Child custody arrangements may be made at the time of a final divorce decree, but they can be altered or amended as circumstances change.
But if the agreement already covers certain contingencies, is a parent obligated to amend a custody arrangement to make another adult happy?
A father struggling with the right thing to do while his ex‐wife is on a military deployment turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ok_Science4181 asked:
“AITA for telling my kids’ mom that her husband can’t have my kids while she’s deployed?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Tag line says it all! But here’s some context. I (36, male) have 2 kids with my ex, 9 and 11. We’ve been divorced for 3+ years and she remarried 2+ years ago.”
“We have legit 50/50 custody and split everything down the middle pretty well. We have built a good routine for co-parenting and things have been smooth for the last few years without any hostility.”
“If ever a time in the past where she had to leave for work she would ask me to watch them full time in her absence which u always do, happily. A few weeks ago she found out she’s deploying for 6 months overseas and asked if while she was gone her husband could kept the same routine 50/50.”
“I said no, that I had assumed I would have full responsibility of them. This upset them and it’s been a huge discussion ever since.”
“She says I’m not thinking of the kids, their stability, their happiness. I argue that I disagree and that what parent wouldn’t want the opportunity to have them full time again even if for a temporary time.”
“I tried to explain that just because they are with me that I won’t cut their other lives out completely. They don’t want to hear it.
“The husband tries to make demands, every solution I’ve come up with doesn’t work for him and I clearly the bad guy to them. I want to add that our custody agreement even states I get them if she deploys and we live in California.”
“So even though I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I want to clarify the biggest question that seems to be asked and the reason some feel I am the a**hole. I have not told my kids about their mother deploying.”
“I do not feel this is my responsibility to. She will tell them when she is ready and I am respecting that.”
“Of course I want to talk to my children about this and see what they think. I am trying my best to think of their stability, needs, and best interest.”
“Both my children are boys because it’s also been asked a thousand times.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My issue is that I want to keep my kids 100% of the time. I feel that it is my right as the biological father.”
“Their mother feels that this is an extreme and that the stepfather is a part of their lives and should be entitled to some time with them. We have tried to communicate and come to terms we can agree on, but nothing has been ‘fair’.”
“Ultimately, we both think we are correct in our thoughts on the matter. I have spoken to outside sources, and they seem to mostly be on my side, but some people understand why she’s requesting what she is.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Family law legal assistant here. Not a lawyer. Not your lawyer. The following is merely my personal opinion. Legally, NTA based on what you have said the decree states.”
“I’m curious where this is originating from. Does mom want it? Does stepdad want it? Or do the kids want it, and mom is playing bad guy to protect them from feeling like they are hurting your feelings?”
“If stepdad wants it, it could be him making a power play in their marriage. But legally, he has no standing and therefore needs to shut up and sit down.”
“If mom wants it, it makes the most sense for her to petition the court to modify the custody order. Just to protect everyone by having it enforceable in writing.”
“Except that some provisions would need to be made for him to have legal powers in case something happens while they’re in his care.”
“If the kids want it, I think you need to figure that out, and I strongly encourage you to make it clear to them they are not hurting you by asking.”
“Whatever the case, please make sure that any given adult’s ‘rights to the children’ are balanced with the NEEDS of the children. From what I have seen in my experience, the two aren’t always synonymous and the latter is easily forgotten.” ~ Independent_Prior612
“I’m a lawyer, not your lawyer, this isn’t legal advice, etc… You need to be talking to your lawyer, not Reddit.”
“Stepdad has no role to reduce. He has no role at all.”
“The custody order is a court order, it governs what happens with the kids, end of story. They have basically announced their intentions to break a court order, and he has been trying to intimidate you into acquiescence.”
“Talk to your lawyer. This is not an aita issue. You should be preparing to take her back to court when they inevitably decide that the custody order is merely advisory.” ~ admweirdbeard
“How would asking them ‘put [your] opinion on them or make them feel forced one way or another’?”
“On the contrary, the only way to genuinely take their feelings and emotional needs into consideration would be to say to them, ‘When your mom deploys, would you prefer to continue to go over there and spend that time with [stepfather] and keep your schedule the same, or to stay 100% with me/dad while she’s away, or is there a different combination of time spent at the two houses that you think you’d like best? Obviously the adults will make the final decision, but we want to make sure we are considering your feelings in this’.”
“Your argument makes no sense; you literally have it backward. If you don’t ask them, then no matter what you’re imposing what the adults want on them without them having any input.”
“The only thing you should be concerned about is not asking them in a way that emphasizes your preferences.” ~ Sorry_I_Guess
“NTA. Your custody agreement gives you right of first refusal. The kids should be spending their time with a parent, not with some guy they met 2 or 3 years ago who might not have their best interests at heart.” ~ UteLawyer
“NTA. Stick to the court order and tell stepdad to pound sand. The kids are too young to make this decision yet and a caring parent outranks a new step who desperately wants alone time with the kids.” ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
“As a stepmother for over 20 years, this makes no sense to me. Why would you send your kids to this man when you’re fully capable of having them yourself full time?”
“Why is he fighting so hard for unsupervised time with them? As a stepmother, if I was in this situation, I would be a back up in case the other parent needed emergency child care or school pick up, but that’s on the discretion of the parent, not me. NTA.” ~ Kooky_Warning236
“I’d miss my stepson terribly and want to see him if possible, but I wouldn’t dream of expecting 50/50 custody without my husband here. Stepdad can download Fortnite to play with the kids, it’s free.” ~ ecosynchronous
“NTA for your stance, but I’d make sure to run this by your lawyer. I’m guessing what will happen is you’ll get them 100% until your ex returns, because your custody agreement isn’t with her new husband and he has no legal role in their lives.”
“That being said, depending on how you feel and how hostile they get about this, if the kids wish to see their stepdad, there’s no reason you can’t arrange for them to spend a little time with him, maybe on weekends or something?”
“But it’s unrealistic for them to expect her new husband to maintain 50% custody in her absence. That agreement relates to her only, not him, and if your custody agreement states you get the kids if she deploys, that’s probably the end of the discussion whether she likes it or not.” ~ dohbriste
“Let’s think of it another way. If his wife died, heaven forbid, would he insist on having 50/50 custody? No. He is not a natural guardian of the children and therefore has no custodial rights.”
“OP is NTA and he is being more than reasonable and accommodating. His children are too young to make independent decisions about their custodial arrangement. Dad cannot be faulted here.” ~ tttttt20
“IF your custody agreement literally says you get them, you get them. Plus.. you _are_ their dad and all. It really feels like a no-brainer to me.”
“I think it would be reasonable to ask your kids what they would like to do. Feels like you’ve already tried some compromises but its the full continued 50/50 or nothing so… I guess its nothing.”
“You should also talk with an attorney, as I imagine that’s going to come next. NTA.” ~ SoImaRedditUserNow
OP is in the clear on what they have to do, but as several replies pointed out, they could still find out what their children want.
Anything that can be done to make the time while their mother is deployed more comfortable and secure will benefit the kids.