Our Redditor is a woman who has been specifically involved in her stepdaughter's interest in dance by taking her to classes and paying for lessons.
But when it was time for the dance recital, she found that her role as a support system was about to be compromised.
She wondered about a hypothetical and visited the Am I the A**hole? (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
Redditor stepdrama asked:
"AITA for wanting to be 'backstage mom' at my stepdaughter's dance recital during her mom's custodial time?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have been taking my 9yo stepdaughter to dance classes for four years. I drive her every week. My husband (her dad) and I pay for every single fee associated with her dance school."
"This year, her end-of-year recital lands on her mother's custodial time. Her mom has committed to taking her to the show."
"I volunteered to be the backstage parent (managing the class backstage when they're not performing, helping with hair and makeup, etc). I did this for the last two recitals and my stepdaughter loves having me there to hang out and support her."
"The dance school reached out yesterday to tell me that my stepdaughter's mother asked them to remove me as backstage parent and put her in. They agreed to do it without discussing it with me first because she basically told them it was her custodial right."
The OP clarified:
"(To be clear, nothing in their court order says anything that would prevent me from being able to be around her even though she's not in dad's custody.)"
"Mom and I have a history of high conflict. I believe she is trying to remove me because she doesn't want me spending any extra quality time with her daughter. She simply hates me and my husband."
"(If you are wondering, I have nothing to do with why she and my husband never worked out). I could bow out and accept this because I'm not the biological parent, but it breaks my heart because I love being there and dance is 'my thing' with my stepdaughter."
The OP continued:
"WIBTA [would I be the a**hole] if I reminded the school who their paying customer is and ask them to go back on the decision and advocate for me? I want to fight back and give them all the context so they can understand why I have the right to be there."
"But I also don't want more conflict with mom, who would be upset if the school has my back. (If you are wondering, I don't think she would go to the lengths of not taking her to the recital over this, because she has to know that would be devastating to her daughter who's worked hard to prepare for her performance.)"
"I'm not sure what the best way for all of this to play out would be. Thank you so much for your judgments! I'm all ears!"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought You're the A**hole (YTA) here.
"Info: you don't mention what your stepdaughter wants, what is her opinion?" – Anonymians
"Good question. Stepdaughter has a wonderful relationship with me and did ask me if I will be her backstage parent again, because she had so much fun with me for the past two recitals when I did it."
"However, I think she would not mind her mom being there either even though she's never been involved with her dance life."
"Despite our drama, I think we do a good job of shielding the child from the conflict, so she would be happy either way. If she did have an opinion one way or the other, I would not even consider anything else but what she requested." – OP
"If the kid is happy either way, then let bio mom have this one. not worth the conflict IMO." – andromache97
"Yes! I'd let her have this one but still talk to the school about how disappointed you are that you are the lying parent and they went over yours and dads heads to make a decision for your child without discussing it with you ahead of time."
"They should have called you once mom reached out to them, or at the very least said she was welcome to join but you'd both be there and let you decide if you would work with her." – Banditsmisfits
"It doesn't matter who pays the bills. They didn't overstep by letting the parent who has physical custody of he child at the time of tthe recital be with that child."
"And really it should be dad having the coversation since he is the only one that has rights in relation to the child, unless step parent has some kind of legal custody." – coloradohikingadvice
"Nothing in a custody agreement says who gets to be backstage at a recital. Having custody for the weekend does not automatically mean you can be the only parent volunteer at an activity."
"Sure, mom would be the one to bring her kid, and absolutely can attend or even volunteer herself, but she has no say over who else does. It should have been a conversation between mom and step-mom, but sounds like mom isn't capable of that, which is telling." – yarghmatey
"Agree let mom have it this time. It never hurts to be the bigger person. Although, I understand why you would (and should) be royally pissed to make all of the financial and time commitments required for the last 3 years just to have her mother swoop in when it's convenient to show 'how supportive she is.'"
"However, as you and dad are the paying customers of the school, I would be very upset with the school's handling of this."
"The school should have contacted their actual customers before changing up the backstage position. To not first contact the people signing the checks, about making a change that affects them directly, is extremely unprofessional."
"If bio-mom has never been involved with the kids dancing, does the studio even know her?"
"This could potentially open up a whole box of liability issues for the school. I doubt they have the custody schedule, so how do they know who really gets what days?"
"Also, they most likely wouldn't know about any visitation restrictions such as two days a month supervised (not the case here, but how would they know that). Anything involving custody arrangement schedules should be fact checked first as due diligence."
"Personally, if there are equivalent quality options, I would seriously consider pulling her from this studio and enrolling her in a different one next year." – Ryllan1313
"ESH - You should attend the recital and kindly explain to your step-daughter that you will be there, but her mom wants to be the backstage mom. Don't drive a wedge between them, and make sure your step-daughter knows you still love and support her. DON'T ALIENATE HER FROM MOM." – guardlamamama
The OP replied to the above poster with:
"I would never in a million years alienate her from a parent. I only want what's best for my stepdaughter. I love that she has a good relationship with her mom."
"This is a completely inaccurate example of parental alienation. How is me volunteering at the dance school that I pay for creating a wedge between her and her mom?" "Since you love your stepdaughter, why can't you see that having her mom be so involved in her recital is a good thing? You're making it about yourself. Dance shouldn't just be your thing with her. All of the parents should be involved and helping out. Why is it so hard for you to let her mom have a turn being backstage mom? It takes nothing away from you." – Mother_Tradition_774
In an update, the OP said:
"I called the dance school, but not to have them change their decision. I gave them all the context. (I should've clarified in my OP that she lied to them and implied I wasn't legally allowed to be there on her time which is not true)."
"The owner of the school says he feels completely manipulated by her mom. He apologized. He offered to make it right and said he and his wife (co-owner) were comfortable with reaching out to mom and telling her that I am the backstage mom."
"They also said it would never happen again. I told them that I really appreciated that they are owning up to how it went down."
"But I told them that I would rather take the high road and leave it at that. I told them not to reach out to mom. Let her have it."
"I also apologized to them for having to deal with drama that should've been handled by our family privately."
"The only thing that matters to me is that my stepdaughter has a wonderful experience. I could've 'won' this, but if that would've created even an inkling of stress for my SD on her big day, it wouldn't be worth it."
"My plan is to tell my SD 'hey I know I said I'd be backstage this year but great news, your mom wants to do it! You guys will have so much fun together. I'm glad she will be there for you.'"
"Then I'll be in the audience with a bouquet of flowers and a huge smile on my face. Thanks to everyone here, even the a**holes lol"
Most Redditors agreed that while the school didn't handle the situation smoothly, they advised the OP to acquiesce and try not to force a further wedge between herself and her stepdaughter's mother.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp