Divorce isn't really fun.
It's especially difficult with kids involved.
What can make it extra frustrating is deciding on finances.
Who is going to pay for the kids in all sorts of ways?
That can stir up a bunch of drama.
Redditor cruzincoyote wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"WIBTAH for not paying for my daughter's trip?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A little background before I get fully into it."
"My ex and I currently have an exact 50/50 split of my daughter."
"I pay her $600/month child support and fully pay for my daughter's education, which is about 7k a year on top of the child support."
"Income purposes, I make about 160k, and she's around 120-130k."
"She is remarried as well, so it's a dual-income home."
"Although I don't expect her new husband to have to pay for my daughter, she does have help with the bills."
"We have an agreement that my ex pays for all extra activities."
"One of those activities is Irish Dance."
"Her dance studio is going to Ireland next summer, my ex and her husband will be going with my daughter, and I will be staying home."
"The total cost for the trip is about 3k for just my daughter."
"She wants me to pay for half of it."
"I haven't made a decision as it's still a year away, but I'm leaning towards not giving half because it's essentially going to be a vacation for them."
"Edit: My daughter will still be going even if I don't give half."
"She won't be missing out on it."
"This dance trip is purely cultural, organized by the dance studio."
"There is no competition involved."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Would I be the a**hole for not paying the other half?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Contact the dance studio and get the exact expenses."
"Find out what the $3000. covers exactly."
"This way, you know if one parent is going for free or how it works, and if this money is 100% for your daughter, etc."
"If money isn't an option, it may not be worth the battle." ~ LivinTheDream_22
"I don’t want to blow this whole thread up or anything, but as a past Irish dancer, it makes no sense for the school to go just as tourists."
"There must be a performance or competition they’re participating in, and that makes 3k such a lowball of what will be spent."
"Entrance fees, hardshoes, wigs, the dresses can be over 2k by themselves."
"This guy thinks the new husband is going to benefit when he’s probably carrying the household, so her mom can finance an internationally competitive young athlete." ~ EmilySD101
"NTA. No further explanation needed." ~ Wildwest21
"While there is plenty of a-holery from the people trying to twist the narrative to paint you as TAH, you are NTA."
"There is a clear agreement that your ex covers stuff like this trip, she is capable of paying for it, and seemingly is asking in hopes you’ll subsidize a nicer vacation for her and her husband."
"F**k that." ~ Icy-Willingness8375
"NTA because it's not your responsibility..."
"If Mom wouldn't be able to afford it and my daughter super wanted to go, and I could afford it."
"Then yes, I can see paying it."
"However, Mom and partner can absolutely afford this, and it's their responsibility."
"I'd only offer to do half if the child was going alone because they didn't have money for it."
"Other than that, it's a vacation and not a need." ~ shoulda-known-better
"She doesn’t get to renege on the deal you made just because she doesn’t like the cost."
"Took my kid to Disneyland in the US at 10, he barely remembers it now at 19."
"While a trip would be nice, it’s not a must."
"She’ll survive."
"You’re already holding up your end of the bargain and then some on a single income."
"As a mum myself, I sure as hell wouldn’t pay for it."
"But I’d throw in some spending money. NTA." ~ Expressdough
"NTA - These comments are wild. I’d be on the fence about paying this personally."
"How many other trips will she want you to pay half for after this one, considering your agreement?"
"I think you’re in the right."
"Furthermore, if you do pay, I’d put my foot down, let her know it’s a one-off, and please do not ask for any expenses towards extracurricular activities in the future as per your agreement."
"It’s an agreement for a reason; as you have said, you pay plenty in child support and even more on taking her on once-in-a-lifetime holidays."
"I also imagine you are the type of guy to spoil her in your own time, and so no, absolutely NTA, you seem like a cool dude, I feel like your ex is taking advantage a little."
"But it’s up to you at the end of the day, but I’d tread carefully in this situation, as it may be expected again in the future."
"EDIT: Since a lot of people in here are mad, even though she will go regardless of whether you pay half or not."
"Could you possibly ask your wife if you can instead give your daughter the 1500 for spending on said trip rather than towards it, because I know it’s not about the money." ~ F20_M
"NTA. You pay for her education, and her mother pays for extra activities."
"Dance is an extra activity."
"Their household vacation is also an extra activity."
"Neither of these activities is your responsibility."
"I would say that depending on your daughter’s age, she could be contributing toward the cost of her own expenses herself, but that’s something to be decided among those who are funding the trip — not you." ~ BeachPlze
"NTA. You pay in accordance with your agreement, plus her college expenses."
"The trip is an extra, and your ex should cover it in full."
"That’s very fair." ~ FormerlyDK
"NTA. You pay child support, and you pay for her education 100%."
"If the deal is that your ex-wife covers extracurricular activities, and I suspect she's the one who gave approval to go (before even asking you), she should cover it."
"I would have loved to have had an ex-husband who was involved, took my daughter on vacations, and paid child support."
"I still did everything I could to make sure my daughter had a relationship with her father."
"She's 27 now and has a great relationship with her father, her step-father, and her father-in-law." ~ AngstyAF5020
"Eh, I think NTA."
"But I would call and ask the dance studio about the fees and what I cover, and go from there."
"Maybe you could pay a smaller portion than half or provide your daughters with spending money."
"It’s funny to see all these people in the comments acting like you’re a terrible dad despite paying several hundred dollars a month in child support, despite having equal custody as well as spending $7000 a year to pay for her education." ~ Incognitomode1973
"Man, I love Reddit."
"These two are splitting the daughter 50/50, and yet he’s paying the mother monthly for, I don’t know… existing?"
"And additionally paying all for all of the daughter’s educational expenses."
"Yet because he doesn’t want to pay for half of a trip the ex-wife will be enjoying with her new boyfriend, he’s the bad guy?"
"This is all with her making almost as much as him, by the by."
"OP, tell your parasitic wife to pay for her own vacation, not like she’s being asked to do much else financially."
"Your daughter may complain, but your wife is certain to turn her against you anyway, so no worries." ~ Cthulhus-Tailor
"OP, you do NOT have to cover for her trip; that is ridiculous on her part."
"I also want to thank you for contributing so much towards your daughter."
"I get $600 for TWO kids with 50/50 custody, though my son has been living full-time with me for the past couple of months."
"My ex is also a two-income household; he makes six figures, while I work three jobs."
"Please tell your ex-wife she's being greedy." ~ Super_Chilled_Reader
"NTA…This is not a requirement of the dance school."
"There is no competition."
"It is a vacation."
"My wife can pay for it."
"I would give my child spending money." ~ Worth-Season3645
"NTA. For one, you already pay child support on top of your daughter's tuition."
"Two, you have that agreement with your wife where she pays for extracurriculars, and this trip is definitely one."
"Just make sure you explain how things stand to your kid, so your wife doesn't spin it into something it's not."
"And maybe give your girl some pocket money for the trip." ~ Martin_Pagan
"NTA. These idiots calling you the a**hole are just puking up the standard 'Dad should be an ATM because men aren't 'real' parents' bullsh*t."
"Plain old misandrist idiocy."
"If you were the mom, they'd all be screaming that you should stick to the custody agreement and telling you what a steaming pile of shit your ex is."
"The agreement is there for a f**king reason."
"Do not deviate from that sh*t unless your kid is in harm's way."
"You give an inch, she'll find other ways to bleed you dry."
"Her finances are none of your business, and what her husband does with his money is even less your concern."
"You need to be cordial and cooperative to coparent, not a doormat money machine."
"The whole point of your custody agreement is to stop this kind of crap."
"Everybody agreed this kind of thing is her responsibility."
"Everything else is irrelevant." ~ Dragon_Bidness
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
You're already paying your fair share.
Your wife can keep up with your agreement.
Don't be afraid to stay firm.
Good Luck.
