As a Gen Xer, the showers—bridal or baby—of my adolescence and early adulthood were little affairs thrown by family, or friends, or coworkers. A person might get multiple showers if those groups didn't overlap, but each gathering was quite small.
There might be a few sweets or finger foods, usually a cake, and gifts on theme for a new bride or baby. If it was catered, that usually meant a couple of meat and cheese, veggie and dip, or finger sandwich trays from a local grocery store, or it was a potluck.
Massive professionally catered affairs in lavish venues were reserved for the rich and famous.
But today—now that everyone's everything is produced for the masses in the hopes of "going viral"—regular folks are breaking the bank to put on the most over the top personal events.
Baby and bridal showers are no different.
A brother who doesn't feel like going bankrupt for a baby shower turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Nnolascol asked:
"AITA for telling my pregnant sister that I wanted nothing more to do with her baby shower?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My youngest sister (early 30s) is pregnant with her first child. The family is thrilled for her, as she and her partner have been trying for a long time to get pregnant."
"When she announced it, she mentioned that she was having a baby shower and my sister and I (male, late 30s) offered to help out where we can."
"For some reason, she took that as a 'my brother said he would pay for the baby shower' and drafted a guest list of 120 people. I decided to text her one day and ask her what her budget was and I heard nothing for at least a day."
"My other sister and my mom mentioned that I had said to her that I would pay for the whole thing. That was never something I had offered to do."
"She never addressed it with me directly and said that she and her partner would pay for everything."
"I took charge of creating the evite, registration site, driving an hour away to book the hall and put a deposit down, offered to do the centre pieces, pay for the stroller, driving back to the hall to add extra time to the reservation (because their archaic system doesn't allow people to book online), agree to pick up food on the day of, answer every inquiry from her guests who've registered in the system."
"My husband offered to help out with the games for the shower. We saw my sister last week and she texted me on Monday saying, 'if he doesn't want to do the games, then tell me so I can give it to someone else'."
"I finally messaged back and said that I thought her message was a little harsh and if she was trying to imply something that she should just say it out loud. She then responded by saying, 'Fine. I'm disappointed by how much work you've put into this shower'."
"That's when I lost it. I was objective and listed everything I had contributed so far. I also pointed out that I had never agreed to pay for a baby shower with 120 guests."
"I don't know much about them, but I assumed they were intimate events in someone's home and not something the size of a wedding. I had fewer people at my own wedding."
"In addition to this, she complains about other people in her life to my mom and sister about how no one is pitching in. She asked my mom what she was contributing to the shower."
"My 70-year-old retired mother was taken aback by that comment and offered to cook food for 120 people."
"She's been so ungrateful throughout this entire process and has since uninvited me to her shower and sarcastically said 'enjoy your 40th' and removed me from my sibling group chat."
"Our chat was just me and my two sisters. She removed me, leaving just the two of them."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Telling my sister I wanted nothing to do with something that I think is ridiculously overhyped."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She sounds toxic and unhinged. You did more than most people would do. Nobody needs 120 people at a baby shower or a hall for it."
"Your sister is greedy and attention-seeking. Hopefully, pregnancy has just caused temporary insanity."
"Create an alternative sibling group chat without her. Explain what happened to your mother and sibling. Support your mom if you can, but not at the expense of your mental health."
"Enjoy your 40th, and don't sweat missing the baby shower. When she comes crawling back, listen and decide whether her apology is enough." ~ Squiggles567
"NTA. Honestly, this is a massive overstep on her part. 120 people for a baby shower? That's insane."
"You've done way more than most people would, and she's acting entitled and ungrateful. Creating a group chat without her sounds like a solid move."
"Don't waste your time stressing over her petty drama. If she ever comes back around, make her prove she's truly sorry before even considering letting her back in. Enjoy your 40th without her!" ~ carolina1188
"Seriously! 120 people!? I'm 37 weeks pregnant, and my shower is actually this Saturday. We have like 15-20 people coming."
"Like, I can't even imagine having that many people at a shower! Our baby will be here a week from tomorrow… I don't have the time, patience, or sanity to have a baby shower with 120 people… with or without help."
"I mean, I wouldn't mind the diapers, gifts, and baby things from that many people because these babies are expensive AF, but I can't 'people' on my best days, let alone THIS pregnant and exhausted."
"Maybe that's why OP's sister lost her mind. She's overdone it and doesn't know how to/can't backtrack and is blaming everyone other than herself… either way… NTA, OP! At all!"
"Whether it's hormone-related or not, she knows she's in the wrong. Even when I'm being b*tchy because of my hormones, at some point, I catch myself like 'why am I being such an AH today‽ What's wrong with me‽‽'."
"We all know when we're being like that, the difference is whether or not someone has the balls to admit they're wrong and apologize or if they double down and act like a bigger a**hole. Sis is def being an a**hole." ~ maddypage87
"NTA. When people offer to help with a baby shower they're intending on bringing some food, making invitations, some decorating, maybe some games planning."
"They're certainly not offering to pay for an obnoxious event. There's no way your sister actually thought that."
"Baby showers are not large events. They never have been. They are at most 30-40 people at someone's house."
"And even that is a ridiculous number. Your sister is taking advantage of you, she is being entirely unreasonable." ~ Remarkable_Egg3201
"Exactly. There were maybe 20 people at my baby shower, and 5 of them were children. 120 people is way too many."
"This isn't an event to invite coworkers and every acquaintance to. It's for family and close friends only." ~ LadyLilac0706
"So I am the youngest of 7. My mom was the oldest of 11, and my dad was the middle of 12. Crazy I know, but good Irish Catholics. So just my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and 1st cousins resulted in well over 200 people."
"When I had my baby shower, we had a BBQ in my parent's backyard. My 6 SILs coordinated everything. Everybody brought food so it financially didn't fall onto one person. Then everyone brought a small gift or grouped together to get larger items."
"But honestly, almost everything was a hand-me-down from siblings/cousins (crib, high chair, strollers,exersaucer, swing, etc... Bulk of the gifts were diapers, wipes, onesies, sleep sacks."
"And we were so grateful for every single thing we received. Never would have dreamed of treating my siblings the way OP's sister did."
"Honestly, she's someone I would be thrilled to get the silent treatment from. OP, NTA. Your sister sounds like an entitled brat." ~ holybucketsitscrazy
"NTA and I think you did way too much. I'd be grateful for the rescinded invitation, and I'd rescind her invitation to your life."
"Fiancé asked me to add: can you send her an invoice for your time and any money you did spend?" ~ LowBalance4404
"Is this a baby shower or an opportunity for her to show off? It very much sounds like the latter."
"You were paying for 120 guests and had to go in person to request more time. Your mother was cooking for 120 people."
"It doesn't sound like your sister wants to do anything for her own baby shower. You need to uninvite your money along with yourself. NTA." ~ fancyandfab
"120 people at a baby shower? Every life event is way over the top now. When I had mine (20 years ago), it was at a friend's house with about 10 guests."
"We had snacks and a cake. I got some nice gifts, but nothing crazy because I would never expect friends—or even family to be honest—to shell out loads of money for MY child. Can't we go back to doing simple things?" ~ Nadja-19
Reddit let OP know that being out of his sister's shower planning—and life—was a blessing, not a punishment.
Whether he agrees is unclear.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp