Black mold refers to Stachybotrys chartarum, a type of toxic fungus that produces harmful mycotoxins which can infect humans and pets through ingestion, inhalation, or skin contact, potentially leading to acute illness or chronic health conditions.
Black mold thrives in damp, poorly ventilated areas with severe water damage like under sinks with leaking pipes or seals.
A fathef who discovered his mother-in-law's home has black mold turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Oploplou asked:
"AITAH for telling my wife that our 13-month-old baby can’t go to her mom's?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"When my child was born, I expressed concern over the state of the house. It had been smoked in for years, and it was not properly cleaned. There were spiderwebs all over the ceilings, a layer of dust that was so thick it was literally laughed at by my sister when she cleaned it—she’s a professional cleaner so I paid for her to clean the main areas of the house for the baby to be there."
"Well during this clean, she opened the cabinet underneath the sink, and was met with it being 'entirely full of black mold. Like to the point I’m confident you can’t clean it and it needs to be removed.' She said both her and my wife made direct eye contact with the cabinet, but I was never told."
"When the cleaning was done, I told my wife that if the bedroom wasn’t cleaned by her mom—she refused to let my sister do it—and the main areas didn’t stay clean, I’d not be okay with the baby going there."
"Well, fast forward 13 months, and the bedroom isn’t clean, and the main areas are already building back their same level of dirt, dust etc... from before, and I was just told about the cabinet by my sister."
"That night when my wife got home, I told her plainly that I did not want him to go to her mother's house until at the very least that was taken care of. She said they wouldn’t replace it because they don’t have the money, even though I know they just remodeled part of the kitchen, bought a new fridge, and signed a loan for a brand new 2026 off the lot car."
"So now she’s acting very short with me, and I feel like she’s treating me as if it’s my fault somehow."
"AITAH for this?"
The OP later added:
"She has an EXTREMELY close relationship with her mom. I knew there’d be some feelings, but more than 72 hours out and I still feel like the bad guy."
"My wife said something to the effect of 'the cabinet is never open, and it’s never been a problem'. But obviously that doesn’t matter that the cabinet is not opened."
"I also had to pause at that, because it made me wonder how long it’s been like that for her to say it’s never been a problem."
"She understands that I’m not messing around. The baby is not allowed to go there, and if I find out it happens, I will be taking action. I don’t know that I’ll leave her immediately (partially because I legitimately could not afford to be a single parent with sole custody), but that would be the very last straw so to speak."
"I love my wife with everything that I have, but I can’t risk my child’s health and safety, for me to not be sad."
"I cannot expose myself anymore, especially not directly like I would have to, to get pictures, as I have documented respiratory issues."
"Her mom almost definitely won’t send the pictures out of embarrassment/spite for me."
"My wife may be able to, but I don’t know if she’s going to. She can be hard headed, and will likely not want to take the chance that the doctor sides with me, further proving that it is a necessary step. It would be easier for her to just be upset."
"There are things being talked about, but I don’t know if this is going to get fixed. I think the biggest problem I’m having with the idea of it getting fixed, is it not being done properly, and then the house is full of mold spores from it being disturbed so heavily, and the proper containment precautions not being taken."
"I also had pneumonia and bronchitis as a child, and we believe the mold that was found in our basement shortly after right by my game area, played a role."
A few days later, OP posted:
"Well, it’s been a little more than two days since the post, and things have only gotten worse."
"Firstly I’d like to thank everyone for all the comments, and suggestions. It really helped me during this."
"So what’s happened? A whole lot of her not talking to me, led to a small fight last night. (I know it was Mother’s Day, I’ll get to that.)"
"I came home from work, and put on a good face. I said happy Mother’s Day again, I asked if she had a good day, asked about the gift etc. Everything was cool until it was time for dinner."
"For a little additional context here, I do, and I mean this literally, all of the cooking and cleaning. She will put her own clothes away, and wash the baby's dishes specifically when asked, other than that I’m on my own. It’s never not been a problem, but it’s also something that I’ve never felt comfortable ending things over."
"Well last night I got home, and everything was a f*cking mess. It was like she just let the baby run through the house and throw things every which way, and picked up nothing. This in and of itself is not totally abnormal, but the level today was completely different than others."
"I ignored it at first, as I knew I needed to start making dinner ASAP because she told me she forgot to feed the baby lunch, and he was getting hangry. This immediately was like, wtf do you mean you didn’t feed the baby lunch? So I went to start cooking and realized we were out of the base for the meal I was making. I asked if she’d rather stay home or go to the store to have a minute to herself. She went to the store, I gave baby a shower."
"When I got him in the shower, immediately I could smell something weird. Under his neck appeared to be dry milk. The child drinks too fast, and sometimes it spills out of his mouth. We’ve always known this since he started in sippy cups, and I always wipe his face/neck off after a bottle to prevent this. Well I guess she had never thought to do that."
"So between these three things, I was a little upset when she got home. I wasn’t taking it out on her in anyway, I was just more quiet, and doing my cooking. She eventually asked me if the baby upset me while she was gone, and I said yes for the sake of saving face (again, it was Mother’s Day)."
"Give it about 5 minutes of us not really talking, and she says to me, why are you so pissed off at the baby. Now I’m faced with a decision, do I try and fabricate some story as to why I’m mad at my child, or do I tell her the truth. I went with the latter."
"I won’t get fully into specifics, but I told her my problems. She cried, and said she would do better. I reminded her that we’ve been here before (her saying she’ll do better about these exact things) and she cried harder. I think it’s finally setting in for her that I’m serious, and that this may end up with us not together."
"I know she loves me, but I question greatly if she respects me. It’s become a growing trend in our relationship over the past 3-4 years, and I’m finally becoming aware of it in the last 6 months or so."
"As far as the situation with her moms, I found out last night that she hadn’t even told her yet. So now I’m stuck in this weird holding pattern of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know there’s going to be backlash, and I’m prepared to weather that storm, but the waiting for it to happen is starting to really spark my anxiety."
"I’m considering telling her mother myself, as it was my decision, but I know my wife will feel undercut by this. It’s the last form of control she has over the situation."
"She’s been treated for postpartum depression (PPD). She’s not currently being treated because it cleared up enough that the treatment was stopped. I understand this could be another trigger. I’m not opposed to her getting treatment, but it’s just been less than a week since this all came to light."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP's concern was justified (NTA).
"NTA. Even ignoring the rest of it, black mold poses an objective risk to your baby's respiratory system. That stuff can take out adults with established immune systems and make them severely unwell."
"What's more important to your wife? Her feelings about going to her parent's shabby house, or her child's health?" ~ Panaccolade
"Is your baby eating too fast because she doesn't feed him OFTEN enough? Babies don't have three meals a day. Their stomachs are small and they need to eat and drink more often. She may have inherited some of her mom's mental illness or issues if she isn't doing the basics of feeding and can't handle executive functioning." ~ AnnoyedRedheadedMom
"Yeah. Babies don't skip lunch. The person caring for them doesn't feed them. What struck me is that he 'missed lunch' and it was late for dinner time."
"That means the baby hasn't eaten all day since OP fed them breakfast that morning. The baby is gobbling food at every feeding because of food insecurity."
"If you've ever worked with shelter animals, kids from homes with food insecurity, or anyone who's been incarcerated, they gobble food even when recently fed as they are used to being unsure of the availability of their next meal."
"Babies about that age still typically eat every 2-3 hours. If they are not getting that, it can cause food insecurity symptoms which includes eating the food they get, as much as they can as fast as they can, because they don't know when/if their next meal is coming."
"You have more serious problems than just your mother-in-law's house." ~ AnnoyedRedheadedMom
The OP provided a short update:
"Wife has called and made an appointment to be seen for PPD again. Tomorrow at 12:30."
While it doesn't resolve OP's original issue with their mother-in-law's black mold, it might make dealing with that problem easier.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp