We all have certain possessions which hold such value to us, that we either never let them out of our sight, or always keep them under lock and key, to make sure nothing happens to them.
While these possessions might, indeed, have substantial financial value to them, it's the sentimental value that keeps us glued to them.
As a result, when these things are lost or damaged, we might find ourselves getting unusually emotional.
Redditor SoloUnit2020 had been growing increasingly frustrated by their wife's constantly misplacing something which had emotional significance to both of them.
When the original poster (OP)'s wife seemed to lose it for good, she felt there was a solution that would ease her sadness just the tiniest bit.
Unluckily for her, the OP was less than eager to do this for her.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for not replacing my wife's wedding ring that she lost?"
The OP explained why they were hesitant to replace their wife's wedding ring after she lost it.
"My wife had a tendency to leave her wedding ring in very strange places, on our second bathroom sink, the kitchen counter, a shelf next to the kitchen sink."
"I told her multiple times that if she leaves the ring laying around in these more active areas, one of our young children could grab it, or it could get knocked off the counter."
"Sure enough, eventually, she did lose it for good."
"I helped her tear the house apart in hopes that we'd find it, but we had no luck."
"I asked her when she lost it, and she said it was a couple of weeks ago."
"I was completely dumbfounded, and her response was that she didn't want to acknowledge that she lost it, so she put off looking for it."
"She asked if she could get a replacement ring."
"I told her no because I told her in the past to put her wedding ring up on the mantle or in her locked jewelry box so the kids couldn't get it."
"Then we also found one of the nice necklaces I bought her in the bathroom drain when we were searching for the ring."
"I told her she obviously doesn't value her jewelry, so at this point, I don't see a necessity to spend money on items she's not going to take care of."
"AITA for not replacing this ring?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to replace their wife's wedding ring.
Everyone agreed that the OP was correct in believing that their wife didn't value their ring, or any of their jewelry, enough to get it replaced, with some suggesting that if they do decide to replace it, they should replace it with a less valuable ring.
"NTA."
"She lost her ring at, or around, the sink."
"If you do choose to get another ring in the future, maybe invest in a removable, wide-brimmed steel mesh sink strainer."
"It could help catch the ring before it goes down the drain."
"This isn't a perfect solution, but maybe it could help."- KaraFromKrypton
"NTA."
"She didn't even notice that necklace gone?"
"And it was weeks before she admitted she lost her ring?"
"I'm willing to bet she didn't even realize she lost the ring for DAYS."
"So irresponsible."- laetum-helianthus
"Completely NTA."
"She wants another ring?"
"Go get one of the rubbery ones that athletic people use, or some of the construction guys use."
"They're cheap and stand in place of the ring, and you can break or lose them without being out a ton of money."
"This is on her."
"She had something nice and didn't take care of it."- Lurkingentropy
"NTA."
"You did what you could in terms of trying to prevent the problem."
"And you weren't even brought into helping until it was too late after the ring was originally lost."
"Having said that, why not replace what may have been a very expensive ring with a new ring that is less expensive?"
"Perhaps a CZ rather than a diamond, or gold-plated rather than solid gold?"
"I'm sure she feels bad, and wearing a symbol of her marriage may be important to her."-BookOfGoodIdeas
"NTA."
"BUT those are very normal places to have to take off your ring."
"Maybe she should have had a designated small dish or something to place them in, but clearly, she doesn't care of her other jewelry either."
"Sucks to suck!"- LusciousLouLou
"NTA."
"Losing a ring once is a bummer."
"Losing multiple pieces of jewelry is a pattern."
"It sounds like she's taking it off to wash her hands?"
"Which is normal but that means you have to remember to put it back on."
"However, you could simply get an inexpensive ring for everyday use."- No-Locksmith-8590
"NTA."
"I have ADHD and can be careless/ lose things a lot, but I am super careful with my ring because it's important to me."
"Maybe you can compromise and buy a cheap ring?"- pspspsps04
"NTA."
"She lost it, and she might lose the new one at some point as well."
"So why would you invest a lot of money into buying a new ring for her."- HeadHunter1956
"NTA."
"My husband left his wedding ring on the table where our then 18-month-old could get it."
"£500 palladium band with our initials and wedding date engraved."
"Never found it."
"Bought two silicone and one tungsten ring replacement. He lost them too."
"I now keep his 'nice occasions' cheap silver ring in my jewelry box, and he has to give it back to me after the occasion."
"No sympathy for people who leave precious things about when they have been warned it'll go missing (we had occasions before where I found it down the sides of the sofa, in the bathroom, etc)."- knittingneedles321
"NTA."
"It's heartbreaking losing something you care about, so I understand wanting a replacement."
"I also understand they're expensive, and not everyone has access to Scrooges Vault."
"I have a $25 band because I'm pretty sure it'll get lost."
"That's the compromise for people like me, who lose stuff."
"It was my choice, so I could easily replace it."- Grand-Corner1030
"NTA."
"Why spend a lot of money on something that isn't going to be taken care of?"- C_Majuscula
"NTA."
"This isn't a one-time incident; it's a pattern."
"Your wife lost her wedding ring and necklace, indicating she neglects her jewelry."
"You even warned her to be careful, but she ignored your advice, so you are NTA for refusing to replace the ring."
"Chances are she would lose the new ring, anyway."- CavalloScuro
There were a select few, however, who felt that while the OP was justified in not wanting to replace their wife's ring, they might have been a little hard on her for losing it.
"It sounds to me like you're hurt by her lack of apparent care for the most tangible symbol of your love and marriage (other than, you know, the kids)."
"That's a totally natural way to feel, but that feeling warrants a meaningful conversation, not the blanket refusal to purchase another ring."
"I'm going with NAH."
"Some people are just prone to losing things, no matter how much you remind them to take care, and you're allowed to have your feelings about the loss of the ring."
"Conversation is the way to go here, though."- DianatheVeryInsane
"I guess you'll have to decide how you want your relationship to roll."
"There are a lot of options."
"You could tell her you don't want her to feel bad about losing something and would she like to wear something inexpensive every day?"
"Or you could tell her that her issues with losing things means she doesn't deserve nice things, so she should buy it herself."
"The way you talk to her about this is going to say a lot about how you value your relationship."
"You could help install or choose some ring holders around your sinks."
"There are so many ways you could respond."
"I think you should take some time to think about what you really feel and what you want."-Zealousideal_Bag2493
The OP later returned with an update, sharing that they came up with what they believed was a fair compromise and clarifying the situation a little bit more.
"I happened to find the same ring for a significantly less amount of money on eBay from what seems to be a trusted jeweler with over 5500 customer reviews and 99.7% positive feedback."
"My plan is to give it to her after a couple of years when she demonstrates that she can take care of her stuff."
"For everyone that said that the location wasn't random because it's where you wash your hands."
"It was because she's generally not doing dishes or washing her hands."
"She takes it off when she gets home, and she only wears it out."
"So the placement could have been in her locked jewelry box on her way to the shower."
Losing your wedding ring is, indeed, a very frustrating thing to go through.
Perhaps why the OP's wife was so determined to have it replaced is her desire to symbolize her love and commitment to the OP.
While the ring can be replaced, however, the significance behind the original can not.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp