Choosing a baby name for a future baby is a favorite task among many parents-to-be, as many people put a great deal of effort into choosing a name, finding a name with meaning, and carefully choosing this first little piece of a child's identity.
But sometimes, other people can be really disrespectful about the names that parents-to-be choose, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Legitimate_Village34 had known the name that she wanted for a baby girl for years, and she was happy to know that her husband loved the name, as well.
When her brother-in-law (BIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) were expecting a baby, she shared the name with them that she wanted for a daughter, and the Original Poster (OP) was surprised when her brother-in-law criticized her choice and kept making jokes about it.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for feeling hurt that my future brother-in-law turned my favorite baby name into a running joke?"
The OP knew what she wanted to name a future daughter.
"Hi everyone, I just want some outside perspective because my partner keeps telling me to 'give it a rest' whenever I bring this up."
"I (28 Female) have had a favorite baby name since I was very young, it's always been special to me, and I've imagined using it when I one day have children. The name is Juniper."
"Recently, my partner and I were talking with his brother and sister-in-law (who are expecting their second child) about baby names. In what I thought was a private, trusting moment, I shared my favourite name with them."
The OP was shocked by how her brother-in-law responded.
"Since then, my brother-in-law has turned it into a constant joke. He keeps bringing it up in the family group chat, saying he's going to name his daughter that, or slipping it into random jokes."
"Now it's become a running gag that everyone in the family knows."
"Because of this, it feels like when I eventually do have kids, the name won't feel right anymore, it's been laughed about and treated like a punchline instead of something meaningful."
"What hurts is that when they told us the names they've considered for future children, I respected that and never told anyone."
"For me, this isn't 'just a name'; it's tied to my dream of becoming a mother one day, which is something I deeply look forward to."
The OP felt conflicted when her husband expected her to let it go.
"My partner also likes the name, as if he doesn't, it could be a reason why he isn't standing up for us. He also LOVES the name. He's a big fan and already liked that name before I told him I did."
"I know I could choose another name and still love my children the same, but am I wrong for feeling hurt and wishing my fiancé would stand up for me more?"
"He keeps saying I'm overreacting, but to me, it feels like something special was made into a family joke at my expense."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some empathized with the OP and found the brother-in-law, if not the family, to be toxic.
"OP, this name is absolutely beautiful. I've never known anyone named that, and the sonorities of it are simply wonderful. It sounds magical, ethereal, it's delicate yet strong."
"Please, please, know that it is special, no matter the dumb jokes. And please, use that name, don't let them ruin a dream you've had since childhood."
"Who cares if it's not special to them. It's special to you. I'd be so happy knowing a part of me that has nothing to do with genetics had always been with my mom. That in a way, I had been there with her her whole life."
"However, to answer your question: You are not overreacting. What they are doing is incredibly disrespectful." - IrisKV
"Nah, you're not overreacting, in my opinion. It's not about the name, it's about respect and boundaries."
"You shared something personal, and it was turned into a joke. Feels bad, I get it. By the way, your partner should have ur back on this. Stand firm on it; it might seem small, but it's clearly important to you." - Celi_Anne
"Your BIL is a bully, and this behavior on his part needs to stop. Your family needs to understand this, and it's time for you to stand up to him in front of them and tell him that bullying won't be allowed. Be firm and then be resolute about it."
"This name is special to you, and if allowed to continue, what is to say that when you have your little Juniper one day, what is to say he won't continue the bullying but turn it on your child?"
"You are not remotely overreacting. I'm so sorry. It's a wonderful name and your BIL is a jerk." - Glad-Barracuda2243
"I don't see the joke either. It's just not funny. And even if it was, jokes get old after a while, and there comes a point when teasing is just mocking."
"He seems really immature, but if you haven't expressed how much this bothers you, then you need to start with that. Hopefully, he just corrects his behavior and realizes he's being a dumba**. If he doesn't, then more serious steps need to be taken for your boundaries. Because he's being disrespectful at this point." - Ant4276
"BIL wants to get under your skin. He's a bully, like everyone says. Your fiancé is used to his bullying. Now he's decided to focus on you, which is frankly weird."
"You won't win with this guy by being sincere. One way to handle it is to turn it on him in a way that makes him feel mildly uncomfortable, and so he's no longer interested in making you the center of attention."
"So respond every time with a seemingly good-natured reply designed to make him the butt of the joke."
"'Wow; you're really obsessed with this name!' or 'Haha! Dan is so funny!' or 'Oh gosh, Dan, move on!' or 'Oh Dan, the joke is getting tired. Can't you come up with a new one?' or 'I'm sorry, did I steal your secret favorite action figure name there, Dan?'"
"Be prepared to be made the family bad guy for not going along with their normal routine. They are likely all glad he's focused on you and not them right now. Think hard about what marrying into this family means if your fiancé doesn't have your back."
"A man who routinely responds You are being too sensitive when you are upset about something isn't mature enough to be a good husband or father." - Josie-32
"The reasonable, adult me would advise you to let it go. The more you react to it, the more fun it is for him and the longer it will go on for. Just shrug and move on."
"The petty part of me wants you to reply with "well, at least it isn't [name they said they were considering] 🙄" in the family group chat." - lydocia
Others agreed and felt that the OP's husband needed to show her more support.
