When a baby is on the way, there is so much to be done; the process can be daunting.
One of the most popular to-do's are often big events to attend and plan, like baby showers.
Baby showers are a must and a right of passage for many.
But sometimes they can cause more drama than fun.
Redditor Welovesportz wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA For not wanting to have two baby showers and have my pregnant wife travel 4 hours for one?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Essentially, my wife and I are expecting our first child at the end of October/beginning of November."
"We live in the same area as her family and about 4 hours from mine."
"It is very early on, but we are planning to have the baby shower up by us at her family's home."
"Today, my mom reached out, and she said she is going to throw us a baby shower, and it will be in September."
"We ultimately do not want two baby showers, nor do I want my wife to travel 4 hours in a car that late in her pregnancy."
"Earlier does not work due to a jam-packed schedule this summer."
"My mom is someone who always wants to put together big parties and gets upset when someone else does."
"For example, she is still upset that she did not get to host the bridal shower even though she hosted two engagement parties for us."
"I called my mom and said thank you for the offer, but we were looking to have the bridal shower up here and only wanted to have one shower."
"She proceeded to tell me how this is a slap in the face to her and my side of the family."
"I claimed that I did not think of them when making this decision and am separating myself from the family."
"For what it's worth, I am in consistent communication with members of my family and come home every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas."
"On top of that, I come home once a quarter for a work visit and spend the entire week with them."
"We also just got back from a 4-day trip to Florida with my parents."
"She told me I do not care about my 2 aunts and 2 cousins that would be affected by this, and that they will likely not come for it."
"I told her I understand that those 4 may not make the trip, and I completely understand."
Frankly, I am omitting some of what she said because it was a full-blown crash-out and a lot of tears.
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I find it interesting that your cousins won’t make the trip because of how far it is, but your mother doesn’t grasp that you also do not want to make that trip."
"It sounds like your mother is having trouble cutting the cord and may need to get some therapy/hobbies."
"Good luck. NTA." ~ geekylace
"Yep, people often seem to forget that it's the same distance both ways. NTA." ~ okicarp
"NTA. The pregnant woman gets to decide."
"She doesn't want to travel 4 hours each way while 7 months pregnant, and I completely don't blame her."
"If your family doesn't want to travel to the shower near you, they can attend by Zoom." ~ MollyOMalley99
"NTA. I'm a 60-year-old male, and I wouldn't drive 4 hours for my own retirement party even if I wasn't having one in my hometown."
"And that WOULD be my reason, too far away."
"I couldn't imagine (duh) being pregnant and going on such a trip." ~ buckeyekaptn
"As the mother of 2 adult children and with several grandchildren in the family, I can confidently say that your mother's expectations are wildly inappropriate."
"She sounds like a narcissist."
"Try not to let her ruin this special time with you and your wife."
"Thank goodness she doesn't live in the same town as you. NTA." ~ VegaSolo
"NTA, but it’s time to start putting those boundaries in place now because I guarantee you she is going to be the nightmare 'Grandma' make it clear now you are an adult capable of making your own decisions, and no, there will not be two baby showers."
"Her options are to show up to the one you’re having or to send a gift along with those who can’t make it from your side of the family. No room for compromise here." ~ Independent_Peak8500
"100%. I see many arguments about holidays and birthdays in your future if you aren’t clear about what you're willing to do and not do." ~ UnsuspectingPuppy
"NTA. Baby showers are supposed to be about helping the parents to be. Instead, your mom is making this about her."
"It sounds like she's done this before, for your wedding."
"You're about to be a parent, and that means you need to put your wife and child first, in front of your mom."
"You need to be willing to let your mom cry when she doesn't get her way."
"And it might mean monitoring her interactions with your kid when they get older, to be sure that she's not manipulating your child." ~ peakerforlife
"100000%. Your mother is exhausting."
"Not only is she making an already anxious time about herself and not your wife and you, but that late in her pregnancy, she is NOT going to want to sit in a car for four hours."
"Trust me in this."
"Been there, done that."
"Her doctor may not even allow it."
"OP, how often do your relatives come to see you and your wife?"
"Tell them, 'it’s just as far from my house to yours as it is from yours to mine… and you and the rest aren’t late-stage pregnant.'”
"NTA. Lovely husband and future father, though."
"Keep standing up for your wife and future children."
"THEY are your primary priorities now, not the (childlike) sensibilities of relatives." ~ Mundane-Scarcity-219
"NTA. Say you and your wife are both happy with one party."
"Travel at that time is too uncomfortable, and your Mum/cousins, etc., are all invited to the one closest to your home."
"The cousins seriously won't care if they can't make it."
"Your Mum is just trying to make it all about her."
"You need to stop this now before the baby is born, and she insists on being at the birth/visiting for a month straight after/insisting you drive to her every weekend with a newborn/crying she never sees you, and wanting you to come alone, leaving your wife with the baby constantly."
"Boundaries!" ~ hotmumma7
"Oh, it sounds like she would be absolutely thrilled because it would present additional opportunities for her to control OP, his wife, and the new baby."
"She’s giving 'I should be the one to hold the baby first' energy."
"OP NTA."
"I was in excruciating pain at the end of my pregnancy, and a four-hour car ride would simply have not been possible."
"Please stick to your boundaries."
"I have a feeling Mommy Dearest is going to be very upset and escalate further."
"It’s important to shield your pregnant partner from your mom’s wrath at no longer being the center of attention."
"Good luck!" ~ Brave_Appointment812
"NTA. Today it’s the baby shower, next time it’s the baby‘s first birthday party, and on and on and on."
"There’s a four-hour travel time difference."
"Your wife is pregnant now, but you’re not gonna want to be traveling all the time with a baby or a toddler either."
"Your family needs to get used to traveling." ~ traveler_21
"NTA, I'm going to my home state in May, and my mom's friends want to host a baby shower for me."
"We've told my mom no multiple times bc we're going to a wedding and don't wanna be overwhelmed."
"Plus, we're having our shower at our house, so nobody has to schlep gifts from one place to another." ~ Sassaphras-680
"NTA. Mom's comfort is the most important thing here."
"To be upset that the really pregnant woman doesn't want to drive 8 hours so others can feel good they get to give her gifts is completely inappropriate."
"Good for you for standing up for your wife." ~ carriebelleknows
"NTA - are there people in this life who love baby showers so much that they’d be devastated to miss one, and yet not willing to drive 4 hours, stay in a hotel, and drive home?"
"Seems unlikely, given that the best of showers are dull affairs."
"This is about your mom - she needs to deal with whatever emotions she has, and you’re right to protect your wife." ~ Charming-Pack-5979
"NTA. Your mom is not the AH for offering to hold a shower, but she is definitely the AH for trying to guilt you into coming to a second shower when one is already planned."
"You can certainly point out that the distance is the same, and you will totally understand if your aunts and cousins can't make it."
"Do yourself and your wife a favor and hold firm on this kind of stuff."
"Otherwise, your mother will continue to guilt her way into running your life." ~ 1962Michael
OP came back with a little 411...
"Did not mention it in the above, but yes, my wife is 100% in the same boat as me."
"We are completely in sync on this."
"Also, for clarification, my mom would, in fact, come up for the baby shower up here."
"In her perfect world, she would host her own in my hometown and attend the one up here."
Your mother is completely out of line.
One shower is more than enough.
Congratulations and Good Luck!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp