Discipling a child can be a difficult part of parenting.
There is no perfect method.
However, some ways don't seem effective.
Some ways can just seem... cruel.
Redditor Wise_Remote2601 found herself in a dilemma regarding her partner's parenting habits, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for trying to correct my partner's parenting style?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (25 F[emle]) partner (29 M[ale]) has his own way of parenting, which I’ve tried to respect, but I can’t tell if it’s bothering me because of my mom instincts, and I just don’t want my daughter (2 years-old) to be upset."
"My partner loves to rage-bait people, even me; it’s his favorite hobby ever, but he takes it to the extent of saying it’s necessary for emotional development."
"An example would be: we could be swimming in the pool; she’s sitting on the steps enjoying herself, and he just continuously splashes her in the face or wets her as she’s screaming for him to stop, and suddenly she wants to be clung to me and isn’t having fun anymore."
"I tell him to stop because we’re here having fun, but he says she needs to stop being a brat."
"Mind you, she is in the phase of saying no a lot, which is normal at this age, but besides that she is the most amazing baby I could’ve asked for; she’s so sweet, cleans up after herself, and always wants to help."
"No part of me sees a brat when we’re alone, but when he’s around, she instantly shuts down and becomes reactive."
"I notice it."
"I try to tell him that she should feel safe with him instead of not wanting to be near him because she knows he’s just gonna piss her off."
"He’s done the same to me when I was having a complete breakdown one day, and he followed right behind my steps as I kept asking him to leave me alone, chasing me back and forth, saying I needed this to learn how to regulate my emotions."
"Mind you, I was just crying because something had upset me, and when he shoved a finger in my face to annoy me more, I pushed it, ultimately bending it back slightly, and to this day he still talks about how unacceptable and abusive that was."
"Is this normal behavior?"
"How can I stop it or discuss?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. This isn't a 'parenting style,' this is just being cruel to a 2-year-old."
"And the fact that he does it to you too... that's not rage baiting, that's abuse." ~ Luciana___Leo
"NTA, please learn the difference between rage baiting and abuse."
"Your child withdraws into herself when her father is around."
"This goes past teasing and into abuse territory." ~ 1TiredPrsn
"Exactly. If a 2-year-old is already shutting down around him because it's clear to even that little one that he is not a safe person, then it's really bad."
"And probably P[ost]-T[raumatic] S[tress] D[isorder] in the making."
"OP, serious question: What are you actively doing to protect your precious little girl?"
"And no, using words that don't change anything does not count."
"Your little girl is still being abused, and you're letting her abuser get away with it." ~ melympia
"NTA. Your partner is abusive under the guise of calling it rage baiting."
"Your daughter is learning that her consent does not matter." ~ Mil1512
"Sweetie, he isn't rage baiting you and your baby."
"He is abusing you both."
"Please see this for what it is and get yourself and your daughter away from him." ~ readergirl35
"He's bullying a toddler to the point where she no longer trusts him."
"You shouldn't be 'trying to correct' that; you should be laying down the effing law and protecting your child, even if that means pitching his arse out into the streets."
"ESH, mostly him because only a monster bullies a toddler, but also you for allowing it to happen."
"That poor little girl." ~ unlovelyladybartleby
"NTA. That's basically bullying."
"Tell him to quit it, or you'll be forced to take action."
"A kid shouldn't be afraid to be herself around her dad."
"He is basically harassing her so much that she shuts down."
"And she is 2."
"You know what?"
"Just leave him at this point." ~ guys_pm_urprettyface
"Why are you staying with someone who loves to torment you and your daughter?"
"This isn't 'emotional development,' it's abuse."
"For the sake of your child, please leave."
"Don't raise her around someone like this, or it's going to have negative lifelong effects on her." ~ Caspian4136
"You’ll only be TA if you stay with this man and allow the abuse to continue."
"It will impact your daughter as she develops in ways that could continue to affect her into adulthood."