"You really need to have a talk with your husband. This is NOT okay, and he should know that, and tell his family to respect that. The fact that this has gone on so long is a serious problem for your relationship."
"Does he usually let his family treat you like this? He has to shut this down. HAS to. Or this will be a bigger issue in your relationship. And please still use the name." - Zealousideal_Tip_147
"Next time BIL says anything, especially when you are in the family group, look at him and ask him why he thinks it's okay to bully you. Then look at your man and say 'and why do you think it's okay? I think I need to rethink this relationship and if I want to be in this family.'"
"Then get up and leave. You may not see it, but the whole group is a bunch of bullies, and BIL is the golden child that never gets corrected. This is your future life. Do you want to bring children into this atmosphere?" - Ok_Resource_8530
"NOR, BIL is a bully. However, what's more concerning in my opinion is that your fiancé hasn't got your back and won't defend you against his family. That's a big red, and you should take time to think if there are other situations where he didn't have your back. You don't want to marry someone who will side with anyone but you." - autisticfarmgirl
"Your chosen name is adorable! What your BIL is doing is really s**tty and hurtful. But he's doing it because YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T HAVE YOUR BACK."
"Your husband could've shut this s**t down immediately. He chose not to. I'd really reconsider if this is the person you want to have children with. Don't waste the good first name on a bad last name." - PanicAtTheGaslight
"Juniper is a perfectly fine name, and I hope you still use it. Shame on your husband for not putting a stop to this, so you're going to have to. Can you talk to this loser BIL?" - Blue-Being22
"Dump the fiancé and keep the baby name."
"It's not okay for his family to treat you like this, and it will likely only get worse the more comfortable they are with you. Maybe they all have the potential to learn from being put in their place, but probably not, and resentment will come."
"I asked my husband to tolerate inappropriate bulls**t from my family (towards me mostly, but some jokes towards him), and 21 years later, we've been estranged from them for years because once we had kids and they didn't mellow out, we weren't going to allow it to go on any longer."
"It's been hard not having supportive family through many things, even though we love our nuclear family and know we did the right thing. Consider carefully now rather than later." - all8things
Some used this as a cautionary tale to never share baby names before the birth of a child.
"Advice I give anyone even thinking about children. If you have a name picked out, don't share it till it is actually attached to a baby."
"Everyone will tell you a name sucks and is stupid so long as it isn't attached to a child."
"As for the actual name, I have a second cousin named that, and it is a perfectly normal name. Not sure what joke they are making with it." - ChaoticUnreal
"NOR. I told one of my friends my potential boy and girl names before finding out the gender. When I found out I was having a girl, his response was, 'Oh, thank god! That boy's name was horrible!'"
"I was so grateful that he kept his opinion to himself until it was moot, but most people wouldn't have been that considerate." - conbird
"I think it's a mistake for people to allow themselves such strong attachments to a 'dream' baby name, especially from childhood. It's like creating a mold that you're determined to pop a future baby into, no matter who that baby might turn out to be."
"Meanwhile, you haven't even met the kid's other parent, who is going to have their own opinions… don't they matter? I don't know, to me it just feels like centering a baby's existence around a personal fantasy of a baby and not honoring the actual, unique baby that's being brought into the world. If it turns out that the name doesn't suit the baby, would someone with this extreme name attachment be willfully blind to that?" - SnooGuavas4208
"Word to the wise.. Never, and I mean never, share baby names that you are attached to with other people in your family or friend circle. I don't care how close you think ya'll are. It's so incredibly common for people to covet baby names."
"You'll eventually find yourself in the position of having to give up the name due to someone else naming their child that, or you'll have two kiddos with the same name, leading to irritation on your part and confusion on the part of your child. Never share, just don't." - Acrobatic-Gift-9164
"Names should be kept to the parents until the arrival. Otherwise, someone else will poach it (which may or may not matter to the person who was using the name, but my family tradition on my side is that we don't use names of cousins' non-related cousins because there's a lot of mingling) or mock it and ruin it."
"The easiest thing to do is decline to share your name choice because it's bad juju or whatever superstition you want to point to."
"Unless it's a r/tragedeigh 'Tragedeigh' because you want to name your daughter Skharlytte, pronounced Scarlet, then please share so that you can be talked out of it." - Icky-Tree-Branch
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in the comments.
"Thank you so much. Since making this post, I actually had a talk with my fiancé about how I felt when it comes to standing up for myself with family jokes."
"He is the kind of person that hates conflict and prefers to leave things be and not worry about other people. I think maybe this is easier for him to do as he is used to this sibling dynamic, whereas my family never treated each other like this, so it's not something I'm used to dealing with."
"My fiancé has apologised and promised that next time a joke is brought up at my expense, he will stand his ground and not worry about keeping the peace. He isn't a bad person, he just hides away from any type of conflict and prefers not to take things too seriously."
"Usually, I can let things slide, but this joke just felt like it was slowly ruining something special to me, so I wasn't able to."
The subReddit was deeply saddened for the OP that this baby name was being ruined for her, which is a key feature of many women's dreams of being a mother.
Hopefully, the OP was right that her husband was now going to be more supportive of her and her dreams and not allow her brother-in-law to treat her this way.
It might "just" be a baby name, but for many future parents, it's a sort of lifeline.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp