Is there a situation where "the principle" of something is worth making things awkward between you and your partner? What about if it involves standing your ground with your mother-in-law?
A Reddit user "Throwaway_bodypillow" asked the AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") subReddit for their thoughts after they got into an admittedly petty standoff over ... well ... throwing away a body pillow.
Gotta love it when a username works on multiple levels.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to get rid of the anime body pillow that saved my marriage?"
Before we get into the details of this body pillow, how it saved the marriage, and who wants to get rid of it; let's talk about how AITA works.
First, the original poster (OP) tells their tale as a post. Once users have read it, they hop into the comments section to share their thoughts and cast their votes.
Here are the options:
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Now back to this big-deal of a body pillow.
"My husband and I are best friends during the day. Love of my life. It's at night that's an issue."
"I'm a blanket stealer. I once yanked them so hard poor Hubby flipped a full 180."
"Hubby, for his part, is a thrasher. Bruce Lee would be jealous of the moves he pulls off while unconscious."
"It's a constant war between us when we fall asleep, and both of us often wake up sore and exhausted. It was starting to affect our relationship."
"Neither of us wanted to move to a separate bed because we like spending our nights together, but it seemed like an inevitability."
"We were both crabby every morning, and we started fighting as soon as we got up. It sucked, but neither of us wanted to concede defeat and move to the other bed."
"Quick background: I was a huge nerd as a teenager. Full on otaku (go ahead, cringe, I do too)."
"One night as a joke, I brought down an old anime body pillow from the attic (I know, the cringe) and plopped it down between my husband and I, declaring it our 'demilitarized zone.' "
"Hubby also thought it was hilarious, and we named her DMZ-chan. She stayed there the whole night."
"It was a game changer."
"DMZ-chan protected me from Hubby's REM-induced rampages, and she's just heavy enough that I can't yank the blankets at full speed."
"DMZ-chan is now a beloved part of our nightly routine. We both thought it was the funniest thing, but she legitimately helped us solve the only real issue in our marriage."
"One day, my mother-in-law stopped by to pick something up. She got up to use the restroom, passing by our open bedroom door."
"You can guess what she saw. DMZ-chan, propped up in the middle of our bed, her giant soulful anime eyes looking right back at MIL."
"When she got back, she quickly grabbed her stuff and left, Hubby and I both confused. She later mentioned DMZ-chan to Hubby while they were on the phone, and it absolutely mortified him."
"I should mention the pillow is not entirely NSFW, but leaning heavily towards lewd. She is in a uniform on one side and lingerie on the other."
"As far as I know, my mother-in-law now thinks we're deviants in a three-way relationship with a body pillow."
"Hubby was too embarrassed to explain, and now he wants to put DMZ-chan back in the attic."
"I was upset. I told him I didn't want to go back to boxing each other at night, and that DMZ-chan helped us so much in that."
"He agreed, but suggested we get a normal, plain body pillow case to replace her."
"I felt like there was no need to spend money on something we already have, and if it really was that big of an issue, we can put her in the closet while we have company over."
"Hubby is firm in that she has to go permanently. I know he's embarrassed, but I feel we shouldn't have to compromise our inside jokes to appease other people. I feel like he's kowtowing to MIL about a private issue."
"AITA?"
In the comments, OP shared this image as an example of the style of body pillow they are referring to.
"It's something like this. Not totally NSFW but leaning towards lewd. I'm probably desensitized to it by now but yeah could be considered weird."
Reddit was honestly kind of torn on this one.
"NTA, the real problem isn't about removing the pillow, but the fact that your MIL made a scene about something that isn't any of her business. Your husband should stop enabling that." - hajitha
"YTA. Husband already suggested a normal cover and OP refused. She seems attached to the anime cover and is willing for that to be an issue in their marriage." - SaintSilversin
"ESH. MIL sucks for making such a big deal about it."
"Husband for not explaining a simple and straightforward situation to his mom and instead having this knee-jerk reaction."
"You for not taking the reasonable compromise of a plain pillowcase for it." - WinterSummer520
"Y kind of TA. Maybe he is kowtowing, but this is still causing friction in your marriage for something that's not a huge deal.:
"This is the perfect place for a compromise. It's a pillowcase.
"Whether he is doing it for his mom or not, you can do this for your spouse. Just make sure it doesn't happen with important stuff in the future." - Ceralt
"NAH. This is not even an issue. They're adults and it's perfectly reasonable for her husband to want less immature bedroom decor."
"I would also have found it funny, but wouldn't want to sleep with an anime body pillow forever. Her husband wants to move on from the joke now, and that's okay." - chicken_keith
"ESH."
"It's reasonable to say, 'Let's not have a cringy anime pillow where guests might see it.'"
"It's reasonable to say, 'Let's keep our anime pillow, it's a beloved inside joke and anybody who's offended by it can stay our of our bedroom.'"
"It's not reasonable to refuse any compromise and let it be a major issue."
"In a sense, you need a metaphorical DMZ-chan to negotiate this argument between you and your husband."
"He's thrashing about reflexively to placate his mother. You're trying to yank the blanket of marital privacy back over to your side." - sthetic
"I don't think it's just the MIL, nosey and ridiculous as she was. It was the reminder of how it's seen."
"And it's a wonderful idea to suggest that people shouldn't be so bothered by how people look at them, but it doesn't always make it possible. He's seeing the potential judgment and wants to avoid it." - TurboFool
"NAH, except maybe MIL (depending on the specifics of what she said to him)."
"He might not be bending to her will as much as looking at it embarrasses him now, knowing she knows about it."
"Feeling embarrassed/shame can really knock how much somebody can appreciate or tolerate a thing. The point of an in-joke is for people to enjoy it, and at this point, your husband is no longer enjoying the joke."
"You're not an a**hole, but for the well-being of your marriage, it might be best to give on this one."
"Don't think of this as your MIL getting her way, think about it as doing something for your husband that increases his comfort." - mosstalgia
"Ok but it's not about appeasing other people anymore, is it?"
"Your husband is now uncomfortable with the pillow. You wouldn't be uncomfortable with the plain pillow he is suggesting so it seems pretty obvious what the choice here should be."
"YTA. Unpopular, I know." - Lopsidedmarketing64
"I definitely see where both sides are coming from. Getting a normal pillowcase is an easy compromise for sure, and depending on the person a conversation like that with their parents could be pretty traumatic."
"But I also see where OP is coming from, I think. They mention multiple times that they know it's nerdy and or cringe or whatever."
"They seem sort of ashamed of it, but I think maybe being able to joke about their past and even bring a little of it into their present may have given them a deeper sense of comfort with their partner and that is what is being compromised here."
"I don't really think it's about the pillow so much as it is about her opening that part of herself up to him, him initially liking it and having fun with it, and then changing his mind entirely when an outside entity said 'eh I think it's kinda weird'."
"An Otaku has usually spent a fair chunk of their time having people treat them different or call them weird cause of their interests; and it's probably a little jarring to have it happen at home as an adult now too."
"This is all conjecture of course, but I do think that the issue for OP is more that someone outside of their relationship was able to influence one of them to stop enjoying something they once enjoyed for basically no reason." - MeowthThatsRite
"YTA just think is this really the hill you want to die on?"
"I don't think it's unreasonable to be embarrassed. It's something he might have been fine with because it's just the two of you. But now he might be realizing anyone who accidentally walks by might see it."
"It's a factor he hasn't considered and it's changed his opinion. That happens."
"He has presented a perfectly reasonable compromise in a new pillow/pillow case. And you have shut him down because you don't think his feelings are valid."
"That isn't okay."
"On a side note my husband and I have used separate blanks for a while. You can sleep in the same bed but be separate." - exhauta
"Yep, YTA."
"That is the level of body pillow that'll have non-weebs judging you and also be embarrassing to be seen with. I fully endorse getting a new pillow."
"A good test for cringyness is if you would be willing to be seen in public, with the lewd part in front, for all to see?"
"Knowing that to anyone who hasn't seen the show, they're assuming you're walking around with a child in her panties on a pillow..." - nevariine
The comments seem to have hit on something for OP, because they shared an update.
"Sweet bees this blew up. Was not expecting all the attention."
"Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for chiming in. I admit I was being stubborn; I drove over to Target on my lunch break and bought a new cover for 10 bucks."
"I put it on DMZ-chan as soon as I got home (to those asking, I did wash her after fishing her out of the attic), and am now waiting on Hubby to get home so I can apologize for making him uncomfortable."
"DMZ-chan shall live on in our hearts. And under the blanket when company's over."
We wish many hours of restful sleep for the couple.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp