Child custody arrangements may be made at the time of a final divorce decree, but they can be altered or amended as circumstances change.
But if the agreement already covers certain contingencies, is a parent obligated to amend a custody arrangement to make another adult happy?
A father struggling with the right thing to do while his ex‐wife is on a military deployment turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ok_Science4181 asked:
"AITA for telling my kids' mom that her husband can't have my kids while she's deployed?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Tag line says it all! But here's some context. I (36, male) have 2 kids with my ex, 9 and 11. We've been divorced for 3+ years and she remarried 2+ years ago."
"We have legit 50/50 custody and split everything down the middle pretty well. We have built a good routine for co-parenting and things have been smooth for the last few years without any hostility."
"If ever a time in the past where she had to leave for work she would ask me to watch them full time in her absence which u always do, happily. A few weeks ago she found out she's deploying for 6 months overseas and asked if while she was gone her husband could kept the same routine 50/50."
"I said no, that I had assumed I would have full responsibility of them. This upset them and it's been a huge discussion ever since."
"She says I'm not thinking of the kids, their stability, their happiness. I argue that I disagree and that what parent wouldn't want the opportunity to have them full time again even if for a temporary time."
"I tried to explain that just because they are with me that I won't cut their other lives out completely. They don't want to hear it.
"The husband tries to make demands, every solution I've come up with doesn't work for him and I clearly the bad guy to them. I want to add that our custody agreement even states I get them if she deploys and we live in California."
"So even though I don't think I'm in the wrong here, AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I want to clarify the biggest question that seems to be asked and the reason some feel I am the a**hole. I have not told my kids about their mother deploying."
"I do not feel this is my responsibility to. She will tell them when she is ready and I am respecting that."
"Of course I want to talk to my children about this and see what they think. I am trying my best to think of their stability, needs, and best interest."
"Both my children are boys because it's also been asked a thousand times."
The OP summed up their situation.
"My issue is that I want to keep my kids 100% of the time. I feel that it is my right as the biological father."
"Their mother feels that this is an extreme and that the stepfather is a part of their lives and should be entitled to some time with them. We have tried to communicate and come to terms we can agree on, but nothing has been 'fair'."
"Ultimately, we both think we are correct in our thoughts on the matter. I have spoken to outside sources, and they seem to mostly be on my side, but some people understand why she's requesting what she is."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Family law legal assistant here. Not a lawyer. Not your lawyer. The following is merely my personal opinion. Legally, NTA based on what you have said the decree states."
"I'm curious where this is originating from. Does mom want it? Does stepdad want it? Or do the kids want it, and mom is playing bad guy to protect them from feeling like they are hurting your feelings?"
"If stepdad wants it, it could be him making a power play in their marriage. But legally, he has no standing and therefore needs to shut up and sit down."
"If mom wants it, it makes the most sense for her to petition the court to modify the custody order. Just to protect everyone by having it enforceable in writing."
"Except that some provisions would need to be made for him to have legal powers in case something happens while they're in his care."
"If the kids want it, I think you need to figure that out, and I strongly encourage you to make it clear to them they are not hurting you by asking."
"Whatever the case, please make sure that any given adult's 'rights to the children' are balanced with the NEEDS of the children. From what I have seen in my experience, the two aren't always synonymous and the latter is easily forgotten." ~ Independent_Prior612
"I'm a lawyer, not your lawyer, this isn't legal advice, etc... You need to be talking to your lawyer, not Reddit."
"Stepdad has no role to reduce. He has no role at all."
"The custody order is a court order, it governs what happens with the kids, end of story. They have basically announced their intentions to break a court order, and he has been trying to intimidate you into acquiescence."
"Talk to your lawyer. This is not an aita issue. You should be preparing to take her back to court when they inevitably decide that the custody order is merely advisory." ~ admweirdbeard
"How would asking them 'put [your] opinion on them or make them feel forced one way or another'?"
"On the contrary, the only way to genuinely take their feelings and emotional needs into consideration would be to say to them, 'When your mom deploys, would you prefer to continue to go over there and spend that time with [stepfather] and keep your schedule the same, or to stay 100% with me/dad while she's away, or is there a different combination of time spent at the two houses that you think you'd like best? Obviously the adults will make the final decision, but we want to make sure we are considering your feelings in this'."
"Your argument makes no sense; you literally have it backward. If you don't ask them, then no matter what you're imposing what the adults want on them without them having any input."
"The only thing you should be concerned about is not asking them in a way that emphasizes your preferences." ~ Sorry_I_Guess
"NTA. Your custody agreement gives you right of first refusal. The kids should be spending their time with a parent, not with some guy they met 2 or 3 years ago who might not have their best interests at heart." ~ UteLawyer
"NTA. Stick to the court order and tell stepdad to pound sand. The kids are too young to make this decision yet and a caring parent outranks a new step who desperately wants alone time with the kids." ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
"As a stepmother for over 20 years, this makes no sense to me. Why would you send your kids to this man when you're fully capable of having them yourself full time?"
"Why is he fighting so hard for unsupervised time with them? As a stepmother, if I was in this situation, I would be a back up in case the other parent needed emergency child care or school pick up, but that's on the discretion of the parent, not me. NTA." ~ Kooky_Warning236
"I'd miss my stepson terribly and want to see him if possible, but I wouldn't dream of expecting 50/50 custody without my husband here. Stepdad can download Fortnite to play with the kids, it's free." ~ ecosynchronous
"NTA for your stance, but I'd make sure to run this by your lawyer. I'm guessing what will happen is you'll get them 100% until your ex returns, because your custody agreement isn't with her new husband and he has no legal role in their lives."
"That being said, depending on how you feel and how hostile they get about this, if the kids wish to see their stepdad, there's no reason you can't arrange for them to spend a little time with him, maybe on weekends or something?"
"But it's unrealistic for them to expect her new husband to maintain 50% custody in her absence. That agreement relates to her only, not him, and if your custody agreement states you get the kids if she deploys, that's probably the end of the discussion whether she likes it or not." ~ dohbriste
"Let's think of it another way. If his wife died, heaven forbid, would he insist on having 50/50 custody? No. He is not a natural guardian of the children and therefore has no custodial rights."
"OP is NTA and he is being more than reasonable and accommodating. His children are too young to make independent decisions about their custodial arrangement. Dad cannot be faulted here." ~ tttttt20
"IF your custody agreement literally says you get them, you get them. Plus.. you _are_ their dad and all. It really feels like a no-brainer to me."
"I think it would be reasonable to ask your kids what they would like to do. Feels like you've already tried some compromises but its the full continued 50/50 or nothing so... I guess its nothing."
"You should also talk with an attorney, as I imagine that's going to come next. NTA." ~ SoImaRedditUserNow
OP is in the clear on what they have to do, but as several replies pointed out, they could still find out what their children want.
Anything that can be done to make the time while their mother is deployed more comfortable and secure will benefit the kids.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp