When a baby is on the way, there is so much to be done; the process can be daunting.
One of the most popular to-do's are often big events to attend and plan, like baby showers.
Baby showers are a must and a right of passage for many.
But sometimes they can cause more drama than fun.
Redditor Welovesportz wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA For not wanting to have two baby showers and have my pregnant wife travel 4 hours for one?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Essentially, my wife and I are expecting our first child at the end of October/beginning of November."
"We live in the same area as her family and about 4 hours from mine."
"It is very early on, but we are planning to have the baby shower up by us at her family's home."
"Today, my mom reached out, and she said she is going to throw us a baby shower, and it will be in September."
"We ultimately do not want two baby showers, nor do I want my wife to travel 4 hours in a car that late in her pregnancy."
"Earlier does not work due to a jam-packed schedule this summer."
"My mom is someone who always wants to put together big parties and gets upset when someone else does."
"For example, she is still upset that she did not get to host the bridal shower even though she hosted two engagement parties for us."
"I called my mom and said thank you for the offer, but we were looking to have the bridal shower up here and only wanted to have one shower."
"She proceeded to tell me how this is a slap in the face to her and my side of the family."
"I claimed that I did not think of them when making this decision and am separating myself from the family."
"For what it's worth, I am in consistent communication with members of my family and come home every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas."
"On top of that, I come home once a quarter for a work visit and spend the entire week with them."
"We also just got back from a 4-day trip to Florida with my parents."
"She told me I do not care about my 2 aunts and 2 cousins that would be affected by this, and that they will likely not come for it."
"I told her I understand that those 4 may not make the trip, and I completely understand."
Frankly, I am omitting some of what she said because it was a full-blown crash-out and a lot of tears.
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I find it interesting that your cousins won’t make the trip because of how far it is, but your mother doesn’t grasp that you also do not want to make that trip."
"It sounds like your mother is having trouble cutting the cord and may need to get some therapy/hobbies."
"Good luck. NTA." ~ geekylace
"Yep, people often seem to forget that it's the same distance both ways. NTA." ~ okicarp
"NTA. The pregnant woman gets to decide."
"She doesn't want to travel 4 hours each way while 7 months pregnant, and I completely don't blame her."
"If your family doesn't want to travel to the shower near you, they can attend by Zoom." ~ MollyOMalley99
"NTA. I'm a 60-year-old male, and I wouldn't drive 4 hours for my own retirement party even if I wasn't having one in my hometown."
"And that WOULD be my reason, too far away."
"I couldn't imagine (duh) being pregnant and going on such a trip." ~ buckeyekaptn
"As the mother of 2 adult children and with several grandchildren in the family, I can confidently say that your mother's expectations are wildly inappropriate."
"She sounds like a narcissist."
"Try not to let her ruin this special time with you and your wife."
"Thank goodness she doesn't live in the same town as you. NTA." ~ VegaSolo
"NTA, but it’s time to start putting those boundaries in place now because I guarantee you she is going to be the nightmare 'Grandma' make it clear now you are an adult capable of making your own decisions, and no, there will not be two baby showers."
"Her options are to show up to the one you’re having or to send a gift along with those who can’t make it from your side of the family. No room for compromise here." ~ Independent_Peak8500
"100%. I see many arguments about holidays and birthdays in your future if you aren’t clear about what you're willing to do and not do." ~ UnsuspectingPuppy
"NTA. Baby showers are supposed to be about helping the parents to be. Instead, your mom is making this about her."
"It sounds like she's done this before, for your wedding."
"You're about to be a parent, and that means you need to put your wife and child first, in front of your mom."
"You need to be willing to let your mom cry when she doesn't get her way."
"And it might mean monitoring her interactions with your kid when they get older, to be sure that she's not manipulating your child." ~ peakerforlife
"100000%. Your mother is exhausting."
"Not only is she making an already anxious time about herself and not your wife and you, but that late in her pregnancy, she is NOT going to want to sit in a car for four hours."
"Trust me in this."
"Been there, done that."
"Her doctor may not even allow it."
"OP, how often do your relatives come to see you and your wife?"
"Tell them, 'it’s just as far from my house to yours as it is from yours to mine… and you and the rest aren’t late-stage pregnant.'”
"NTA. Lovely husband and future father, though."
"Keep standing up for your wife and future children."
"THEY are your primary priorities now, not the (childlike) sensibilities of relatives." ~ Mundane-Scarcity-219
"NTA. Say you and your wife are both happy with one party."
"Travel at that time is too uncomfortable, and your Mum/cousins, etc., are all invited to the one closest to your home."
"The cousins seriously won't care if they can't make it."
"Your Mum is just trying to make it all about her."
"You need to stop this now before the baby is born, and she insists on being at the birth/visiting for a month straight after/insisting you drive to her every weekend with a newborn/crying she never sees you, and wanting you to come alone, leaving your wife with the baby constantly."
"Boundaries!" ~ hotmumma7
"Oh, it sounds like she would be absolutely thrilled because it would present additional opportunities for her to control OP, his wife, and the new baby."
"She’s giving 'I should be the one to hold the baby first' energy."
"OP NTA."
"I was in excruciating pain at the end of my pregnancy, and a four-hour car ride would simply have not been possible."
"Please stick to your boundaries."
"I have a feeling Mommy Dearest is going to be very upset and escalate further."
"It’s important to shield your pregnant partner from your mom’s wrath at no longer being the center of attention."
"Good luck!" ~ Brave_Appointment812
"NTA. Today it’s the baby shower, next time it’s the baby‘s first birthday party, and on and on and on."
"There’s a four-hour travel time difference."
"Your wife is pregnant now, but you’re not gonna want to be traveling all the time with a baby or a toddler either."
"Your family needs to get used to traveling." ~ traveler_21
"NTA, I'm going to my home state in May, and my mom's friends want to host a baby shower for me."
"We've told my mom no multiple times bc we're going to a wedding and don't wanna be overwhelmed."
"Plus, we're having our shower at our house, so nobody has to schlep gifts from one place to another." ~ Sassaphras-680
"NTA. Mom's comfort is the most important thing here."
"To be upset that the really pregnant woman doesn't want to drive 8 hours so others can feel good they get to give her gifts is completely inappropriate."
"Good for you for standing up for your wife." ~ carriebelleknows
"NTA - are there people in this life who love baby showers so much that they’d be devastated to miss one, and yet not willing to drive 4 hours, stay in a hotel, and drive home?"
"Seems unlikely, given that the best of showers are dull affairs."
"This is about your mom - she needs to deal with whatever emotions she has, and you’re right to protect your wife." ~ Charming-Pack-5979
"NTA. Your mom is not the AH for offering to hold a shower, but she is definitely the AH for trying to guilt you into coming to a second shower when one is already planned."
"You can certainly point out that the distance is the same, and you will totally understand if your aunts and cousins can't make it."
"Do yourself and your wife a favor and hold firm on this kind of stuff."
"Otherwise, your mother will continue to guilt her way into running your life." ~ 1962Michael
OP came back with a little 411...
"Did not mention it in the above, but yes, my wife is 100% in the same boat as me."
"We are completely in sync on this."
"Also, for clarification, my mom would, in fact, come up for the baby shower up here."
"In her perfect world, she would host her own in my hometown and attend the one up here."
Your mother is completely out of line.
One shower is more than enough.
Congratulations and Good Luck!
