When my parents got divorced in 1976, co-parenting wasn't a term I ever heard. Mothers almost always got custody of the children, fathers were expected to pay child support, and visitation might happen a couple days or weekends a month at most.
But now the roles of fathers, mothers, and family makeups changed—mostly for the better despite what some politicians claim.
Fathers are expected and want to be involved as more than an ATM. Mothers may be the primary breadwinner instead of the primary caregiver. And not every family has one mother married to one father and their 2.5 biological offspring.
In this brave new world, co-parenting blogs, vlogs, books, podcasts, tips, tricks, and advice is everywhere.
One thing almost all agree on is courteous communication is key. When that isn't there...
A mother and stepmother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
LiteratureCareless56 asked:
"AITA for refusing to help get my stepdaughter's to their newest extra curricular activity?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband has two daughters (13 and 12) with his ex-wife. They have been divorced for almost 11 years and we have been married for 7 years and share two kids together ages 6 and 3."
"His ex-wife is not currently remarried, but she did marry twice since the divorce and has two additional children ages 9 and 5."
"The co-parenting relationship is very unstable and changeable."
"Some decisions need to be made via mediation. Others they can agree on to a point. While a few were taken to court for a judge to decide for them."
"My relationship with my stepdaughters was good until 3 years ago when their mom's negativity changed how they treat me. They have expressed that they know their mom doesn't like me, so they won't like me anymore either."
"This has been discussed in court and in therapy and nothing has changed. They continue to treat me differently than before. They don't get away with disrespect, but they still are way more rude than before and they're colder with me in general."
"Now onto the issue where I want to know if I'm the a**hole (TA)."
"My husband and I are typically really good about communicating and he is a supportive husband and father and has done a good job of keeping me out of his ex-wife's way so she can't say crap to me and also standing up for me."
"I don't join them for talks about the girls. That's him and his ex, but my husband and I will discuss it."
"A few months ago, the girls said they wanted to take new dance classes 50 minutes from our home. They already do ballet, dancing for fun (which is free) and gymnastics."
"But these dance classes are different. They're also more expensive than the other extra curricular's they do."
"I told my husband I thought the new dance classes were too far and too expensive and I said they would not work with the schedule we already have. But when he and his ex sat down to discuss it, he agreed to these new dance classes which he and his ex will split the expenses for 50/50."
"When he told me, I wasn't thrilled, because he didn't tell me he was going to agree to them. But I know it's not my decision."
"But I told him I could not and would not help get the girls there. He told me we'd figure something out."
"The girls were back with us two days after this talk and they said their mom told them I didn't want them to do these dance classes and sucks to be me because I don't have a say because I'm not their parent."
"My husband told them not to speak to me like that. He was unable to get his parents to take the girls to the new classes so he wanted me to do it."
"I put my foot down and said no. He said he can't because he has to work."
"I told him I have to drop our 6-year-old off at his extra curricular that day and it would not work with time."
"If I was allowed to have a say, I would make all their schedules work. But if they were my bio children, they would not be going to the classes 50 minutes away that are more expensive than options closer to us."
"But I refuse to make my son give up his one activity for this. I cannot make it work. That's just not an option for me."
"I'm not abandoning them. I am still actively involved in their lives. I take them to their extra curricular's (minus this one)."
"I still pick them up from school or activities if they're sick. Cook, clean, do laundry and other stuff. I'm still there if they need help with homework."
"But my son has just one activity and it's on that same day. It would not be fair to make him give up his one for them to have another activity."
"The only way I could make it work is by stopping my son from doing his activity and he only does one. That's not fair either."
"Because then I'll be remembered as the mom who was so desperate to make her stepkids see through their mom that my kids suffered. There are other options for extra curricular's that would work (different day, cheaper, closer), but nobody wants them."
"In all of this I can't just think of what kind of stepparent I want to be. I have to consider what type of parent I want to be too."
"My husband asked his ex if she'd bring them every week and she's saying I'm such an a**hole for not driving them and how dare I think I get any say in this—that I need to do what the kids want and stay out of their way otherwise."
"It's not even the girls as much as their mom is demanding it, yet she wants me to basically have no presence in their lives otherwise. By this I mean the girls really don't want me to take them."
"They'd prefer to go with anyone else. But their mom thinks I need to be acting like the unpaid help."
"My husband is normally way better at communicating this stuff with me and respecting when I say something just isn't workable. His ex never takes me into consideration."
"She says I am not a key player here and I am not important to these discussions. Her stance has been set for a while now. I don't see it ever changing either."
"The ex started to dislike me when her last marriage started going badly 3 years ago. It seems like jealousy, because I was a consistent presence with her girls and remained a part of their lives for years while she had two husband's leave during that time."
"That is when this all started to go badly."
"The girls and their mother do not consider me one of their parents. That has been made clear to me again and again. I have no say."
"The girls do not respect me or want me to be involved anymore. I still love them. I'll still do what I can for them. But it can't be at the expense of my biological children. Like my son with his activity."
"I can't speak to the ex, she does not like me and can't be civil. I have spoken to my husband. He knows."
"The girls and I have talked with the help of a therapist but they have been clear they do not care or like me and my feelings are not something they care about."
"They can still go to these classes, but their parents will have to figure something out. I can't be in two places at once."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to bring my stepdaughters to their new extra curricular activity and even when my husband couldn't find a second choice, I would not do it."
"This might make me TA because I signed up for being a stepmom."
"I did not do everything to make sure they could get to these classes which might be overly childish and unfair because it punishes the kids more than the adults if they can't make it."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"The ex and the Brat Pack can't have it both ways. If it's none of your business and you get no say, it's also not your responsibility."
"They need to arrange their own transportation while you mind your own business. NTA." ~ MohawkMavis
"NTA, but everyone else is. The others suck for obvious reasons, but your husband is because he totally threw you under the bus when he told the kids and ex that you were against the classes. You may want to check your back for tire marks." ~ Hill0981
"NTA. You defend your husband but he's part of the problem."
"Your husband should have never told his ex/kids that you thought negatively of the class, especially without the context that it's too difficult for them to get there."
"Your husband clearly didn't hear you when you said you wouldn't take them."
"You don't have to be part of hubby/ex's conversation, but then hubby/ex cannot make you part of the plan."
"Tell hubby that your conversations with him need to be confidential."
"Tell hubby/ex/girls that the girls cannot disrespect you and then think they can have their hand out for anything other than the meals you cook at home." ~ LouisV25
"They don't get to have it both ways. They can't say 'you don't get a say in this!!!' and then turn around and say 'you must do this for us!!!'."
"If they want your help, you get a say in the matter. You are already engaged on that day taking your other child to their own extracurricular."
"That child shouldn't miss out because these two other children (who actively disrespect you) and their parents have decided their needs come first. Nope. No. Nooooo. NTA." ~ imamage_fightme
While the OP may get no say in her stepdaughters' lives, she does have a say in her own. Neither their mother nor her husband can voluntell her for anything.
The girls need a ride every other week?
Not her circus, not her monkeys.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp