Most of us who find a hairstylist, nail tech, or even doctor that we really like will develop a certain level of comfort and camaraderie with the person, sharing a little more about our lives than we would with other people.
Dating history might even come up, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit, and the world is much smaller than it used to be, leading to some fairly strange coincidences.
Redditor West-Ad-1573 had been the hair stylist for a woman for a few months when she realized that the 'John' she mentioned from time to time was the same man she seriously dated, and almost moved in with, years prior.
But when the woman also revealed that the daughter she shared with John had the same name as her hair stylist, the Original Poster (OP) felt conflicted about telling her the truth.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole (WIBTA) if I told my client that I used to date her husband?"
The OP realized that she had shared history with one of her salon clients.
"I (28 Female) work at a hair salon and have a client (29 Female). She first started coming here in November and has been my new regular. She found me through my Instagram account for work. My other socials are private."
"The first time she came in, she said it was funny that her daughter and I have the exact same name, especially since it’s an older, uncommon name. I thought it was nice."
"She told me she had a husband (29 Male), which I didn’t really care about, to be honest. A few months later, she made an appointment, and she told me a bit about her husband. She told me that her husband’s name was John and that they met about six years ago at work and ended up getting married three and a half years ago."
"We ended up talking some more, and she revealed that he went to the same university that I went to before I dropped out. As she kept on talking, I realized that John was insanely similar to my ex-boyfriend."
"However, I thought it was just a coincidence since I still live in the area where I went to university, John is a common name, and people can have similar interests."
The OP didn't immediately admit that she knew who John was.
"Fast forward to last week, she made another appointment, and this time, she showed me her vacation photos that had John in it. I instantly recognized him, but didn’t say anything and just did her hair."
"Honestly, I don’t know what to think, but I’m a little weirded out? We ended on extremely bad terms, so it was a little weird to find out his daughter had the same name as me, his ex-girlfriend."
"We were pretty serious. We were together for about three years and were planning to get an apartment together. We had a dog (that he took). We ended after we got into a fight in his car. He threw me out of his car in the middle of the night, like five blocks from where I lived. He was not abusive, just an alcoholic (don’t know if he still is)."
"And I don’t know exactly how they choose their daughter's name, but it's pronounced and spelled the same as mine, and again, is an unusual choice."
The OP felt conflicted about what to do with her client.
"While I don’t see anything wrong with having my ex’s wife as my client, I feel a little odd about the whole situation."
"I don’t want to tell her and act as if I’m the crazy ex-girlfriend and trying to ruin their relationship, but I feel like she should know? If I were in her shoes, I would want to know."
"I’m not sure what to do, should I stay quiet and let it be, or tell her? She’s a genuinely kind and sweet person, and I don’t want her to get hurt over nothing."
"Would I be in the wrong if I tell her the truth?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they would want to know if they were in the wife's shoes.
"Maybe I’m weird, but I would want to know. If I found out later on, I’d be upset you never mentioned it."
"What if she confides in you about issues between them or says anything she may not have, had she known? Or he comes in one day with her, and you two clearly know each other (I’m a massive overthinker)."
"I don't know, I know I’m in the minority here, but I would appreciate being told just for transparency." - kirrrs
"If I showed a picture of my spouse to someone and they didn't say they knew him, I'd be very upset. It's a lie of omission. Part of talking to a hairdresser is that you can kinda say stuff you might not otherwise because there's no skin in the game. It's not a real person to them."
"There's skin here, and he's very real! I'd feel betrayed, lied to, and wonder why you didn't say anything. I know it's not like with a doctor or judge or anything, but it feels like a conflict of interest."
"Those who say to be professional are right. As a professional, I'd give her open, honest communication and let her make the choice. Or choose to no longer service her. But to continue to do so under a cloud of deceit seems very wrong, and very risky, to me!" - Faisfancy
"NTA. I’m sorry, but you have to tell her. Not just because anyone in her shoes would want to know and deserves to know."
"But also, because you are in a position of trust with her. Everyone knows that girls/women tell personal stories to their hairdressers. She essentially confides in you, with her understanding that you are a stranger with no ties to her family/life."
