Balancing a career and raising a family can be extremely challenging, especially when both parents work full time.
A woman raising two babies and her lawyer husband recently butted heads over his gripe about his mother-in-law was taking care of their children while both are away at work.
When the conflict escalated, she visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, the anonymous Redditor asked:
“AITA for telling my mom not to babysit anymore when my husband changed his mind?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband is a lawyer and I’m an engineer. We both have intense careers but he wanted a second child.”
“I was happy with our daughter but he really wanted another child. We now have 2 daughters aged (3 and 1) and I came back from maternity leave and my mom took over full time caring for them.”
“We both work full time so she takes them when we work. My mom is a nurse but quit to look after our kids. I insisted we should pay her the going rate for daycares in the area which is around $1500 a child.”
“So we pay $3000 for her to care for our children, cook for them etc. She will also pick them up sometimes as we may need to be in the office early.”
The OP continued:
“My husband complained a lot about how expensive it was to pay her. He makes $140k and I make $110k so we can afford to pay her. But he thinks we are overpaying her and complained about it to her face.”
“My mom is not very confrontational but she got very upset. I argued with him on this for months until I decided it was better for her to go back to work and for us to use daycare.”
“Finding a daycare was hard and now we pay $1800 a child for daycare and daycares obviously will not pickup your children nor will they cook for them. We have less time now and at a higher cost for our children to be sick a lot during the winter season.”
“So far this year we have been sick as an entire household 3 times. I was on a business trip and my husband was late picking up our children which resulted in a $75 late charge which my mom would have not charged extra for.”
“My husband is now demanding that my mom leave her job to go back to babysitting our children but I won’t let her because he did no research into the real cost of childcare and kept complaining how expensive it is even when I showed him.”
“My mom even part-time makes $4300 a month as a nurse, and I told my husband if we want her doing the child care, we need to pay her that amount. Remember, we already pay $3600 for daycare.”
“He wants her to go back to the $3000 charge and is angry and claims my mom is asking for too much for such a simple job and that a grandma taking care of her grandchildren is a ‘privilege.'”
“I told her not to quit and told him that she isn’t babysitting, which reduces his number of free hours and makes our lifestyle harder, so he is angry at me for demanding we pay her what I feel she is owed.”
“My mom probably would do it for free if we wanted to, but I definitely don’t think it’s fair. She needs to save for retirement, and she has bills to pay as well. AITA here?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Stick to your guns. You are doing right by your mother and by your daughters…. Soon enough, they’ll understand what you’re doing: Knowing the worth of your mother and her time, effort, and skills in raising beautiful little humans to be beautiful, kind, and generous adults. You are a prime example of her efforts.”
“Your husband needs to step up his game.” – WanderGoldfinch
“I couldn’t have said this better myself! She is showing her mother how much she and her efforts are valued. She’ll be setting an example for her daughters to know their worth. She attempted to make him ‘see’ but like most people he assumed he was right. SMH.”
“I’m so glad you’re advocating for fairness to your mother. And a reality slap for your husband. I hope y’all find a resolution you can all live with. And HE apologizes for being a bonehead!” – Addamsgirl71
“NTA! But I’m more concerned that you’re in a marriage with a man that has no problem treating you and your family as if they are all his employees.”
‘My husband is now demanding that my mom leave her job.’
“This is unacceptable, and my husband would find he’s sleeping in the driveway if he ever tried to issue ‘demands’ like that…” – PurplePufferPea
“NTA. My first thought before I even finished reading this was as soon as you guys switched to daycare you added on all the illnesses that come with it. You were right, it wasn’t just the cheaper price you both benefited from, but also the flexibility. I bet if your kids did get sick your mom would still watch them, now when they are sick you call off.”
“When you work late, she kept them, now you pay a fee. I think you are right not to go back to your mom’s help without paying more because your husband seems like he’ll keep taking advantage of her while still complaining it’s too expensive.”
“Quality childcare is hard to come by. You guys had a great deal before daycare. If your husband tries to switch gears and instead go for a nanny, let him know that’ll still cost more, and you still won’t get all the benefits you had with your mom without paying even more on top of that.” – Mountain-Blood-7374
“NTA, but your husband sure has big, loud, wrong opinions on your mother’s finances, career, and time. He doesn’t get to dictate what her time is worth, and he doesn’t get to be angry that she holds a job now after complaining her childcare rate was too costly.”
“I’d tell him he’s made his opinions known, but he has no control over another adult, so now he needs to close his giant, gaping trap.” – MidCenturyMayhem
“NTA.”
“So husband FAFO 🙄 instead of having a loving grandmother ensuring their health, safety, and wellbeing he begrudged paying your mother for her giving up a job (better paid at that) so his darling children could attend a daycare where they may be socialized but are at risk of catching all kinds of illnesses, and there’s very little flexibility in pick up time, for a lawyer he has no common sense……” – tigerz0973
“NTA. Next time, maybe your husband will keep his mouth shut and actually look into expenses BEFORE deciding he’s being taken advantage of. Tell him to look at the cost of a NANNY which is the service your mother was providing.” – Interesting_You_2315
“NTA.”
“Demand your husband leave his job to care for the children. That caring for the children is ‘such a simple job’ and that taking care of your children is a ‘privilege’.”
“I’m glad you’re not letting him speak to your mom like that, but the complete lack of remorse and continued insistence your mom earn less (or no!!) money to care for your children? Because having two young children you both wanted is encroaching on your lifestyle? Yikes, OP. Yikes.” – embopbopbopdoowop
“Please tell me this isn’t real? I am speechless if this is, in fact, a real issue. Not sure how long you guys have been married, but I am positive that you will be divorced before your kids graduate high school if this is the way he acts when they are so young.”
“He sounds like a ridiculous person, and if he ever hurt my mom’s feelings, we’d be done. I wish you luck though, and hope that you realize sooner rather than later that you can do better. “ – Awkward-Operation421
“NTA. Your husband has a lot of nerve. He basically had a full-time nanny at his beck and call, and he decided it wasn’t good enough. I was very grateful when my parents took care of my son while my husband and I were at work. Your husband is now suffering the consequences of his own actions.”
“He needs to pay what your mom wants and he should be actually paying more since he’s the one that messed up to begin with. And he makes more money. Why did he want a 2nd kid? Was he hoping for a boy? Good for you for telling him he needs to pay your mom what she wants, or he can keep the daycare.” – Endora529
Overall, Redditors thought it was reasonable for the OP to stand her ground by refusing to allow her mother to quit her job.
They also thought the husband was being audacious and unreasonable for suggesting they were overpaying his mother-in-law for the amount of work required to look after their children.
Hopefully, the couple will come to a solution soon before this because of an all-consuming conflict that could very well burden the marriage.