Weddings involve so much celebration.
A lot of weddings have a lot of lead-up time.
There are tons of events to attend.
Engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, bachelor and bachelorette parties... the list feels endless.
And so is the cost.
Not everybody can do everything.
Redditor ThrowRAproject to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my best friend I'm not coming to her bachelorette party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My best friend is having a wedding this year that is honestly very rushed."
"I just found out that she is having her bachelorette party a few hours away for three days."
"I am a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] with a 10-month-old who has never been without me for a day, let alone three."
"I told her I was not comfortable leaving her and also having to have my husband take off two days of work and lose pay when we were already financially strapped."
"She is guilt tripping me and telling me that she wants me there the most and that it's 'a once in a lifetime event.'"
"| I get that, and I feel awful, but I feel like I need to put my family first and do the responsible thing."
"When I told her this, she said, 'Well, you're going to have to leave her alone at some point,' which I thought was pretty insensitive, being as she doesn't have kids and doesn't understand how hard it is."
"Am I being unreasonable and selfish?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"The 'friend' is setting up a test where she is demanding that OP choose the friend over her own baby."
"Of course, the family's needs come first. Real friends don't make demands like this, and don't try to make you choose them over your own baby, your own relationship, and your own financial needs."
"The friend is acting very selfish." ~ BlazingSunflowerland
"NTA. If I had a best friend who I just had to have at my bachelorette, and she had a baby at home and was on a strict budget, I would not have a three-day destination bachelorette."
"Having it close to home on a night when your husband is off work to keep the baby would be simple!"
"Even if she had to have the extravagant destination one, she could easily have planned a 'kickoff' party you could easily attend or planned a spa day at home to enjoy with you before or after." ~ entirelyintrigued
"NTA. But on the other side of the coin, you don't understand what it's like to get married and have kids later than others."
"People become too busy to celebrate your milestones after you celebrated theirs." ~ jittery_raccoon
"NTA - your baby comes first always, and frankly, if you're not doing the best financially/on a strict budget, the last thing you need to do is have your husband take a few days off and for you to spend any unnecessary money. "
"Yes, unfortunately, you can't go, and your best friend is 100% allowed to be disappointed, BUT to guilt trip you is actually an insane and crazy insensitive thing to do.
"I've had friends like that in the past and ultimately had to cut them off, not saying you should do that."
"But if she keeps trying to guilt you, it may be time to reconsider that friendship."
"Real friends will not guilt you for putting yourself/your family first!!!'"
"S**t, they wouldn't guilt trip you period 🤨🤷🏽♀️"
"Please don't ever feel bad for putting your baby first 🫶🏽." ~ Sweater1103
"It's her once-in-a-lifetime event, not yours."
"An invitation is not a demand, or it shouldn't be."
"You gave her at least 2 very valid reasons why this doesn't work for you and your family, and that should be enough, though it's sad that she keeps pushing her selfish agenda without trying to see your perspective."
"You've said no, and that should be the end of it."
"If she can't respect your boundaries, that's on her. NTA." ~ forgetregret1day
"NTA. You can't afford it."
"That should be enough."
"I'm all for the occasional treat, weekend away, whatever -- broke folks deserve a good time too."
"However, doing something you can't afford because of social obligation isn't okay."
"You're strapped for cash, and that's that."
"A real friend wouldn't question it."
"As far as baby goes."
"Your friend is right. You'll have to leave her someday."
"But that choice is YOURS and, to a lesser extent, maybe your husband's."
"It is not your friend's place to judge or comment on when that happens."
"OP, it sounds like your 'friend' is feeling some kind of way about your life choices, and it might be time to reassess how much access you want to give this person."
"Any time someone expects you to prioritize their wedding over your personal life should be handled with caution."
"They're almost always sh*tty people."
'She's offering no accommodation and no compromise."
"Don't go."
"Find a new friend." ~ SecretAgentOrangeMan
OP responded...
"Thank you so much!"
"I really needed to hear that."
"I really do feel awful. I'm going to miss it, but I think her not having kids of her own and being a very optimistic and spontaneous person, she just doesn't understand and is taking it as an insult that I don't care about her or our friendship enough to go."
"It's putting me in a really tough situation because I'm not willing to jeopardize my family's financial situation or emotional well-being to go party for three days."
"The wedding and the bridal shower alone are already going to cost us a lot of money to attend."
Reddit continued...
"NTA. My friends were disappointed in me when I said I wouldn't go for a girl's trip to go with them to this boutique wedding dress shop a few hours away."
"I was the only one with a kid; she was 1, and I wasn't comfortable leaving her overnight yet."
"When you're a parent you have different responsibilities and different priorities." ~ CrabbiestAsp
NTA. I must be old because I remember when Hen (as we call them here in the UK) parties were like an afternoon/evening.
"Remember, an invitation is not a summons." ~ Gemzanity
"NTA. Setting aside the issue of your child, it sounds like this event would be a financial burden on you and your husband, and that is reason enough."
"Tell her you are unable to attend, but you are looking forward to the wedding."
"If she keeps on guilt-tripping you, ask her directly why she is working so hard to make you feel bad." ~ IwantaJaguar
"NTA. For some reason, now people getting married think it's acceptable for others to go broke, leave their kids, and put their lives on hold for a wedding that isn't even theirs."
"So many unrealistic expectations." ~ Brains4Beauty
"NTA. The wedding is one thing, but her guilt-tripping you over a bachelorette party is completely unreasonable."
"That's not what marriage is about."
"Your family comes first, and she's not being a good friend by refusing to respect that." ~ TornadoCat4
"NAH but wondering did she get to your bachelorette party if you had one?"
"This is my big fear, I'll prob be doing everything years after my friends do, and it's gonna suck when no one is available for me because they're all settled down, and I'm just getting started." ~ xHey_All_You_Peoplex
"NTA. Baby or not, you guys can't afford to take days off work."
"My brother is getting married In a few months, his bride is already like my sister."
"I wasn't able to go to her bachelorette party because we couldn't afford it at all."
"She had no problems with me not being able to go because I couldn't afford it."
"Don't feel bad about it. Especially because you have a kiddo to think about."
"You have to do what's best for your family and for you, even if it makes other people mad." ~ f**kifiknow1013
"NTA!!!!!!! People are out of control with this wedding cost bulls**t."
"Extravagant bachelorette parties, destination weddings, gift expectations etc..."
"It's a lot of nerve to ask people to spend so much money because they are getting married. 'Oh yeah, we saved a block of rooms in Hawaii so you can book it for the wedding week.'"
"And don't forget to plan and pay for my bridal shower too."
"OP, be honest that it's too expensive and your family comes first." ~ According_Smoke1385
"Sigh. It's once in a lifetime for HER."
"You have responsibilities and the logistics don't work for you and your family."
"When did bachelorette parties become vacations?!"
"It's meant to be a night out, get a bit drunk, wear stupid s**t, and play a few silly games."
"It shouldn't have the ability to ruin your finances, involve multiple days off work so you lose even more money. NTA." ~ Cosmicshimmer
"NTA. Weddings usually take extensive planning and spring this on you last minute isn't cool."
"Most people have to plan MONTHS in advance, not everyone can just spontaneously pack up and go." ~ urfatherfigure69
"Tell her she'll have to pay for your travel, lodgings, dining, and entertainment in addition to paying for your husband's time off work."
"Put it into numbers how much this weekend will cost and that if she insists you're there, she needs to pony up the cash upfront."
"Otherwise, sorry, but no. NTA." ~ SnooDrawings1480
"NTA, but I see a lot of black-and-white thinking."
"Maybe you could take ONE day (hopefully when hubby is already off work) where you leave early in the morning, spend the day or a few hours with them, then are home that evening."
"It will still be a sacrifice, but much less than otherwise." ~ LowBetaBeaver
OP came back with more info...
"Our family currently only has one car, so I would only be able to go down with them, considering I can not take our only car and leave my husband alone and careless with our daughter."
"Also, I just found out that I would need to pay $250 for my share of the place we would be staying at ON TOP of my husband missing two days of unpaid work."
"I'm upset to disappoint my friend, but also angry about how she does not care how this will be a huge financial burden to my family."
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your friend needs to step up as a real "friend."
Not everybody can attend everything.
You may need to have a serious, calm talk with her.
Maybe she just needs some direct, blunt, basic facts.
You're doing the right thing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp