Redditor Unsure How To Tell Grieving Friend She's Asking Too Much After Husband Passed Away

We want to be there for our friends when they are going through a hard time.

No matter how much we may want to help, there is only so much we can do.

That isn't easy for everyone to understand.

The friend of Redditor These-Succotash-7523 recently suffered a painful loss.

As a result, she found herself depending on the original poster (OP) for comfort.

While the OP wanted to be there for their friend, they found they couldn't be as present for her as she wanted.

Something this friend had trouble understanding.

Concerned about how they handled some things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here (AITAH).

Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.

The OP asked fellow Redditors:

"AITAH: Friend’s Husband Died and She Wants More From Me Than I Want to Give?"

The OP explained how they found themself in a very delicate situation with a dear friend:

"My spouse and I were very supportive during his illness."

"Helped them out a lot."

"We saw them maybe 8 times a year prior to his illness."

"He died about 4 months ago."

"I have invited her to join friends for dinner, had her to our place, invited her to a monthly club, encouraged her, have seen her about once a week or more, usually texting and/or calling her once or twice a week as well."

"She has indicated I am now 'it' for her (her person), and doesn’t seem satisfied with what I want to give."

"She has said things to me like, 'Why do you want to clean your own house?'”

"And 'I think you spend too much time caring for your grandkids'. (2 days a week.)"

"I respond by telling her that’s what I want."

"She also wants me to go on a long vacation with her, and I told her I would do a week; that’s it."

"I thought that was generous of me."

"I do care about her and want to maintain our friendship."

"She has no kids, but has family (that she doesn’t interact with much but who have def shown they are there for her) and she has maybe 4 other friends."

"She was really wrapped up in her spouse prior to his illness and had stopped a lot of activities for some reason."

"I am feeling a lot of pressure to do more."

"I don’t want to do more."

"I am retired, but have hobbies, family commitments, and help care for grandkids."

"I know she is going through a rough time. I have encouraged her to do other things and she is."

"Still doesn’t seem like enough."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

The Reddit community agreed that the OP was doing more than enough for their grieving friend.

Everyone agreed that the OP was helping her friend as much as she was able, and her friend needed to accept that everyone, including the OP, can only do so much:

"Don’t do more than you can or are willing to do."

"You’ve already done a lot."

"I have cancer and kidney disease, but I don’t expect my friends to devote all their free time to me."

"Neither should she."

"NTA."- BookishIntrovert99

"NTA."

"She needs a therapist, not a friend who gives her free therapy."

"I’m socially awkward; I wouldn’t know how to tell her any other than directly and gently, which would probably hurt her feelings anyhow, you try to put it."

"but it is your boundary; you are not responsible for how she receives it, and if she can’t accept what you’re able to give, she is not your friend, you are her buoy and could both drown."- JudyTheXmasElf

"NTA."

"Help her find grief groups for support."

"You can not take her husband's place."- tobethescarletwitch

"NTA."

"You have given her a lot of support."

"Unfortunately that may have led to a degree of unwanted and unjustified dependency."

"Try (kindly and politely) setting some boundaries with her."- PurpleEmotional1401

"NTA."

"Grief does funny things to people."

"And she seems like a person who only has the band with two really focus on one person at a time."

"Before, it was her husband."

"Now it’s you."

"And I want you to know that at some point, you are probably going to have to tell her:"

"You know, friend."

"I would really appreciate it if you would stop questioning me about why I spent so much time with my grandkids."

"Or why I want to clean my house."

"Or why I am choosing to do a different activity than something you might want me to do with that moment."

"I do care very much about you, but I do also still have my life that I have to take care of, so I can’t always be the one who can go on vacation with you."

"I can’t always be the one who can come over right when you’re wanting something or wanting to go do something."

"And I know that’s very hard because I know you’re lonely."

"But I do think you need to make sure to call other people as well."

"Your family members."

"Your other friends."

"Because we all want to be there for you, and it’s important that you take advantage of that."

"Because unfortunately, I’m simply not always going to be available, as much as I enjoy spending time with you."

"Yes, OP, that’s gonna hurt her feelings."

"And she’s gonna get mad."

"And she’s probably not gonna call you for a while."

"And that’s OK."

"Because the unfortunate reality, and one of the things that makes death so difficult for us, is that every day, ordinary life just keeps going."

"You know what I mean?"

"Here we are, at one of our lowest and most difficult points in life."

"And everyone else is going about their everyday lives as though nothing happened."

"The hardest thing for us to recognize is that it actually didn’t happen to them, and of course they are going to go about their daily lives."

"Because they need to."

"The other hardest thing for us is to be on our own without having people around because we do have to come to terms with our new reality and our new everyday lives."

"So what people will often do is what your friend is doing."

'Try to stay super busy by having other people around us."

"The problem is that when someone like your friend decides there’s only one friend they are very, very comfortable with, this is often the result."- mtngrl60

"She's trying to fill the space that her husband took up in her life, and is trying to make you fit."

"NTA. Help her get grief counseling, and encourage her to reach out to her other friends, too."

"You are not obligated to do more than you are comfortable giving, so stand firm."- babbsela

"NTA."

"You might need to just sit her down and have a very difficult honest conversation with her."

"Ask her why she pulled away from activities."

"See what she's interested in and try to help her get back to that."

"But set your boundaries, try to be gentle sometimes though you have to just lay it out."- bloo_monkey

"NTA."

"My husband died suddenly 3 weeks ago."

"I have lined up counseling, a widows group in my city that seems active, church and am tentatively stepping out socially."

"I know I have to find my new equilibrium and no one can do that for me."

"But I was also long aware that I have to take responsibility for my own physical, mental, and spiritual health, and anything less than that is trying to shove my burdens onto someone else."

"And that won't do anyone good long term."

"But I find few people understand that and only respond to their immediate pain and what will immediately relieve it."

"I get why she's acting the way she is but you're not TA for not wanting to take that burden."- katie_scarlett1

"NTA."

"It is not insensitive to your friend to set clear boundaries."

"Giving more than you want or are comfortable with is not healthy."

"How is this impacting your relationship with your spouse?"

"It almost sounds like she is treating you as a replacement husband."

"It isn't healthy."

"She needs either counseling or a grief support group."- whatevasasquatch

No doubt the OP's friend is feeling unusually lonely and vulnerable during this time.

Even so, as much as she must want to be surrounded by her nearest and dearest, they all have their own lives to live, which might prevent them from being with her every waking moment.

Hopefully, rather than relying on her current inner circle, the OP's friend might take this opportunity to expand her contact list and make new friends.