As people became more environmentally conscious and resources like fresh water became scarcer, native gardening and landscaping practices have become more popular.
Native gardening and landscaping utilizes plants that naturally occur in the specific geographic region of the area being planted. Because these plants evolved alongside local wildlife in the area's climate conditions, they support local biodiversity and require far less maintenance, water, and fertilizer than traditional grasses or exotic ornamental plants of traditional lawns and gardens.
Some ornamental plants prove harmful to the areas they're moved to. Which is why Japanese Kudzu is trying to devour portions of the American South.
A home gardener dedicated to native plants turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with their mother-in-law.
JackfruitAwkward7504 asked:
"AITA for putting my foot down about a plant gifted to my partner not being planted in our backyard garden?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My partner and I are in the process of doing a full renovation of our back yard. We have made a lot of compromises about the direction we are doing to ensure we both get some of what we want. My part of the bargain is that the small garden space we do have will be dedicated to entirely native plants that help support the local ecosystem."
"I am somebody who is very passionate about native gardening."
"In my area, we have a nitrogen pollution crisis and population declines of birds and pollinators in the region. I have completely planned out a garden we will be planting in the fall of native plants that will thrive in the soil we have without any amendments or fertilizers, all of which support pollinators and birds throughout the year, won't require any watering beyond rainfall once established in the ground, and will look beautiful."
"I compromised a lot on how big the gardens would be among other things on the guarantee that we would maintain a fully native garden. My partner and I even had discussions about how gifted plants would not be an exception to this."
"I wanted to do planters and pots on the patio, but it was an instant 'hell no' from my partner due to the risk of staining and discoloring the patio. This is sort of where the whole compromise of 'you get this garden to do exactly what you want with it, you have full control' comes from."
"Like I've given up on all my other wants in the space for a damn native garden that's exactly what I want."
"Fast forward to my partner's birthday, his parents gifted him cash, but his mom is the type who wants to always include a small physical gift, and this time she chose to gift him with an ornamental grass to plant in the garden we are building."
"Not only is the plant not one of the plants that's been selected for the garden, it's not native, it would require us to amend the soil we have to support it, it does nothing to support local wildlife, and it's sun requirements would stipulate rearranging the whole garden plan in order to accommodate it."
"It's a small plant that only cost a few bucks."
"I have previously had multiple conversations with mother-in-law (MIL) about the gardens we are planning, why it's important to me to have a native garden, etc... Well, when she gifted the plant, I researched what we would need to do to keep this as a house plant, what window it had to go in, and checked to make sure it was non-toxic to my cat. I set it up for success in our south facing window, and even my cat loves it."
"Well, she has now protested this, stating that it's meant to be an outside plant so it should go in the garden we are putting together. I explained how it doesn't fit the criteria for our gardens we had discussed, so it wouldn't be going there, but we were happy to keep it as a houseplant where it could still thrive."
I honestly didn't want to give leeway in the discourse. No 'well my neighbor planted it in regular soil and it did fine' nonsense. I'm also in a country where directness is valued and expected.
"And for another gift of a plant, at this point, it would have to be a 'we order it, you pay' situation. Native gardening isn't a big thing where I'm at, garden center staff aren't knowledgeable about it, and most popular stores have a very limited selection of native plants to begin with in favor of more showy non-native plants. So I won't be sending her out alone to find it."
"My partner is on my side about this, as we did have multiple conversations and agreements about this, and he recognizes the compromises I've made to make sure he has all the concrete patio and lawn space he wants, so he wants to hold up his end of the deal."
"But it clearly has hurt his mom's feelings as she was really hoping to have a plant she gifted him put into the garden. Which makes me feel like an a**hole."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for rejecting the intended purpose of the gift my MIL gave to my partner on his birthday."
"I might be the a**hole because it was a gift to him, and not me, and it has hurt her feelings as she was hoping to see a plant she gifted him be placed in our garden."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If it was really important to your mother-in-law to have her plant in your garden, she could have asked a local greenhouse or nursery for a suitable, native plant or asked you since it was a gift for your partner."
"It's no different than if you told everyone you were decorating your entire home in French farmhouse style and she brought you a mid-century modern coffee table and got upset when you didn't plop it down in the middle of your living room."
"You were more gracious than you needed to be with a thoughtless—as in she gave no thought to if it was appropriate—gift. You didn't toss it in the trash or give it away, you just kept it where it won't do any harm. NTA." ~ MohawMais
"NTA. When you give someone a gift, you don't get to decide how it's used. It sounds like she has gifted you a headache." ~ railph
"She gifted them a deliberate 'f*ck you' that also allows her to play the victim."
"It's pretty clear that if you talk to OP for even 30 seconds you'll find out about their passion and dedication to this garden. Anyone with common sense would realize that if they wanted to contribute, they should ask in advance what would work. The whole point of the garden is that it all works together."
"And even if you made a thoughtless mistake, when gently corrected, anyone with good intentions would not put up a fuss and would probably be a bit embarrassed. This was meant to be a f*ck you, in my opinion." ~ backupbitches
"NTA. But I would have put it differently. Like telling your MIL that the plant would not survive in your garden because of the sun, or earth needed or what ever reason and as it was a gift you don't want it do most likely die there. So you keep it in the house where it can be seen and loved by your cat."
"And if she wants to gift you a plant for the garden 'this and this and this plant would be ideal for it' (tell her what exactly you would like there - maybe something that gets some kind of (local) berries - food for insects, for small birds and for you so a win for everyone." ~ Trevena_Ice
"NTA of course. When you give someone a gift you don't get to dictate how the receiver uses it. It's a gift, not a contract." ~ -threwitontheground-
"Is it possible your MIL doesn't like you and is trying to stir up trouble? Your solution to her gift sounds lovely, so I see no reason why a reasonable person would be upset." ~ Jealous-Contract7426
"NTA. She was attempting to assert herself and control there at your home."
"If she respected what you were doing she’d have asked for input to choose an appropriate plant." ~ Strong_District_5894
"You must make a choice between people-pleasing and pleasing yourself. Will you be seeing MIL's grassy fingerprint on your beloved garden every day from now on, or not?"
"There's something about the whiny wishy-washiness of a people-pleaser that can trigger a pushy person into straight-up predatory mode, so stop your people-pleasing habits. Let go your fear of disapproval, embrace your own wishes without guilt or wavering, and say a clear firm cheerful 'No.' Say it without apology, explanation, or even a hint of cringing." ~ Expert_Slip7543
OP stated they were dedicated to native gardening.
Their mother-in-law can either respect that or have her contributions be houseplants.
