Parents may try hard to raise and care for their children, but parents are human and make mistakes, too.
Sometimes, those same parents continue to make mistakes when their children are grown up, and their mistakes might even worsen with age, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH).
Redditor SunFree9956 had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law, who was incredibly judgmental about how people lead their lives and raise their children.
But when she repeatedly came over unannounced and would criticize her for what they were doing when she arrived, the Original Poster (OP) felt it was time either for her mother-in-law to stop commenting or to stop visiting.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for telling my mother-in-law that if she comes over unannounced, she can't comment on what we should or should not be doing?"
The OP's mother-in-law liked to come by without warning, especially in the evening.
"Earlier, around 8:00 PM or so, after we got comfortable and got ready to watch a movie, my (30 Female) mother-in-law came over UNANNOUNCED, even though she knew my toddler (age 3) was sick."
"My mother is currently at my house, helping watch him since I've been really tired and sleepy from waking up, meeting his needs, etc. I prefer my own mother since she doesn't comment on what we can or can't watch, do, etc., around our kid."
The OP's mother-in-law was also very judgmental.
"For context: my mother-in-law is a strict Jehovah's Witness along with her husband. She doesn't like swearing, raised my husband to be a certain way that fits her image of a perfect son who isn't disrespectful, avoids conflict, doesn't swear, etc., etc.)"
"I honestly hate the way she raised her kids, so I promised myself I won't raise my son in the same way."
"There are times she'll come over and pray with my son over dinner (I don't have anything against it and even smile as she does sometimes). I honestly find it cute when my son says 'amen,' but if it were another mother I know they'd be p**sed."
They got into an argument when the OP's mother-in-law stopped by.
"Anyway, today she came over unannounced, and even my husband (31 Male) was confused and said, 'Why did you come without telling us? Like you could've let us know...'"
"She got offended like, 'You don't speak to your mother like that!'"
"She then asked what we were doing, and I said, 'Yeah, look, thanks for bringing the fruit, but we're just about to watch a movie...'"
"She immediately butted in, 'What movie?'"
"I said it was a thriller, and she said our toddler won't watch that. I responded, 'Okay, well, he will be in the room, so it's only our business.'"
"She went on again about something, so I was like, 'If you're gonna come over unannounced to our place, please don't comment on what we can and can't watch. He is allowed to watch whatever we allow him to.'"
"And he wasn't really gonna watch; he was just going to be in the play area while my mother occupied him."
"So she got offended at that and said, 'Okay, I'll go then.'"
The OP was fed up with her mother-in-law.
"My mother told me I was so rude and b***hy, and she goes, 'It's okay, I'll just go, she doesn't want me here' and more guilt tripping."
"I honestly hate that I'm always painted out to be the bad guy, and maybe I could use a nicer tone, but I HAATE being told what to do."
"One time at a park when we were all out together, she told a random kid to stop climbing up the slide the wrong way and to stop putting sand over the slide as it's 'not safe' and used her 'I'm a primary school teacher's assistant' excuse to stick her nose where it doesn't belong."
"I told her not to comment on other people's kids, because it's weird and creepy. The mother comes and goes, 'No sweetheart, don't listen to the lady, you can play however you like.' I felt so bad, I was like yes, let the kid play however; he's not being a problem,' and I apologised to the lady."
"I swear, my mother-in-law doesn't know when to quit. I may be the a**hole (I am to everyone else)."
"But this lady makes me uncomfortable to breathe around. I am always walking on eggshells, putting things on to make her satisfied whenever she does come over."
"How can I honestly stay calm under these situations with people this insane?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to agree with her mother-in-law the next time she tried to guilt-trip her.
"The next time she tries to guilt-trip you with, 'I'll just go. You don't want me here' bulls**t, tell her, I'm so glad you understand. Nite!'"
"Do not let her bully you. And don't let her push her religion on your kid. NTA." - butterflygardyn
"NTA. You cope by saying the simple phrase, 'Don't tell me how to parent my child.'"
"Don't JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain."
"You're the parent, you don't need to get into a discussion with her. She will try the 'But I am your parent' routine or the 'I know where I'm not wanted or appreciated!' routine, but just keep repeating that phrase. This is calm assertiveness." - ForwardPlenty
"NTA, and you don't have to. Stand calm, I mean. Tell her to get out every time she tries to interfere with you. Every. Single. Time. And don't give in. It's the only way to get her to stop." - DawnShakhar
"NTA. Have a conversation with your husband about not opening the door if she comes over unannounced. Perhaps you need a ring doorbell or something similar."
"Your husband needs to have a conversation with his Mom. I’d personally be framing it as being polite in other people’s homes and ensuring typical social norms are being followed outside the home. We as a society no longer parent other people’s kids. We save them from imminent danger, but that is it." - Bliezz
"Your house, your rules. Period."
"If necessary, go low/no contact until she can be respectful of you and your home. If she shows up at the door, don't answer."
"If she complains that you didn't answer the door, just tell her you were watching a gory movie with lots of cussing! Tell your husband and make him stick to it!" - Creative-Praline-517
Others also agreed that the OP and her husband needed firmer boundaries and a locked door.
"Her showing up uninvited and unannounced doesn’t mean she’s allowed in. Assuming she rings the bell or whatever and is let in via the door, stop her there. Thanks for the fruit, bye!" - No0dl3s
"Since she likes to stop by at night, especially, just don’t answer the door! It’s time to settle in for the night, not time for visitors." - tashishcrow21
"If you don't have a doorbell camera, it might be time for one."
"If she shows up unannounced, don't answer the door. If she simply walks in, start locking your door."
"If she has a key, it's time to change the locks. Because a woman like that has already made a copy of it, so simply taking the key back won't help." - pupperoni42
"Let her know that if she shows up unexpectedly, she will not be allowed in. If she has something to drop off, she can leave it at your door. You don't even have to open the door." - morganalefaye125
"I hate having people just show up. It’s one of my pet peeves."
"My MIL would do this, so one time, she showed up, and I didn’t answer the door! It took two times, and she got the hint!" - ImmediateShallot7245
"Was she trying to establish that she's able to pop by whenever she wants because your mom was there and invited, and MIL wasn't? Feels like a bit of a boundary stomp to show off that she CAN do it, not that she was invited over." - TakenTheFifth
"Definitely NTA. It's your home and your child. I think maybe your husband should help straighten things out with his mother, rather than letting that job fall to you."
"Remind your husband that YOUR house is NOT an extension of his mom's house. And you need to sit down with that husband and have a serious talk about boundaries and responsibilities."
"Ask him who he married because it's coming across as if he married his mom, not you. And he NEEDS TO STEP UP AND BE CONSISTENT with HIS mom."
"And YOU need to address YOUR OWN mom. She is the guest in YOUR house and should NOT be weighing in on an argument that DOES NOT involve her. Find out WHY she got involved and address that as soon as possible. I don't care if she's doing you a favor; that doesn't give her carte blanche to treat you like you're a naughty child in your own home."
"Again, NTA." - Used_Clock_4627
As important as family is, it has to have boundaries, too, and sometimes those boundaries have to be even firmer than the ones set for the rest of society.
A mother-in-law like this might think that she knows best, but she needs to understand when her words are wanted and when they need to go home with her.
