I immediately went to the website to browse, took screenshots of the ones I liked, and sent them to her. She said she didn't like any of them, which I was bummed about, but again, it's her wedding, so whatever."
"She then sent me a few options that she approved of, and they weren't great. They were mostly looser, shapeless options, which I don't love because I wouldn't have as much support."
"I'm a curvier gal, and I really love when dresses have built-in support; otherwise, I would feel a bit exposed, and frankly, they were just unflattering silhouettes."
"I tried to tell her this, and she seemed annoyed. I asked point blank if she wanted me to cover up my chest, and she said it wasn't about that, but that all the styles I liked (which have a supportive bodice, typically with a corset or some sort of boning) looked 'too much like wedding dresses.'"
"Frankly, I think that's absolutely ridiculous. After a bit of back and forth, she said she would probably just end up picking the dresses for us, or pick a handful and let us 'fight it out' to decide who gets which one."
"I'm just a bit annoyed that she changed her mind. Why tell me that I could choose my own style, and then not actually mean it?"
"At this point, I decided I was just being dramatic. It's one day, and I'll wear the unflattering dress for one day. I decided to move on and follow up about it later."
Then Lola made the wedding planning personal.
"But then, she started telling me that she also wants me to wear only gold jewelry for the wedding, as well as not wear my usual makeup or wear my hair down."
"For context, I am heavily tattooed/somewhat alt, and wear silver jewelry (including my wedding ring). I have several ear piercings, all silver jewelry."
"My usual makeup is pretty basic, but I do wear a small amount of dark eyeshadow as liner and black mascara, but nothing too bold or goth. My hair is long and blonde, and I always wear it down for events."
"I don't think my look is too crazy, but she says she wants me to 'match everyone else.' All of her other bridesmaids have dark hair and wear gold jewelry."
"But like... I feel like it's pretty egregious to ask me to take off all my usual jewelry (including earrings that I don't typically take out, and my literal WEDDING RING?) just to 'match everyone else'..."
"I also don't want to have to buy dozens of pieces of gold jewelry (on top of the thousands of dollars my husband and I are already spending to be at their wedding at all) that I will never wear again."
"That combined with her request that I not wear my usual hair and makeup, and wear a dress that looks like a sack... I guess I'm just bothered that she is wanting me to look like someone I'm not, even if it's just for one day. It almost feels like she wants her bridesmaids to look bad on purpose."
The OP considered dropping out of the wedding.
"Would I be overreacting if I told her I wasn't willing to do all that? I understand letting her pick my dress, even if it's a style I don't like, but I feel like asking me to remove my jewelry and change my hair and makeup is just kind of pushing it..."
"I absolutely do not want to go the whole event without wearing my own wedding ring."
"I feel like she's projecting some insecurities onto me. Should I just suck it up and do what she says to make her happy?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they would have already bailed without a second thought.
"I barely got through a third of that before I was thinking, 'I wouldn't be involved in her wedding anymore...'"
"By the halfway point, I wouldn't even be GOING to the wedding. NOR." - Flimsy-Car-7926
"NOR. If anything, you're underreacting, because I would have bailed as soon as I got the first comments about her wedding having to be better than yours was, and yours was the 'bare minimum.'"
"Do friends really talk to each other that way? Supposed to be the happiest day of your life, and she s**ts all over it." - geekroick
"NOR, and I say this with kindness, but why are you spending so much and doing so much for someone who doesn't like you? You deserve SO much better." - tphatmcgee
"Uh, yeah, while writing this comment, I am your work supervisor, and I've just gotta say, I think you’re too busy at work to come and will have to pass on helping her........ NOR!" - Glad'Match'4317
"NOR. If it were me, I'd be setting my boundaries, and if she won't compromise, I'd step down as MOH."
"Asking you to buy whole new jewelry is insanity. Things are already expensive for bridesmaids with a whole new dress and travel."
"The whole 'I need my wedding to be better than yours' thing is so ridiculous. Golly. I'd never say that to a friend. That's so tacky. And insensitive. Ew." - Lickerbomper
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to use this moment to perform a friendship audit.
"NOR. She's jealous of you, and your wedding. Hence why she's choosing an unflattering dress for you, and jewellery/make up/hair that doesn't suit you."
"She's scared you'll look better than her. You can either suck it up and not care about not looking as pretty as you could, or tell her off."
"I think it's important to review your friendship, though. Has she only been like this during the wedding planning, or previously as well? Does she try to one-up you in other areas of life?" - Dutchmuch5
"That's not a friend. She's one of those people who puts others down to make themselves feel good. I used to have a 'friend' like that, and when I said goodbye to her, a massive weight lifted off my shoulders."
"You deserve a friend that cheers you on and wants you to look your best. No doubt there will be snarky comments during the wedding, little stabs underwater, how you were difficult choosing a dress, how her wedding is better than yours, etc."
"If you haven't booked yet, I'd spend that money on a nice holiday instead with your husband!" - VegetableBusiness87
"I had a friend like this. In hindsight, I think she struggled to be her own person because of some family trauma."
"We would sometimes share clothes, and she would sometimes try to just keep mine. Eventually, the boyfriend she talked s**t about and I broke up… and she went after him immediately. They are now married."
"I wish them no ill will; I was done with him for a reason… but I definitely didn’t need to stay friends with her after that." - MonicaLane
"First she’s saying yours is her 'bare minimum,' and then she’s saying 'it at least had to be as good as yours,' so which is it?! Is yours her bare minimum? Because if it was, she wouldn’t say it at least has to be as good as yours."
"She’s f**king weird, insecure, and threatened by you; the girl is unhinged."
"I mean, she literally got almost the same tattoo as you did in the same size and same placement and is saying the same thing as you, like, 'I need to be finished before the wedding so the pictures look good!' I would be f**king terrified and creeped out if my 'friend' did that."
"In fact, it would be an instant block and NOPE to being in the wedding party and NOPE to attending the wedding." - Several-Lawfulness78
"She’s being very competitive with you. Unfortunately, some people are just like this. But it means you’ll keep being her punching bag so she can make herself feel better."
"Personally, I think you should move on from this friendship. Just tell her that you’re not sure you’re going to be able to travel back for the wedding, that you can’t be part of the wedding party."
"You don’t need this level of drama!" - Local_Gazelle538
The subReddit was alarmed on the OP's behalf by how she'd been treated and what she'd allowed during her friendship. As nice as it might be to help the bride have a wonderful wedding day, it shouldn't come at the price of a person's identity or personal wishes.
Some brides lean too heavily into their wedding aesthetic, leaving little room for anything genuine or authentic that day, and this bride seemed to be next in line.
