Weddings involve so much celebration.
A lot of weddings have a lot of lead-up time.
There are tons of events to attend.
Engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, bachelor and bachelorette parties… the list feels endless.
And so is the cost.
Not everybody can do everything.
Redditor ThrowRAproject to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my best friend I’m not coming to her bachelorette party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My best friend is having a wedding this year that is honestly very rushed.”
“I just found out that she is having her bachelorette party a few hours away for three days.”
“I am a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] with a 10-month-old who has never been without me for a day, let alone three.”
“I told her I was not comfortable leaving her and also having to have my husband take off two days of work and lose pay when we were already financially strapped.”
“She is guilt tripping me and telling me that she wants me there the most and that it’s ‘a once in a lifetime event.'”
“| I get that, and I feel awful, but I feel like I need to put my family first and do the responsible thing.”
“When I told her this, she said, ‘Well, you’re going to have to leave her alone at some point,’ which I thought was pretty insensitive, being as she doesn’t have kids and doesn’t understand how hard it is.”
“Am I being unreasonable and selfish?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“The ‘friend’ is setting up a test where she is demanding that OP choose the friend over her own baby.”
“Of course, the family’s needs come first. Real friends don’t make demands like this, and don’t try to make you choose them over your own baby, your own relationship, and your own financial needs.”
“The friend is acting very selfish.” ~ BlazingSunflowerland
“NTA. If I had a best friend who I just had to have at my bachelorette, and she had a baby at home and was on a strict budget, I would not have a three-day destination bachelorette.”
“Having it close to home on a night when your husband is off work to keep the baby would be simple!”
“Even if she had to have the extravagant destination one, she could easily have planned a ‘kickoff’ party you could easily attend or planned a spa day at home to enjoy with you before or after.” ~ entirelyintrigued
“NTA. But on the other side of the coin, you don’t understand what it’s like to get married and have kids later than others.”
“People become too busy to celebrate your milestones after you celebrated theirs.” ~ jittery_raccoon
“NTA – your baby comes first always, and frankly, if you’re not doing the best financially/on a strict budget, the last thing you need to do is have your husband take a few days off and for you to spend any unnecessary money. “
“Yes, unfortunately, you can’t go, and your best friend is 100% allowed to be disappointed, BUT to guilt trip you is actually an insane and crazy insensitive thing to do.
“I’ve had friends like that in the past and ultimately had to cut them off, not saying you should do that.”
“But if she keeps trying to guilt you, it may be time to reconsider that friendship.”
“Real friends will not guilt you for putting yourself/your family first!!!’”
“S**t, they wouldn’t guilt trip you period 🤨🤷🏽♀️”
“Please don’t ever feel bad for putting your baby first 🫶🏽.” ~ Sweater1103
“It’s her once-in-a-lifetime event, not yours.”
“An invitation is not a demand, or it shouldn’t be.”
“You gave her at least 2 very valid reasons why this doesn’t work for you and your family, and that should be enough, though it’s sad that she keeps pushing her selfish agenda without trying to see your perspective.”
“You’ve said no, and that should be the end of it.”
“If she can’t respect your boundaries, that’s on her. NTA.” ~ forgetregret1day
“NTA. You can’t afford it.”
“That should be enough.”
“I’m all for the occasional treat, weekend away, whatever — broke folks deserve a good time too.”
“However, doing something you can’t afford because of social obligation isn’t okay.”
“You’re strapped for cash, and that’s that.”
“A real friend wouldn’t question it.”
“As far as baby goes.”
“Your friend is right. You’ll have to leave her someday.”
“But that choice is YOURS and, to a lesser extent, maybe your husband’s.”
“It is not your friend’s place to judge or comment on when that happens.”
“OP, it sounds like your ‘friend’ is feeling some kind of way about your life choices, and it might be time to reassess how much access you want to give this person.”
“Any time someone expects you to prioritize their wedding over your personal life should be handled with caution.”
“They’re almost always sh*tty people.”
‘She’s offering no accommodation and no compromise.”
“Don’t go.”
“Find a new friend.” ~ SecretAgentOrangeMan
OP responded…
“Thank you so much!”
“I really needed to hear that.”
“I really do feel awful. I’m going to miss it, but I think her not having kids of her own and being a very optimistic and spontaneous person, she just doesn’t understand and is taking it as an insult that I don’t care about her or our friendship enough to go.”
“It’s putting me in a really tough situation because I’m not willing to jeopardize my family’s financial situation or emotional well-being to go party for three days.”
“The wedding and the bridal shower alone are already going to cost us a lot of money to attend.”
Reddit continued…
“NTA. My friends were disappointed in me when I said I wouldn’t go for a girl’s trip to go with them to this boutique wedding dress shop a few hours away.”
“I was the only one with a kid; she was 1, and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her overnight yet.”
“When you’re a parent you have different responsibilities and different priorities.” ~ CrabbiestAsp
NTA. I must be old because I remember when Hen (as we call them here in the UK) parties were like an afternoon/evening.
“Remember, an invitation is not a summons.” ~ Gemzanity
“NTA. Setting aside the issue of your child, it sounds like this event would be a financial burden on you and your husband, and that is reason enough.”
“Tell her you are unable to attend, but you are looking forward to the wedding.”
“If she keeps on guilt-tripping you, ask her directly why she is working so hard to make you feel bad.” ~ IwantaJaguar
“NTA. For some reason, now people getting married think it’s acceptable for others to go broke, leave their kids, and put their lives on hold for a wedding that isn’t even theirs.”
“So many unrealistic expectations.” ~ Brains4Beauty
“NTA. The wedding is one thing, but her guilt-tripping you over a bachelorette party is completely unreasonable.”
“That’s not what marriage is about.”
“Your family comes first, and she’s not being a good friend by refusing to respect that.” ~ TornadoCat4
“NAH but wondering did she get to your bachelorette party if you had one?”
“This is my big fear, I’ll prob be doing everything years after my friends do, and it’s gonna suck when no one is available for me because they’re all settled down, and I’m just getting started.” ~ xHey_All_You_Peoplex
“NTA. Baby or not, you guys can’t afford to take days off work.”
“My brother is getting married In a few months, his bride is already like my sister.”
“I wasn’t able to go to her bachelorette party because we couldn’t afford it at all.”
“She had no problems with me not being able to go because I couldn’t afford it.”
“Don’t feel bad about it. Especially because you have a kiddo to think about.”
“You have to do what’s best for your family and for you, even if it makes other people mad.” ~ f**kifiknow1013
“NTA!!!!!!! People are out of control with this wedding cost bulls**t.”
“Extravagant bachelorette parties, destination weddings, gift expectations etc…”
“It’s a lot of nerve to ask people to spend so much money because they are getting married. ‘Oh yeah, we saved a block of rooms in Hawaii so you can book it for the wedding week.'”
“And don’t forget to plan and pay for my bridal shower too.”
“OP, be honest that it’s too expensive and your family comes first.” ~ According_Smoke1385
“Sigh. It’s once in a lifetime for HER.”
“You have responsibilities and the logistics don’t work for you and your family.”
“When did bachelorette parties become vacations?!”
“It’s meant to be a night out, get a bit drunk, wear stupid s**t, and play a few silly games.”
“It shouldn’t have the ability to ruin your finances, involve multiple days off work so you lose even more money. NTA.” ~ Cosmicshimmer
“NTA. Weddings usually take extensive planning and spring this on you last minute isn’t cool.”
“Most people have to plan MONTHS in advance, not everyone can just spontaneously pack up and go.” ~ urfatherfigure69
“Tell her she’ll have to pay for your travel, lodgings, dining, and entertainment in addition to paying for your husband’s time off work.”
“Put it into numbers how much this weekend will cost and that if she insists you’re there, she needs to pony up the cash upfront.”
“Otherwise, sorry, but no. NTA.” ~ SnooDrawings1480
“NTA, but I see a lot of black-and-white thinking.”
“Maybe you could take ONE day (hopefully when hubby is already off work) where you leave early in the morning, spend the day or a few hours with them, then are home that evening.”
“It will still be a sacrifice, but much less than otherwise.” ~ LowBetaBeaver
OP came back with more info…
“Our family currently only has one car, so I would only be able to go down with them, considering I can not take our only car and leave my husband alone and careless with our daughter.”
“Also, I just found out that I would need to pay $250 for my share of the place we would be staying at ON TOP of my husband missing two days of unpaid work.”
“I’m upset to disappoint my friend, but also angry about how she does not care how this will be a huge financial burden to my family.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your friend needs to step up as a real “friend.”
Not everybody can attend everything.
You may need to have a serious, calm talk with her.
Maybe she just needs some direct, blunt, basic facts.
You’re doing the right thing.