As a Gen Xer, the showers—bridal or baby—of my adolescence and early adulthood were little affairs thrown by family, or friends, or coworkers. A person might get multiple showers if those groups didn’t overlap, but each gathering was quite small.
There might be a few sweets or finger foods, usually a cake, and gifts on theme for a new bride or baby. If it was catered, that usually meant a couple of meat and cheese, veggie and dip, or finger sandwich trays from a local grocery store, or it was a potluck.
Massive professionally catered affairs in lavish venues were reserved for the rich and famous.
But today—now that everyone’s everything is produced for the masses in the hopes of “going viral”—regular folks are breaking the bank to put on the most over the top personal events.
Baby and bridal showers are no different.
A brother who doesn’t feel like going bankrupt for a baby shower turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Nnolascol asked:
“AITA for telling my pregnant sister that I wanted nothing more to do with her baby shower?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My youngest sister (early 30s) is pregnant with her first child. The family is thrilled for her, as she and her partner have been trying for a long time to get pregnant.”
“When she announced it, she mentioned that she was having a baby shower and my sister and I (male, late 30s) offered to help out where we can.”
“For some reason, she took that as a ‘my brother said he would pay for the baby shower’ and drafted a guest list of 120 people. I decided to text her one day and ask her what her budget was and I heard nothing for at least a day.”
“My other sister and my mom mentioned that I had said to her that I would pay for the whole thing. That was never something I had offered to do.”
“She never addressed it with me directly and said that she and her partner would pay for everything.”
“I took charge of creating the evite, registration site, driving an hour away to book the hall and put a deposit down, offered to do the centre pieces, pay for the stroller, driving back to the hall to add extra time to the reservation (because their archaic system doesn’t allow people to book online), agree to pick up food on the day of, answer every inquiry from her guests who’ve registered in the system.”
“My husband offered to help out with the games for the shower. We saw my sister last week and she texted me on Monday saying, ‘if he doesn’t want to do the games, then tell me so I can give it to someone else’.”
“I finally messaged back and said that I thought her message was a little harsh and if she was trying to imply something that she should just say it out loud. She then responded by saying, ‘Fine. I’m disappointed by how much work you’ve put into this shower’.”
“That’s when I lost it. I was objective and listed everything I had contributed so far. I also pointed out that I had never agreed to pay for a baby shower with 120 guests.”
“I don’t know much about them, but I assumed they were intimate events in someone’s home and not something the size of a wedding. I had fewer people at my own wedding.”
“In addition to this, she complains about other people in her life to my mom and sister about how no one is pitching in. She asked my mom what she was contributing to the shower.”
“My 70-year-old retired mother was taken aback by that comment and offered to cook food for 120 people.”
“She’s been so ungrateful throughout this entire process and has since uninvited me to her shower and sarcastically said ‘enjoy your 40th’ and removed me from my sibling group chat.”
“Our chat was just me and my two sisters. She removed me, leaving just the two of them.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Telling my sister I wanted nothing to do with something that I think is ridiculously overhyped.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She sounds toxic and unhinged. You did more than most people would do. Nobody needs 120 people at a baby shower or a hall for it.”
“Your sister is greedy and attention-seeking. Hopefully, pregnancy has just caused temporary insanity.”
“Create an alternative sibling group chat without her. Explain what happened to your mother and sibling. Support your mom if you can, but not at the expense of your mental health.”
“Enjoy your 40th, and don’t sweat missing the baby shower. When she comes crawling back, listen and decide whether her apology is enough.” ~ Squiggles567
“NTA. Honestly, this is a massive overstep on her part. 120 people for a baby shower? That’s insane.”
“You’ve done way more than most people would, and she’s acting entitled and ungrateful. Creating a group chat without her sounds like a solid move.”
“Don’t waste your time stressing over her petty drama. If she ever comes back around, make her prove she’s truly sorry before even considering letting her back in. Enjoy your 40th without her!” ~ carolina1188
“Seriously! 120 people!? I’m 37 weeks pregnant, and my shower is actually this Saturday. We have like 15-20 people coming.”
“Like, I can’t even imagine having that many people at a shower! Our baby will be here a week from tomorrow… I don’t have the time, patience, or sanity to have a baby shower with 120 people… with or without help.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t mind the diapers, gifts, and baby things from that many people because these babies are expensive AF, but I can’t ‘people’ on my best days, let alone THIS pregnant and exhausted.”
“Maybe that’s why OP’s sister lost her mind. She’s overdone it and doesn’t know how to/can’t backtrack and is blaming everyone other than herself… either way… NTA, OP! At all!”
“Whether it’s hormone-related or not, she knows she’s in the wrong. Even when I’m being b*tchy because of my hormones, at some point, I catch myself like ‘why am I being such an AH today‽ What’s wrong with me‽‽’.”
“We all know when we’re being like that, the difference is whether or not someone has the balls to admit they’re wrong and apologize or if they double down and act like a bigger a**hole. Sis is def being an a**hole.” ~ maddypage87
“NTA. When people offer to help with a baby shower they’re intending on bringing some food, making invitations, some decorating, maybe some games planning.”
“They’re certainly not offering to pay for an obnoxious event. There’s no way your sister actually thought that.”
“Baby showers are not large events. They never have been. They are at most 30-40 people at someone’s house.”
“And even that is a ridiculous number. Your sister is taking advantage of you, she is being entirely unreasonable.” ~ Remarkable_Egg3201
“Exactly. There were maybe 20 people at my baby shower, and 5 of them were children. 120 people is way too many.”
“This isn’t an event to invite coworkers and every acquaintance to. It’s for family and close friends only.” ~ LadyLilac0706
“So I am the youngest of 7. My mom was the oldest of 11, and my dad was the middle of 12. Crazy I know, but good Irish Catholics. So just my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and 1st cousins resulted in well over 200 people.”
“When I had my baby shower, we had a BBQ in my parent’s backyard. My 6 SILs coordinated everything. Everybody brought food so it financially didn’t fall onto one person. Then everyone brought a small gift or grouped together to get larger items.”
“But honestly, almost everything was a hand-me-down from siblings/cousins (crib, high chair, strollers,exersaucer, swing, etc… Bulk of the gifts were diapers, wipes, onesies, sleep sacks.”
“And we were so grateful for every single thing we received. Never would have dreamed of treating my siblings the way OP’s sister did.”
“Honestly, she’s someone I would be thrilled to get the silent treatment from. OP, NTA. Your sister sounds like an entitled brat.” ~ holybucketsitscrazy
“NTA and I think you did way too much. I’d be grateful for the rescinded invitation, and I’d rescind her invitation to your life.”
“Fiancé asked me to add: can you send her an invoice for your time and any money you did spend?” ~ LowBalance4404
“Is this a baby shower or an opportunity for her to show off? It very much sounds like the latter.”
“You were paying for 120 guests and had to go in person to request more time. Your mother was cooking for 120 people.”
“It doesn’t sound like your sister wants to do anything for her own baby shower. You need to uninvite your money along with yourself. NTA.” ~ fancyandfab
“120 people at a baby shower? Every life event is way over the top now. When I had mine (20 years ago), it was at a friend’s house with about 10 guests.”
“We had snacks and a cake. I got some nice gifts, but nothing crazy because I would never expect friends—or even family to be honest—to shell out loads of money for MY child. Can’t we go back to doing simple things?” ~ Nadja-19
Reddit let OP know that being out of his sister’s shower planning—and life—was a blessing, not a punishment.
Whether he agrees is unclear.