When my parents got divorced in 1976, co-parenting wasn’t a term I ever heard. Mothers almost always got custody of the children, fathers were expected to pay child support, and visitation might happen a couple days or weekends a month at most.
But now the roles of fathers, mothers, and family makeups changed—mostly for the better despite what some politicians claim.
Fathers are expected and want to be involved as more than an ATM. Mothers may be the primary breadwinner instead of the primary caregiver. And not every family has one mother married to one father and their 2.5 biological offspring.
In this brave new world, co-parenting blogs, vlogs, books, podcasts, tips, tricks, and advice is everywhere.
One thing almost all agree on is courteous communication is key. When that isn’t there…
A mother and stepmother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
LiteratureCareless56 asked:
“AITA for refusing to help get my stepdaughter’s to their newest extra curricular activity?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband has two daughters (13 and 12) with his ex-wife. They have been divorced for almost 11 years and we have been married for 7 years and share two kids together ages 6 and 3.”
“His ex-wife is not currently remarried, but she did marry twice since the divorce and has two additional children ages 9 and 5.”
“The co-parenting relationship is very unstable and changeable.”
“Some decisions need to be made via mediation. Others they can agree on to a point. While a few were taken to court for a judge to decide for them.”
“My relationship with my stepdaughters was good until 3 years ago when their mom’s negativity changed how they treat me. They have expressed that they know their mom doesn’t like me, so they won’t like me anymore either.”
“This has been discussed in court and in therapy and nothing has changed. They continue to treat me differently than before. They don’t get away with disrespect, but they still are way more rude than before and they’re colder with me in general.”
“Now onto the issue where I want to know if I’m the a**hole (TA).”
“My husband and I are typically really good about communicating and he is a supportive husband and father and has done a good job of keeping me out of his ex-wife’s way so she can’t say crap to me and also standing up for me.”
“I don’t join them for talks about the girls. That’s him and his ex, but my husband and I will discuss it.”
“A few months ago, the girls said they wanted to take new dance classes 50 minutes from our home. They already do ballet, dancing for fun (which is free) and gymnastics.”
“But these dance classes are different. They’re also more expensive than the other extra curricular’s they do.”
“I told my husband I thought the new dance classes were too far and too expensive and I said they would not work with the schedule we already have. But when he and his ex sat down to discuss it, he agreed to these new dance classes which he and his ex will split the expenses for 50/50.”
“When he told me, I wasn’t thrilled, because he didn’t tell me he was going to agree to them. But I know it’s not my decision.”
“But I told him I could not and would not help get the girls there. He told me we’d figure something out.”
“The girls were back with us two days after this talk and they said their mom told them I didn’t want them to do these dance classes and sucks to be me because I don’t have a say because I’m not their parent.”
“My husband told them not to speak to me like that. He was unable to get his parents to take the girls to the new classes so he wanted me to do it.”
“I put my foot down and said no. He said he can’t because he has to work.”
“I told him I have to drop our 6-year-old off at his extra curricular that day and it would not work with time.”
“If I was allowed to have a say, I would make all their schedules work. But if they were my bio children, they would not be going to the classes 50 minutes away that are more expensive than options closer to us.”
“But I refuse to make my son give up his one activity for this. I cannot make it work. That’s just not an option for me.”
“I’m not abandoning them. I am still actively involved in their lives. I take them to their extra curricular’s (minus this one).”
“I still pick them up from school or activities if they’re sick. Cook, clean, do laundry and other stuff. I’m still there if they need help with homework.”
“But my son has just one activity and it’s on that same day. It would not be fair to make him give up his one for them to have another activity.”
“The only way I could make it work is by stopping my son from doing his activity and he only does one. That’s not fair either.”
“Because then I’ll be remembered as the mom who was so desperate to make her stepkids see through their mom that my kids suffered. There are other options for extra curricular’s that would work (different day, cheaper, closer), but nobody wants them.”
“In all of this I can’t just think of what kind of stepparent I want to be. I have to consider what type of parent I want to be too.”
“My husband asked his ex if she’d bring them every week and she’s saying I’m such an a**hole for not driving them and how dare I think I get any say in this—that I need to do what the kids want and stay out of their way otherwise.”
“It’s not even the girls as much as their mom is demanding it, yet she wants me to basically have no presence in their lives otherwise. By this I mean the girls really don’t want me to take them.”
“They’d prefer to go with anyone else. But their mom thinks I need to be acting like the unpaid help.”
“My husband is normally way better at communicating this stuff with me and respecting when I say something just isn’t workable. His ex never takes me into consideration.”
“She says I am not a key player here and I am not important to these discussions. Her stance has been set for a while now. I don’t see it ever changing either.”
“The ex started to dislike me when her last marriage started going badly 3 years ago. It seems like jealousy, because I was a consistent presence with her girls and remained a part of their lives for years while she had two husband’s leave during that time.”
“That is when this all started to go badly.”
“The girls and their mother do not consider me one of their parents. That has been made clear to me again and again. I have no say.”
“The girls do not respect me or want me to be involved anymore. I still love them. I’ll still do what I can for them. But it can’t be at the expense of my biological children. Like my son with his activity.”
“I can’t speak to the ex, she does not like me and can’t be civil. I have spoken to my husband. He knows.”
“The girls and I have talked with the help of a therapist but they have been clear they do not care or like me and my feelings are not something they care about.”
“They can still go to these classes, but their parents will have to figure something out. I can’t be in two places at once.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to bring my stepdaughters to their new extra curricular activity and even when my husband couldn’t find a second choice, I would not do it.”
“This might make me TA because I signed up for being a stepmom.”
“I did not do everything to make sure they could get to these classes which might be overly childish and unfair because it punishes the kids more than the adults if they can’t make it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“The ex and the Brat Pack can’t have it both ways. If it’s none of your business and you get no say, it’s also not your responsibility.”
“They need to arrange their own transportation while you mind your own business. NTA.” ~ MohawkMavis
“NTA, but everyone else is. The others suck for obvious reasons, but your husband is because he totally threw you under the bus when he told the kids and ex that you were against the classes. You may want to check your back for tire marks.” ~ Hill0981
“NTA. You defend your husband but he’s part of the problem.”
“Your husband should have never told his ex/kids that you thought negatively of the class, especially without the context that it’s too difficult for them to get there.”
“Your husband clearly didn’t hear you when you said you wouldn’t take them.”
“You don’t have to be part of hubby/ex’s conversation, but then hubby/ex cannot make you part of the plan.”
“Tell hubby that your conversations with him need to be confidential.”
“Tell hubby/ex/girls that the girls cannot disrespect you and then think they can have their hand out for anything other than the meals you cook at home.” ~ LouisV25
“They don’t get to have it both ways. They can’t say ‘you don’t get a say in this!!!’ and then turn around and say ‘you must do this for us!!!’.”
“If they want your help, you get a say in the matter. You are already engaged on that day taking your other child to their own extracurricular.”
“That child shouldn’t miss out because these two other children (who actively disrespect you) and their parents have decided their needs come first. Nope. No. Nooooo. NTA.” ~ imamage_fightme
While the OP may get no say in her stepdaughters’ lives, she does have a say in her own. Neither their mother nor her husband can voluntell her for anything.
The girls need a ride every other week?
Not her circus, not her monkeys.