The modern baby shower traces its origins to the post-WWII United States, circa the late 1940s and 1950s. A response to the Baby Boom and changing extended family dynamics, baby showers were created to help post-war families with the financial burdens of parenthood in a new America that saw families no longer living with multiple generations in one household and a desire for new products instead of family hand-me-downs.
Baby showers shifted centuries-old post-birth support rituals, when a child's grandmother often lived with the family for the baby's first year and with most of a couple's relatives living close by to pitch in, to pre-birth parties where moms-to-be were "showered" with gifts.
Like bridal showers, baby showers focused on the mother and baby, excluding the father and any male friends or relatives. As traditional families adapt further, baby showers are increasingly no longer mothers only and for pregnant women alone.
Parents who adopt or who use surrogacy and fathers are also joining in on the baby shower ritual.
But if a shower is organized and the men in the circle of friends and family are deliberately excluded, should there be any expectation of gifts from uninvited people?
An excluded brother-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Joestahh asked:
"AITA for refusing to buy a baby shower gift?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my sister-in-law is having her second baby, and is throwing a baby shower last minute. It’s a girls only shower, so I am not invited."
"Not a big deal, but my sister texted me asking if I (and my brothers) could still contribute for a gift that’s on her registry: a $720 stroller. My sister convinced my sister in law to put it on the registry—we have a big family, so the idea was everyone would contribute $50ish dollars, regardless of if we were going to the shower or not."
"The $50 is not the problem. In my eyes, if I’m not even invited to the shower, should I be expected to contribute to an absurdly expensive gift?"
"I mean if it was clothes, diapers, wipes, etc... that’s one thing, but the stroller to me is an unreasonable expectation. I was more so upset that they even asked my little brother to contribute, who works at McDonald’s and just graduated high school."
"So I declined. I told her that 'if it’s a girls only shower, then it’s a girls only registry'."
"AITA for thinking that $50 each is too big of an ask for a shower we’re not even going to?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because it’s my sister-in-law, and at the end of the day—it’s $50. It wasn’t a demand, it was a request to help out."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I would love to find a $750 stroller. I’m pregnant with twins and looking for a stroller that fits two babies of the same size ( not a baby and toddler) and they are like $2000…. It’s absolutely unreal how expensive kid sh*t is."
And come to find out most double strollers aren’t for twins! They’re for an older child and NEW baby with a car seat adapter…."
"There are very few stroller that accommodate twin newborns, which is why the ones that do are like $1500-2600."
"I’m literally going down the rabbit hole of twin strollers and I had no idea about this before I became pregnant with my twins." ~ rqnadi
"Showers are for first babies only. Everything else after the first child is a cash/gift grab." ~ Stock-Mountain-6063
"Even as someone who is staunchly child free, I can see how that's not automatically the case."
"For big, extravagant, unnecessary items? Yes."
"But a lot of baby items are consumables--onesies, socks, burp cloths, bottles, pacifiers, those gross snot sucker things, diapers, wipes, baby spoons."
"While I personally don't think you should have kids if you can't afford them, there are items that would need to be new for a new baby."
"Having a big party for it is another can of worms entirely though." ~ sheerpoetry
"Also, throwing yourself a baby shower (which is how I read the post) is tacky as hell." ~ Remarkable_Lake_3333
"If you don't go to the shower, you don't usually give a gift. Not everyone buys a baby gifts." ~ galaxy1985
"Years ago showers tended to be female only but not necessarily true today."
"But, showers were generally only for the first baby unless a baby came along after the other children were well past the baby age and all the baby stuff had been given away." ~ Nonnie0224
"Ehh. I’m gonna say NAH. Contributing $50 for a close family member having a baby seems like a reasonable ask, even if there was no baby shower involved at all. But since it's an ask, 'no' is also a reasonable response." ~ pathto250s
"NTA. Sending the registry around and pressuring people for gifts is extremely rude behaviour. No one is owed gifts for choosing to have a child, regardless of whether you were invited to the shower or not." ~ Ancient-Feedback-405
"Embarrassingly tacky. No invite, no gift, especially for a second shower."
"And in no world do you ask the 18 year old with a summer job for $50. Plus 'family gifts' need to be decided on as a family." ~ klef3069
"A gift is something you give out of love - not because you're getting a gift or something back. My therapist calls that transactional love. (I had to explain why I didn't want a baby shower and apparently had to be taught at 38 that people who love you want to celebrate your milestones.)" ~ SpookyGhostie
"A gift is also something you want to give and without the item and amount being dictated to you." ~ nothappening111181
"Hell no, it’s a SECOND BABY SHOWER! Did she get a first baby shower? Why on earth does she need a $700 stroller if she already had a kid?"
"It’s so tacky to ask people who aren’t invited to also contribute money to buy a gift to be given at the shower. NTA." ~ JudgeJudyScheindlin
"The point of the first shower is to acquire major gear like strollers and high chairs. However, it is very common to celebrate subsequent babies with a smaller, low-key gathering known as a 'baby sprinkle' which focuses on stocking up on essentials and diapers."
"So your idea of diapers, wipes, etc... is just fine. NTA." ~ YakCertain5472
"NTA. Besides the fact that you aren’t invited, since when is it normal for people to throw their own baby shower? And for their second baby?? You also don’t get to dictate what other people give you as a gift. That’s tacky and rude." ~ ecurtisk
"NTA. And I imagine she still has the stroller from Baby #1. You're not invited, so are not part of this party. And asking your little brother to contribute the same is cruel. Once the baby arrives, gift whatever you wish and consider appropriate." ~ CanAhJustSay
"NTA, 'hey I don’t want you at the event but can you contribute to buy me an expensive item I definitely don’t need but want'.” ~ ClintBIgwood
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but: is her first child still quite young? If so, she may well need a double-stroller rather than a single."
"Clothes can be reused from the first baby, and I actually find asking for diapers far cheekier than asking for contributions for a new stroller, particularly if it satisfies a need that her first stroller didn't (e.g. a double rather than a single)."
"While I don't particularly like a 'girls-only shower,' I do understand that some people prefer them. I still think a gift for your future niece/nephew is a nice thing, and if $50 isn't a big deal to you, then I think your sister could reasonably ask you if you wanted to chip in."
"Asking your little brother, though, is terrible behavior." ~ BillieDusk
"NTA. No, I absolutely would not contribute to an absurdly expensive stroller. Where is the stroller from the first baby? There is rarely a shower after the first baby unless they are many years apart." ~ Itchy_Juice_2528
"NTA. Tell your sis you would rather gift something more practical. And for second baby? Why can't she use the stroller she already had? I remember purchasing a $25 stroller for my first kid and using it x3." ~ 1isten1ng
"NTA, for a whole lot of reasons. First, having a shower for a second baby is tacky. Second, the registry is enough—again, extremely tacky for your sister herself to direct people to the registry and request a gift and suggest monetary amounts per person. Third, they are choosing to have a second kid! If they want a double stroller, budget for and buy one!" ~ lmholot1981
Reddit had a lot of feelings about having a baby shower for a second child and the cost of strollers.
But OP was asked if they wanted to contribute. No is an acceptable response if it was truly a request and not a demand.
