A wedding bill can be astronomical.
Usually, everyone's family pitches in if they can.
But not everybody can or wants to pay for certain things.
Redditor u/whyisdobbygay found herself in a dilemma regarding her soon-to-be husband's wedding attire, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for not wanting to buy my fiance's wedding suit?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Me (25 F[emale]) and my fiancé (23 M[ale]) have been together for the last 4 years and are getting married in a few months."
"In my culture, the woman's side of the family pays for the wedding event, and the groom's side of the family gives the girl gifts and stuff."
"It is also a tradition that the families of the bride and groom pay for each other's wedding dress."
"My parents are well off, but they are frugal with their money and put most of it into retirement savings, which I respect since my dad is retiring in a year and my parents already spent a lot on sending me to medical school."
"My fiancé's family took me shopping a few months ago and bought me a dress for $2700 (converted to dollars), and I thought that was way too much for something I'm going to be wearing only once in my life."
"My parents and I had decided that the dress budget each should be under $1000, but my fiance's mom saw I liked the dress and decided to get it for me."
"Now it was my turn to get my fiancé's dress."
"My mom wanted to take him shopping, but he told her that his mom had already planned his shopping trip, and he decided to go with his own mother instead."
"The dress they picked out was $3700."
"He paid an advance of $2000 on it and booked it."
"This really upset my family because my family was not involved in selecting his dress the way his family was involved in mine."
"My parents had a fixed budget for his dress, and now they are required to pay for it without even getting a say in it."
"I convinced them to pay the rest of the $ 1,700, which they agreed to."
"My fiancé is angry and wants them to pay the whole thing and said he'd rather just pay the whole dress himself (he's an engineer and makes good money) than take the $1700."
"He said paying for the dress was supposed to be a gesture of love from my parents' side, which they didn't fulfill."
"I tried my best to explain to him that they never consented to such an expensive dress."
"He keeps saying his family is putting in more effort than mine (they have bought me designer bags and shoes and my parents can't afford to reciprocate such gifts) and that my parents don't care about me."
"I refuse to understand him because I think he is being unreasonable, and I keep taking my parents' side, and it's putting a strain on our relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. I wouldn’t marry him. "
"He’s choosing to start this marriage by berating and shaming your family."
"Money doesn’t equal love, and he’s out here with the audacity to say your parents don’t love you?" ~ Kind-Professional564
"He’s talking about love, but I think what he really wants from her parents is deference."
"It comes across as if he didn’t like that they set a boundary on what they’d do for him, and so he’s trying to bulldoze his way across it in order to put them (and OP) 'in their place.'”
"OP, can you think of other indications that he tends to expect you and your family to bend the knee to him — as the man in the relationship, as someone from a more privileged class position, and/or even just as a spoiled child who still expects the whole world to treat him like royalty?" ~ holesinallfoursocks
"Exactly. The issue isn't even the suit price anymore; it's his belief that expensive gifts prove love."
"Shaming her parents for respecting their budget while they're already paying for the wedding is a serious red flag." ~ batdog15
"NTA from a similar cultural background."
"The groom's side should’ve either waited for a budget or gone along with the bride's side to purchase the outfit."
"It’s simple enough."
"Besides, what groom would seriously wear an outfit that is more expensive than their future wife’s lenga?" ~ nervous_hamster
"NTA. From the post AND comments, you verified that your Groom KNEW your parents had a budget for his wedding attire, and he very deliberately and knowingly went OVER said budget anyway."
"This makes the fact that he and mommy dearest couldn’t find a time in their schedule that would align with that, if your mom, who would’ve enforced that budget, was very, very suspicious."
"Maybe I’m just a cynic, but after 45 years of dealing with sketchy and shady people, the fact that they couldn’t find a time that would allow for your mother to attend feels deliberate in light of everything I’ve read."
"I’d honestly reconsider marriage to this man."
"I’d return the dress to the shop."
"Keep back what your parents gave towards his attire and return the rest of the money along with the designer bags and shoes to his parents and run, don’t walk, from that situation." ~ Additional_Foot_3531
"Yeah, don't marry him."
"They wanted to spend more on you despite you saying you didn’t want that."
"Then they went and spent MORE on him and expect your parents to fork out that money."
"No discussion, just 'well, we did this for you so you owe me.'"
"Just walk away now." ~ Chaotic_Natbot
"NTA. He is being unreasonable."
"If tradition says your family is to take him shopping, but he has made arrangements to go with his mom, he isn't following tradition but still wants your family to pay for it, then says it's supposed to be a 'gesture of love...' where's his gesture of love?"
"Where he goes shopping with your family."
"I would suggest postponing the marriage for 2 years."
"He is 23 years old, and the frontal lobe doesn't finish developing until 26 years old."
"That's the area that regulates higher-level cognitive skills and emotional regulation."
"That's why he is being emotionally immature."
"He sounds like he is still attached to what mommy thinks."
"This will be your future." ~ Mom1274
"Oh, my dear, you might want to really seriously reconsider this marriage."
"I'm not saying break up; I'm saying put the marriage on hold."
"The mother-in-law is going to be a problem, but your soon-to-be husband is also a problem."
"The fact that he can't understand that some people don't have as much money as other people and therefore shouldn't be backed into a corner over something like this is a problem."
"I know he's very young, but he seems very entitled."
"Understand that unless he grows up a little bit more, this is going to be your whole marriage." ~ WTF4Sally
"NTA, and I would be reconsidering the marriage. "
"He sounds like a spoiled brat who doesn’t understand that some people operate on a budget and that he and his family are being majorly disrespectful of yours."
"That’s no way to start a marriage." ~ FreeStatistician2565
"NTA, but as someone coming from a similar cultural background."
"Are you really sure you want to go through with this wedding?"
"There is zero shame in canceling, even if cards have gone out, etc."
"Do you really want to be doing this every event that comes around?"
"Your parents will always have their budget, and your in-laws will expect extravagant gifts each time."
"The bare minimum in a relationship is respect, and it doesn't seem your fiancé respects you."
"Either have both families in one place and discuss clear expectations, or really evaluate, once practical life starts, how good of a partner your fiancé will be." ~ Minimum-Reception
"If you marry him, you will be living in a house full of expensive items while being poor as fu*k because you'll never see a single penny of any money; he and his family will spend it all for you. NTA." ~ mountain_mists
"This person equates spending more money to putting more effort in."
"This marriage is going to be rough. NTA, but make sure this is really the kind of person you want to financially and emotionally tie yourself to." ~ Skitterin
"NTA. Money does not equal love, no matter what he thinks."
"I would say you are at minimum financially incompatible."
"Rethink your relationship." ~ EgweneS
OP came back to chat...
"My parents are also paying for the wedding event, which is roughly $7k."
"Another clarification: his family isn't as well off as mine, but they care a lot about appearances, so they are spending a lot on the wedding."
"His mom asked me to send her the links to any shoes and makeup I like."
"I told my fiancé I don't want these gifts because my family can't match them, but he won't take no for an answer."
Oh, OP, you are in a dilemma.
Reddit agrees with you but is concerned.
There may be issues here that are bigger than a dress.
Hopefully, you and your partner can talk this out.
Good Luck.