"Don’t stay with him and start recording this behavior so you can gain full custody."
"He is not a safe person for your daughter to be around." ~ CrabbyGremlin
"You don't teach a child emotional regulation by pushing them to their breaking point."
"You teach them emotional regulation by allowing them to experience emotional discomfort and then walking them through how to process those feelings."
"What he's really teaching her is that he is not a safe adult."
"He's overloading her with discomfort without giving her any opportunity to process."
"That's abusive, disgraceful behavior on his part."
"He sounds like a terrible person." ~ MargotFenring
"I'm so triggered by this."
"I had an abusive and bullying mother."
"My dad 'tried to stand up for me' and managed to do sh*t."
"By the time I was a teen, his only reply was a tired 'listen to your mother.'"
"As she informed me what a loser and piece of sh*t I am."
"I'm 45 and am still actively in trauma therapy."
"Please, please, please do something here to protect h our kid."
"Abuse will grow, and there may come a time you no longer have it in you to protect her or leave."
"You MUST deal with this before it reaches that point. NTA." ~ haley84200
"NTA. That is not 'rage baiting.'"
"That is not a 'parenting style.'"
"That is abuse and gaslighting."
"No means no."
"No is a complete sentence."
"Stop means stop immediately."
"He's not teaching you how to regulate emotions; he's teaching you not to have any."
"Leave him; if not for yourself, do it for your child." ~ Ill-Reflection165
"Your partner is a cruel bully."
"If he isn’t going to see it for himself, then you need to protect your daughter, and yourself, obviously."
"The world is not going to be nice to her; that should NOT start being evident with her own damn father."
"NTA. I don’t see this getting better if he has a track record of being a prick."
"I hope you have a good support system." ~ dgf2020
"Your husband needs to take a parenting class."
"This is bullying and abuse, not a 'parenting style.'”
"Is he your daughter’s bio dad?"
"This is a huge red flag, and it’s clear he uses this abuse tactic on you, too."
"I would leave."
"I hope he’s not the bio dad so that he can’t get any custody so he can abuse her like this when you can’t be there to support her and stop it." ~ TheRoadkillRapunzel
"You need to get your baby away from him."
"Have you told anyone in your life about this?"
"Because I want you to see how people react to this."
"You've got to understand that this is abuse."
"The fact that her demeanor changes around him is quite scary."
"She is already anticipating being bullied by him."
"Get yourself and your daughter away from him, OP."
"As quickly as possible. NTA." ~ WifeofBath1984
"NTA. You already updated that you went to your mom's house, but the hard part now is staying away from him."
"It’s a good idea to write down and date all the things he has done and said, because he WILL try to gaslight and/or lovebomb you and you’ll most likely start second-guessing yourself (which is what he wants)."
"I’m cheering you on, and sending you strength and compassion." ~ Cami_1
"NTA. Read the update, and I’m glad."
"Everyone else has covered that this is abusive, but I’ll add something else."
"I’m a father to two girls slightly older than yours, and this made me sick to my stomach."
"It’s so important to teach children (especially girls) that when they say 'no' or 'stop,' that it’s to be respected."
"He’s basically teaching her that her consent and feelings don’t matter, which is such a dangerous lesson for a young girl." ~ Omnio89
"Your partner is an abuser."
"He gets great pleasure in making his 2-year-old daughter cry."
"This is funny for him."
"There's no other solution than to separate and get full custody."
"This will only get worse, and your daughter is already traumatized."
"Watch how she reacts around him."
"At 2, she knows how she's supposed to treat her daddy, so she's going to try to display that."
"But she is already damaged."
"Please step up and protect your daughter." ~ waterstone55
OP gave an update...
"I’m left for my mom's the same morning as the post."
"Thank you for making me realize that not leaving is participating."
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is abusive behavior, and you and your daughter need safety.
It's great to hear that you're taking action.
Sorry that you're stuck in this situation.
Good Luck.
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