"And if she ever finds out that you are the ex and didn’t tell her, she’s gonna lose it on you. Because at this point, she’s aware she’s shown you his picture, so she will realize that you knew from that point on and didn’t tell her. She will feel betrayed."
"I would just text her or email her and say, 'Hey, I love having you for a client, and this doesn’t bother me at all, but I realized when you showed me your vacation pics that I dated your husband in college. Not a big deal, no weird feelings or anything, but I know that I would want to know that about the person doing my hair. If you don’t care, I’d love to still be your hairdresser. If not, no worries. Just didn’t want to hide anything from you.'" - BoudiccasJustice
"I don’t understand the comments saying 'be professional and don’t say anything.' The professional thing would be to tell the client, be matter-of-fact about it, and let the client decide how to proceed. If the client/wife doesn’t already know, she will feel incredibly betrayed and angry when she finds out." - Pooseycatwhoa
Some theorized that the wife already knew and sought her out for some kind of confirmation.
"NTA. Are you sure you really met her by chance? She is sharing a lot of personal information with you. Maybe she already knows who you are." - Villain-in-Training
"She knows. She booked that appointment for a reason. I have never shown a hairstylist or any stranger or relatively regular acquaintance a picture of my husband. We’ve been married for 13 years in October. The wife knows and is in sketch territory." - ashhlee12
"I'm hung up on the comment about how it is strange she has the same name as her daughter and how it is unusual. She knows and wants to know what you know." - InterestingTry5190
"Oh, she MUST know. Why don’t more people on here suspect this? She found OP on social media and is dropping hints each visit."
"If I were OP, I would end the client relationship and explain that you know her husband personally, it didn’t end well, and you would like no further contact. You could suggest another hairstylist for her."
"There is also a chance he’s abusive or treats her badly, and she is looking for someone to confide in who would understand. She could have also just found out her child was named after an ex."
"Either way, it’s not worth the drama that is coming to you. Please, OP, end this client relationship; I am worried for you." - Bulky-Nectarine-5328
"I'm just imagining the two of them talking through baby names, and this guy being like, 'I'd really like to name her Rapunzel. I know that's a pretty unusual name now, but it was my great aunt's name, and we were really close when I was young, and I always loved the name,' and the wife said yes."
"Later, the wife says something offhanded to one of his family members, and they scoff and are like, 'John does even HAVE a great aunt!' or 'His great aunt's name was SALLY, not some fancy name like Rapunzel... may she rest in peace.'"
"Then something goes off in the wife's mind, just the tiniest CLICK of suspicion. For reasons she can't explain, she begins to search online, thinking that maybe he liked the name from somewhere else, and she got her answer in the form of a woman with the same name, living in their area, approximately the same age as her husband."
"So she books an appointment and starts dropping feelers, anything that might spark something, a hint of recognition, confirmation, even guilt."
"Whatever you decide to do, OP, make it ABUNDANTLY clear that you are over this man and want nothing to do with this man. If you want to keep it totally professional and not talk to her about it, stay aloof whenever he comes up and when their daughter, mostly her name, comes up. Don't give her a reason to worry."
"If you decide to tell her, make it clear that you just want to clear the air, and you like her as a client and don't want to withhold anything from her, but that it was a long time ago, and there's nothing there."
"Personally, I don't think I'd tell her; I'd let her ask me, and if she asked, I'd tell the truth and say I was trying to stay professional and not make her think I was hung up on him or something by being like, 'Oh my god, I dated him! You're a lucky woman!' But I also don't know if I could keep her as a client, no matter how nice she is. I wouldn't want that hanging between us, harmless or not. You have to do what will give you peace, but whatever you choose, she deserves peace, too, not to think that she has competition." - TheBookishAndTheBard
Others urged the OP to leave this alone and said nothing good would come of sharing this information.
"You would be the a**hole. This is a professional relationship. She is your client, not your friend, no matter how nice she might be."
"Also, what would it accomplish other than making things weird and you losing a client? And why do you think she should know?"
