Drawing boundaries with your in-laws is difficult, but it can border on impossible if you don't have your partner's support.
Reddit user Norman_Libra found herself stuck over how to handle her partner's mother, who insists on showing up and letting herself into the home unannounced. So she turned to the AITA ("Am I The A**hole?") subReddit for their thoughts.
She asked:
"Would I be the a**hole for telling my mother in law to stop coming over unannounced?"
Before we get into the details (and woooo the details) let's talk about how the AITA subReddit works.
The board is devoted to those moments in life where you're not sure who the jerk in a situation is.
People share their situations as posts. Others use the comments to respond to the original poster ("OP") and cast their votes.
Voting Options Are:
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Now that we covered the basics, let's get back to the post.
"Me (25F) and my boyfriend (30M) live together in a house that he bought last year."
"I'm working on getting my PhD so I did not have the money to apply for a mortgage. However, I pay for the groceries and paid for furniture."
"We made it clear that it would be OUR house and not just his."
"My relationship with my mother-in-law is good, but recently she picked up the habit to come over unannounced."
"For example:"
"I was napping on the couch and suddenly she entered the living room, asking me why I was asleep at 3PM and saying that I could have already started to make dinner for my boyfriend."
"I told her that I had worked the night before but she didn't think that was a valid reason to be taking a nap."
"A few days ago she came in while my boyfriend and I were both at work and threw away plants I had bought. When I asked her why, she told me she thought they were dead."
"They were not."
"Every time I am home alone I fear that she will randomly show up and tell me that I should take care of her son or that I'm not doing enough."
"I've talked to my boyfriend about this; he was very vague. Told me that she was trying to be nice, he thinks she is just 'looking out for him' and she has good intentions."
"I feel like I'm being cast as a 'bad woman' for not cleaning the whole day & making sure my boyfriend has a warm meal when he comes home from work. And for trying to rescue plants."
"It feels like she is checking on me or that she is gathering evidence to show her son that I will not make a good future wife."
"Would I be the a**hole for telling her to stop coming over unannounced?"
Reddit feels OP's pain hard.
"NTA, but confronting her isn't going to work unless your boyfriend tells her she needs to stop coming over unannounced and is willing to take away her keys and/or change the locks if she doesn't stop abusing the privilege."
"The fact that he's making excuses for her treating this like her household and you like a child she needs to correct (although throwing out your possessions would be seriously out of line even if you were her kid) when you need to feel safe and in control here means that your problem isn't really with her - it's with him."
"You need to make sure he gets why it's a problem before you make any further future plans together." - mm172
"No, don't let him get away with that."
"She is trying to be nice to him only, and is 'looking out for her little boy!' She is not being nice to you at all, and you need to bluntly tell your boyfriend this, and that it needs to stop."
"She wants you to be a good little subservient woman, who takes care of her boy, and is invading your space and judging you to try and guilt and criticize you into line."
"Tell your boyfriend he needs to call her out on her overstepping and disrespecting you, and he needs to tell her she is no longer allowed to come over without prior approval."
"She is not allowed to just let herself in, and you need to insist he get the key back if she doesn't listen."
"If your boyfriend doesn't back you in this, this is definitely something to get upset with him over and push. If he doesn't have a problem with his mother treating you this way, he may not be the person you thought he was."
"No you're NTA" - Permit-Extreme-117
"Definitely NTA but the issue is with the bf in the grand scheme of things."
"Y'all need to be able to get on the same page about these kind of things and then back each other up otherwise life is going to continue to be maddening" - beyoncessister
"NTA - you have less of a MIL problem (though you have one of those too), than you have a BF problem."
"He is totally fine with his mother continuing to mother him, even though he is an adult with a live in partner. He is totally fine with his mother trying to 'teach' you how to be a better spouse."
"You need to have a come-to-Jesus conversation about whether you are in a partnership of equals, or whether he and his mother think you are signing on to simply be his helpmeet and to sublimate all your needs and desires to his."
"You need to go into that conversation prepared to walk away if you don't like the answers he gives, or if his actions don't back up his words after the conversation."
"Step one should be changing the locks and NOT giving his mother a new key."
"She's not going to simply stop coming around. She doesn't think what she's doing is wrong."
"She will 'forget' she's not supposed to, and then do it often enough that gets normalized again." - Fraerie
"I won't even answer the door if someone comes over without making prior arrangements - no way would I want to wake up to someone unexpected in my house."
"Change the locks - problem solved. If BF disagrees then you all need to seriously discuss boundaries and how this relationship moves forward."
"NTA" - tikanique
"NTA. And it's a red flag that your boyfriend won't tell her himself."
"He thinks she's 'looking out for him' by harassing you about dinner and throwing away your houseplants??"
"Sounds like he agrees with her, he wants you cleaning the house and making dinner like a housewife." - WritPostWrit
"It really seems like the bf is just a child who needs a mother and that's causing two problems:"
"his mother feeling the need to overreach (and how he sees no problem with it) and how his mom is harassing OP into becoming his mother."
"NTA. It's gotta stop." - ha_look_at_that_nerd
"This is a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩! You need to put her in her place and lay down firm boundaries. Like right now."
"What she is doing is above and beyond disrespectful. It will only get worse."
"If your boyfriend doesn't back you up on this then you should break up with him. He should be mad about this too! It is not HER house."
"You are an adult and she is not your mother. You are not subordinate to her at all."
"Change the locks."
"It is a power move on her part. She doesn't need a key to YOUR house. She is doing this on purpose to dominate you and have control because that is how she is." - yeahyeahyeah00002
"It would be completely appropriate for you to ask anyone to stop coming over to your home unannounced."
"But your MIL is not the big issue here - your BF is. He doesn't see her actions as a problem."
"In his eyes, it's fine for her to randomly show up and instruct you on what you should be doing, throw away your things, criticize your actions."
"Focus on the real issue here and don't waste time or energy on side issues."
"Your MIL showing up unannounced and judging you in your own home is a big issue, but it's a side issue to the Main Issue - your BF thinks it's OK for you to be treated like this."
"Until you address that, you'll be playing whack a mole and never seeing any change because the root of the problem is your BF's lack of respect and support for you."
"NTA" - milee30
"Please don't justify yourself next time! You could be taking a nap for no other reason than being lazy, and it still would be absolutely none of her business whatsoever."
"I'm also not going to bother analyzing why every single thing she said in that sentence was insane. Just... does she think you're earning your PhD so you can embroider your apron with the word 'Dr'?"
"More importantly, though, does your boyfriend also think this? Because he should be telling his mother to stop, not justifying her invading your space like that."
"He said she was just trying to be nice? That's not trying to be nice."
"But since she is his mom, maybe just point out that regardless of intent, she didn't succeed in being nice. Regardless of intent, she succeeded in being invasive, misogynist, and condescending all in one."
"Let him figure out what the intentions were, but the effect needs to stop."
"If a toddler ruins a meal with too much salt, you forgive them, but you also take the salt away." - rational_electron
Reddit doesn't seem to put much weight into the boyfriend's "just being nice" theory... or the boyfriend, for that matter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp