No matter how much two people believe they love each other, they should talk about vital topics before getting married, like their views on religion, children, finances, intimacy, and where to live.
After all, finances and intimacy are leading causes of divorce in the United States and Europe for a reason, as pointed out by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor Mechalorde loved their girlfriend and wanted to start a life with her, but they were concerned about how quickly she wanted to rush into marriage and how much she wanted to spend on the ceremony and honeymoon.
When she went so far as to expect them to take out a loan and create an immense amount of debt just to get married, the Original Poster (OP) thought there were too many red flags standing in the way of them walking down the aisle.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by calling off the wedding because my girlfriend doesn't want to understand what she is putting me through?"
The OP's future wife wanted to get married as fast as possible.
"Earlier this year, my girlfriend and I got into a small disagreement because she wanted to marry as soon as possible while I wanted to wait until my other priorities were sorted first."
'Because of this, she was depressed, and a rift formed between us."
"It wasn't until June that I looked up cheap weddings and saw how simple it all was that I told my girlfriend of my new plan to get married next year around her birthday."
"I asked her the expenses and how much it would all cost, and I did the calculations and saw how I would plan to save for the event in time."
But the wedding plans just became more and more expensive after that.
"So while saving for the wedding, my girlfriend would constantly make requests to buy appliances like a microwave and washing machine, and there were times when I had to loan her money because hers ran out."
"We eventually got to a point where we had no more obstacles, and I could just save up for the wedding until it hit me that I may not be able to save enough in time."
"I tried to explain to my girlfriend about the dilemma, and she advised me to take a loan."
"I said maybe the loan was a small one I could easily pay back in three months, but then things got complicated. I also had plans to buy a new car, so she suggested I take a loan for the car, pay for the wedding, and buy a car."
"It only hit me when I noticed I would be the one paying off the loan."
"I got upset and told her no loans."
The OP's girlfriend became more and more passive-aggressive until they said enough was enough.
"She got annoyed with me and told me to do whatever I wanted."
"I tried to adjust my budget for her, but I had to make the sacrifice of no honeymoon. She replied with, 'Whatever.'"
"I don't see why she is annoyed when the entire wedding plus honeymoon would be paid by me, so I tried to compromise and postpone the honeymoon."
"Instead of answering me, she tried to guilt me by saying I'm always upset over money."
"We went back and forth until I just said no more wedding."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that their future bride only saw them as an ATM, not as a partner.
"NOR. Why on earth would you want to marry this person?? They see you as an ATM and nothing more." - Feisty-Body-
"If I didn’t have ethics or morals, I would love to date a guy like you."
"But, I do have ethics and morals, so I would never treat someone I’m supposed to love as my own personal banker and then get p**sy when the ATM, that I’m not stocking, comes up empty, and then ask that person to f**k up their credit to finance my lifestyle whims."
"Rather, I would treat them with dignity and respect while paying my own f**king way. Find someone like that rather than this entitled fool." - shoosh0105
"NOR. As much as you want to give her everything, you're not going to make her happy. Money runs out."
"You can't buy new appliances and save money for a wedding at the same time."
"Is there some reason why she couldn't contribute to saving for the wedding?" - OrangeCupcakeLover
"She is a financial black hole. Better now than later to leave. It's not that she doesn't understand; SHE DOESN'T CARE. The sooner you make that distinction, the better off you will be." - DetroitSmash-8701
"Um, why are you the only one paying for everything? What does she contribute? Why are you the one having to take out the loans? This all feels very one-sided. I wouldn't marry her until you both talked about finances."
"Is she expecting you to pay for everything while she stays home? Are you okay with that? These questions need answers before any wedding happens." - Lucky-Ad-4589
"NOR: Saving for a wedding should be a joint effort. A budget should be set, and both of you work towards saving that amount. That is how a good partnership works. I don’t think you are compatible in this way."
"She’s selfish and inconsiderate. I think you made the right decision. Now, start saving for that car that you need." - Magzz521
"Canceling the wedding was wise; expecting you to fund her life and take out loans while offering zero financial contribution is a massive red flag." - Fickle-Theory-623
"NOR."
"1. Why is she not paying for her part of the wedding?"
"2. It's normal to want to have settled certain things before getting hitched to make sure the start is fine and dandy financially wise."
"3. How many loans did she want you to open exactly? Is she aware that they're something that needs to be paid, that the bank may not always say yes, and that one must assure them they will pay it back? Is she financially aware at all?"
"4. She sees you as her personal ATM."
"Good job on calling it off, and DON'T go back on your choice. Save yourself." - WolfFirm9470
Others agreed and pointed out what the OP could expect in the future, based on the wedding planning alone.
"Man, that wedding was a bad idea since she firstly started to depress about HER wanting an ASAP wedding."
"That's just a whim for her, not a love act."
"You're NOR, just imagine all your life like that, all the time trying to complete HER whims and think again." - Mysha_talking
"The biggest issue isn’t even the wedding itself; it’s that she seems perfectly fine with you taking on debt as long as she gets what she wants. That’s a pretty scary dynamic to start a marriage with." - CharmerGurl
"If you marry her, she will run you into debt that will take years for you to sort out. Then it will cost you even more to extricate yourself from her. Until she gains some financial sense, you should avoid marriage. NOR." - conscious-arm-7889
"NOR. Her being so pushy to marry you as soon as possible, and encouraging you to take out loans and such, is disturbing. It almost sounds like she’s trying to subtly see what your credit score is by how big of a loan you can get. Do not marry this woman." - MithosYggdrasill1992
"You must realize what you have gone through with her is a free look at your future. If you think this past year has been crazy… just think what your life will be like once you’re married and there’s no escape."
"Remember: when people show you their true selves, BELIEVE THEM!!" - Acceptable_Ant4411
"You’re going to have a terrible time in this marriage, and an even worse time divorcing someone who is both greedy and selfish."
"NOR, but you will regret marrying her every day for the rest of your life if you move forward. She’ll clean out your bank account, max out your credit until it’s destroyed, and then leave you when you can’t afford to support her anymore."
"Does she even work? Or is she planning to be a parasite who only spends and never gives?" - z_iz_green
"NOR: Do not marry her. If she’s behaving this way BEFORE marriage, imagine how she’ll behave AFTER marriage."
"Also, the rushing into marriage is a red flag. What’s the urgency?"
"You want a partner who will be understanding, work as a teammate, and compromise. Unfortunately, she isn’t showing you that and that could mean you guys are not compatible."
"Good luck." - Cactus-Lover-2013
Even though the OP had likely already spent money that might not be refundable, it was better to lose some money now while realizing that this wasn't the right relationship for them, rather than getting in tremendous debt over their partner's spending habits, not to mention how ugly the divorce would have been.