"You are just an ex from way back before they started dating; it has nothing to do with her life." - Ontas
"YTA. You are projecting your unnecessarily 'weirded out' emotions onto her. She does not need to know that her daughter has the same name as someone who had a troubled relationship with her husband."
"It doesn't mean anything. A person can continue liking a hobby, a name, a sports team, etc., long after they've ceased contact with the person who introduced them to those things." - Mission_Wolf579
"My son has pretty much the male equivalent of my husband's ex-girlfriend's name. I was the one who selected the name, although he didn't veto it."
"But I believe that neither of us even thought of the possible correlation between the two names until it had been chosen and in use for years."
"And obviously, if the name you have is exactly the same as the name they named their daughter, then this can't be the case, but even so, OP, you might not have been the reason for choosing it, and perhaps just weren't important enough to where the ex is now for him to worry about using it."
"Do I think it's potentially a little odd? Yeah, sure."
"Do I think you would be the a**hole for introducing this awareness into his wife's head, potentially causing problems between them, AND potentially messing up a relationship you have with a client. Yes, definitely, much more so."
"Just keep on pretending you don't recognise the ex as her husband, OR if you can't do this, then 'break up' with them as a client." - elfelettem
"She keeps her mouth shut, and if the client ever finds out, she simply says I keep my professional and personal life separate, especially when it’s a very distant personal life, and it serves no one here to bring it back up."
"I didn’t want to potentially make any waves in a client's life, so I kept it professional and just left it unsaid. I’m sorry if you can’t understand that."
"I would still love to continue doing your hair, but if you don’t want to continue as my client, I can refer you to a great alternative." - Larry_l3ird
"If she finds out, you say it wasn't relevant to your job, and you didn't want to cause any problems with her relationship. You liked her as a client and cared about her feelings."
"If she confronts you and asks why you didn't say anything (because she was on a fishing expedition and already knew), then you say you were being professional and who she's married to is irrelevant to doing your job." - Helen_A_Handbasket
A few sympathized with the OP and said they understood why the OP felt conflicted about what to do next.
"I can see why she would want to tell her. Imagine if you found out this about the person doing your hair, and that they didn’t say a word when you literally showed them photos. (if she doesn’t already know and is secretly wondering why the OP hasn't said something, yikes.)" - AwkwardRub3513
"NTA. I can see why OP feels stuck between two options that both kind of suck, and I'm not totally sure what I would do." - neoncactusfields
"All it would take is an old photo from those three years. Anyone would feel betrayed at learning that was kept from them."
"Both options have rough consequences." - BosonTigre
"I think it would have been completely within bounds to say, 'You’re not going to believe this, but I dated John for a bit a long time ago. I’m so glad you found each other,' when shown photos of him. It’s kind of weird to be shown photos of someone you know and pretend you don’t know them."
"But with the name thing, it’s harder to acknowledge but downplay the relationship. That revelation probably wouldn’t have gone over well, but right then would have been the best time to mention it."
"If it comes to light now or in a year or two, it’s going to be even worse." - craigiestlist
After receiving feedback, the OP made a decision.
"After seeing everyone’s comments, I won’t tell her, but I’m dropping her as a client."
"Yeah, it’s probably unnecessary to tell her, but at the same time, I don’t want her to feel hurt or weirded out if the truth came out and revealed I was hiding it from her while taking her money."
The subReddit was deeply divided over this, and the confusing thing is that everyone had a point.
On the one hand, some people would definitely want to know and would feel betrayed if they found out that the OP didn't tell them or feel betrayed that they already knew and the OP hadn't confirmed it yet.
But on the other hand, ignorance is bliss for some people, and the wife is the OP's client, so keeping their relationship professional is important, too. Inviting past history into the chair wouldn't be keeping it professional; it might just make things uncomfortable.
Since the answer wasn't clear, it was probably best that the OP drop the wife as a client. Even though she was no longer interested in her ex, the shared history was a little uncomfortable, and the daughter's name felt a little too coincidental to just ignore.
