Boundaries are an important part of any type of relationship.
A lot of people respect others' boundaries; others do not.
Sometimes boundaries can be seen as rude.
But many people, for instance, parents, feel they can be a priority when having their children interact with others.
These instances can be the origin of a lot of drama.
Redditor AmethystNimrod wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
""AITA for not letting my son call my dad's gf Mamma (her 1st name)?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For the sake of this, let's call her Jackie."
"She wants to be called Mamma Jackie."
I F(emale) have an 8-month-old son."
"I kindly reached out to my dad's G[irl] F[riend] to ask if she would choose a new nickname instead of Mamma Jackie."
"She recently sent an Amazon gift, and the gift receipt said from Mamma Jackie."
"She also wrote it in books for him - we did a book gift request for our baby shower."
"They used to date about 15 years ago and got back together about 2 years ago."
"Here is our convo..."
"Me: Hey Jackie! Thanks again for the shoes and sunglasses; they are so cute!"
"We appreciate everything you guys do for us so much."
"I wanted to kindly ask if you could use a different nickname for yourself, though."
"I'd feel much more comfortable being the only one he calls Mom or Mamma."
"Thank you for understanding!"
"Her: Hi, I received your text yesterday."
"I appreciate where you’re coming from; you don’t want to confuse (my son)."
"I promise you, (my son) is not going to confuse us-regardless of our names."
"To give you some context, my siblings and I called my grandmother, 'Mama (last name).'"
"Additionally, I’ve been called 'Mama Jackie' for decades-long before you were born."
"I even have tech support (in India) calling me, 'Mama Jackie.'
"My two grandchildren in Vancouver know me as 'Mama Jackie,' and your son will as well."
"As you will discover, children tend to give grandparents their own names-for all we know, your son may call me 'random animal.'"
"So, with zero hostility and lots of love, I will not be changing my name."
"And now that you have some context, I’m sure you’ll understand why."
"Me: This is not about confusion."
"I appreciate the context, but respectfully, my son will not be calling you Mama Jackie."
"Her: With respect, you do not get to dictate how people will address me."
"Me: This is my son."
"I will not be reinforcing the use of the term mama with anyone other than myself."
"Her: You need to relax."
"You do not need to be adversarial."
"Not sure where this is coming from-clearly there may be a larger issue at hand that has nothing to do with me."
"I encourage you to reflect upon this."
"I’m offering all the love in the world to you (my husband) and (my son), and I will not be discussing this subject any further via text."
"Happy to have a rational conversation via phone if you wish."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA? I also want to return the gifts. Is that too far?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. As the mother, reserving 'Mama' or 'Mom' for yourself is a normal boundary to set." ~ Spectre_Omega
"Her being called mama by other relatives doesn’t mean OP has to accept the same title for her own child." ~ Suavelle-Themper
"It's not unusual for a grandparent or older person to have found family refer to them as Papa Joe or Mama Jolene."
"It's like calling folks Aunt(y) or Uncle with a first name attached - which was pretty common when I grew up, and I understand the tradition still holds in many parts of the world."
"It doesn't sound like the GF wants to be Mama; she wants to be Mama Jolene (or whatever)."
"There are a lot of battles out there; I don't know if this would be the hill I'd choose to die on, but I am not OP."
"I do think she should talk to her partner about her take and get his input, and they can respond together."
"There have been posts about a grandparent (or grandparent-adjacent) trying to be called by a typical parent's moniker - but I don't think that's the case here. I could be wrong." ~ 2dogslife
"NTA. Stop engaging, and correct your child if he does use it."
"She sounds like a manipulative a-hole. 'Please reflect on your deeper issues.'"
"No, ma'am, from now on you are going to be known by [first name, grandpa's special friend]." ~ FreuleKeures
"Agree with what everyone else is saying NTA, and just because 100 other people call her that doesn’t mean your son has to."
"My kids call my mom grandma and their cousins call her nana."
"No one is ever confused!!" ~ NotMyMonkies31
"NTA. Grandma Naked Mole Rat is off her rocker with those responses."
"It does not matter what other people call her; your child does not have to call her Mama (1st name)." ~ emalsa92
"My cousin has a dog called George."
"Some time later my other cousin (his sister) had a son, whom she decided to name George."
"I think there was then some annoyance on her part around them having the same name, and she wanted the dog to be 'Fluffy George' or similar."
"My cousin decided that instead of caving, he would refer to his nephew as 'fleshy George.'"
"It has stuck, and now even fleshy George’s siblings call him that."
"We all think it is absolutely hilarious, and his sister is more than a little annoyed by it."
"I do so love a deserved bad name."
"Grandma mole rat reminded me of this story." ~ MiniD011
"If she truly does tell loads of other people to also call her Mama (Name), then I think NAH."
"You're simply looking at it with wildly different perspectives."
"For her, it's her usual nickname for anyone younger than her; in your home, 'mama' is exclusively for a child's mother and feels like a crossed boundary." ~ Brief-Small
"My son wouldn’t be using any direct address because we’d not be spending any time with her."
"She will be a no-name stranger. NTA." ~ Daisy4853
"NTA. The fact of the matter is, you are the mother, and you can set boundaries."
"She is correct, though you do not have to be adversarial."
"Just accept the gifts as usual and teach your son to call her Grandma."
"If she has an issue with that, that means she was doing it on purpose." ~ Bored_Counsel42
"I don’t have kids, but correct me if I’m wrong."
"Is she going to be babysitting?"
"If not, would an 8-month-old even learn her name from her just from visits?"
"Can’t you just teach your son to address her by her first name?"
"She’s weird for that, but can’t you just disregard what she wants without a conversation with her?" ~ Top-Crab-1020
"I wouldn't have my kids calling a woman with that attitude and that relationship mamma anything either. NTA."
"But no need to get in a big fight about it."
"You know where she stands now."
"She's not even a relative."
"Just limit contact." ~ AcrobaticTrouble3563
"I feel like I'm the odd one out, but I kinda do think you're overreacting."
"It doesn't seem she was trying to be territorial or compete with you at all, but that may be how you're taking it?"
"If she'd just pulled the name out of thin air, then I'd say there's no need for her to be attached to it, but if her whole family already calls her that, it seems like it's just a known nickname and not that big of a deal."
"It seems she tried to explain that and be polite, but you pushed back cuz you kind of had your mind made up."
"Some things aren't worth causing a big stink over." ~ swbel
"I’m an aunty figure for a lot of my friends’ kids, my nieces and nephews, my cousins’ kids, etc."
"I have also been known to have a Mama prefix attached to my name, despite having no children of my own."
"I would absolutely never, EVER, expect or demand anyone use that prefix no matter how many other people might choose to!"
"If asked by a parent, I would immediately agree to whatever terms they felt suited them best."
"This lady sounds totally deranged."
"I’d put clear and determined distance between her and your family. NTA!" ~ The-Oxrib-and-Oyster
"NTA. I'm usually a big advocate of calling people what they want to be called, and I understand that this is cultural for her, but YOUR child is being raised in YOUR culture, and you don't want him calling anybody but you Mama."
"That's entirely reasonable, and you get to decide for your own children."
"I honestly wouldn't want my kids around someone unwilling to even have a conversation like that."
"If she can't respect you, she doesn't need to be anything to him." ~ Pristine-Bison3198
"NTA. She has no authority to dismiss you as your son's MOTHER, just because she's dating your father."
"Her telling you no is laughable."
"She doesn't even have the right ever to see your son unless you okay it."
"What's up with all the audacity? Dang." ~ always_ell
"NTA, but you are overreacting."
"She’s not naming herself that if other grandkids call her that."
"This isn’t a situation where your son is going to be living in two homes and not know who his real mother is."
"He’s going to see Mamma Jackie and associate her with being an old woman connected to his grandfather; if you’re all lucky, he’ll grow up with an extra grandparent." ~ Ryuj123
Reddit understands why you're upset, OP.
This is your child.
You get to set the boundaries.
That phone conversation will be interesting.
Good Luck.
